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Horribly addicted to heroin and oxycontin and trying to stop
I tried to detox a few months ago and even posted on here, but failed miserably. Ive been using for four or 5 yrs now, I am 22 and have been wanting to stop for a while but the morning sickness i get from withdrawal has been so horrendous lately that I cant even make it through one day without. Ive never had detoxes like this, i cant even explain the pain. I have been using a lot lately, maybe 400mg of oxycontin and then add in the heroin and it just is killing me. I am so miserable lately. I didnt really notice it til a few weeks ago, but i know i am not hte person i once was. I am so depressed all day, i dont want to do anything, i isolate from all the people who care about me, my thoughts are so impulsive, i am literally self destructing and bringing everything down around me. school, friends, family, money, love, excitement those are all foreign things that i have sacrificed for my "high" . If i am not high i am painfully sick, and i am stuck. and i hate this. i want to change, but dont no if i will ever be able to. I can see things getting so worse lately. I am 22 yrs old and often think that i am going to die soon, if i dont overdose maybe something else will happen but i just feel it lately. i am going down a dark road, 4 yrs ago if youd shown me a picture now of my life i would have laughed and thought you were crazy. i dont know how things became like this but i cant imagine letting this go on for another 5 yrs, and yet i know that it will if i dont die or make a drastic change. the next 4 yrs will go by like these 4 yrs and ill be in a miserable drug haze. its like no matter wat i am miserable but at least when i am high, its manageable, and i cna escape it for a few minutes. And believe me, it didn;t used to be like this, ive never been this kind of person. ive always had an excitement for life, but its gone now. anyways i am sorry to ramble on and on. i will say today is DAY 2, i am in unimaginable pain but i am trying to detox and make a change, because i want so desperately to love life again, and feel, good or bad, but just to feel things, to have relationships with other people, to want to go out and do things, to wake up in the morning and feel rejuvenated and excited for the day not dope sick and deathly, i just want to get some life back in me because i have become vacant and empty and i honestly dnt no how much longer i can go on like this. guess i thought id post if anyone has been here and can say things can change id love to hear it because my outlook is bleak and i have gone far down this road and it is dark and lonely and i want to change more then anything but it just seems like i will always be condemed to this addiction and all that comes with it.
That's okay- what you're feeling is normal (at least my version of "normal') - so go ahead and veg out. That was part of my recovery too. Allowing those bad feelings is okay. Good or bad feelings - better than to be numb.
I say this a lot but life DESERVES to be felt.
I say this a lot but life DESERVES to be felt.
I just remembered you from before. I had often wondered what had happened with you and I had hoped things were going okay. You've been struggling with this for so long. I'm just wondering, and hope you don't mind me asking, but the last time you were on here you never mentioned heroin. The issue was just the oxy. Is the heroin a new addition since you were on here?
Okay, so you do have a pretty large oxy habit. How bad was the heroin habit? If I remember correctly from the last time, you don't really have any family support, is that right? Is that still the case? I really think, if you don't have any real support, that you should consider an inpatient detox. If you're able to do that, you'll have support 24/7 while you're going through withdrawals. They'll give you things to make the withdrawal a little more comfortable. And they'll set up some aftercare for you. It would be great if you could do an inpatient aftercare program.
I'm worried about you going through this alone. You're very young and it breaks my heart you can't go to your parents with this for their help. If you're not able or don't want to do an inpatient detox, do you have a family doctor? If you do, I think if you went to him/her and explained what's going on they would give you some support. I know they'd probably give you something to help with the withdrawals, maybe some Clonidine or whatever they think is best.
In the meantime, keep well hydrated. I think you know what you need to do since you've been through it before. Plenty of fluids and food as you can tolerate. Do you have a friend that can stay with you? They'd be able to help you through this and keep you a bit distracted.
For right not, just stay in the moment. Remember you can get through this and there's a lot of people here who will support you. I just feel like you need some support in real life. But also remember, you are not going through this alone. Remember the Footprints poem I sent you the last time? It's through these very difficult times that God is with you and carrying you. It may not feel like that right now, but when you get through this and look back, you'll realize He was there with you. Ask for strength and healing. Even though you don't have family around you, remember that you are HIS precious child and He wants you to live the life you deserve. Life is a gift. You may not be feeling like that right now but it is. Think of all the cancer patients and what they're going through ... young kids, young moms and dads with kids ... they go through brutal treatments in order to live. In some ways, you're fighting the same kind of battle. You are also fighting for your life.
You have an amazing future ahead of you ... college (if you haven't finished,) traveling, a family. If life doesn't feel great at the moment, think of the future and what it holds for you. Think of the dreams you had before you got caught up in this. Those dreams are still there and still attainable. You're a very smart young woman. Take the advice from here of those who've gone through it ... the ones who have had a lot of clean time. They didn't do it alone. You have to have some kind of aftercare. Just think about it. I'm sure you're too sick to act on it right at the moment but as soon as you're feeling a bit better, please look into it.
Get the things you need to feel better: lots of fluids, some easy food to eat, the Hylands Restful Legs, some Valerian Root for anxiety (it works great; I've tried it!) Get some Melatonin or Alteril for help with sleep. You can do this and you have a lot of people cheering you on!!
Okay, so you do have a pretty large oxy habit. How bad was the heroin habit? If I remember correctly from the last time, you don't really have any family support, is that right? Is that still the case? I really think, if you don't have any real support, that you should consider an inpatient detox. If you're able to do that, you'll have support 24/7 while you're going through withdrawals. They'll give you things to make the withdrawal a little more comfortable. And they'll set up some aftercare for you. It would be great if you could do an inpatient aftercare program.
I'm worried about you going through this alone. You're very young and it breaks my heart you can't go to your parents with this for their help. If you're not able or don't want to do an inpatient detox, do you have a family doctor? If you do, I think if you went to him/her and explained what's going on they would give you some support. I know they'd probably give you something to help with the withdrawals, maybe some Clonidine or whatever they think is best.
In the meantime, keep well hydrated. I think you know what you need to do since you've been through it before. Plenty of fluids and food as you can tolerate. Do you have a friend that can stay with you? They'd be able to help you through this and keep you a bit distracted.
For right not, just stay in the moment. Remember you can get through this and there's a lot of people here who will support you. I just feel like you need some support in real life. But also remember, you are not going through this alone. Remember the Footprints poem I sent you the last time? It's through these very difficult times that God is with you and carrying you. It may not feel like that right now, but when you get through this and look back, you'll realize He was there with you. Ask for strength and healing. Even though you don't have family around you, remember that you are HIS precious child and He wants you to live the life you deserve. Life is a gift. You may not be feeling like that right now but it is. Think of all the cancer patients and what they're going through ... young kids, young moms and dads with kids ... they go through brutal treatments in order to live. In some ways, you're fighting the same kind of battle. You are also fighting for your life.
You have an amazing future ahead of you ... college (if you haven't finished,) traveling, a family. If life doesn't feel great at the moment, think of the future and what it holds for you. Think of the dreams you had before you got caught up in this. Those dreams are still there and still attainable. You're a very smart young woman. Take the advice from here of those who've gone through it ... the ones who have had a lot of clean time. They didn't do it alone. You have to have some kind of aftercare. Just think about it. I'm sure you're too sick to act on it right at the moment but as soon as you're feeling a bit better, please look into it.
Get the things you need to feel better: lots of fluids, some easy food to eat, the Hylands Restful Legs, some Valerian Root for anxiety (it works great; I've tried it!) Get some Melatonin or Alteril for help with sleep. You can do this and you have a lot of people cheering you on!!
Ugh, we know what you are going through. I don't want to be redundant, but I wanted to say you sound intelligent, and better than that, you're WISE enough to KNOW you need to get better. It may not FEEL like it's getting better, but it is and it WILL.
In addition to what I skimmed from the others, can you exercise at all? I don't mean you will want to today or this week, but are you limited physically or can you get on a treadmill, or take a walk outside? I'd say exercise even outweighs nutrition, but they both are vital to your healing.
If you have any pills or a stash or a connect, get rid of those. Otherwise it's too easy to stay on this hellish ride.
Be encouraged. Praying for you. David
In addition to what I skimmed from the others, can you exercise at all? I don't mean you will want to today or this week, but are you limited physically or can you get on a treadmill, or take a walk outside? I'd say exercise even outweighs nutrition, but they both are vital to your healing.
If you have any pills or a stash or a connect, get rid of those. Otherwise it's too easy to stay on this hellish ride.
Be encouraged. Praying for you. David
thanks for all responses. i cant write bak much rite now because my mind is scrambled and in major pain and i can barely type. just checkin in i guess if anyone cares. but yes mellie i am doing this on my own for now, i have frinds that come and check on me,but mostly on my own, thank u for the footprints poem i like that.
and yes i can exciercise but no way now. unless u count getting up and crawling to the bathroom to vomit and then gripping the bathroom counter and trying to pull my hollow body up as a new form of excercise then no not happenin here. but if i ever get passt this, and id be shocked if i did, then id consider excerise, if things ever get better than this, then id probably consider doing anythign
sorry to be the biggest downer.
and yes i can exciercise but no way now. unless u count getting up and crawling to the bathroom to vomit and then gripping the bathroom counter and trying to pull my hollow body up as a new form of excercise then no not happenin here. but if i ever get passt this, and id be shocked if i did, then id consider excerise, if things ever get better than this, then id probably consider doing anythign
sorry to be the biggest downer.
HEY DUDE HOW YOU DOING??? you got another day behind you keep it up and this will be over b/4 you know it I know its a drag now and life s u c k s but in a few days it will be over and you will be free something you havent seen in a long time no more dope no more needles free of all that crap where all pulling for you dont give in and what ever you do dont use to ez the pain your doing great good luck and God bless......Gnarly
I cant offer you any advice. I've never been addicted to opiates so it's not the best place for me to offer any....but i AM an addict and i've been where you are. You need help to get through it.
Your post got to me...i remember feeling the way you do. Its one of my strongest memories of childhood. I remember leaving myself notes everywhere at 10 years old telling myself not fo take so many pills.
I hope you find your way. It CAN be done. Its terribly hard, but you can do it.
Your post got to me...i remember feeling the way you do. Its one of my strongest memories of childhood. I remember leaving myself notes everywhere at 10 years old telling myself not fo take so many pills.
I hope you find your way. It CAN be done. Its terribly hard, but you can do it.
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