I am back, and at my absolute lowest point.

[LoveMyKids1]

I haven't posted in monthes bc of course I have relapsed and been binging. I am a working mother of 4 kids, wonderful husband.  I used to post quite often and was previously taking Percs as my DOC prescribed monthly from my "wonderful" pain management clinic and previously taking any opiates I could get my hands on- as we know, an addict isn't picky.  I felt like the clinic was becoming skeptical and keeping an eye on me for becoming addicted SO, the manipulative addict in me goes to my next appt and says "I think the percs are just too strong for me, I do need some relief but that is a bit much".  In my mind, this would gain the confidence of the PA (bc in those clinics u almost never see a real dr. the only time i did is when they up'd me from hydros to percs) and of course they fell for it. They took me off 10/325 Percs to 10/325 Norco......... and I've been on that since Nov.  Of course, after running out of my script for the month in 10days, I would then get what i needed from the streets.  
I am sharing this because I think if I don't put this embarassment in print, I will never stop this rediculous cycle and end up dead.  I lost both of my parents as a teenager, and the aunt that stood in as my mother figure has been battling stage 4 cancer for the last 4yrs.  Over the past few months she has been doing her normal chemo regiment, and we have become closer and closer.  One day while i was over there she handed me this brown bag and just said take this.  I'm thinking its soup or something else an aunt would give her niece.  Its known in my family that "I have a known back issue and its hard for me to care for the kids etc...".  Well, I get home and its her filled script of hydro's!  I call her as soon as I see what it is and she says "honey, i cant take that stuff, you know its not strong enough for me, i thought maybe this would save you some money etc...."   After hanging up w/ her, i sat in my truck and just BAWLED bc I knew I had no intention of turning this down from my DYING AUNT WHO IS IN REAL PAIN.  (I sound like such a selfish *** just typing this).  So then as time goes on, I realize she has 2refills on the bottle and of course auntie had no problem filling them for me. Remind you, this was on top of my normal scripts.  Finally, the monday before last, I was sitting visiting w/ her and she hands me another bag as she sat there in horrendous pain bc at that time we did not know the cancer was eating away at her pelvic bone and had an appt in the morning.  The next day (Tues) she goes into Karmano's cancer institute, Weds, we signed her in for Hospice care and Thurs she dies.  
Over the last 10days I have binged on about 400 pills, trying to mask what i was feeling for her becoming increasingly ill and the end coming.  I was high when she died, I was high at the funeral and now I am detoxing and I CANNOT believe that the ONLY mother figure I had in my life is now GONE and I was too high to deal with it- now it feels unbearable.  I am out of pills, I need to be DONE with them and now I am detoxing while realizing at the same time that she's dead and I don't have her in my life anymore AND i manipulated her to get some DAMN PILLS!!!???    How low is that???  Right now, I am just so ashamed of myself and this detox feels 100x worse than even when I would w/d from the percs (and you know how bad those are).  I am truly at a loss for words for myself, and my soul.  I just feel at my absolute lowest right now and am disgusted w/ myself.

[newgirl286]

I am sorry for your loss and I understand.  I have been using for about 5 years but over the last year I became my 90 year old grandmother's primary caregiver and increased my usage to help me get through the emotional part.  People were amazed at my ability to handle everything that came with her dying of kidney cancer within the first year of her diagnosis and she hated taking pills.  She wouldn't even take her daily meds daily let alone pain meds.  She kept on the tylenol arthritis till she had moved into constant care and then only darvocets.  Of course her usage increased with her pain and growing cancer.  I kept one of her scripts for vikes because she had at the time got a new doctor anyways, that script only had one refill but I drove all the way to her old pharmacy to act like I was picking it up for her.  I never really stole anything but used heavily during the end...  And she was so far gone, she didn't know...  She passed in august and here I am.  I haven't worked since she passed and barely getting by.  The first week i quit I prayed to her and felt stronger when I remembered her strength in life, living 90 years not addicted to anything but mostly raw meat.  She was so strong that I look to her strength to get through this hard time cause she is with me everyday and she didn't need a pill to handle the great challenges in her life.  I think the first week was  more emotional due to the fact I had not dealt with her passing without help from my happy pills, it hurt.  Now I am dealing with guilt for the people who are living, guilt for being high for so long at my best friends wedding, etc...  I just feel that I missed out on part of life for all that time.  I was holding back...  I think you are doing a great thing for quitting such a big habit and at such an emotional time in your life.  I wish I would've done it sooner and maybe I could've prevented me getting so stuck in this point in my life....  
Good luck!

[heather_r]

Also I am sorry for your loss. Guilt is such a hard emotion to have but work on forgiving yourself. We all have done terrible things to get our DOC. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

[Beth105]

I feel for you, I am so sorry life has to be so painful for people. You have taken the first step and that is a good thing! You are a good person, God loves you and prayer is a powerful tool in recovery. Keep posing here the people are awesome, it's nice to know you are not alone. Take care of yourself, you can do it.    -Beth

[sickntired08]

hey...stop beating yourself up.

I have sat here this morning and cried for every thing I did wrong, and for my sister who died 5 years ago, and for the horrible mother I feel I have been...and do you know what that is doing FOR me?? Not a darn thing. We are ADDICTS...we do WHATEVER it takes to get high...and then we run out, or fool the MD, or whatever, and we realize what jerks we were....then we do it again.

Until we say NO MORE!

You are going to get through this...I promise you this: the good days will come more than the bad days do...you just have to get through this grief, feel the pain...that's why we use, right? To NOT feel...so EVERYTHING is intensified at the moment, and you are living in reality. And it bites. You can do this! You already made the first and hardest step...you admitted you are powerless over drugs...

good job!

[CR_ST_NA]

ok, i don't usually share this with people right off the bat, but i will tell you a little of my story. i started taking hydro's seven years ago for back pain and for a surgery i had that took forever to heal. i got so addicted that i ended up with a tolerance of 20-25 7.5's a day. now i have never stolen anything in my life, i mean when i was a single mom we would go without food sometimes we were so poor and i never stole, but the disease of addiction made me do things completely against my character. long story short i ended up stealing pills from a close friend and then denied it when she found out, she never forgave me, moved out of town and i haven't heard from her since. then i stole pills from a good friend that also has cancer, she found out and was graciously understanding, relapsed again and ended up taking pills (perc's) from my own pastor. that round ended me up in rehab, leaving my three children home for six weeks with my poor husband. im only telling you these things because it helps me to know that other people have done things in their addiction totally against their character. i just want you to know you are not alone. we just have to fight this disease one day at a time. i hope this helps. take care, get rest, lots of fluids and lots of prayer. you can do it. god bless, christina

[10356]

I'm so very sorry to read of the loss of your Dear Aunt.. Please do not beat yourself up over this.. as cathy said that is what addicts do.. we can not change the past but we can change today and the future.  Please keep in mind you have suffered a grievous loss.. You are detoxing.. emotions coupled with anxiety can cause some major depression.. Do you have a Dr. you can see.. Friends or family that is around too help.. I hope so.. Please try to be kind to yourself.. eat. and stay hydrated.. love your children with all your might.. and look forward too the day when you look at them with a clear mind and a free body... warmly lesa

[AlessandrasMom]

First of all, I am VERY sorry for your loss.  I have relapsed many, many times.  Most recently, long story very short -  I had been taking my husband's Norco's for the last month after I jumped off Suboxone at 8mgs. and he was the one that needed them due to having a lumbar fusion in October.
He still needs the pills, but I had been taking them and this Saturday, I took 30 of them, leaving him almost none.  I hit my rock bottom at that point.  I was tired of living from pill to pill, tired of having to pop 6 to get up in the morning, ashamed that I left somebody I loved in pain, and so on.
I guess my point is, is that you can do this.  Make your Aunt proud, as she is still here, in spirit.  I am on day 3, and while it is very hard, it is very do-able.  Dig DEEP, find that strength, and take it minute by minute.  You have to stop beating yourself up now though, we are all addicts here that have done some very bad things to get pills.  I spent $780.00 on pills in 5 days last week, husband is unemployed, just hit bottom for me.  That was it.  We are all here for you, and you just have to have faith, and realize that you are already forgiven, if you take the steps to quit now.

[refusingbondage]

I am so so sorry for what you are going through.  But the above posts are right - do not be so hard on yourself and let go of the guilt.. Carrying that guilt and that bad image of yourself around will just become another reason to use.. Forgive yourself -your aunt loved you and looked out for you and I am sure she never held anything against you and I am sure she would have forgiven you in a second.  Korley is right - God forgives if you ask - and if He can, then you can.  You have to pick yourself up and love yourself and move on.  Detox is hard but you will make it through - there is a light at the end of the tunnel, try to hang in there.  Best of luck!

[Dezdon]

Sweetie, you need to fogive yourself for this. You surely cannot carry around that heavy of a quilt trip without it eating at your very soul. Thats the kinda stuff that will make you relapse over and over.  If you have to, go to a priest, confession, something so you know in your heart you are forgiven. Work the 4th and 5th step of the 12 steps with someone.
  You didnt do this behavior, the other you thats a drug addict did it. You would have never done such a thing and you know it. Be good to yourself. Hang more at the forum while your detoxing and getting in some clean time.  Were here to help if we can.
-Dez

[Korley]

I am truly sorry for your loss! You know we are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else. I am sure if your aunt were here and you were to tell her what you did and she saw how upset you are, she would forgive you. God says that all we need to do is ask for forgiveness, and it is granted, it is just harder to forgive ourselves. Shame and guilt don't do us any good. You have got to let go of this right now, ask God for forgiveness and move on. You are also feeling so bad b/c you are detoxing, please just stay clean one day at a time, and know that you can do this. I have faith in you, and you will be in my prayers. Remember, forgive yourself! If you are going to continue to beat yourself up, at least use a feather!

[cathy5841]

dont be so hard on yourself...thats what addicts do.  i could tell you some really terribly things i have done in active addiction, but i wont.  you have to move on.  make your aunt proud by stopping now.  this is not easy and takes total determination.  you can do this...maybe you should a therapists to help you deal with the death of your aunt and your addiction issues.  you need to find out why you use and deal with it.  keep posting we are here to help you through this.