5 days in!!!!!!!!

[firefighter829]

Well first I would like to apologize to everyone about just relapsing and letting it get the best of me after 19 days clean!You know my story far as my back surgery and my sisters death and fathers death.I am 5 days clean now and not turning back again!!!I am seeing a thearipist for my problem and just being able to talk to someone i think will help me in staying true to myself.Let me tell u what happened and the reason I am not taking another percocet again!!!First my story and how I got hooked on this shttttt!!!!!!This is a little bit about me.I am a 17 year firefighter full time and im 38 years old.Im a adreniline junkie and I always have to push the evvelope always,it seems!!I I am married to a beautiful women for 14 years now and have a beautiful 3 year old baby boy that is awsome in my life.I had to have a L5-S1 SPINAL FUSION DONE 2 years ago on my back after hurricane katrina and my back was screwed up all that lifting wasnt good for the back but we were under alot of pressure back in 2005,u just worked ur *** off and thats all u did!!But thats a whole new ball of wax.My surgery was a success and I was off from work for 4 months and was on a whole lot of pain meds plus a fentaol patch was on me constant!!I went through full blown withdrawls after going back to work trying and thinking that I could just stop taking like a normal person ,but I thought that I was going to die and put my head through a wall,it was awful!I went back to work and its real easy to get percocet at the fire station from people and I just continued taking them and enjoyed the energy it gave me and blocking out the griev and pain from the loss of my dad at the age of 51 years old!!It just masked the pain but for 2 years I have been on and off this roller coaster and then my sister died from a accidental overdose one night and had a allergic reaction to some meds and went to sleep that night and never woke up a healthy 39 year old and left 3 beautiful kids!!So these pills i thought would just keep me from dealing with everything but i lied to my wife and mom and brother and they just are the devil!!!!!!I and How I got caught and I really think it was a god send for it to wake me up was over a 25 dollar blue cross blue shield prescription for my son that they misfiled and they faxed all of my information and my sons drug prescriptions to her office and she seen everything.She told me to pack my sht and leave and look what I did!Its the worst kick in the guts I have ever felt!!My beautiful family over some damm pills.I asked myself whats more important pills or my life and family!!!I have been clean now for 5 days and feel mentally good but no energy and I will not go backwards again and I ough it to myself and family to get my life back to my old self the man my wife married and salvage this marriage!!I will be meeting with my therapist andd telling my mother about coming clean and no more liesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!I will beat this sht!!!Thank u for all of yalls support !Its going to be a fight but I will conquer this demon!!!

[Radiostar55]

First of all, thanks for what you do for all of us.  Your addiction started different than mine.  You had sugery, i started taking oxy's for recreation to feel better. I guess I'm depressed and need to figure out why.  I'm 55 years old, family 6 kids between my wife and myself.  I smoked pot for 35 years both of my wives hated it but I didn't care. A friend (sic) sold me pot and said he takes oxy for back pain and first sold me some over 2 years ago.  I was getting 50 60 mg every three weeks plus 75 soma muscle relaxers..I could have od' I was taking 3 a night to sleep.  I want my life back!!!!!!  I told my wife Monday at 5pm  boy was she Pissed...my Doc prescride Diaazpine it has helped some so far 42 hours without any oxy..Last night was hell  My body and mind scream for "Just one hit"  Yawning running nose.  I took 3 baths yesterday seem to help..I couldn;t sleep at all last night..Like I was wired all night. I'm lucky I have a Voice Busines that I work out of my house..My clients would fire me if they knew.  Try the Thomas recipe  Klonpin Vitamins and lots of warm baths..Lucky so far no diahraa and legs cramps. I would like someone to sponser me and give me guidnce.  I am also getting shrivers and sneezing alot. I an sorry for the spelling mistakes. i JUST TOOK MY DIAAPINE  hELP!

[dominosarah]

Focus on getting better for you first and the rest will fall into place.  She is entitled to feel the hurt of the lies.  Like i said our actions speak louder than words.  This is all a time thing so be patient.  Good things happen when we are clean.

Congrats on 5 days!!!!!           sara

[firefighter829]

Think you sweetheart I just hope that I can make this up to my family and it just kills me to hurt her and because of my actions!!But I knew when she requeted that information it was over for me but it happened for a reason or I would still be using.Thank u for your great support and I will not look back!I want the old me back so bad I just hope that i can make it up to her!

[dominosarah]

Welcome back firefighter!!  Sounds like you are finally doing something different this time.  Glad to hear you are seeing a therapist.  That will help a ton as we need to find out why we numbed ourselves up.  Give your marriage some time to heal.  Actions speak louder than words.  Getting honest is the best thing you could of done as this secret keeps us sick.  Stick around here now.......sara