Motives

[Punkinhead75]

    This past friday I went to a funeral and a reception for a friend of mine who comitted suicide.  He was a friend who I knew from the bar I used to drink at.  He was 25 yrs older than me but we still enjoyed each others company and we could talk and be honest with each other. My wife had known him since she was a little girl and was much closer with him than I was.  She took the news of his death a little harder than I did.  He was a good person and helpful to others.  

     At the reception my wife, who is sober, and I sat at a table with old drinking friends one of which is her best friend.  We were the only two not drinking.  They open a bottle of whiskey and start pouring some in everybody's glass so they could do a toast to our dead friend.  My wife had diet soda and I had water.  We sat and talked and laughed and cried.  We ate and enjoyed each others company.  A lot of memories and emotions were dealt with.  I even made an amends while I was there.  Turns out it wasn't even necessary,  at least not for him.  The night came to an end and my wife and I went home, together.  We talked a bit on the way home and told each other how much we love one another.

    At meetings I hear talk of motives.  People say to check your motives when entering into a situation.  Especially if there is going to be drinking or drugging going on around you.  Why are we really here?  What am I hoping to get out of it?  etc.  My motives for being there were to say goodbye to a friend.  I was there to support his family.  I was there to support and be with friends.  Most of all I was there to support my wife.  My overall concern was for others.  The desire to drink never came.  

    The Big Book of alcoholics anonymous tells me that selfishness and selfcenteredness is the root of my trouble.  When I have self seeking motives I am headed for trouble.  The recent experience that I have been blessed with shows me that when my motive is to help others with no expectations of anything in return I am protected.

The things that help me stay clean and sober when heading into challenging situations:

Let someone know where I am going

Stay in contact with that person during the event

Call them when it is over

Have an "escape plan"

Be honest.  When I can't be there any longer GET OUT!!

Keep my motives to being of service.

Thanks for letting me share.


    

[Punkinhead75]

Unfortunately it was a shock to everybody.  He had been doing ok from what I understand.  The doctor changed his antidepressants and something just switched in his head.  I know when I tried to kill myself about 18 yrs ago I was very much at peace with it and actually seemed happier and relaxed.  I think that was because the debate had stopped and a decision was made.  It was something I wrestled and fought with for about 5 yrs.  Anyway,  we never know what is going on inside someone elses head.  We do the best we can and go where God puts us.  Thanks for everybodys support it is very helpful and greatly appreciated.

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude sorry to here about your friend...suicide is such a sad sad story...if only someone had reached out...we can never take the well being of others around us for granted it is up to us to reach out as often as we can you never know the next one thats planing something so devastating.each.. day I try to reach out to someone in need...some days I make a difference others I may be wasting my time....but you never know when you might just impact somebody and change the course of the life or possible even there life....the moral of the story is alway make yourself available to help somebody...dude im not blaming you....you probably had know idea what was going on....but chances are someone did.....Gnarly      

[ang_811]

Sorry to hear of u loss. Ty for bn there for me... Prayers r with u

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about you and your wife's friend.  Such a tragedy.       sara

[Punkinhead75]

LOL!!!  I hear you cook a perfect steak.   MMMMMMM!!!!!!  The King of Kansas City line is from an old Roger Miller song.  It's kinda silly but is upbeat and fun to sing.  Catch ya later!!!!!

[FassFeat]

Punkin, Sorry about you and your wife's friend. Sorry to hear that. Thanks for the post, I learn something here every day. Although the message is something that inherently we should all know, it is good to see in black and white. Thanks for sharing with us.

People in Kansas City eat Omaha steaks..lol I'm just sayin.   Andrew

[LeaAnn807]

I agree totally!  I'm staying accountable too, and it has made all the difference for me and for my relationship with my family.  Sorry about your friend. That's really a tough one.

HUGS!  So sorry!

[gizzy32]

I am sorry to hear about your friend, that is sad. I just wanted to say congrats to you and your wife for staying clean and from what I have read on your posts, you work your recovery hard and that is why you have so much clean time. Proud of you and keep sharing your experience with us:)