Day 8, I'm a real mess

[Whenwillilearn]

I am fighting a battle within my own mind.  I've am on day 8 without any hydros and even though withdrawals are over, my mind is killing me.  Everyone I know thinks I'm the best person, best mother, biggest heart, but all of that has been lost within these pills.  I feel so alone since my husband passed and I filled that pain with pills and lost myself along the way.  I have an appointment with mental health in ten days, but that's not soon enough.  I go back to work tomorrow and don't know how to handle all of this and the back pain I know will come on.  Anyone's words of encouragement I will appreciate!

[On2better]

Hi, I just wanted to offer some support. First off, day 8 is a great start. Think about all you have overcome just getting there. If you're anything like me, you took the hydro for energy, to be "on," and to not feel the s*it that life puts you through. Your body and mind haven't properly grieved the loss of your husband and now you have to find a different way to cope with the feelings of loss. You're in a tough situation. But you will get thru it. You'll feel the grief and sadness but you know what else you'll feel? Laughter, energy, happiness (REAL happiness!), youll truly enjoy your kids, and the friends in your life. Popping pills numbs the bad AND the good. And living sober through those happy times is way better than any high you can get from something produced in a lab.  Hang in there friend. We're here for you

[Sonrissa]

I'm sending you prayers and hugs for support! Try hard to think about your brand new Grandbaby! A new life to celebrate! I know how difficult this is! Try to stay focussed and keep moving forward! You can do this! Wishing you the very best!

[selfinduced]

Take your kids attitude with a grain of salt (or is that sand ha), they will come around and feel safer and more empathetic as you get well. It is hard for them to see their mom suffering and not be able to fix it. Makes em defensive as a coping mechanism. Concentrate on losing the pills first and all will fall into place. Listen to Pat.....She's amazing!

[Whenwillilearn]

I have been on and off antidepressants for the last 11 years.  Cutting them cold turkey never affected me.  I try to talk to my kids, my daughter says, that's all you ever want to talk about.  My son says, I don't want to see those crocodile tears.  My kids have been through hell, so I can't blame them.  I live in such a small town that I know my business would get out there.  Just hanging on till I go for counseling, hoping that will help me.  Thank you all so much for all the support you   have given me.  Pat, you hang in there too!  I thought you had been clean for a long time.  You are doing great!

[Pat1956100]

I am on an anti depressant, Effexor and it seems to be working since I have stopped the pain killers.  I went cold turkey off of oxy last Wednesday so I am now on day 5 clean from pain killers.  I don't feel depressed right now which is a godsend.  The depression has been so hard.  I am dealing with some anxiety but finding that melatonin has been helping along with elavil, which is non addictive.  They have been helping me sleep too.
You should talk to your doctor and if you need something to help you then you should get it.  That is what it is for.  I was taking ativan for several years too but managed to wean myself off of it.  I have taken a little bit of it over the past few months trying to get off of the pain killers but I haven't had any this time.

[selfinduced]

Day 8 is such an accomplishment, please don't throw that away. The mental is hard I know. You have suffered so much , I am so sorry. This is a time to be selfish and just take care of yourself. Pills now will only break your spirit and put in more of a funk mentally. There is no good ending with them as you know. Try to stay busy and talk to someone, friend, minister, councilor anyone, just don't use....just for today. Every day your mind will let up some. Your back pain very well may lessen without the meds....It is amazing, but true. Keep posting ok? xx

[Whenwillilearn]

Thank you Pat, my father also died on mothers day, although we were not that close, that was hard on me also.  Are you completely off of all meds?  I think I may need something to calm my nerves?

[Whenwillilearn]

I used to think I was a strong person, but how strong can a person be?  My life has dealt me a wagon full of crap, but I've gotten through most of it till now.  It seems every time I cry, it relieves it a little more.  Just don't know?  Trying to clean my house that I've let go, I'm really forcing myself.  I have my first Grandbaby due any day now.  I have so much to look forward to, why can't I snap out of this?

[Pat1956100]

I medicated myself for 5 years after my husband died and as you know that wasn't the answer.  My sister died a few months after my husband and I just kept popping pills to get through it.  I was so high at her funeral that I barely remember it.  I am going to send you a pm with a few sights that helped me.
You have suffered 2 huge losses and I am so glad you are going for therapy.  I tried it but again, I was very medicated (the therapist didn't know) and she wasn't a good therapist.  She was more interested in the insurance money.
We even had sessions over the phone because I didn't want to get out of bed.
I am sure your therapist is much better than the one i had.
I am going to send you a pm now.

[Whenwillilearn]

Thank you, I feel so terrible about how I let myself get to this point, with all the past experience and knowledge I have with addiction.  My mind keeps telling me to go to the next dr appt and get my new script, but my kids will be so disappointed in me.  I really do need them for my back pain, but how do I control it?  I find myself do mad at my husband for dying and leaving me here all alone.  Yes, I would love some sites that I can go to for support for my grief.  How long did it take you to come around after your husband passed?  I fell in love with my husband, went through his 15 year addiction, divorced him, married another man that died of lung cancer and then remarried my first husband who was clean by then.  Had five wonderful years with him, and then he died with a heart attack.  Through all of this, I held on, until now.  

[meegWpaw]

Wow it sounds like you are a very strong person.  I remember the period around Day 8-10 and it was sooooooooooo hard.  I wasn't really up and about so I was couch-ridden and I had a long habit so I was miserable physically mentally emotionally.  Thank God I was not alone, but if you are that is x times harder.  I think it's really important to get as much support as possible.  If you can, get to NA meetings.  It might not be your cup of tea but it's great for support and companionship, especially early on.  Also stay close here.  I really lived on this forum in the beginning of my recovery and everyone was so great.  Keep the media going, tv, radio/music, internet.  As for work, I'm sure you know it is always so much worse thinking about it than actually doing it ... once you're there it's extraordinary how you will handle it.  I'm sorry you are going through the physical and emotional pain.  You are very brave!

[Pat1956100]

You know what? You don't have to be the best person, best mother, biggest heart for anyone else right now.  You have suffered a tremendous loss and it hasn't been very long since that happened.  You need to heal and think about yourself right now.  You are entitled to grieve.  I think I was still in shock the first year.  There are many online support groups for widows and several on facebook.  If you are interested I will pm you some sites that helped me.
Please allow yourself some time to grieve and think about you for a change.
My heart goes out to you.