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I am back the new relapse queen
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I am back the new relapse queen

Not gonna go into detail so of you may know me. Ii was clean for over a year and all it took was 1 time. Well here I am a year later worse off than ever. With that said I woke up one day an realized how bad I was screwing my life up, affecting my family and etc. Not to mention the fact that I am lucky I am not in jail. So I took the plunge and dove in again. I am at the end of day 2 and all has been pretty much as expected.
The difference this time... I told everyone. My whole family. My family, well I like to say thick as Theives. With that said I am FORCING my self to eat and FORCING exercise. You get out of it what you put in right?!! I have 2 little girls and a family that is my world and I know if it don't stop I will die. Crazy thing is I wasn't raised this way and I know better. I have everything in the world yet I have nothing:(... What I do feel right now is no more guilt and no more feeling like I am living a lie. But man it sure does suck. I am fighting for my life here. Anyways, I am going in with a different approach and really just wanted to get back established here. The time I quit for a year I swear I could not have done it without this forum... Just looking for more support
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Avatar_f_tn
Congrats! I relapsed as well with 3 weeks off Vic's but was taking morphine so it really didn't count. I'm getting ready for my quit day and scared as hell. What I have come to finally realize is that I'm a a drug addict. I like you never thought this could ever happen to me. The drugs cover up what is really going on inside of us and until we deal with those issues, there is always a chance of a relapse. Hang in there!!! You are giving me hope. Thank God we found this forum.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the comment. I just want to get it all over with. I am detoxing at home as a stay at home mom with 2 little girls.. Talk about rough. BUT I Did it before so i know I can do it again, this time I will not give up... I know there is no other option. Bless you!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you and bless you! My quit date is in one week. We can fo this, stop living a lie and stop spending lots of money.
I'm going to attend meetings and post like crazy everyday.
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Avatar_f_tn
Good for you, keep me posted, I am sure I will need lots of support too. My day 2 is almost down and I am looking forward to going to bed as soon as I can. Keep posting
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Avatar_f_tn
One foot in front of the other....... I just keep repeating it
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Avatar_f_tn

Awesome that you are doing this! You can do this! I have relapsed so many freakin times in the past 3 years there is no way for me to keep count!!! You would think since every relapse seems to be worse and the wds are living hell I would learn!! Ugh! Such a drug addict I am!

You are doing so great and day 2 is definitely almost over! I had 50 days under my belt and slipped up last week while at my parents house vacationing :( ...Anyway thats water under the bridge and I would like to look at it as just a slip up because I caught myself RIGHT AWAY and said no way I am not doing this freakin yet again. I to have a little girl and have gone through the wds everytime watching her :( Which is so hard. So hats off to you!! You are a rockstar and doing it. And in no time will be felling better and better and better. Aftercare is what everyone says I am still working on mine ( actually looking forward to it) Keep truding forward you got this! And like you I realized this last time shoot I am lucky to be alive!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow thanks, I needed that boost. It's like one minute I am fine then boom feeling icky again and so on and so on. You will do great because you were clean for so long before your "slip" and yes a slip only. Thanks for the encouraging post, can wait to just go to sleep tonight and have the whole day over
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Avatar_f_tn
hi i was just wondering since youve deen clean befor can you tell me when you finally get off meth and get over all the withdrawls do you go back to being the same person as you were when you were on it or somebody totally different???
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Avatar_f_tn
hi i was just wondering since youve deen clean befor can you tell me when you finally get off meth and get over all the withdrawls do you go back to being the same person as you were when you were on it or somebody totally different???
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Avatar_f_tn
Sorry, I have been addicted to lortab, but in my situation, the answer to your question is... I was a better person, happier than I ever had been, made good decisions and overall a "better person".. I hope that gives u some inspiration. I am sure someone w experience w your doc will come along and give you better insight. Whatever the addiction may be..... You CAN beat it if you want to bad enough!!
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks for your fast reply! its not me coming off it its actually my boyfriend the problem is im totally clueless to how bad it actually gets at the moment the psychological withdrawls seems to be the worst part hes been on 3mgs for the last two days and is coming off it completly tomorrow and im Terrified!!! As it is i dont know who he is hes become somebody totally different to the man i know and love over the past two weeks while tapering down and i was just anxious to know what way he would be when he finally gets free from this horrible stuff. i guess i wanted to know "will i get him back"
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Avatar_f_tn
If you truly love him stick by his side no matter how bad it gets. But I would prepare for the worst in the coming days. What you need to remember is that us addicts are not ourselves while on drugs, it is when we are clean, we are ourselves. I won't lie, it will be tough. One of(in my opinion) is the worst thing anyone in the world can go through is detox. He will be sick and moody. If you love him, stick by his side. What we all need the most when going through something like this is someone there by our side to support us and love us.
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand how hard it must be (i cant even quit cigerettes) i do love him very much, i didnt really want to go into this because i know this isnt a relationship site but all along i told him id stand by him through it all and he said thats what he wanted and we were planning our future for when he gets clean and today totally out of the blue he tells me he cant do it anymore and that i need to forget about him... i know hes been terribley depressed over the last week in particular and guilt ridden but my problem is i cant just walk away but hes made it quite clear he doesnt want to hear from me, and i dont know if thats him talking or the withdrawals im just so lost and confused....
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im so sorry i dont know why i just poured my heart out in that last message, but ive nobody i can talk to about any of this because despite beeing the nicest guy in the world (even on meth) my family would totally disaprove  if they knew what exactly was going on.. again my appoligies
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Avatar_f_tn
I would stay(from personal experience) he wants and needs to be alone. From knowing that feeling it may be best to give him that time, and yes it is this horrible sickness talking. If he stays on the path of being clean he will come around. Trust me I know how it feels to not want to be around anyone, and I have 2 children!!!!! It really is at times what us addicts need. You probably don't want to hear that but I am sorry it's the truth. 3-4 days and he will start feeling a bit better. Sadly for you, he probably does need this. Tomorrow is another day. Sorry for you that you have to go through this.... Addiction affects everyone involved. Give him the time he needs for himself and he will come around
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Avatar_f_tn
Never a need to apologize here
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Im willing to wait as long as it takes much and all as i want to be there for him through this if thats what he needs then im ok with it, just have to keep hopeing  i get him back!
Thank you so much for your help and advise youve no idea how much i truely appriciate it thank you so much and i wish you all the best with your own detox i think anyone brave enough to try reclaim there lives back from any addiction are incredibly brave and your showing your two children how strong you are! All the best and thank you once again ..
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Avatar_f_tn
are you the one and the same as the lady waiting for april 15 tax deadline???  
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1795870_tn?1315539297
I have been clean off meth for the past decade. I was as bad as it gets on that drug, 90lbs soaking wet and 5'9. I was not that pretty. I just got over bladder cancer, found out I have an incurable thyroid disorder and am bloody addicted to my pain pills. And, a bit of valium on top of that. I have been to rehab. Hell, I have worked at rehabs. Now here I am as unsuspecting as any retard may have been about opiates, not my drug of choice BTW. It is the physical withdrawl (withdrawal) that is killing me, I have watched this but never kicked the opiate demon. Meth was just sleeping and eating for about a week, no real physical pain involved. Well, this is different, very painful. I take about 300 pills a month of norco, and 60 valium which are gone in the last week of every month. That week is over with. Now I can start the real pain. I have 15 hours and a **** load of pain left in store. How exactly am I going to pull this off, I have no clue. Raw determination I guess. I have about 10 norco in my possesion. I know it is unconvetional beating Satan with His demon in your hand, but somehow it is giving me solice right now. I have no reservations. I got "hooked" unsuspectingly. I just did not believe it possible that "I" could ever be so addlbrained as to actually develope a physical addiction. I used the drug for the right reasons. I guess I am human, I refuse to berate myself further, as I know that in order for me to really quit and it work, I must be real, honesty must be of the highest importance right now. Never doubt the power of any drug that is what I have learned. I am here for help. An invisable ear to listen to me. Someone who relates. I do not want to die and anyone who takes these many pills a month is in danger. I must overcome this. Together "we" can!
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Avatar_f_tn
Sadly yes
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I only made it 20 hours and was in such pain I believed it would kill me. I must find a new approach. Cold turkey is not going to work. Any idea's of meds that would help not hinder the process. I was so anxiety filled I was crawling out of my skin.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh I am sorry, most wouldn't reccomed it but I would say to take a benzo.... Short term.... Only as needed!!! It will take the edge off but you have to start coming off of it as soon as your wd's subside otherwise your taking a chance of becoming addicted to something else.
Exercise will get that anxiety out as well even if you have to force it. Hang in there, you can do this!!!
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Hi and welcome back.  Congrats on your clean time!  I am glad to hear you told your family.  You know our secrets keep us sick.  Have you spoken with your doctor about this yet?  I am sure you know what i am going to ask next here, any aftercare plans??    sara
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Hi Sarah I was waiting to hear from you. The answer is yes and yes!!! Throughout the months yours words were constantly ringing in my ear.... The only ending to using is death... So many things are different now an I don't care what I have to go through. Makes a huge difference to come clean to everyone as well, don't live with the guilt. I also FORCE myself to exercise and eat... Didn't do that before. Setting small goals and raising the bar daily has made a huge difference as well. Day 4, and I am putting one foot in front of the other, don't feel too bad. Perhaps because I want this more than anything in the world!!!! That's my mind frame
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Oh, also using a 10s unit for the true back pain I have
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495284_tn?1333897642
You sound really good this time!  We can tell people over and over the end results of this addiction but until you really "feel" it usually falls on deaf ears.  Thank God you are feeling it now!!  Dont let anyone or anything stand in your way.  Hold that clean time sacred and make you the No1 priority.  It's okay to be selfish when it comes to this.  Stay in the day and small goals are good as you dont want to overwhelm yourself.  I am really proud of you!!!
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Your words explain it all, everything I feel. Honestly, I am focused on nothing but me now!!
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Oh Sara I wanted to see what your thought are on this... All my prior detox I took immodium ad constantly. This time I decided not to take any!!!! It seems like taking the ammonium was holding that"poison" in, and it made more sense to just get it out:).... Your thoughts?
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495284_tn?1333897642
I didnt take it either, i wanted the toxins out as fast as possible!  I got a ton of exercise in those early days as i was "running" to the can all the time!!  Oh it was brutal!!
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Ha! Thanks Sara, I am walking as we speak... Thanks for all your support. You may not know it but all your words have stuck in my head for months
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Okay forget the relapse queen title I am done!!!!!! Tomorrow will be day 5, do I feel great, no, but positive yes!! Walked around the block a few times today, got on the treadmill and enjoyed some outdoor time. I have had a few" anxious" spells but I catch my self and GET UP and find something... Anything to do and it passes. Tomorrow is a new day and I am as determined and as positive as ever!!!
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so glad to hear your staying positive, go you!!
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY Girl you did this b/4 you can do it again.......like Sarah sase you can never drop your guard regrdless of how much clesn time you got good luck on the rest of your life you WILL BEET THIS THING.........Gnarly
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Hi, I have not been online much and missed your answer to me, I have wondered about you, worried and cared about you. You and I started the last time about the same time and when you dropped off I asked about you but got no answers. I am so glad you are back and don't stop trying. Falling off  doesn't mean you shouldn't try again. Some of us take a few more times than others, keep on keeping on. I see we have not heard from you since the 10th so hope you are doing okay. I don't always post but I read post and old post and it helps me stay with it. I have had 2 operations since I started this last March and I used Vicoden both times for just a short time and then got back off them, I guess you really have to want to do it. The best thing ever said  to me was my son said one day, Mom it is so good to have my old mom back!!!  That is the best thing I have ever heard. Sorry this was so long I am just so glad to see you trying again, please don't give up. good luck and prayers to you. Bethany
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