INFO FRIENDS OF ADDICTS SHOULD KNOW?

[adviceseeker777]

HI,
I am not sure if I am in the right place, but I am having difficulty finding advice and information for friends of addicts, in this case a friend addicted to painkillers.  I had known my friend was a recovering addict for quite some time and then recently went through a series of surgeries that required the use of painkillers.  She had assured me she had gotten off them after each surgery successfully, but I was noticing really erratic behavior- paranoia, violent temper, aggression, no concentration, lack of memory, bizarre conversations, incredible anger, etc.  Never having been around a recovering addict before I was not sure whether or not I was picking up on a problem. Thankfully, my friend had admitted herself into a rehab program.  BUT I feel there are questions I should know the answers to...
.are there certain changes in behavior one should look for?  If your friend does not admit that there is a problem or hides it, what is the best action to take?  what happens during the entire rehab process and what should friends do to help keep them on track?  is it possible that when they complain about the physical pain they are feeling, they could be psychologically exaggerating the pain as an excuse to go back to the drugs?  Are there things about an addict's personality that are different from someone who is not---for example, is there a tendency toward deceitfulness and lying about behavior that is common?
any info you could provide would be much appreciated...or if you have any websites to recommend as well.  I would like to help my friend as best I can when she comes through this...and I would like to know what I should or should not say in terms of possibly triggering a relapse...
thanks in advance.

[runt316]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's clear to see what a solid friend you are. I can't even begin to imagine how your friendship is any kind of trigger for her use or relapse (unless you're busting out a bottle of pain meds in front of her!). And I don't think there are things you should deliberately avoid, sometimes those avoided topics eventually become the elephant in the room everyone is pretending isn't there. You could write her a letter or card telling her how much you admire her strength in going thru rehab & basically tell her all the things you told me in your post.

[flmagi]

To answer your question about could you be a trigger for her pill taking. Well, certain people can be a trigger, for me , it's my husband. For my sister, it's our mother. These people are triggers, but a better word would be excuses.  So, yes, certain people, events or situations are excuses to use. We have over time, lost the ability to deal with stress, emotions and confrontations etc. without the pills.  These are the things that recovering addicts need to learn to deal with and why after care is important. Getting to core issues.
Good luck with your friend.

[lostmarbles]

ditto to what the above said... and you are a very good friend for wanting to know and help your friend... understanding the addict is a good first step, often we don't understand ourselves... i hope you do stay around as this is such a valuable site to addicts and friends/family  of addicts... alot of understaing goes a long, long way... good luck and I hope your friend comes through this too ..

[Greatgreebo]

Your friend is very lucky to have you. Most of what you described above is the behaviour of an addict. We will lie and cheat and steal to get what we want (drugs). Unless an addict is ready to admit there is a problem there is nothing you can do for them. Sometimes walking away is your only option if they want to keep using.
Read up on addiction (this forum is a great learning tool)-so when your friend gets out you can be of help. You don't want to be an enabler-watch out for that. That is the worst thing you can do for an addict.
Stick around this forum, go into our profiles and read our journals. Post questions and read the posts that come up on the forum. You will learn quite a bit.
You are a very kind person. I hope your friend decides to stay clean. You can be a great support system for her.
Like I said-you are welcome here and may want to stick around.
Cheers,
Greatgreebo

[adviceseeker777]

thank you so much for your post.  Honestly, I see nothing you need to be ashamed of.  I've suffered from depression for most of my life and have been through years and years of therapy myself.  Everyone has their problems, and I've always been very open about mine and quick to admit I see a psychiatrist and take meds to deal with it.  I refuse to be ashamed.  You should refuse to be ashamed as well!  We are all human with our own set of weaknesses.  There is nothing to judge here. It's amazing how when you just open up and are honest with others about your struggles how many times you will find the people you tell are dealing with their own demons and begin to share.  Life is not easy.  For anyone.  And I'm very suspicious of those who pretend their life is perfect.  
Thank you so much for the advice on how to deal with my friend.  I guess one of the things I'm worried about is whether or not our friendship, which has had its difficult times over the years, may be the source or trigger for relying on pain killers.  I'm not sure if there are things I should avoid talking about, etc.  
I'm wishing you the very best with your recovery.  I could only imagine how difficult it is and I have a lot of respect for all of you who are fighting to stay clean.  Don't give up!  You will make it through!  And don't be afraid to rely on your friends and the people who love you!

[runt316]

I think it's great that you are taking such a pro-active stance for your friend. Being an addict is such a shameful thing. We've lived our lives lying to friends, family & ourselves. Especially when those people are previously aware of the problem, it's more difficult to admit to failure & relapse. You just can't imagine they would ever understand, or you feel like you've let them down (once again), or admitting it would force you to try & stop using again. You're also afraid of how that person(s) will look at you or may be judging you inside. Having relapsed myself, I beat myself up more than anyone else could for me. But since your friend has checked herself in to rehab, it should be easier you to talk to her more openly about it. Ask her occasionally how her recovery is going or if there's anything you could for her to make it any easier for her. Be honest about your feelings & try not to judge- that will only make her withdraw. Tell her you know how high the relapse rate is & that you're very proud of her that she's taking the steps to overcome her problem. In general, just remind her how much you care & how important her problem is to you as well, that she's not alone in this. As far as the temper, aggression, etc...I'm not familiar w/ that as being a symptom of being on the pills, but everyone is different. It may even be sign she was taking herself off the pills, making  her irritable, depressed & short-tempered. That I AM familiar with!

[addictedme]

Nar anon and narc anon are programs for familys of addicts,,gl