Fooled myself

Well I have f'd up.  I knew I would when I started back. Call it denial. I've gone through a month supply of diet pills in like 2 weeks.  I was to the point that I couldn't walk straight the other day.  I feel ashamed n upset.  Upset with myself n upset with my husband.  I'm not blaming him but he really hasn't been the support I need.  Or maybe it's just me manipulating him into thinking I'm ok. Idk. It's probably me, I'm sure.  I told myself it'd be ok.  Heck he just left me the bottle, trusting me. HA!  All I've been able to think about since Sunday is getting me some coke.  I can taste it.  I won't though. I will stay sting on that but honestly only because of my kids.  I just needed to vent.

[dominosarah]

Please get some help with this.  Diet pills are very dangerous also.......

[10356]

Hi Kelseago.. sorry to see you back here in this position.  you know you should go to see your Dr. and if you do not have one find one. abusing the diet pills can cause many problems. just as coke can. we have many reasons we use our doc  when I was using speed it was for weight reasons among many other. It takes work to be a addict it also takes work to be in recovery.. I benefited a lot by seeing a psychiatrist help to heal to grow up to accept my past. Once I did that I really started into recovery but this did not happen till I have been addicted for 4 decades. now I have medical issues due to my abuse.. a couple of years ago I got into healthy eating. it takes work but so does being a active addict I also took up a hobby of photography it helped me with cravings anxiety and to get out in a world I was not really use to. as addicts we are secretive in nature.. I also got honest with a lot of people.. It was worth the journey now that I look back. I know we each must find our own way but I just hope you do not take as long as I did. I know the people that care for me are glad to have the real me. as for the husband no he does not get being a addict Thank Goodness as I think only a addict would understand why we deliberately hurt ourselves by taking too many drugs. this is why many speak of aftercare You can do this just get your mind in the zone. you are fighting for your life.. lesa

[Kelseago]

Thanks.  I know I need help. I've been researching for somewhere to go.  Im having and inner battle with myself.  My husband, who doesn't see the problem with the diet pills.  So this helps me validate I'm ok.  But he doesn't know how much I'm taking anymore.  

[LeaAnn807]

You definitely need some inpatient help.  This could kill you really quickly.  They are hard on your heart and BP!

[Kelseago]

Yeah, I know.  I've been on them for abt 14yrs too.  I was off for abt a month. Idk why I went back.  They're just so easy to get. They're everywhere, just like alcohol.  :-/

[IBKleen]

Please get the help as suggested. Also, you need to stop blaming others for your addiction. It sounds like you are angry with him for trusting you. It is not his job to babysit you. You are responsible for your using and your recovery and you cannot expect him to understand your disease. Focus on yourself and what YOU need to get well.

Let us know how you are doing.

[Kelseago]

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not really angry with him, truly. I'm angry with myself for allowing myself to buy into what everyone said.  It's not their fault, mine.  I knew better, he didn't.

[vicki595]

Kels--  We talked about this when you first started back on the diet pills. You were in denial then but we could all see this coming.  You cannot get through this on your own,I mean it. And no amount of strength will get you through. You will fail because it's not about being strong, it's about being smart and getting some professional help.

You just can't do it for "the kids" or anyone else. You have to do it for you and first you have to love yourself!!!   I know you don't see it but this is a slow suicide...

Check into some programs but first get in to see your doctor,okay?

[dominosarah]

What do you mean you are angry at yourself for buying into what everyone said?

[Kelseago]

I mean they were telling me that it's ok, it's just diet pills.  That I can handle them. I think they were just telling me what I wanted to hear.  Maybe I just wasn't listening to the right people

[dominosarah]

Yes they were telling you what you wanted to hear.  You have to change up your playground and playmates Kels.  

[gnarly_1]

HI Kels tha advise in the above posts is spot on the only thing I wanted to add that was left out
is it is so so ez to get cross addicted to something different right after getting clean....I think this is whats happened here as addicts were use to fixing things with a pill weather it be a speeder downer or in betweener where looking to keep the cycle of taking a pill to feel better
you need to break that cycle....I have often said as addicts we need to change the very way we think to recover ....take the time and get pluged (plugged) into some form of aftercare you can retrain yourself how to think but not alone...at least you caught this thing before it got completely out of hand keep posting and will all help you all we can we all want to see you succeed...I would really like to see something you painted so post some pics......Gnarly  

[Kelseago]

This was/is the original addiction actually, since 16.  I'm trying a new craft right now, cake decorating :). I'm doing one right now