Aa
Help for my brother and my parents
My brother has had a drug abuse problem for many years. He was originally addicted to meth and before he went to jail, crack. My parents have put him in rehab many times or some time of halfway house/rehab facility. My brother had a terrible accident at work which caused him to be temporarily disabled. During this time (10 months) he lived with my parents. For 8 months before that, he had been clean due to being in jail or one of the rehabs. So, for 18 months, he has been clean. He went to NA and got his 18 month chip. We were proud of him.
He's 24 years old now. He recently got a settlement for his accident, got a car and went nuts. My parents tried to help control his spending, but he's 24 and it is his money so there's not much they can do about how he spends the money. He's had the car 2 weeks and already he is back on crack. He was actually on a 3 day crack binge. My parents are at a loss. He's an adult and refuses to go to rehab. He's on probation, but the police and probation department here is worthless and I mean WORTHLESS. I feel like our only real hope is for him to get caught somehow and put back in jail. They can't afford rehab again. They've completely depleated any money they had helping to get him off drugs before.
My parents are enablers and they admit it. They love their child. I have children so I relate, but I feel like they are just getting too old for this stuff. They feel like kicking him out is not an option at this point, but what else is there to do? Let him live there and be a drug addict?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
He's 24 years old now. He recently got a settlement for his accident, got a car and went nuts. My parents tried to help control his spending, but he's 24 and it is his money so there's not much they can do about how he spends the money. He's had the car 2 weeks and already he is back on crack. He was actually on a 3 day crack binge. My parents are at a loss. He's an adult and refuses to go to rehab. He's on probation, but the police and probation department here is worthless and I mean WORTHLESS. I feel like our only real hope is for him to get caught somehow and put back in jail. They can't afford rehab again. They've completely depleated any money they had helping to get him off drugs before.
My parents are enablers and they admit it. They love their child. I have children so I relate, but I feel like they are just getting too old for this stuff. They feel like kicking him out is not an option at this point, but what else is there to do? Let him live there and be a drug addict?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I'm sorry you have to watch your brother destroy himself, while he hurts everyone in his wake.
There's an attorney I know named Chuck, who's now in his early 40's, married with kids and as sober as the judges he practices in front of. His parents are now very close to him and his new immediate family.
When he was about 30 the opposite was true. His parents not only had to throw him out, they had to cut all ties with him. They sent him a letter that told him that any further contact was not welcome. He was specifically told not to come over, not to call and not to write unless he was clean & sober at least 6 months. The words that I can recall verbatim from the letter are "it is simply too painful for us to watch you destroy yourself. We won't do it anymore."
Then they stuck to their word.
Chuck has told me that his parents' action was huge in helping him turn the corner into Recovery. He says it was necessary for him to reach the end of his rope. Many, if not most, of us simply cannot get better if there's any little bit of rope left to hang on to. I know I couldn't.
Of course all that's easier said than done. I have four kids and the thought of having to turn my back on one of them makes me ill. Given their gene pool, however, it's a thing I may have to face one day.
The fact that rehab was tried before doesn't necessarily mean it's too late for rehab. I had to go twice - once for 28 days (after which I quickly relapsed) and once for 122 days (with no relapse as of today). To be perfectly honest, I think 28 day rehabs are dangerous - it's just not long enough for most folks.
In case afer case after case, they're with the program and feeling GREAT about their Recovery as they pack their bags on days 28. But they end up feeling like the rug's been pulled out from underneath them when they leave the safe place and return to the scene of their crimes. They (and often those around them) think that they should be back at the top of their game, with their problem treated and behind them. The truth is that they're at one of the most dangerous times in Recovery and most of the problems are still to the front . . . and they're not ready to face it yet unless they stay in a safe place, with safe people.
I know you said your parents don't have the resources to invest in further rehab, but they may not have to. Most states have programs for long-term Recovery programs that are virtually free. You might check with some local social services reps and see exactly what is available in your area. If long term, no-cost treatment is available, your parents might be able to present it to him as a "Hobson's choice" -- go to this long-term treatment or simply go away.
In the meantime, it might be of great benefit for you and your parents to try some Al-Anon (see http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I know a fair number of folks in that program through my time in AA. They tell me it's been a life saver.
I will pray for all of you.
CATUF
Day-951
There's an attorney I know named Chuck, who's now in his early 40's, married with kids and as sober as the judges he practices in front of. His parents are now very close to him and his new immediate family.
When he was about 30 the opposite was true. His parents not only had to throw him out, they had to cut all ties with him. They sent him a letter that told him that any further contact was not welcome. He was specifically told not to come over, not to call and not to write unless he was clean & sober at least 6 months. The words that I can recall verbatim from the letter are "it is simply too painful for us to watch you destroy yourself. We won't do it anymore."
Then they stuck to their word.
Chuck has told me that his parents' action was huge in helping him turn the corner into Recovery. He says it was necessary for him to reach the end of his rope. Many, if not most, of us simply cannot get better if there's any little bit of rope left to hang on to. I know I couldn't.
Of course all that's easier said than done. I have four kids and the thought of having to turn my back on one of them makes me ill. Given their gene pool, however, it's a thing I may have to face one day.
The fact that rehab was tried before doesn't necessarily mean it's too late for rehab. I had to go twice - once for 28 days (after which I quickly relapsed) and once for 122 days (with no relapse as of today). To be perfectly honest, I think 28 day rehabs are dangerous - it's just not long enough for most folks.
In case afer case after case, they're with the program and feeling GREAT about their Recovery as they pack their bags on days 28. But they end up feeling like the rug's been pulled out from underneath them when they leave the safe place and return to the scene of their crimes. They (and often those around them) think that they should be back at the top of their game, with their problem treated and behind them. The truth is that they're at one of the most dangerous times in Recovery and most of the problems are still to the front . . . and they're not ready to face it yet unless they stay in a safe place, with safe people.
I know you said your parents don't have the resources to invest in further rehab, but they may not have to. Most states have programs for long-term Recovery programs that are virtually free. You might check with some local social services reps and see exactly what is available in your area. If long term, no-cost treatment is available, your parents might be able to present it to him as a "Hobson's choice" -- go to this long-term treatment or simply go away.
In the meantime, it might be of great benefit for you and your parents to try some Al-Anon (see http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I know a fair number of folks in that program through my time in AA. They tell me it's been a life saver.
I will pray for all of you.
CATUF
Day-951
Unfortunately, the stealing has already begun. I really hope that my parents can bring themselves to try tough love. They've done it before and he lived on the street and in abandoned houses, but it didn't work. Well, I say they tried it before, but they still gave him money so they NEVER stopped helping completely. My mom has been saying things like, "Am I overreacting?" and, "Maybe he'll get up Wed. morning and go to his new job." She is in shock and denial at this point. I am praying for the best. I am praying for them to see the light and do what is right for the situation. I appreciate the advice. It helps!
I totally agree with IBKLEEN!!!!
I know that is hard for a parent, but they have tried and tried, and tough love is it for him, i am afraid..
I am a mother too, and that has to be the toughest thing in the world!!
hang in there
r2r
I know that is hard for a parent, but they have tried and tried, and tough love is it for him, i am afraid..
I am a mother too, and that has to be the toughest thing in the world!!
hang in there
r2r
I am so sorry.
No hun, I do not believe that they should continue to let me live there and be an addict. It is not healthy for them, or him. He will continue to use until he hits bottom, and he may not do that is he is being enabled, which you admitted that they are doing. Also, if may get to the point where it becomes so bad that he begins stealing from them....or other things. Sad, but true.
As I am sure you know by now, he has to WANT this. Seems he does not, and that is heart breaking. But, the best thing they can do for all is a little tough love. Boy, is that hard to do!!
Maybe, just maybe......he will hit rock bottom and get his life together.
My mom was my greatest enabler. She would not turn her back on me. So I thought. One day she did and I got a huge dose of reality. She actually helped me to get clean. Had it not been for that incident, well..who knows?
As hard as it is, talk to them and see how they feel. Only they can make the choice.
Good luck and hope to hear from you again.
You are a good sister...........
No hun, I do not believe that they should continue to let me live there and be an addict. It is not healthy for them, or him. He will continue to use until he hits bottom, and he may not do that is he is being enabled, which you admitted that they are doing. Also, if may get to the point where it becomes so bad that he begins stealing from them....or other things. Sad, but true.
As I am sure you know by now, he has to WANT this. Seems he does not, and that is heart breaking. But, the best thing they can do for all is a little tough love. Boy, is that hard to do!!
Maybe, just maybe......he will hit rock bottom and get his life together.
My mom was my greatest enabler. She would not turn her back on me. So I thought. One day she did and I got a huge dose of reality. She actually helped me to get clean. Had it not been for that incident, well..who knows?
As hard as it is, talk to them and see how they feel. Only they can make the choice.
Good luck and hope to hear from you again.
You are a good sister...........
Huh... sounds all to familiar... a drug addict using and abusing himself and his or her family. I'm sorry to hear that you and your family are being troubled and I'm sure annoyed by his choices. There are great people here with lots of advice for you and your family. Stick around and check on your post and read some others to get some insight.
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