I am lost, had/have a plan that may not work

[ribs2k]

Hi all,
My dr's plan is to start me on a taper off of the 50 mg oxy's I am supposed to be taking. In the mean time I am abusing them and feel like I was given permission to. I am not sure I have the discipline to follow a taper. It is still a little ways out and I keep thinking I need to do something now. I am going to an AA meeting friday night and I hope that helps give me some perspective and direction. But in the meantime I am turning to my Medhelp people for advice and encouragement. Plus my dealer works with me.
Thanks in advance,
Randy
I haven't ever told you folks much about me, so here it goes. 43 yr old single white straight man. Rock Climbing is,(was) my passion, hiking 14,000 ft peaks,(i live in Colorado so they are in my back yard, I ran the Pikes Peak ascent a couple years ago) I am finishing up treatment for Chronic Lymphocytic Luekemia. I work as an Engineer for an architectural millwork firm,(high end cabinets woodwork etc.). So this is me.

[IBKleen]

As  said all along Randy--throw the pills out. Time for some tough love buddy. You knew when you went to the doctor to get off the Tramadol that you were going to look to get more Oxy. You also knew you would be "stuck" again. Many members here have given you advise and it is always the same. Get off of the merry-go-round. It will not stop until YOU stop it. We talked about your doctor (both of them) being legal dealers and you are aware of that. We talked about your dealer at work and you were given suggestions--strong suggestions--on how to deal with him.

Randy, it is make or break time. YOU need to do the foot work here. All we can do is make suggestions based on what worked for us. You ned to reach in and trust that someone else may have the answer for you if you try it. YOU ned to be in control of this situation or it will never end. You need your life back.

I hope you do some soul searching and make a move in a positive direction---FOR YOU!!!

[Map1944]

Hmmm... Nothing good can come of being in such close proximity with your dealer...
I know that whenever I tried to taper off my doc it never worked.
I think you need to decide if you REALLY want to stop.  When you do I think you may realize that a taper plan may not ever work the way you want...

[ribs2k]

You are right. I am trying to find that strength, and I do know what to do. I am just asking for the support to push me in the right direction. I imagine it is getting redundant me posting here but I am searching my soul to find the motivation to just do it. The craving for a pill woke me up this morning and really scared me, so I just did the first thing I could think of and that was come here. But you are right. I won't post again until I am starting day 1. Thanks for the kick in the butt I deserved it!
Randy

[minn66]

Nooo! Keep posting! We're here to support and help. I couldn't taper either. It takes mega willpower and a lot of people who are successful had someone to dole out the pills. So don't feel bad about that. Get rid of what you have. Maybe start your detox Friday. You should be able to make it though work, then have the weekend for the worst of it, maybe see if you can go ahead and schedule Monday off. Write out your plan and goals. I believe you want this. It's tough, no doubt about it.

I'm rooting for you, hun!

Hugs,
Minn

[ribs2k]

Thanks minn. I agree, i will come up with a plan. but IBKleen is right. Coming here to repeatedly ask for the same advice and knowing what the answer is can be annoying. I will come up with a plan and come back for support once I know I am moving forward. I think I might be able to get through friday as my first day. I will make that decision soon.
Thanks, Much love Randy

[Free2agoodhome]

Taper is not for everyone. I found i couldn't do it.

When you're ready...we are here,,,,



Free~

[minn66]

Perhaps, Randy, yet there is nothing wrong with asking for support. We all came on here knowing what we needed to do. Getting encouragement to do it and continue has definitely helped me and many others.

Love and hugs backatcha!

[IBKleen]

I don't see where I said not to post Randy. Quite the opposite. Keep talking and keep listening. That is what this is all about. Don't read into things that aren't there.

Let us know how you are doing and keep going forward no matter what.

[jc1002]

Randy,

Breaking free is hard.  We are here to help.  Sometimes it takes a jolt from someone to wake us up.  By you posting, you know you want/need to quit.  You just have to be resolved to DO IT.  You keep posting, we will keep responding.  That positive reinforcement might just help you to bite this bullet and free yourself!  This is a very tough process and it takes time.  You know what you have to do.  You just have to convince that foggy brain of yours to do it.  :-)  

Much luck!!
jc

[ribs2k]

You are right. I need the direct honest responses. I am a little oversensative right now in my fog. Thanks for the encouragement. Sorry for misunderstanding ibkleen. And thanks for emailing me with support. I will soon make the jump. As I said before the anxiety part of withdrawals is what scares me. I can handle everything else. Just need to figure out how to cope with that anxiety/depression when it kicks in after the physical part.

[10356]

Hey Randy.. You use to rock climb you have some of the most Beautiful country in your backyard.. how you deal with the anxiety and depression is get yourself out there in Nature it is summer.. Take long walks it will calm you.. The first year clean I camped a lot !! took long drives a lot of walks I do not think if I did not treat my first year so aggressively I would not have made it.. You need to do this for yourself.. You are not going to find the answer in another pill I think you know that and it is a fear.. you need to also come up with a concrete plan for work. you can not continue to work across from your supplier.. and you need to be Honest with your Dr. how much you are taking Our cancel all scripts and as they say Bite the Bullet.. Fear had kept many of us paralyzed and in doing so our life stops. we can not make decisions move forward our back.. I understand as we all do what it is like to straddle the fence.. I know you can do this I know the discipline it takes to climb.. You did not loose that to the cancer you did not loose anything but some time.. now get it behind you and use the tools you already Posses inside you to get clean You can do this Randy I know you can !! sending a big hug with my support.. lesa

[dominosarah]

Randy, you gotta quit playing the victim here.  You are a survivor.  We have told you over and over what needs to be done...it's up to you when you choose to do it.  Have you thought about some one on one counseling?  I think that may help you also.  I too used to protect my dealer too but not anymore....they were selling me drugs that was killing me.  When you pull out all the stops you will do something.  Hopefully you will do that before it is too late.  You are not exempt from what waits for us with this addiction and that is death.  It is up to you, please make the right choice~~sara

[133113]

Randy,

Go back and read some of my posts.  What you will see is a habitual relapser.  I relapse because I choose to relapse, I choose to keep connections or make the phone calls when I am feeling weak, instead of using my support system.  If you tell your doctor you are finished it cuts off one supply, then just need to work on cutting off the work supply.

I can tell you that jumping instead of tapering will make the process much quicker.   The reality is you can keep taking pills, go to rehab or quit on your own.  Those are the only 3 choices we really have.  We are all here because choice 1 is not working for us.

Keep positing, stick around, you will get this, start to have some faith and believe in yourself.

[minn66]

Definitely believe in yourself! You are a survivor! Also, I think the comment above about getting out in nature is an excellent way to relax and get back to doing something you used to enjoy. When I was off work, I went outside every day and watered the plants, weeded, fed the fish, and took walks in the woods. Very soothing. That can be one of your goals... To get back into hiking and rock climbing.

Hugs,
Minn :)

[Fireby29]

Randy, I think it is clear at this point that your not gonna be able to taper.  I sure couldn't either, do not feel bad about it.  You gotta cut the cord and eliminate all supply if your serious about busting out of these chains.  Call you doctor, say no narcs, and ignore your dealer.  I never had to deal with a dealer, so I cannot imagine how tough that may be, but I know many on here have been able to cut off a dealer at work.  It's your only chance man, you gotta make them pills almost impossible to get.  I'm on day 41, and I know that I made it this far in part because I flat can't get pills anymore.  You can do this.

Bryan

[kyle505]

Listen to Bryan...A good summary and personal history. And he's stating the universal recovery truth - "...and I know that I made it this far in part because I flat can't get pills anymore". That is the foundation to getting and staying clean. Thanks Bryan.

[selfinduced]

eli many others lurking. xoW/d, pain/losing a big part of your routine? Depending on your answer is how I would proceed. If you are scared shi-less os w/d after all you have endured, I get that. I'm sure you have mentioned , but missed it. Can your sister hold your pills for a proper taper if w/d is the barrier? If not, what about a 28 day rehab program? YOU my friend are not hopeless, just more honest than most on your strengths and weaknesses. Where do you see yourself in 6 months if continued use? Don't ever stop posting, your words matter and h

[Sonrissa]

Randy! IBKleen, Sara, and others are absolutely right on here! Nothing annoying about it at all! We care about you and it's difficult to see your struggles! Get your head into this and start! You know what to do! You know what you want! It's pretty simple when you think about it! There is support and caring for you! Just do it! I know you can succeed! Have faith and dig deep!

[Pat1956100]

Hey Randy,
I know that you are beating yourself up pretty badly right now and I know and remember how hard it is.  Here's a little quote that has helped me and keeps me trying:
NO MATTER HOW MANY MISTAKES YOU MAKE OR HOW SLOW YOU PROGRESS, YOU ARE STILL WAY AHEAD OF ANYONE WHO ISN'T TRYING.

Big hugs
Pa

[Pat1956100]

That should say

Pat lol

[selfinduced]

Sorry Rib's , not sure what happened to my post. Seemed it got scrambled and spit out....

[Pat1956100]

I thought you were drunk  Just kidding lol

[selfinduced]

Man, I do need to stop that day drinking.....(teasing). If I don't pay attention my words type over each other (on the computer and in real life...ha)