Here we go again

[lynnalb15]

Yup it's me again. I found myself avoiding the boards due to my still longing addiction. I'm a liar and just a terrible person. No one knows im on methadne. And I wana keep it this way. Back up to 15mg a day. And tried stopping last week and couldn't even lift a muscle to play with my baby. So I did it. Who have I become? I so badly want to go to my doctor and tell her everything but I'm afraid of cps. I have to break this habit soon. I have vacations coming up and can even be excited about them thinking how sick I will feel. I'm thinking of calling my mother in law and spilling my guts and having her watch my little one while I check myself into another rehab.  But. Can't without my husband knowing. And he will up and leave me. I'll lose my family if I tell anyone. I'm so stuck. I want to ween myself again and just suck it up and detox but can't seem to get the courage. Thus drug is a monster. Sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I'd like some advice please. If I come clean to my dr what will happen? I really need help. I'm so ashamed posting this. So very ashamed.

[lulu747]

Hi Lynn,

Honey, my heart is going out to you right now.  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.  You need to make a choice and surround yourself with as much support as you can.  Your husband was incredibly supportive when he came online and talked to us before, what has changed?  You can't make assumptions about how someone will react- it's just fear standing in the way.  You need to be gentle with yourself and act from love.  The others have suggested some NA meetings and I absolutely concur.  You need and deserve this support Lynn.  Set yourself up for success.  Remember, you can't change the past or control the future, all you have is this moment right now and the choices that you make.  

Sending love and support...
Lu

[kurtisdopesick]

I think you should tell both your mother in law and your husband, you need the support of your family when your going through something like this.

The sooner you do it the sooner you can stop feeling like this : )

I am 11 days off methadone now. Had to tell my GF and i thought she was going to leave, but she didn't she hugged me and stuck by my side.

You can do it everyone's here for you : )

[lynnalb15]

Sorry I have been busy. I'm still here. Still trying to figure it all out. I just don't know who to turn to anymore.

[dominosarah]

Lynn where are you?

[dominosarah]

Hi Lynn, I was thinking about you yesterday and you appear!  I am sorry to hear you are back on Methadone.  Are you going to a clinic to get this?  Your husband seemed very supportive the last time.  Have things changed?  What caused you to go back again?  Please try to not be embarrassed, you are amongst friends.

Dont worry about CPS getting involved.  Dont use that as an excuse.  You know our secrets keep us sick.  If you dont have the time to be sick then make the time to be well~~~I know you have it in you to get and stay clean.

[Bkitty]

Maybe this will help ease your mind if you think of it like this: There are thousands and thousands of women addicted to drugs legal/not legal that have children. If CPS took their children because of that there would be so many children without homes ( And yes there are a lot already) but my point is this,,why would asking for help cause CPS to get involved. There is no neglect,,baby is well cared for,,all needs are met. You need to take care of you for your baby. I feel having a doctor to help will give you a lot of peace of mind. I know you know what you need to do. Like Mark said,,aftercare is very very important. I promise you this,,if you take that first step and ask for help you will find yourself asking " Why did I wait so long to do this" In NA there are a lot of people there waiting with open arms. Let them help you. Its ok. I wish you all the best ((hugs))~Bkitty

[lynnalb15]

Thank you everyone for the support no matter what. I will keep you all updated. I know what I need to do and some whole always find my way. And sonrissa congrats on the clean time. Keep it up. Your now my inspiration.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Lynn, Gosh I am so very sorry! I don't think you know me, but I was following your story a couple months ago when I was a lurker and still taking pills! I am 6 days clean now in part because of your inspiration! So thank you for that! I'm sorry you are hurting! Please don't ever give up! You will make it! Just start over! Try not to worry so much! You have so many people here who will help and support you! I wish you the best! I'm praying hard for you!

[kme17]

Why would cps get involved? I havent heard of one person who came clean to their doc n cps was involved. Im sure state matters but...

[kme17]

Is your husband that up on leaving you or are you just assuming? I can say when love is present and a small child. Its not that easy! Maybe he needs to get more info on this disease and realize that exactly what it is!. If he had an in cureable diesaese like herpes would u leave him? Im pretty sure now at this point in your life. You would stick it our work thru it counceling whaevert it took right? I think you should look in to talking to him. But if your that stern on keeping it from him. I dont know ur situation. Then come here and tell him flu season is in. $hit my mom wanted to visit me said cant i got a flu. My aunt said oh yeh is call summer flu veru cantagious.... Sry for spellign typing quick

[littlebit667]

You are NOT a terrible person.  You are an addicted one...big difference!  Please be kinder to yourself...we love you just the way you are and will love you when you are clean or not.  We just want you happy and you are not happy right now.  I think you more afraid of CPS than you should be.  I am sure your child or children are clean and fed and housed and happy.  

I think you HAVE to talk to your doctor.  Please consider it.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Lynn sorry to here your under the grip of methadone again its a monster to kick I fel for you your just going to have to make up your mind and taper off please get a doctor involved in the prosess you dont need another seizure .....look I have been going back to N/A every day for the last 2 weeks it really helps when your head is in the wrong place you need this support it is helping me give it a shot
anny way where here for you for support if you want to talk just P/M me your friend Mark  

[hiskidd]

Don't be ashamed. Can you taper? Take care of yourself, next summers vacations will be here. Take care of you. Praying. David

[selfinduced]

Hi Lynn, So sorry your back in the thick of it again. I remember your husband being so very supportive last time. If you spill to MIL, of course he will know. I think it best to come clean and get back in rehab to see this addiction thru. Maybe more intense therapy for a longer period? My heart goes out to you, I know you've battled for a long while. Do you go to meetings? Perhaps getting a sponsor will keep you on track? Someone will be along to advise you further. Hang tight....