im high as ****.. remember how good i was doing..cry

[breezyfbaby]

remember how good i was doing? i was clean for 39 days then i ****** up but then i was doing it once in awhile now im fuckin depressed again. i try to have a relationship with God. im sick of being an addict. its so discouraging knowing that ill always be an addict.im high as **** right now, im all over the place. im such a fool. my mind is so decieving. did i sound happy before when i was clean u guys? i mean the posts i wrote were so encouraging. i finally was on track. i was lifting every other day and doing my thing at school. i was going to church and i wasn't withdrawing. i was healthy again.
being healthy again made me think tho...ok now i can do it again...
right there is wer i ****** up. wat was i thinking?! now i only have 2 subs left. i totally ****** myself.
i hate who i am. i think wen i was clean and on the right track i just kept thinking how much farther id be if i never used. and although i was on the right track doing good for myself. i felt as if no1 was there. in my mind wen im using im always with people and thats wer i feel comfort.
i need people in my life. but i live in germantown...wer in every direction the next town over everyones a drug addict.
i feel like if i try to be friends with anyone other than drug addicts...nobody gets me.
y do we go thru this.
dont you remember how good everything was wen we didnt start using? besides some of the circumstances in our lives. we were HEALTHY. we could wake up everyday and work hard...atleast thats wat it was like for me...
i used to have so many friends and dress up everyday and be able to look the best. i got straight A's and sang my heart out. i was IT. i was goin places...

i never give myself enough time to be clean
i never give my relationship with God enough time
but i always give drugs plenty of time...

im stuck AGAIN. im so sick of bein a **** up...but at the same time...i think bein a **** up gives me the excuse to not try
i HATE responsibility, i hate schedule.
i just wanna do watever i want when i want.
this world doesnt work that way, i know i get it.
i have so much to say, im just rambling?
can anyone answer my questions...does it add up to anything that makes sense?

im so LOST. im a slave to sin.
my problem is, i believe satan. but he always ***** me.

wen i decide to get high...i justify. i know wat im doing wen i make a call...
ITS NOT LIKE I JUST FALL INTO USING. i could stay away from it.
i PLAN to use.
but i justify saying, "well everyone does drugs, im just like everyone else and they dont have problems, theyre still on their ****." but is it only a matter of time before they **** up too right?

am i gunna be an addict forever? ive been doing oxy contin for almost 2 and a half years now. thats not that bad right? i mean most people go 10 years being addicted to this ****. i dont wanna be one of those people.

ok so duh...get clean again...start all over...ive only been using for a month and it hasnt been everday i know ill withdawal but thats not as bad as wat i went thru in december wen i was using for 6 months

idk advice plz? u guys always help me

[elwoodsf]

I didn't know you but I want to say - your back. You posted your use, you are on the forum, you came back for support, you can do this. You've already started. Keep sticking around, sick or not, and let those who know you or want to get to know you help you. We are not created to be perfect, right?

We need you as much as you need us, seriously. Stick around.....

~El

[heather_r]

I agree you need to get help to work out the issues. You can get back on track and be clean again. We are all here to listen I hope you are okay today.

[maxximus767]

hey its not over, just stop and see, dont panic, only u can change things, im going threw it to, percocet for yrs due to injuries from to car accidents were an idot hit me from behind...  go off slow, tell ursell everyday to do less then go for ite im in hell, lost my crappy job its cold out and am so uncofortable. it gets better, it does, i died at the age of 17 in the hospital from alcohol, whole bottle of vodka b-4 1st period, a quart!! came back, no biggy just try, i just stop drinking wen i was older no problem, now drink maybe twice a yr. just do ur best, gud look sunshine... il pray and think of u...

[breezyfbaby]

i love you guys soo much.
:)

good news
my dads buyin me another script of subs!

now i gotta stick to it! i need u guys thru this!

[scaredmom330]

hun...everyone fails a time or two., pick yourself up, start again, I agree with LateAugust and troubleinohio you need to get some help. don't keep beating yourself up...you can do this with a little help...we are all here for you and want you to successed...take care and start again today...


gentle hugs

[troubleinohio]

the thign that stood out the most to me from your post is you said you hate yourself.

that right there i believe is your core issue and what drives you to use. You cant just stop taking pills and go on with your life, skipping off into the sunset. YOu have to fix your inner turmoils, your problems. You have to find out why you hate yourself. You have to address those issues. Only then can you have a successful recovery. If you don't do these things, you are bound to relapse over and over.  I did the same thing myself. My main trigger was my abusive husband. Im so glad I left him!!!!!! He still is making my life hard but at least i dont have to deal with him 24/7 anymore.
anyways, you may benefit from some therapy if you can get into counseling. You need to get self confidence (not false confidence from drugs), you need to learn to deal with problems instead of numbing yourself to them with drugs. THe list goes on and on.
I wish you well. Keep us posted, hon

[LateAugust]

Ah  sweetheart  you have to want this more than you have wanted anything in your life.   You sound exactly like my daughter,  in fact if I didnt know better I would think she had written it.    Along with the desire to be clean,  you also need your dignity and self respect back.......   you need to celebrate every day that takes you closer to your goal of a healthy, stong, productive  and most importantly respectful life.    addicts are really good at beating themselves up,  and you did a great job in your post......  but you need to change that behaviour    believe in yourself    know in your heart soul and gut that you deserve a better life.   I am sure you have some regrets,   and for those you can make amends when you are clean and healthy and ready,      Dont give up on yourself    you are way too important to think that you deserve a life of hell and degredation  which is all  your drug can truly give you.  Honestly  your   worst day of being clean   isnt that much easier mentally and physically than your best day of using??

Get out your phone book.  Call the NA number     there is someone to help you  and talk to you  and   support you in this struggle.  You are not strong enough to do this alone right now,  but there is help for you............    for every  or for as long as you need.   No  judgement,  only support.

You touched my heart dear       please let us know how you are doing,  and we too care.

[newgirl286]

Thanks for sharing cause everyday I'm battling trying not to find and take a pill.  Its okay that you fell off just try and remember being all over the place, maybe it'll help you stay clean this time.  I understand cause a lot of my friends still use and I don't want to give them up!  Good luck and you can start over anytime you choose....

[lostsoul2]

Hon, your post was a constant inner monologue of mine.  You and I share so many feelings.  And yes I fully understand not knowing how to be around people who don't understand the addict's mind.  But sweetheart, don't hate yourself for this.  I know your emotions are all over the place, been there and done that.   Hell, I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings and decisions, the hardest time of my life, but I have to stay strong and not use.  It's no answer, we both know that.  I've relapsed countless times.  Be angry with yourself, but don't let it defeat you.  Everyone is behind you.  We all understand.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Good for you posting. It shows you really do want to be clean. steveo is right. Get back up and continue on getting clean. Try to learn from this mistake. See what triggered you to use. Find the weak spot and strengthen it. You can do this!

[steveo30]

remember me,i was so proud of you.now,forgetting about that,you had  a slip,pick yourself back up ,dust yourself off and continue to do what made you feel on top of the world. thats how you felt'i remember being so happy for you.dont beat yourself up just jump back on the welcome wagon ok

[CR_ST_NA]

if you have a relationship with God then you know that there is strength in Him and in His word. if you want to stay close to Him you have to stay close to His word. when i'm discouraged this scripture helps me and i cling to it:

"I know the plans i have for you." declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

cling to it, make it your mantra. i know what you are going through, i can feel your pain and frustration. my advise would be to grab your bible and stay as close to it as you can, sleep with it if you have to. there is so much power in Gods word! the bible says that Gods word is "living and active, sharper than and double edge sword." take that sword and cut addiction down to size, you can do it! you'll be in my prayers. christina

[slapperman]

OK you fell off the wagon, relapsed, and you admit your mistake. Reset and start again, you don't like the way you feel, use it and try that much harder this time. We have to wipe the slate clean and start over this is a minor set back. Make a plan and move forward. You can do it.