I don't know how to want to be sober as much as I NEED to be sober.

[StillLost21]

Hi, I am 21 years old and I am so addicted to oxycontin. It completely runs my life. I started down this path about 2 years ago, and the last year has been so bad. Filled with countless attempts to get sober, only to relapse for a few weeks or months, then detox, then be sober for a few weeks and then relapse again. I don't know how much longer I will last in this deadly cycle. It's taken such a toll on me mentally and physically. I have lost complete control of my life, I know this is not a joke. I am so broken on the inside, so empty from this drug. I hate myself, and what i've become from this drug. It is my number one priority, it robs me of loving myself, or having any self worth whatsoever, I can't honestly care for others because I can't even care about myself. It seems so glamorous partying and going out with friends, but in reality, it has left me alone in my room with lines of oxycontin, and a completely disconnected, empty, and miserable person. I have been to rehab, I have done meetings, and started the steps, although barely. I was a half measures case, and I barely made it past step two. I am so scared of dealing with stuff and honestly I just don't know how. I have a messed up family situation and some bad stuff  that has happened in my past to me and I just don't know how to deal with things. When I get sober, eventually I always go back to using just to escape, to numb myself, and to completely stop any ability to feel anything. I was in college, living with my best friends, I was happy and free, and I had all the possibilities in the world, and I completely destroyed it all. My world was so big and in a matter of a few months it shrunk down to the size of a little 80mg pill. I don't know what to do anymore, I have no more plans, no more ways of getting around things. I just want to be sober, but happy. I have not ever experienced true happiness in sobriety. Just days of detoxing and craving and being an emotional mess. I want the freedom people talk about in sobriety, I don't want to be chained to this drug anymore, but I just can't ever seem to get there. I don't know what to do anymore, sometimes I wake up and I don't even know how I got here, or who I am anymore. Like this must just be a nightmare that I will hopefully wake up from soon. I just hate myself so much for doing this to myself, to my friends, to my family. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, I am so so so ashamed of what has become of my life. If anyone has any advice about what they did to get sober or when it finally clicked with them I would appreciate it so much. I am just really struggling in life right now and I don't know how much longer I can take living like this.

[Dump_Subs]

That's rough bro, and we sort of have all been there.  I wish I could tell you it is easy, but it is not.  It is not impossible however.  I found that everytime I tried to quit, I just wasn't educated on how long it really takes to feel normal.  Education is your friend and guide.  The best medicine is knowing how others have done it and then copy them.  You are a bit negative right now and that's cool FOR NOW.  But if you think you can't beat the addiction than you can't.  It is hard to be positive but you hve to try.  Set small goals.  A week a month a year etc.  Help is needed and it is okay.  Stay focused.  Also I will tell you some of the biggest addicts in the world have quit and they not nearly as tough as you, so if they can do it then you can to.  Try not to be board.  Find a hobby/job that ***** all of your time N make friends with people who like that stuff.  If your buddy has oxys then it is going to simply be a matter of time before you suck the coating off and chop a long line of pure he11.  Be proud of your clean days Abd share it with whoever will listen.  Today is day 34 for me and I am starting to kick butt again in life. You can do it brotha!

[jerrywwe]

Hey man. I am 23, and everybody tells me I'm too young to have a problem. It's not true. Do not hate yourself. The fact you are here asking for help is a step many are afraid to take. I recently told my family that I have addiction problems and its hard but exremely effective. Dont suffer alone. Open up to family, friends, girlfriend etc. There is help out there, you may be surprised at the amount of support you will get.

[laurel453]

HI :)

you need help, stilllost.... you are an addict so it's quite normal if you don't have faith in yourself about this issue of staying sober just by will power.... we are quite powerless about it , this is why we need support from other addicts, from profesional counsellors, therapists.... do try the na meetings, if you don't find yourself confortable with the group you go, search for another meeting.... ask for help , find a therapist who can help you to start  this new path in your live living clean and sober.... whatever may work for you but never, never give up on yourself , OK ? :)

[StillLost21]

I haven't been going to meetings because i've been using, I just don't have any hope right now. No faith in myself that if I try to stay sober i'll actually stay sober.

[GA Guy]

Happiness comes from not only getting rid of the drugs, but from the things that makes us escape by getting high. Do you have a way to get into rehab? You're too young to be fooling around with this. If not, getting to some NA or AA meetings would be a big help. You can reclaim our dreams...ask for help!