34 days off narcos

[Lifeaholic]

I want to thank the MH community for helping me reach 34 days clean of narcos. I've never posted but I read everything. I used for 7 years and got up to 5 a day. I only used because they gave me this insatiable energy I've never experienced. Since I was little I've suffered from fatigue. I think it might be in relation to my anxiety but I remember always being tired after school and wanting to sleep while the other kids played. I plan on going to meetings but my mom who still uses pills and other things goes to meetings here and I'm not ready to deal with her. Also I applied to grad school and should hear back soon and I'm scared somehow going to meetings will ruin my chances of getting in if someone sees me. My stepdad goes to meetings here too but he's actually clean and I'm not ready to tell him yet either. I hate disappointing people. But anyways this is my umpteenth time to quit but I never made it past 12 days. This is the longest and I'm still extremely tired but every time I feel down I come here and feel inspired again. No matter what don't pick up. I never thought I was really messed up on pills bc I took so little but now that I'm sober I realize that was the addict rationalizing. I used to be satisfied taking pills and just cleaning or watching tv bc I was high. Now I have the desire to enjoy life and actually get out and have experiences. I keep reading it takes months for the extreme lethargy and fatigue to go away so I'm being patient. There's no other option. Also I've learned to say no. Before the pills helped me be super mom. People would always ask me how I did so much. Every time the guilt would overwhelm me and I'd just shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. I don't have to be perfect. I only take on what I can handle and if I'm too tired to finish the laundry then I save it for tomorrow. Who cares??? My daughter won't remember that day I didn't finish the laundry. But she will remember how engaged I was in her life and that I made time to ride bikes with her instead of worrying when I'll get more pills so I'll have enough energy to finish the laundry. (I really hate laundry lol) luckily I love the holidays and it actually helps me because I become overjoyed thinking about Christmas lights, Christmas music, and hot cocoa. Three things I actually had in my house lastnight. Thank you everyone here I am very grateful for your honesty and wisdom.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl congrats on 35 days clean your doing great.....I hope you reconsider going to the meetings it is the single best thing you can do for your recovery....as for meeting someone you know there   there there for the same reason your there  it would also be a big thing to tell your parents  our secrets keep us sick  they probably all ready know  we think where getting away with it but in most cases they already know something just ant right  thanks for posting your success and keep posting for support............Gnarly

[LeapYearGUY]

Honey!
You are doing so great, but you are flat out wrong about one thing: the idea that going to meetings is admitting failure. It is the 100% opposite! I know you won't believe me today, but I promise you that if you do go, one day very soon you will look back and say, wow! That Leap Guy was right!

The same goes for disappointing your step dad. You've got it backwards!

But that's ok! Just hang in there, "believe that I believe" and write down these words someplace you can see them: Surrender to Win.

[Lifeaholic]

Thanks Vickie for your advice. You know now that you mention it I was denied donating blood before bc of low iron. I'll look into that. And I started doing the protein stuff after seeing Gnarly mention it. But that's it. I'm kind of a health nut which is weird since I'm an addict but my diet is organic whole foods and lots of water. I did get a head cold 4 days ago and I cooked for 2 days for thanksgiving so that might be why I'm tired too. I think I'm really apprehensive about meetings bc I hate admitting failure. Perfectionist syndrome at its worse. But I know it's the only secure long term plan. I'm just so scared to say I'm an addict out loud to other people. I grew up here and am scared of seeing people but that's stupid bc they're there for the same reason. Ugh. It would be nice to talk to somebody though. Nobody knows except my cousin. None of my friends or family and I have a lot of family here. I can't say thank you enough. This forum has truly been a lifesaver. Ty!

[VICourageous]

Hello & Welcome.

First I would life to Congratulate you on your 34 days..Ya!!
So, YOU have been out here reading all of our stories and this has helped you to this day..Ya! Again!

I had to laugh about the Laundry thing. I always had that Compulsive Behaviors to get things done all around me, from the inside of the house, to the outside and work. That is why for many, many yrs my DOC was anything that would get me going like the energized bunny. lol  When I first got my taste of a opiate, that was it, I could not walk away. I went up to the Methadone's that were prescribed, to buying Adderral off the streets and snorting them together. I do not have ADHD, so it would really get me wired up. Took that Benzo at night to come down. This has been over 3 yrs now and I still remember those Spun days. EVERYTHING had to be done right now or like Yesterday. Anyway, when I first got clean, I would look at ALL my work and just could not do it anymore without that synthetic energy. I would see that the Laundry was still in the dryer and tell myself that it was a good thing. The trash would be on the front pouch, ready to be taken to the garage..still I thought that was a good thing. It took many, many months to Stop the insanity of wanting to get everything done NOW!!
That right there was my Biggest Trigger I had to Change. I kept telling myself, if I used to get these things done, I would die and what good would that be. Can not take these things with us. Right?

You are still young and have a great future ahead of YOU. Thank your Lord that you did get out now, before everything turned on you. Your Health, Family and Everything around you is worth living for.
You should be able to find some AA/NA that you can go to without your Family being there. I live in a very small town and we have Tons of meeting throughout the day and evening. This is the key to recovery. We need other ones that are in are same shoes to understand us. You..also should open up to your Parents. I am sure they already know something is up, but they are waiting for you to be open with them. This would take a Big Weight off your shoulders too. Going to them meetings, should Not jeopardize your schooling for the future. What is said there, stays there. I never have any issues out here in my small town and at first I was still nursing too.
Are you taking any good vit/min?? It sounds like you might be, somewhat low on Iron maybe? I am no DR, so I really can not say, but I do know some things about the natural side of life..lol I do wish you the best on this Road to Recovery..Just remember, that the work really starts when we have to work on staying clean. It is no longer a ME thing but a WE thing. Keep it up and do not look back. YOU have your wonderful child to think about too. Maybe even more children to come..Hug!
Bless
Vickie