Feeling stupid and selfish

[jenny06xx]

I need to apologise if any one has read my last post
I do not know what came over me
1 minute I was fine the next I was thinking very irrational
Ive read back my messages and I'm shocked how low I got
I'm on day 5 today and doing well , so sorry if I upset anyone
Xx

[Cricketk92]

What a wonderful post!!!  Im so happy you got on disability!  Being able to keep your home and car is a huge thing!  No wonder you were feeling so down!  Life has a way of smacking us sometimes!!!!  You sound so positive today and thats so great to read!!!  Now...do you have any support?  Family, friends that dont use, meetings, a therapist......  You are going to need support to stay strong through this and get through!  AFtercare can look different for different people but it is essential to your recovery!!!  
Keep on posting and let us know how its going!!!
Hurray for you!!!!
XO Karen

[jenny06xx]

Thank you all
I have had a lot going on all at the same time which added to my depression
I was on the verge of loosing everything not that any of it mattered anyway but I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel , not because I spend all my money on pills etc but the simple reason , I'm out of work , no one will accept me when I declare Crohn's disease and I have to incase I'm ill etc , I  couldn't afford to keep my house or car , and although a car may mean nothing to some people for me it is essential due to my illness so I have a change of clothes in the back I can get to and from a job and if I have a bowel accident I'm in my own car .
It sounds stupid but the fear of going out was getting too much to handle
Then I had some amazing news I have finally been accepted on disability ( now called personal independence payment ) this means that I can keep my house and run it  and put my car back on the road .
This way I can now look for a job that will be suited to my needs and I can't be refused work due to disability discrimination I think .
I was too scared to open letters , too scared to go out of the front door , an many more things .
It took me to hit rock bottom , I felt like someone was pushing the knife in and twisting it constantly an then just as I'd had enough they released the pressure , that time made me realise how bad things had got an how I wished I had my time over again , I now have that chance to do something with my life , I want to be a nurse or at least in a caring role , and I want to have a life
Being on tablets just numbs everything so u can't feel life , being off them made me see life in a way that I haven't for 11 years , I actually feel alive and ready to conquer things no matter what obstacles get in my way !!
I hope your all doing well in your recovery also

[Bigdaddy1313]

Jenny, if we didn't do stupid irrational things we probably wouldn't be addicts. I don't even know what you said and I don't even care. All I care about is staying clean and sober today and in helping and supporting others just like me. I'm proud to be a recovering addict. Recovering is the key word. I've been clean for almost two years but what's really important and what matters is today, tonight and tomorrow. Stay in the fight.

[IBKleen]

Honey, it's called detoxing. This is when all of you remotions come out. I don't have a clue what yous aid and I am not going back to look at it. the good news is that you are able to "feel" and it would hard for you to hurt anyone's feeling here on the internet. Know what I mean?

You just hang in there, keep talking and when you need to get crazy..go for it lady!!! There is always someone here to listen. Never be ashamed of getting well.

[Merri123]

Oh yes your list shows Prozac. You may want to start again then see if you can change to something milder that can still help.

[Merri123]

Jen believe me you can't fo anything worse than we have at one point or another.

And I am so glad yiu didn't go through with it. Your life is so much more and worth living. Yes you have issues but there are several here living with Crones Disease too. They can help you try to manage your disease.

Please don't ever do that again.

You can do this. The depression is hard. And if it is too much talk to your Dr about something that will help with that. There is depression and then there is DEPRESSION.  If you were taking something before and quit with the other medicines, you may want to take it again.

Just keep posting. We are here.

[katmandu516]

Dear Jen- Please don't be ashamed for anything you feel or post on here. That's what we all are going through. I feel the same way you do. I am on day 3 off of oxycodones. I am an opiate addict. I stopped, but then had surgery on my back, and then it started all over again.

I read your list a meds you were on, and you should be so proud of yourself for getting through to day 5! You can do this!  Keep pressing on and don't let go ok? If you need to talk, I am here for you. I would never judge anyone for being brutally honest. We have to be, otherwise..what is the sense of doing this at all! Keep posting your feelings, we all are here for you. Kat

[Cricketk92]

Hi Jen!  Congrats on Day 5!!  Your last post was just you being honest!  Detox can cause such awful depression sometimes!!!  I do hope that you are feeling better today and feel as if life is worth living!  The emotional roller coaster will get better and then you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel again!!!   Do you have support around you?  Family, friends, meetings,  a therapist...  It really does help to have people who understand us!!!  If you ever feel suicidal again with a plan please contact someone to go and get help!!!
You can always PM me if you need to talk or vent and Ill get right back to you!!!
Keep hanging in there!!!  We are routing for you!!!  XO Karen