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Grief,resentment,anxiety,drug relapse
I've been clean from Cocaine for 4 years and I lost my Daughter this year she was hit by a Metra train and I feel guilty for her death, I'm trying so hard to get the image of her being hit by that Train and it plays over and over in my head. I have a lot of support from my Mom but, I'm battling with this and now I have relapsed and the shame is eating me alive and to add to it ...I'm a Mental Health Counselor....I try to help others now how do I use what I "KNOW" to help myself?
Day 4 CLEAN, starting over you know when you Relapse you have to start all over which brings on the disappointment I (we) feel. Trying to feel better today , trust me I'll be honest in my recovery, I hurt so bad inside for what I've done and I have always been a very self conscious person morally and spiritually and usually will put myself last. Guilt will eat me alive as it is doing now !!!
Up this morning, off work today, will try to rest and sort out some things and get my "DUKES" back up for this fight. So pissed about using but at least here I get to tell somebody about it !
We seem to always find some way to blame ourselves. I blame myself for my husband's death because I should have made him go to the doctor earlier.
You do need to talk about it and I know what you mean about friends not wanting to hear about it. The more you talk about it the better you will feel. It happened and your friends just want to go back to how it was before.
They can't deal with it either. It is so uncomfortable when you try to talk to your friends and all you get is silence or a head nod and then they change the subject.
That is why I really think you need to see a therapist so you can talk freely to someone who hopefully can help you.
You have been through so much and nobody could handle it without help.
Keep coming here and talking as much as you want but please check into therapy.
Hugs
Pat
You do need to talk about it and I know what you mean about friends not wanting to hear about it. The more you talk about it the better you will feel. It happened and your friends just want to go back to how it was before.
They can't deal with it either. It is so uncomfortable when you try to talk to your friends and all you get is silence or a head nod and then they change the subject.
That is why I really think you need to see a therapist so you can talk freely to someone who hopefully can help you.
You have been through so much and nobody could handle it without help.
Keep coming here and talking as much as you want but please check into therapy.
Hugs
Pat
Yes , I cried all the way to work today, not Boo Hooing but the tears just started flowing, I felt like it was my fault, we had a falling out a month before this happened and I wanted to make peace with her and it was a parenting issue. My Mom says that I did nothing wrong being a parent but I think if that hadn't happened she would still be here.
I plan to come everyday and I want to thank all for words of encouragement and understanding, I hate have relapsed I have to be strong for my Grandchildren 5 and 3 that she left. Thank you so much!
My Mom has really been my support system, can't really talk to friends or so called so that's why I'm here, not for pity but just to get it out and I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and I plan to post everyday that I might share and help too, Thank you soooooooo much!
My deepest condolences for your loss. It truly is a parents worst nightmare. Its no wonder you sought an escape. Please don't beat yourself up. Life keeps coming at us trying to trip us up. My heart goes out to you and im happy to see you reaching out for help. Some excellent advice on here. Please keep us posted. God bless.
Pat is right. You need to get a counsellor, and get one ASAP. You didn't witness the incident with your daughter did you? This is your imagination pulling up an image and playing it over and over. I'm not sure why ones mind does this, but it does. When I am feeling low, images an situations that are bad replay themselves. It's like a conspiracy of misery. There are ways to deal with that. You need to have a lovely memory of all the good things you had. Not the bad.
I wish I had some wonderful advice to give. I don't but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your child. My heart goes out to you. If I were in your position I feel like I would have done the same thing and probably needed to put in the hospital on a thorazine drip so honey you are doing great just to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and put your feet on the floor. Please forgive yourself for this relapse.
I agree also that it is very important for you to get support. How is your support system?
I agree also that it is very important for you to get support. How is your support system?
My heart truly goes out to you. I cannot imagine your pain and your grief. Losing a child is the worst thing in the world and the tragic way you lost your daughter would be even more horrendous.
As a mental health counselor you know all about PTSD and I am sure you have a severe case. You are playing it over and over in your head and you know what that means. I have and perhaps still am suffering from PTSD due to the loss of my husband and a short time later my sister.
You also know you can't counsel yourself. You need to seek out your own therapy and do it right away. I began using pills to deal with my grief and I am still struggling 5 years later because of covering up my feelings. Now I keep relapsing and using. I am trying again to get clean but it is really hard to stay clean without help.
I really hope that you seek out some help. It would be impossible to get through what you have experienced without any help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Hugs
Pat
As a mental health counselor you know all about PTSD and I am sure you have a severe case. You are playing it over and over in your head and you know what that means. I have and perhaps still am suffering from PTSD due to the loss of my husband and a short time later my sister.
You also know you can't counsel yourself. You need to seek out your own therapy and do it right away. I began using pills to deal with my grief and I am still struggling 5 years later because of covering up my feelings. Now I keep relapsing and using. I am trying again to get clean but it is really hard to stay clean without help.
I really hope that you seek out some help. It would be impossible to get through what you have experienced without any help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Hugs
Pat
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