Feels So Lonely in the Night of Withdrawals

[GoldenFly]

I am asking everyone here- all stages and I would say, unwilling experts on this subject, for support. I am up from 1.5 hours of sleep at 3am about 32 hours since last norco. I only managed to taper for 3 days and my usual dosage was around 6 10mg norcos. I have been back on them for 5 months. I have quit before after years of sporadic use but the reason I hard pressed this time is I found a super reliable hookup. Like 200 pills at a time. I know with this access I won't taper off comfortable and quit so being out totally right now is maybe a Godsend and a sign for just following though.

I workout quite a bit, so sore legs are common half the week. My back goes out sometimes for 5 days. I get terrible headaches. All this aside I LIKE the feeling norco or vicodin gives. Its like an old friend and I feel relief. From stress or the burdens of life. I have lived with out it just ffine but it got really bad this time around. I have a friend who is very supportive also some somas, melatonin, benadryl, and seroquel.

I want my post to be 2 weeks old that I got through this and am energetic again and free of this really expensive stress coping mechanism. Just 1 day out feels so awful and I know there's more days of this. Thanks everyone and good luck to you as well

[GoldenFly]

thanks MC Cheerleaders:) I'm so close to worst being over then. You gotta be iron willed to do this, its sure not for the faint of heart. I'm happy to be off the pills for sure though. Good riddance! Thanks for the support

[jugglin]

Keep pushing thru...u r doing awesome!  Worst symptoms are typically 3-5 days...some a little longer.  You should at least start feeling some relief. Sleep is usually the last thing that stabilizes. You have made it through thus far and are rocking it.  You got this!

[BanMethadone]

5 days, that's a real accomplishment to get through that many days of hell. You're made of stern stuff for sure!!!! I hope tomorrow will be better, and I personally have noticed a marked relief of physical symptoms after day 5 when I did CT in the past. Everyone is different though. Just promise yourself you will get through one more day, and that next day might a little better. Even just a little better will help renew that hope. You will hopefully get some rest tomorrow. Don't loose hope you can do this!

[GoldenFly]

Ughhh bad zero sleep nite as usual. Feel horrible today. Being in labor and giving birth was easier than this, that wrapped up in 12 hours.

Almost 5 days out. Cheers

[GoldenFly]

Update**

Now Im into 4th day, I've done everything everyone so kindly suggested (thanks for taking the time) l-tyrophine, salt bath, normal workouts, potassium etc..
Its 520am another long barely sleeping nite-agony. Its like times going slowwwwer while this suffering rages inside my body. But I'm the stronger one #Eff you pills!!!

I've decided today I will start to feel better, like my old unpilled joyous self:) I can't wait!!!

[jugglin]

Keep up the Epsom baths for the anxiety and sore muscles.  You are doing great!  Keep it up and in the next few days it should start to ease up. Keep your brain distracted any way you can.  Like Gnarly said, rent some movies.  Crank some music.  Read.  Whatever you can do to preoccupy your mind.  You are fighting and doing awesome!!!

[gnarly_1]

Hi well your doing it and every day is a victory usually day 3 and 4 are the worst but there is a light at the end of the tunnel you can do this ''as long as the desire to get clean exceeds the desire to use you will be successful" right now you just got to be o with not being ok for a wile this  to shall pass. keep forcing the fluids eat if you can just snacks work better then a big meal rent some movies so you got something to do late at night sleep is just about impossible during your detox kkep pushing forward AND CUT ALL TIES TO SUPPLY!!!
good luck and God bless .......Gnarly............

[GoldenFly]

On my 3rd day worse one so far. 1-2 hour sleep most days
a little queasy
vibrating
anxiety
feel heavy and exhausted.
Anyways I'm holding steadfast all of you have no fear you did it, and now I am doing it. Worse is over by Friday maybe???

[Frankenkristin]

We're secret warriors, fighting an unknown battle, and we CAN do anything!!! I try I remember good sober times, and look forward to feeling like that again!!
Also, music. All the music. Bubbly, bouncy music!

[GoldenFly]

Thanks again this support is more than I expected going through this. what an unexpected blessing. I'm almost at 2 whole days and with the advice from everyone I'm actually feeling optimistic and pretty happy. Yesterday was horrible, alone with WDs breaking down my door.

But today I feel awful and am fully immersed and you know what? Its not more than I can handle. Like some of you say, just get through 15 minutes. This isn't permanent! The baths helped (zero misery during) the hard 60 minutes on my Elliptical, the start of normal unmuted emotions! Even crying, its ok.

So pats on the back to you all! This is a fight for my life, I got this:)

[BanMethadone]

I like what Frakie said about "paying the piper" because there is no way around it. The good news is that once your done, you don't ever have to suffer it again. It's definitely up to you to choose to become educated about your addiction and to kick it's butt! You can do it... just get through it. It's like childbirth.. you just have to endure the pain, but once it's over you can begin to heal.

[msdelight]

Welcome and congratulations as you begin this journey! Yes you're right.  The love affair we had with pills was heart breaking just like any toxic relationship! Its just never going to make it long term without destroying a great deal of your life! I had the "run out sign" too! I am so glad I listend 5 months ago! Keep going friend you got this!

[GoldenFly]

Ok yes my hookup isn't around but I COULD get some pills easily through all the other sources I've aquired. I already had intent to quit, reading up on taper vs. Cold turkey method so this running out situation is like the sign I needed. This is the start, forced it may be its still what I wanted. Its hard not to romanticize the pills but more so I despise them. I quit a year ago but the surgery I had with the free prescribing doctor re-ignited the lure. I'm so strong not a slave to food or a man but somehow the pills chained me up.

I know like a broken heart time will pass and I will forget what the pills face even looked like. Lol;)

[Bubbleguppie100]

Kristin- look at you- changing your number, deleting fb, good for you! Oh hunny, when I first came to medhelp, I had no self control. I was fragile, broken and scared. I had a terrible pain pill addiction. I still had a few pills left and my angels on here told me to flush them. I did and it felt magical. Listen to the mentors on here. I am 5 months clean because of my friends on here. You can do it girl!

[clean_in_ks]

First and foremost....Welcome to the forum!  It's really good that you are addressing this and want some support, advise and help.

I've just read thru this whole thread....and I identify with A LOT of what you have written.  I also "hear" a lot of myself in what you are writing.  I was able to take hydros off and on for many years, too... before the addiction dragon caught up to me.  Then, the more I took, my brain chemistry crossed that "invisible line" and I required more and more to "do the job", to "get that feeling of relief", and by the time I got to 30 (10 mg) pills/day....they weren't working any more.  I had begun to get them illegally....spending copious amounts of money I had no business spending!   The more we learn about addiction....the more we understand ourselves....and why we can eat egg whites (I don't..cause I LOVE the yolk..lol), spinach, etc. and at the same time shove tons of narcotic pain meds down our throats.  The entire time I was using, I was doing all I could to do "healthy things" to offset the damage I knew I was causing.

Even if we have a history of "being healthy and fit"...we are not immune to being caught in the lure and the trap of addiction.  I surely did, and what "iced the cake" for me was legit medical issues that req'd the meds.  And because those went on for 4 yrs.....I was caught tightly in the web of addiction.  Today....as a recovering addict with 20 months clean...if I had a medical crisis that req'd pain meds, because my dr's records are ALL noted about my addiction history....I would be given "only as many pills as required" prescribed to me...and someone else would have to give me "ONE pill" at a time and ONLY for as long as the medical situation required.  Cause if left to my own devices....it wouldn't take me long to be taking more than prescribed....and back to active addiction I'd go.

So, right NOW....imo, that isn't what should be of great concern to you.
(the future legit need for a narcotic pain med, I mean)

You sound like you are still romanticizing the pills.  And you said you used them to get you thru "emotionally" after the break up of your marriage.  This caught my eye:

"the reason I hard pressed this time is I found a super reliable hookup. Like 200 pills at a time. I know with this access I won't taper off comfortable and quit so being out totally right now is maybe a Godsend and a sign for just following though."

It could very well be a "goldenfly" (lol) opportunity to look at this now.  But you said this hookup fronts you pills.  So why are you out of them now?  
Are you just quitting because your hookup doesn't have any?  Have you ever sought any type of counseling/outside support after going thru your divorce or for any of the other emotional things that you have masked with pills?  

You most definitely CAN quit....but as long as your head knows you have a source, it will remain in the back of your mind forever!...and if you don't have anybody "in person" that knows you are attempting to quit, that will allow you to use again with no accountability.

We will all be here to support you thru detox....offer any help we can...what stands out right now to me is that the love affair in your mind still exists.
Pain, relapse, doing this more than once (hopefully) teaches us a lot....I hope you're one of the rare ones that doesn't have to fight this battle for years....cause freedom from addiction is ours whenever we are truly ready.

[Bubbleguppie100]

Good! That's awesome that you're covering all your bases. You have an amazing attitude. When you have a positive attitude, detox is more manageable. Lol, I have no clue where cold turkey came from? Hahah! Soo funny. You can do this. Keep ur guard up!

[GoldenFly]

No pills nada! I told my boyfriend a never user of anything and he's supportive. Doesn't have any idea what I'm going through (why are you stressed??) But I was hiding it from him and I don't think that's condusive to happily ever after. Yes still in the bath:) hey where does the term cold turkey come from? Like thanksgiving the turkey was cold it made me sick and in pain and that damn turkeys keeping me up for days?? If only I had more

[Frankenkristin]

Flushing?! I'm by strong enough for that, I had to change my number, delete my Facebook, and run out. You have WAY more self control than I!!!!

[Bubbleguppie100]

Oh yes girl, take as many baths as possible. Epsom salt bath are terrific! In my first couple of weeks of detox, I lived in Epsom salt baths. Congrats on getting your life back! Do you still have pills in ur house? If you're going cold turkey, u should flush the rest of the pills. We love flushing parties around here! You got this. Make sure that you cut ur sources & tell ur secrets. Xoxo

[GoldenFly]

Oh so do I IGNORE supplier? My habit is saying oh just get 10 or 20 now that you're finalized in decision to be clean and happy and comfortably taper. But I meant to taper 100 ago. Before that I got 60, thought perfect # to taper with... did not happen in any way.

Ignore him. Pass on the pills I'm a non-taper kind of person probably...

[GoldenFly]

Frankenkristen, yes! Exactly I earned this horrible situation so I knew the storm of cold turkey was coming and honestly I kinda felt like "bring it!" I remember mornings, having walks when the sun was coming up and having all this time each day. That's not how the months of pills are, I'm foggy, nodding off napping not like how I was on morning coffee and being alive. What a big waste this was but yeah we don't think of it when we trade our days away for the warm hug of opiates (short hugs!)

I'm in the bath, it literally erases all that body misery can I stay in a hot bath for a week??

[Frankenkristin]

You're here, and that's awesome, man. You're doing it. Paying the piper. I try to remember when someone asks if I need anything. These things take back everything try gave you, plus interest. Wish we would've known that beforehand. I wonder how many of us would be here if we did?? I somehow think I would.

[jugglin]

We try everything OTC first.  If, you need a legit script due to injury, surgery, etc. then you find a trusted friend or loved one to hold the pills and dole them out per the orders.  When folks taper, they use the trusted friend method as well.  Let me know if the Epsom salts provide any relief!

[GoldenFly]

Yes, you're right... my source! He fronts those evil things to me and in huge amounts (not a doctor) figure its easier for him than driving #25 around town. I quit and business gets rougher, huh;)

I can't even afford them funny enough I find the money to pay every week. I ts such a slippery slope, what do you guys do when you get injured and get a legal script, don't fill it?? I just laugh oh 5 mg that's like taking jellybeans but I'll eat them all too. I must go take an epsom salt bath now see what all the fuss is about...BRB