I came clean and got shot down!

[HedHurtz]

I have posted here before as a Fioricet and Adderall addict. I see that some people have read it. Well, I came clean to my husband last night. I wish ANYONE could have been a fly on the wall for this converstaion. It went down like this. First, I must tell you my husband is a DEA agent in Miami, so telling him was definitely rough. I told him that I take too many pills and that I want and need to quit. He said that he already knew, but he though that I seemed fine, taking care of our 3 month old daughter just fine and that other that spending too much money all was JUST FINE. Okay, I said that I'm not fine and I need to go into detox. He absolutely refused to let me go! He said there is no way that I could go, noone could take care of our baby and he could not do it himself. I would have to detox at home. I said, I could try to do it but I will need help. He said...(get this) just stop and take a couple of shot s of Vodka if I get shaky. So here I am, he's at work....I have Vodka and a 3 month old. Thank God I have a few pills left. He took the rest that I didn't have hidden. I cannot beleive this! What the hell am I in for?

[Francoise]

Get yourself some more medication, whatever you know you'll need to get you through until you can get to detox like you know it should be done. HIDE THEM!

Never tell that ******* you're married to another thing. He's not on your side; doesn't understand the problem; and apparently has no respect for you.

I'm so furious about your situation I can hardly sit still. Do whatever you need to do to get your meds back.

I'd better end this before I say more than I should. Let us know how you're doing.

Francoise

[HedHurtz]

Thanks for responding......I thought it was me. Please keep talking to me! I need you all to get thru this

[Jimenez]

Let's not get stupid here. This doesn't necessarily he lacks respect etc. for you. It means that he's like 95%+ of the population (including doctors) and doesn't understand true addiction or true withdrawal (which from barbiturates CAN kill you.) So, you can't go cold turkey here. It's not safe. Print something out on the internet, several things actually, that explain how you can have seizures etc. if you quit cold turkey. Allow the man to have a little bit of sinking in time with this. No one outside of those who actually are addicts and have experienced any sort of withdrawal really know how it is/feels. I told my doctor once upon a time that I wanted off of opiates etc. and asked her to wean me. She of course didn't and said just to "tough it out". Of course, I didn't. I find it unbelievable that medically trained individuals don't have more compassion and/or training. But the layman on the street is even more ignorant of what goes on. Have another talk with him, get your meds back or get more and figure it out. Share with him the depth of your ordeal and the consequences of doing it the way he wants to. It's very aggravating, but what's the alternative?

[Thomas02]

I second Francious -- you ARE married to a typical DEA *******. After all -- that's the only kind of people they hire. They're either butch-hair-cutted fascists and racists, or arch-drug addicts and dealers with badges. There's nothing to look up to in a DEA agent. The whole agency is one big monument to hypocracy and lies. They'd cheerfully send all of us to prison and never give it a second thought.

The best thing you could do for yourself is divorce that *******. Imagine, advising someone addicted to a barbituate to drink Vodka! What Crackerjack box did that advice come out of?

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

You are in an awful situation right now.  This is a case of mental and physical abuse in my opinion.  You are being ordered to drink Vodka and being denied help for your chemical addiction by your husband.  Take the baby and go.  Maybe he'll wake up someday but don't worry about him now.  It's all you from here on out and don't look back until you feel safe, healthy and secure.  I wish my daughter had done this.  We buried her a year ago last February.  Think about you and the baby first and get the hell out of that relationship.  It may kill you!  J.B.

[PS >>>>Annie]

I agree w/ Pat/Tom and JB.  Don't get me even started on the DEA.
Keep us posted.  You are not alone.

Annie

[cindi]

I did send in a post for you but for some reason or another it wouldn't go through....I agree with all of the others, Let me get this right...your DEA husband would not LET you go for help?  Not in this lifetime would anyone tell me I could not go and get help for myself, as moms we tend to put our children first, in this case you need to put yourself first or your child may not end up with a mom, is there anyone you can confide it and that would take care of your baby for a few days?  if so then do that, if not then you need to pack a bag and tell mr. Miami Vice that you are going for help and let that be your last words....then you go...you need to take care of you and the baby, he can take care of himself...and there is no reason he cannot take care of a baby for a few damn days, it won't kill him this may kill you...go for it, do what you have to do and good luck     cindi

[Brighty]

I will be the first to admit that before I understood addiction I may have behaved like your husband.... I was truly clueless and figured that anyone could stop if they wanted to.... I had never lived with addiction nor seen it close up... it was simply ignorance. It's somewhat difficult, however, to believe that someone working for the DEA would not be at least educated... but again their purpose is to criminilize a segment of our humanity... all for profit... your husband gets his bread and butter from this agency and likely is brainwashed by them... he may very well be in his own denial and feeling fear and shame about your situation... Gee, I'm a nice lady to be so easy on him.)Forget his control issues and take action... call your mom or mom in law or someone you trust and arrange child care.. and be SURE to tell him so he does not have some action against you.. it's his child too and he has the right to know where your baby will be.. .then call your insurance company... surely his employer offers this... and GO to treatment. There is another twist to this... perhaps your husband feels that if you go to treatment (detox and rehab) that the DEA will know via insurance records ( supposedly confidential but not really true) and he will somehow be investigated... it's not all that far out to think this way.... maybe that's his problem. In any case.... take care of yourself... how can you raise a baby with this looming problem not addressed ??? I will pray but please help yourself.  Love, Brighty

[pelle1985]

I have to agree with Annie here.  Your recovery (and quite possibly your life) depend on your getting help immediately.  If your husband does not want to help you, you must leave him behind and get on with your life.  I know I sound cold here, but the fact that you have such a serious problem and a spouse who either does not understand or does not care (or cares about how your rehab will affect *him* and his career. . .has anyone thought about that, folks?) merits you doing what you need to do to quite literally survive.  As for your child, who will suffer either from your addiction or your separation, you need to consider the fact that children repeat what they see at home.  Your decision to recover will be as closely observed by your child as your decision to continue to use.  They may not see everything at three, but kids are among the most intuitive creatures on the planet, and one way or another they will know what their parents are doing, for good or ill, and will be helpless in their repetition later in life.  Please consider all I and the others here have said, and if you wish, I will give you my personal email if you need anything further.

Peace,
Pelle

[cindi]

Hi Brighty,  you amaze me,  you know the more I think back I believe that is how my parents were before i went into treatment, they were really clueless, but the advice you gave to her about letting her husband know where the baby is was soooo right,,,You my dear think of everything....love to all  cindi

[Francoise]

With all due respect, "printing something out from the Internet" will likely not achieve the end contemplated. Principally, this is because it is a logical, rational, reasonable approach to what is apparently an emotional situation with Mr. Miami Vice involving this job, his peers, his agency, his self-image and god knows what else. Why else would a husband treat his wife, who he knows to be in trouble, in such a shabby fashion?

People cannot be convinced against their will, no matter how much logical, rational information is presented. Ever try to convince the Jehovah's Witness at your door thay they are on the wrong track? It's an emotional thing with them, no matter how rational they think they are. Same with Mr. Miami Vice.

Put the baby with a safe person like your mother-in-law, your mother, somebody, anybody and - as suggested - tell your husband where the child is. You need to focus 100% of your efforts and your energy on yourself. You have neither the time nor the resources to take care of a three-month old baby. It may not take a village, but it damn sure takes a mother and a father together cooperating. That's not what you've got.

Take care of yourself and your problem, then worry about Mr. Nice...er, Vice.

[Jimenez]

I can't believe all you guys. Yeah, we all have personal vendettas against the DEA. Put that **** ASIDE. What if he was a barber? Would your advice change? I REALLY THINK IT WOULD. And that's pathetic. She has kids with this guy. All he's guilty of is not knowing about true addiction and withdrawal! Like I said - that's most of the world people! So, don't be so damn flippant and tell her "Yeah divorce that *******" just because of his job. That's just poor. You're basically saying that this man, because of his profession, doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt or the right to a second chance. ****, no one's even explained to him the ramifications of her problem - including her! He doesn't understand. Period. To just say "Oh yeah, he's told you to drink vodka to clean up, Dump him immediately" is really simplifying the situation to obsurdity. A job does not make the man, I don't care how many times the DEA busted you. ****, half the time the addicts here deserved it and were probably saved as in LIFE by some kind of legal intervention. Yeah they're all suit and tie beareaucrats, so what. There are kids involved etc. I don't think anyone should divorce someone over something so STUPID. Inform him. Let him know what's going on. Let him know you could die. If, and ONLY THEN, he says "Oh, who cares, you're not going to have a seizure, here have a drink" then you should consider anything but staying. If this is all it takes for you to leave than it sounds like you marriage and your communication with your husband was ****** up to begin with. Get counseling etc. I'd hate to have you guys turn on me because of my JOB! for Pete's sake. You guys aren't even looking at the situation with an objective eye anymore. You saw that he worked for the DEA and immediately deemed him a useless ******* who could never be made aware of the seriousness of this situation. Kinda like the way doctors stereotype you when you go into the ER with a painful disc, or a migraine headache - "Oh here comes a doper." You don't like being stereotyped, so try to hang onto an ounce of your own integrity by not doing it to others. I've seen the same situation pop up on this board many times and the compassion that arises for people with real husbands with "real" jobs is much different than what I'm seeing here. The guy is ignorant, give him a break. This really pisses me off. It's the pot calling the kettle black BIG time.

[Brighty]

I do agree so do not include me in "all you guys"... I gave him the benefit of the doubt big time.. I have been where he is. I remember my husband telling my daughter who was on heroin to try smoking pot to get off the dope... we were both so dumb. However ....this man DOES work for the DEA and my take is that they are well trained and spend alot of time in courts also seeing the results of addiction as it relates to their role in enforcement of our drug laws. It does not seem to me that he would be ignorant about her situation... although it's possible, which is why I did give him the benefit of the doubt... but somehow I don't think that's the case...call it an educated guess perhaps... still, it is more likely that he is encased in his own denial... I do agree that it's somewhat irrational to tell a woman to leave her husband under the circumstances she stated. What you recognized here in the comments is the underlying contempt for our government, it's profitable participation in the global drug industry and the fact that people who are struggling see the DEA as gathering dollars with one hand and whipping addicts with the other. It's a just anger... while legal intervention HAS saved some lives, my precious daughter's to be exact... the fact remains that the source of the problem is not removed, it's too profitable to structure it so addicts get help instead of years of involvement in the legal system. NO ADDICT DESERVES PUNISHMENT. The pusher at the top plea bargains because he knows the names of everyone under him... the little guy who is sick and supporting a habit only knows the one person above him... that sort of thing is pervasive... addicts are suffering... and I think what happened here is that the sympathy went with the addict and alot of underlying pain and anger surfaced. I agree with you about the advice she was given... it was rash... but you did a great job of letting us see the other side... and I am simply using the board to object to the injustices that addicts suffer at the hands of our government... I do not see addicts profitting from their disease... but the legal system, DEA, law enforcement and other governmental agencies DO. I enjoy your posts and am grateful for the opportunity to add my 2 cents via your post. Thank you. Love, Brighty

[cindi]

Obviously, this has you very irritated.  I never suggested she leave her husband, however, what I did say was basically simple, find someone to care for the baby if he won't and then go to treatment regardless of what he says.  How dare someone tell another person he REFUSES to let her go into detox.  I could give a rat's ass that he is DEA  I don't care if he is Christ himself, he has absolutely no right to dictate to her what she can and can't do.  Ok so he may be uneducated as far as addiction goes, but i don't think that is his problem,  In her post she stated he would not let her go into treatment because there in no way HE can take care of the baby...so he told her to detox at home and if she gets shaky hit on some Vodka,  gee what a guy...how considerate of him to allow her to indulge in Alcohol. Ok so now we have a guy who won't let his wife go into detox, won't take care of the baby, oh yeah and then he took the rest of her pills that she didn't have hidden, hmmmmmm  do we have a control issue going on here or what...(and yep I am going to stereotype now), Typical  of an officer of the law.  I lived with one for many years and I know many,many cops/agents etc.  they do have control problems and alot of them will admit to this. If this is the case and I said IF, then this woman probably is afraid of him, She needs to find the courage to stand up to this guy and tell him, "hey this is what I am going to do, like it or not, deal with it or don't the choice is your's" period....end of discussion.  Then stand her ground, go get help and then take it from there.  If he wants to be a "swell" kind of guy then he can go and take addiction 101 or whatever to learn about what is happening to his wife, and ya know what else? I'll bet if this guy did have another job, say maybe a carpenter or steel worker he would not be so flippin self centered and in the ME ME ME mode....he would not think he is so high up on his pedastal, and as far as stereotyping people such as you say we are doing,,,do ya think that the DEA does not stereotype? they have us all labeled as JUNKIES, low life. scum etc. Anybody who has ever had any dealings with DEA knows this...Yeah, so you are irritated with us that are defending this woman who so desperately wants to get help but she is not allowed.  Well, I am irritated also at the audacity this guy has to think that he really is king of the castle and can dictate a persons life.  Whether he knows anything about addiction or not it is her choice.   Not his, that is not what marriage is all about.If it was him that was in trouble you can betchur ass he would be getting the help he needed, he would never endure the kind of suffering he is causing his wife. It is victims like her that we hear about on the news.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

I get the feeling that nobody cares for the DEA. Would this be an accurate assumption?

[Francoise]

Right on Chad.

The philosophical musings about this guy would be more appropriate in my opinion if hedhurtz wasn't in an acute, emergency, crisis situation. Then it might be profitable to talk about what reactions might be appropriate if the husband here were a barber. He isn't.

The situation is at it is, and I don't think it's realistic to ignore the emotional, psychological, and social environment in which it's taking place. In fact, the referenced environment may very well be a large contributing factor in hedhurtz' problem.

Personally, I hope that hedhurtz will take care of her immediate problem now (does she really have an option?), and then consider how she will handle the environmental one once her personal crisis has been resolved.

I agree with the majority of you that she should:

1. Arrange for a trusted third party to care for the child.

2. Enter detox. She certainly doesn't need her husband's permission to take care of herself. What if she were having a heart attack? Would she need his permission then, too?

3. Obtain her husband's agreement to engage in therapy thereafter.

Whatever she decides to do, I hope she does it soon, and handles this problem while it is still relatively small. If it is allowed to grow, it very well may get so entirely huge it would be out of her hands entirely.

[Brighty]

LOL !!!! I think you're on to something :-)) I love the !!!! after your name... it's very revealing about your enthusiasm.... I am personally impressed that someone as young as you are is really taking the bull by the horns and taking a front row seat in your own healing... Blessings to you and Debra.... PS.... you have me adding my own !!!!!'s... Thank you !! Love, Brighty

[HedHurtz]

Thank you all for responding. It seems that Iv'e started quite a discussion here, and you know what? That's what my life is, one big friggign discussion. My husband actually told me that he was a Vicodin user after his 2 back surgeries and that he was on the and Percocet for months, but he had to quit "cold turkey" and he did it. He was taking like 20 a day! So, why can't I quit! I told him that " I am not YOU...I am a GOD DAMN ADDICT". Hello!!! I think it's the fact that I can completely hold myself together, look good and take care of Emily that he feels that I don't have a problem. Do I have to "act like a junkie" whatever that means, before I ask for help? Do, I have to act like I'm completely insane and scream and yell and try to kill myself or hold one his MANY guns that he has laying around the house to my friggin head before I'm actually taken seriously? I am so glad that I found you guys, because I have NOONE to talk to here.

[cindi]

Ok, your husband cold turkied from Vicodin and percodan...You are taking something which contains a barbiturate which is more dangerous to cold turkey from than vicodin.. have you told him this Re; the barbiturates? You are right, you are not him, my husband and I are not alike, he can take 1 pill for pain and never think about more...Me, on the other hand am not happy with 120 pills.  we are all different, our bodies react to everything differently, Women react to stress differently than men, so his cold turkey from the Vics do make him the "man" lots of people have accomplished this..granted it is definately a bummer but it has been done and I don't think anybody has died from it, coming off the barbs can cause alot of different problems including seizures,,When he tell you that if he could do it, you can to, think about this,  you pushed out a baby (like a watermelon through a nostril) so if you can do it, so can he....I am very concerned about you, Hon, it is your life, take it by the horns and do what you have to do...for you and that baby and let him handle what may come his way...good luck   cindi

[PS >>>>Annie]

**************YES, VERY ACURATE!!!*****************************

[Thomas02]

cindi is absolutely right. If hedhurtz husband is so ill-educated as to believe that you can safely cold turkey off of a barbiturate simply because you can from an opiate, he doesn't deserve to draw a paycheck from the DEA or any other agency. He's an idiot and a fascist who puts his own career ahead of the welfare of his wife and child. What do you want to bet he's already hooked on multiple drugs himself, and, as someone already suggested, doesn't want to be investigated by his own colleagues.

[PS >>>>Annie]

(sp) MISSING "C" UP THERE.

[PS >>>>Annie]

Since we are on the Hedhurtz husband issue.  I have a few choice things to say about my own.  He has been on my case for 3 weeks now.  Ok it's time to get back to work, ok it's time to get serious, ok it's time to stop taking your medication, ok ok ok!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!....If I had the family support, I'd say hit the road....man.  What's up w/ these men,(No offense to my forum men friends).  I am so dam confused.  W/o boring yall w/ all my medical problems, I'll say this: "My husband can be so insensitive!"  Now he is worried about addiction.  Not because he cares, but my problems just might interfere w/ his little plans.  Kinda similar to Hed's husband....MEE- mee- mee- mee- I- I -I- I, ......This society is sooo screwd up.  It's ok to suffer, but not ok to get help for anything. We are just supposed get over it, ok.  I'm getting tired of being a door mat, tired of being strong, tired of being patient, tired of the excuses...tired, tired, tired!!!!
Sorry yall.......just had to get a few things off my chest here.
Annie

PS...Tom/Pat....I don't know if I'll ever get the time to write my essay.  I'm so spittin mad right now.  I tell you, it would probably be full of anger.  Now I need the prayers.

[cindi]

LMAO, not at you but the subject, I just had it out not too long ago with husband about the same situation.  I went to ER last Monday for another bout of pneumonia, I came home sick as a do to find him laying on the couch complaining of a "tummy" ache...I just looked at him I think it may have been a really sick kinda look and I went to bed. the whole damn house could have fallen apart but I was to sick to care...so when my son pissed his pants and my daughter whined she was hungry   he had no choice but to deal with it,  his tummy ache went away real quick.of course the dishes and the cleaning was left for me to deal with when I felt better,  he ususally gives me 24 hours to recover then that's it...GOD forbid it takes 48 hours, my time is up...from talking with my friends that have one of these things called a husband  (sorry guys) our stories are pretty much all the same..Actually though mine is not so bad, when I have been really really sick after a c-section gone bad he was there every minute helping me and taking care of the baby, I think it is a gene or a trait that God has given to them   a gene called the ME gene...acceptance my dear, acceptance...you have to look at both the positive and the negative, and what may be their complaints about us?  just ask my husband...LOL  but in the case of hedhertz, this is just a plain case of abuse, mental, verbal etc.  her husband pretty much makes mine look like a saint.  I think patrick pretty much summed it up....take care   love to all cindi