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I need advice my husband wants a divorce.
I posted this on the Addiction Community Forum also I wanted to post here too incase someone in this Frrum has some advice for me Please. Seem ther may be people here that don't have addiction problems themselves I would like to hear from them also they may understand my Husband's feelings. Thanks and sorry if you read this already on the other Forum but I need al the help I can get!!!!!
I have been taking Suboxone for my addiction to prescription drugs ( Norco 10's and MS Cotin) for 2 weeks. I have been taking the prescription drugs everyday for 3 years. I do have real health problems and that what got me into this mess. I made my self believe that I wouldn't be able to physically funtion in my job or at home without them. Over the past 3 years I have become a different person. My job became my priority over everything. I had no patients with my kids (i have a 10 year old daughter and a 15 year old step daughter) My husband and I have fought constantly and at least twice it has become physical. Thinking back on those situation I was crazy women. It got to the point where I filed a restraining order against him and he was arrested at his work for threatening to kill me. He faced months of court dates and finally they dropped the case after I asked them to. During all that he filed for divorce and then we decided to try and work things out. Our court agreement said that he would attend anger managment classes( we did together) we would go to marriage counseling( we did but stopped when he started talking about my addiction) and I would go to pain managment classes to find anothe way to cope with my pain. I never went. My husband has told me hundered of times in every possible way from yelling to lecturing to begging me to stop taking all those pills. I always denied I had a problem. He knew everything because he was counting my pills and knew how much I took, when I ran out etc. When I found that out I started hiding them. He would ask to go to the doctor with me but I would never let him. I rarely had sex with him, I pushed him away constantly, I accused him of being controling, I didn't help around the house, I stopped planning dinner and taking care of bills, we would always fight about the bills, When it came to the kids I did always take them to school and pick them up. I tried to take care of them and I tought I was but looking back there is so much more I could have done. My relationship with my step daughter has deteriorated to nothing. A couple weeks ago he had enough and went to a divorce attorney. I will be served any day now. I had wanted to get clean for a long time but I couldn't do it on my own I had tried tappering but it never worked. My plan had been to stop taking the Norco and start taking MS Cotin but that didn't happen I just kept taking both. It took me 2 hours to get up the nerve to call a doctor about my addiction. I finally did it. I had to be in withdraws before I could start taking the Suboxone so 2 weeks ago yesterday was the last time I took anything. The next day was hell, I was having full blown withdraws, I thought I was going to die. I asked my husband to take me to the addicition doctor. I didn't think he would believe I was quiting unless he actually saw it. I was give 12mg of Suboxone and with in 45 minutes all my withdraw symptoms were gone and I felt better that I had in years. It was like everything was suddedly clearer. It was a amazing. I am suddenly the person I was 3 years ago before this nightmare. The thing I worried about most, my pain, it wasn't any worse than it was when I was taking all those pills. My doctor said when you start abusing prescription pain pills your body actually becomes hyper sensative to pain and the pills don't work for the pain anymore so you take more thinking you will then get relief and it never happens. I have continued to feel great, like a new person for the past 2 weeks. I am on 8 mg a day and go back to the doctor tomorrow.
I tought my husband would want to work thing out now that I was getting help and admitted that I an addcited to prescription drugs. That didn't happen. He said he is happy I'm doing it but his mind is made up and he still wants a divorce. I have appologized and asked him to give me a chance because I am still the women he married. Nothing has changed. He said I have hurt him too badly. I know I have but those damn pills messed up my brain he recognized it and now I have. He said he is mad because he had to file for divorce before I would get help and that everything else was more important to me than him. He says he has thought about not going through with the divorce but he said he gets so mad when he thinks about everything that has happened over the past 3 years. When he thinks about that it makes him want to divorce me and find someone else who will truely care about him. I do love him and I know that I have done some terrible things to him and our life but I truely believe I did those things because I was so messed up on pills all the time. Can you give me some advice on how to save my marriage? Is it too late? I know we could have a great marriage if he would just let me in and let me prove I'm different? How do I get him to let me in? We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed but he is always going out now and it's more like we are roomates that never talk or see each other. He has held me in bed after I ask and inntiated it. Please give me some advice I don't want to lose my marriage. I want my old life back. I'm sorry this was so long..
I have been taking Suboxone for my addiction to prescription drugs ( Norco 10's and MS Cotin) for 2 weeks. I have been taking the prescription drugs everyday for 3 years. I do have real health problems and that what got me into this mess. I made my self believe that I wouldn't be able to physically funtion in my job or at home without them. Over the past 3 years I have become a different person. My job became my priority over everything. I had no patients with my kids (i have a 10 year old daughter and a 15 year old step daughter) My husband and I have fought constantly and at least twice it has become physical. Thinking back on those situation I was crazy women. It got to the point where I filed a restraining order against him and he was arrested at his work for threatening to kill me. He faced months of court dates and finally they dropped the case after I asked them to. During all that he filed for divorce and then we decided to try and work things out. Our court agreement said that he would attend anger managment classes( we did together) we would go to marriage counseling( we did but stopped when he started talking about my addiction) and I would go to pain managment classes to find anothe way to cope with my pain. I never went. My husband has told me hundered of times in every possible way from yelling to lecturing to begging me to stop taking all those pills. I always denied I had a problem. He knew everything because he was counting my pills and knew how much I took, when I ran out etc. When I found that out I started hiding them. He would ask to go to the doctor with me but I would never let him. I rarely had sex with him, I pushed him away constantly, I accused him of being controling, I didn't help around the house, I stopped planning dinner and taking care of bills, we would always fight about the bills, When it came to the kids I did always take them to school and pick them up. I tried to take care of them and I tought I was but looking back there is so much more I could have done. My relationship with my step daughter has deteriorated to nothing. A couple weeks ago he had enough and went to a divorce attorney. I will be served any day now. I had wanted to get clean for a long time but I couldn't do it on my own I had tried tappering but it never worked. My plan had been to stop taking the Norco and start taking MS Cotin but that didn't happen I just kept taking both. It took me 2 hours to get up the nerve to call a doctor about my addiction. I finally did it. I had to be in withdraws before I could start taking the Suboxone so 2 weeks ago yesterday was the last time I took anything. The next day was hell, I was having full blown withdraws, I thought I was going to die. I asked my husband to take me to the addicition doctor. I didn't think he would believe I was quiting unless he actually saw it. I was give 12mg of Suboxone and with in 45 minutes all my withdraw symptoms were gone and I felt better that I had in years. It was like everything was suddedly clearer. It was a amazing. I am suddenly the person I was 3 years ago before this nightmare. The thing I worried about most, my pain, it wasn't any worse than it was when I was taking all those pills. My doctor said when you start abusing prescription pain pills your body actually becomes hyper sensative to pain and the pills don't work for the pain anymore so you take more thinking you will then get relief and it never happens. I have continued to feel great, like a new person for the past 2 weeks. I am on 8 mg a day and go back to the doctor tomorrow.
I tought my husband would want to work thing out now that I was getting help and admitted that I an addcited to prescription drugs. That didn't happen. He said he is happy I'm doing it but his mind is made up and he still wants a divorce. I have appologized and asked him to give me a chance because I am still the women he married. Nothing has changed. He said I have hurt him too badly. I know I have but those damn pills messed up my brain he recognized it and now I have. He said he is mad because he had to file for divorce before I would get help and that everything else was more important to me than him. He says he has thought about not going through with the divorce but he said he gets so mad when he thinks about everything that has happened over the past 3 years. When he thinks about that it makes him want to divorce me and find someone else who will truely care about him. I do love him and I know that I have done some terrible things to him and our life but I truely believe I did those things because I was so messed up on pills all the time. Can you give me some advice on how to save my marriage? Is it too late? I know we could have a great marriage if he would just let me in and let me prove I'm different? How do I get him to let me in? We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed but he is always going out now and it's more like we are roomates that never talk or see each other. He has held me in bed after I ask and inntiated it. Please give me some advice I don't want to lose my marriage. I want my old life back. I'm sorry this was so long..
I need some advice. My husband and I moved to another state to live with his mother for a little while, until we could find a job. His mother mistreated me and when he would take up for me she threatened to wack him upside the head with a skillet. So I told him not to worry about it. Then his mother kicks me out. He tells me that he loves me and he will come back as soon as he gets the money. My parents paid my way back. Now I feel as if his mother is brainwashing him, because he called me all of a sudden and says he wants a divorce! He didnt sound like himself, at all! But its still going on. We have almost been married a year now. I love him with all of my heart. How do I get him back? What do I do?
I think the therapist is an excellent idea, too. I wish my ex husband would have gone before things went so bad. Ask your therapist, but I think it would be a really good idea to be open & honest with your kids about your problem. They are old enough to understand & I think they will respect you & admire you for admitting your weakness & showing them you're getting help. If they have no idea what's going on with your drug addiction, they must be very confused about what's going on with their mom & dad. You don't have to say, 'I'm a drug addict". You can explain it to them in more sensitive terms. "I was taking some medication & I became dependent on it & couldn't stop taking it when I wanted to & now I'm working really hard to stop taking it & working hard to make sure I never take it again. I never intended for this to happen, but it did, and now I have to work really hard to get well & stay well." or something like that. I just know from my own experience that my ex husband denied his addiction for years & it didn't help the kids & didn't protect them; it hurt them more. I'm only giving you an opinion based on personal experience, but I have a very strong feeling that my 24, 20, & 17 y.o. would tell you the same thing.
Best of luck to you. You're going to be okay!
Best of luck to you. You're going to be okay!
Wow, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I can't say that my divorce last yr wasn't b/c of this stuff but at the point it got violent......well for me and my situation.....it had changed. I don't know if the separation was done for all the right reasons but I have to say, I was surprised how many of my friends congratulated me and told me I did to the right thing...and I have been happier since, and that was while on the drugs. Just the idea of living off of them seems so "in reach" to me right now and sounds so beautiful...and I do feel like things are better than they were then...
I have and still do believe that things...ALL things...happen for a reason and seriously (and I know how dumb this sounds) Things always work out for the best and in the way "they're supposed to."
None of that is meant to tell you what you should do, only that life is but a series of choices, a choice to take a pill, a choice to yell, a choice to love, a choice to leave, a choice to stay. In reality, all of those choices in and of themselves, are neither bad nor good, they are neutral. They just all come with a series of circumstances that follow.
It sounds like you are making some great choices in your spot and the only ones you can make: focusing on yourself becuase you can't take care of anyone (including your kids) if you don't take care of yourself first. If that means suboxone on your way to no more pills, then that sounds like a pretty good choice to me.
It's the holidays, I know it sounds like some stupid quote or cliche (and my apologies to Ghandi)but "Be the love you want to see in the world." If you are loving yourself, your kids and your husband, (in that order by the way) then he has to be allowed to make his own choice--as much as that sucks. You have to be the best person you can be for anything else to work. The more you try to focus on changing him and not on improving yourself, the further away you move from where you really need to be. In the end, you have your choices to make and he has his.
You may wind up together, you may not and either way, you'll one day (probably not very far away) look back and realize that things went "right."
Finally, a therapist is an EXCELLENT idea, PLEASE do so today. You may have to "interview" 2 or 3 before you find one you like but it sounds like it's a great idea. Think about it: their whole job is to objectively (without their own agenda) help you make your life better. No friends, no matter what, can do the same thing.
Good Luck. You sounds like a wonderful person, making some hard decisions but heading in the right direction.
I'll keep thinking about you and watching this thread for you.
Take Care Sweetie
I have and still do believe that things...ALL things...happen for a reason and seriously (and I know how dumb this sounds) Things always work out for the best and in the way "they're supposed to."
None of that is meant to tell you what you should do, only that life is but a series of choices, a choice to take a pill, a choice to yell, a choice to love, a choice to leave, a choice to stay. In reality, all of those choices in and of themselves, are neither bad nor good, they are neutral. They just all come with a series of circumstances that follow.
It sounds like you are making some great choices in your spot and the only ones you can make: focusing on yourself becuase you can't take care of anyone (including your kids) if you don't take care of yourself first. If that means suboxone on your way to no more pills, then that sounds like a pretty good choice to me.
It's the holidays, I know it sounds like some stupid quote or cliche (and my apologies to Ghandi)but "Be the love you want to see in the world." If you are loving yourself, your kids and your husband, (in that order by the way) then he has to be allowed to make his own choice--as much as that sucks. You have to be the best person you can be for anything else to work. The more you try to focus on changing him and not on improving yourself, the further away you move from where you really need to be. In the end, you have your choices to make and he has his.
You may wind up together, you may not and either way, you'll one day (probably not very far away) look back and realize that things went "right."
Finally, a therapist is an EXCELLENT idea, PLEASE do so today. You may have to "interview" 2 or 3 before you find one you like but it sounds like it's a great idea. Think about it: their whole job is to objectively (without their own agenda) help you make your life better. No friends, no matter what, can do the same thing.
Good Luck. You sounds like a wonderful person, making some hard decisions but heading in the right direction.
I'll keep thinking about you and watching this thread for you.
Take Care Sweetie
Thank you all for your encouragment and support. regarding the Suboxone. Of coarse I don't want to trade 1 addiction for another. I stared 2 weeks ago at 12 mg. then last week I went to 8 mg. This week I am on 6 mg. so as long as I keep feeling ok. I get really tired for the first few hours after I take it, Is that normal?? I will continue to taper down each week and by January 7th I should be off. I'm at the point where my depression has kicked in and I'm trying to regulate that with Prozac. I have no withdrawl symtoms on the Suboxone. It is becoming very apparent to me though that I was using the Norco not only for pain but to make be "feel" better. I say that because when I get stressed or worried or feel down I think back and realize that I would take a Norco or two when I had those feelings. Now I have to work through it, but I'm determined to do that.But I'm on my own with that. It's hard not having someone to support me. My husband and 2 friends are the only one who know about this. The two friend both take Norco too. One also says she started Soboxone last week but she has a tendency to lie and so I don't really look at her as true support. The other friend keeps using and claims he doesn't take much. They both have been good friends( I work with them) to me but I'm trying to distance my self because of there Norco use. I feel very lonely because I don't have friends outside of work anymore. As for my husband no support there. To anwser your other questions about the abuse. The first time it was us fighting over things he was taken out of the house. He grabbed my arm when I tried to take the items out of his car. It was a mutual thing at that time. I was acting like a crazy women now that I think back at one point he was going to drive away and I got on his hood to stop him. I would never think of doing something like that now. I also tried to lock him out and he pushed the door open with so much force that I slamed against the wall. So he has never actually hit, kicked or anything else. We were split up for about 2 weeks and then I didn't file for the permanent order. The second time was last fall. I had cont. to push him away, worked late , not helping out around the house, just not caring about anything else but the Norco and my job. I take that back my kids have always been my priorty. I always made sure they were taken care of. We just ate out or take out alot and I didn't want to do the usual family activities on the weekends. I think I've been depressed for a long time cause all I wanted to do on the weekends was stay in my PJ's and watch TV. We are a very active family and do lots of outdoor activites but I lost interest because of those damn Norco and my depression I guess. So the second restraining order came not from physical violence but from a threat. We had been arguing and he cont. to tell me I was a drug addicit etc. and he came into the bed room and said "your killing yourself with those pills and if I could put a bullet in your head, I would) I went to the police department and they gave me an emergency restraining order and then I filed for a temporary restaining order. I was so messed up I convinced myself that he wanted to kill me. Thinking about it no I was so irrational, it maks me sick! He had to move out and he then he filed for divorce. When we went to court we had already been talking again. so we made an offical court order, I dropped the restraining order but we had to go to a 12 week anger management class( we did), attend marriage counciling( we did and stopped when he started talking about my pills) and I was suppose to go to a chronic pain classes to deal with my pain( i never went) . The DA filed charges on him for the threat, thats when he got arrested at work about 2 months after the incident and we were back together going to marrainge counsiling. The case eventually got dropped after I spoke to the DA. Thinking back I know he said it but I don't believe it was a real threat> I know it's hard to believe but the anger management classes really helped him. Me not so muxh, I was so moody he discribes it as a roller coaster you never knew what personality I would have. i freaked out about the samallest things. I am so asshamed and completely disgusted with myself. and what I put my family through. It's been a year and he has worked hard at controling his anger. Going to jail for 14 hours freaked him out. I'm not afraid of him. He was at his wits end and like I said tried everything to get me to get help. I wish I would have listened. I told him last night that I was sorry i had caused him so much pain and misery. I told him he had every right to not trust me, to be angery and disappointed and hurt and althoughs things. I guess I should take your advice and just let him be. It just hurts so much and I'm affraind that he will find someone else why I'm "working" on muself. I just want so badly to have a second chance to be the wife ato him I was for the 9 years bedore this nightmare started 2 years ago. He says that he just doesn't want to get hurt again and once he made the decision to go back to the divorce attorney he turned everything off. It so weird and uncofortable around hear we still have dinner together, he does most of the laundry( he alsways has, except when i wasn't working, when he first me me it was clear that I hated doing laundry), we are doing Christmas with the kid together, we sleep in the same bed together. We even had sex night befor last( i started it). But when I try and ask him about a second chance his answer is always the same "i"ve made up my mind, I want to get tis over with and get along with you, and be friends becasue we have a daughter together" He says he loves me but he is affraid it won't work and he will get hurt again and he doesn't want to risk that. I guess your right the more I bring it up and talk about staying together, and ask for a second chance. the more he pushes me away. It's so hard though all I think about is my marraige and fixing it, I don't want to go to work and I'm also questioning my work because its so demanding and that been a big problem for him and my kids. That a whole other store with a lot of stress! Do you think it would help if I appologized to his family and the kids. My husband has told my mother in law about the Suboxone. I just don't know what to say to them especially the kids. I don't think I should say hey kids i"m a drug addicit. They are 15 and 10. Sorry for the long post again I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I'm planning on making an appt with a therapist this week.
Yeah, that's where I was going. Why does she still want to be with someone if she needed to be protected from him?
Stacy had a good point about the restraining order and violence. People don't get arrested where I'm at unless there was good cause. That means having solid evidence such as injuries or such. I don't want to change the forum from what it is to something else but??? Just because you have been taking pills does not give someone else the right to hurt you. From your post it sounds like you have been having trouble in your marriage for awhile???
Dove
Dove
Hello, I'm answering your post as a sober person who has never even touched any drugs so I hope mt advice can help. First off keep yourself clean. Actions speak lounder then words, if you stay clean for yourself then maybe your husband will give you another chance. the worst thing you can do is say, " oh, screw it " and start on the drugs again because if he has any feelings of reconsiling with you , you will loose him again.
Second, focus on your recovery instead of him. leave him alone let him think, the more you bug or beg th efarther away you will push him. He seems to be pretty far away from you mentally but PLEASE DO AS I HAVE SAID AND 9 outof 10 TIMES THEY COME BACK. Please keep me posted .
good luck and merry chrstmas
Second, focus on your recovery instead of him. leave him alone let him think, the more you bug or beg th efarther away you will push him. He seems to be pretty far away from you mentally but PLEASE DO AS I HAVE SAID AND 9 outof 10 TIMES THEY COME BACK. Please keep me posted .
good luck and merry chrstmas
I feel like I was living the same thing for the past three years. My girlfriend said the same things your husband said, and the big thing was all of the lies I told and how selfish I was. She said she felt like I cared only about myself, and I never once stopped to think about how she felt. We broke up, but we were living as roomates still, coming and going as we pleased, without each other. I got on Suboxone, and now we're back together, of her choice, and just recently she said how happy she is that I have changed. She said that she has always loved me, and she is so proud that I am off drugs. I am so sick of people telling other people what, who, and how long Suboxone should be for. I know that a few people, like IBKleen have had great success using it short term, but the failure rate for that is really high. A lot of people may need it for a longer amount of time, which I intend to do, because I have big plans for the things I need to work on within myself. You shouldn't give yourself a time limit, and be told that taking it more than a few weeks is an equally bad addiction. Being under the care of a doctor, taking your medication legally, and not having to split up doses anymore are three major steps in the right direction. And when the time comes to get off of it, if your Dr. tapers you correctly, the withdrawal is nothing like that of other opiates. You posted for advice on your impending divorce, and not your Suboxone use. I believe that the best thing to do in your case is to keep on showing that you are a changed person, and if it is meant to be, the things that you want will come to you. Actions speak louder than words, and even if he divorces you, you will show that you are strong, and that you can still function and stay clean even in the face of a hardship. If he truly sees this, he will come back to you. If not, maybe it is for the best. I wanted to ask though, when you said before that there was a restraining order, was that because you weren't yourself, or did he actually do something violent?
There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to things like this. If I was you I would want to move one with my life with or without him. The fact that he stills lives there has to be hard on you and that he is also saying he wants a divorce. If his mind is made up to get a divorce I would tell him to get out unless he plans on living there when you are divorced. Are you still cooking for him and doing his laundry?
Dove
Dove
I agree with the other posters that you are to be commended for taking positive steps towards recovery. I'm 41 years old & was married to an alcoholic for 13 years, well, 15 before the divorce was finalized. My ex has been in prison for 5 years now & from all indications, is sober & intends to come out & live a sober life. HIS alcohlism destroyed our family. My son, who is 20 years old and has a baby of his own now, is a drug addict. His girlfriend is also a drug addict. Every moment of every day I feel like I'm drowning in stress & worry related to my son's issues. At this very moment, I am so emotionally & physically drained from all of it, I just wish I could curl up in my bed and go to sleep and stay that way for a LONG, LONG time, but of course, I can't do that. I have to be the responsible one. I have to get up and go to work every day to pay the bills. I can't stay home & rest even when I feel like ****.
I have to get up and face every day knowing my son is an addict, knowing my grandson has not one, but TWO addicted parents, & worrying about what kind of future he has. I have been dealing with the lies and excuses and stress and worry and overwhelming burden of someone ELSE'S choices for over a decade now. I am ANGRY. I am RESENTFUL. I am EXHAUSTED. I am STRESSED OUT. I know that because of the nature of addiction, even if my son & his girlfriend both happen to recover from their heroine addiction (which statistically speaking isn't real probable), I will live the REST OF MY LIFE worrying if something will cause a relapse. I will live the rest of my life looking for signs of drug abuse. I will most likely never, ever have a relationship with my son that is free from suspicion or fear. Fear for my grandson's safety. Fear of him being hurt when someone is high. Fear of DCFS coming in and taking him and never seeing him again. Fear of DCFS coming in and him going to a foster family that is in it for the money. Fear of getting that dreaded call that my son has ODed, or done something horrible while he was high. I live my life in constant TURMOIL because of choices my son is making. For the last 5-10 years of my marriage to his father, I lived in turmoil because his father chose to continue drinking. I sat back helplessly while he destroyed our family. I just wish addicts could really and truly understand how DEEPLY & PAINFULLY their addiction effects those of us who love them. I'm not an addict. I've had plenty of demons in my life to push me towards some kind of substance abuse, but I've made the choice not to take that path. I'm not saying any addict "chooses" to be an addict, but people can choose to get help, or choose to continue in their addiction and choose to continue making everyone around them miserable. When you are the spouse or parent or friend of an addict, you are held hostage emotionally by that loved ones' addiction. We don't sleep at night, we don't concentrate on the things we should be concentrating on, we can't focus, we can't relax - EVER. There comes a point where we have to say "enough is enough". "I can't subject myself to this anymore." "Maybe he/she will get better, but if they relapse one more time, I think I might just go over the deep end myself & I can't take that chance." There comes a point where we have to think about our own happiness and OUR well-being. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh & I'm not trying to be mean. You did say you'd like to hear from some of us who aren't the addicts. I really do wish you well & I pray you do fully and completely recover. Unfortunately, you may have to let your husband go. I hope that if you do somehow convince your husband to stay, that you do everything in your power to recover completely and that you never give him a reason to regret staying. Good luck to you & God bless.
I have to get up and face every day knowing my son is an addict, knowing my grandson has not one, but TWO addicted parents, & worrying about what kind of future he has. I have been dealing with the lies and excuses and stress and worry and overwhelming burden of someone ELSE'S choices for over a decade now. I am ANGRY. I am RESENTFUL. I am EXHAUSTED. I am STRESSED OUT. I know that because of the nature of addiction, even if my son & his girlfriend both happen to recover from their heroine addiction (which statistically speaking isn't real probable), I will live the REST OF MY LIFE worrying if something will cause a relapse. I will live the rest of my life looking for signs of drug abuse. I will most likely never, ever have a relationship with my son that is free from suspicion or fear. Fear for my grandson's safety. Fear of him being hurt when someone is high. Fear of DCFS coming in and taking him and never seeing him again. Fear of DCFS coming in and him going to a foster family that is in it for the money. Fear of getting that dreaded call that my son has ODed, or done something horrible while he was high. I live my life in constant TURMOIL because of choices my son is making. For the last 5-10 years of my marriage to his father, I lived in turmoil because his father chose to continue drinking. I sat back helplessly while he destroyed our family. I just wish addicts could really and truly understand how DEEPLY & PAINFULLY their addiction effects those of us who love them. I'm not an addict. I've had plenty of demons in my life to push me towards some kind of substance abuse, but I've made the choice not to take that path. I'm not saying any addict "chooses" to be an addict, but people can choose to get help, or choose to continue in their addiction and choose to continue making everyone around them miserable. When you are the spouse or parent or friend of an addict, you are held hostage emotionally by that loved ones' addiction. We don't sleep at night, we don't concentrate on the things we should be concentrating on, we can't focus, we can't relax - EVER. There comes a point where we have to say "enough is enough". "I can't subject myself to this anymore." "Maybe he/she will get better, but if they relapse one more time, I think I might just go over the deep end myself & I can't take that chance." There comes a point where we have to think about our own happiness and OUR well-being. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh & I'm not trying to be mean. You did say you'd like to hear from some of us who aren't the addicts. I really do wish you well & I pray you do fully and completely recover. Unfortunately, you may have to let your husband go. I hope that if you do somehow convince your husband to stay, that you do everything in your power to recover completely and that you never give him a reason to regret staying. Good luck to you & God bless.
Be aware the suboxone is just as addictive as the other medication, it's basically the same thing. Using it past a few weeks will give you an equally bad addiction.
Otherwise...this is one of those "time will tell" situations. You've got a lot of bad recent history between you. The only thing you can do is show him you've changed. I wouldn't fight the divorce. I'd state you're against it, but you'll respect his wishes. It will take some time, but hopefully eventually he will see the truth of the matter. Many people divorce and remarry a second time after going through something like this.
Otherwise...this is one of those "time will tell" situations. You've got a lot of bad recent history between you. The only thing you can do is show him you've changed. I wouldn't fight the divorce. I'd state you're against it, but you'll respect his wishes. It will take some time, but hopefully eventually he will see the truth of the matter. Many people divorce and remarry a second time after going through something like this.
Your husband is focused on the anger. It's a similar reaction as to an affair or a sucide - that the other person hasn't cared properly or honestly for their feelings. While, if he wants to leave - you have to let go...
The only in road I see is to help him start to understand addiction and where HIS feelings are appropriate and common reactions to this. He's not understanding how addiction caused you to do this and is thinking the addicted you is the whole intregral part of you. Have you been to an NA meeting? Can you ask him to at least do that? Some posters have mentioned books, maybe give him copies to take with him? Keep reinforcing not just that you are sorry, but that you understand and support HIS feelings, and don't want him to have to feel this way.
If Newhope or her husband Steve are around (she's recovering from a serious car accident), Beach (a former poster) sent a PM letter to Steve that she said explained a lot that she was having trouble explaining. So if they are around, maybe Steve would be willing to forward it to you.
You are in the middle of things right now. You never know which way it will twist and turn before it all settles. You have to trust that if it ends with him leaving - that's for the best. If the essense of the relationship is worthwhile - it will come through again, and if it doesn't better to know that and move on. Also, sometimes it's more than the pills causing the problem and you just don't know it (i.e. it's an excuse for him). Nows the time to focus on caring for yourself and trusting that it will all end in the best way, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
The only in road I see is to help him start to understand addiction and where HIS feelings are appropriate and common reactions to this. He's not understanding how addiction caused you to do this and is thinking the addicted you is the whole intregral part of you. Have you been to an NA meeting? Can you ask him to at least do that? Some posters have mentioned books, maybe give him copies to take with him? Keep reinforcing not just that you are sorry, but that you understand and support HIS feelings, and don't want him to have to feel this way.
If Newhope or her husband Steve are around (she's recovering from a serious car accident), Beach (a former poster) sent a PM letter to Steve that she said explained a lot that she was having trouble explaining. So if they are around, maybe Steve would be willing to forward it to you.
You are in the middle of things right now. You never know which way it will twist and turn before it all settles. You have to trust that if it ends with him leaving - that's for the best. If the essense of the relationship is worthwhile - it will come through again, and if it doesn't better to know that and move on. Also, sometimes it's more than the pills causing the problem and you just don't know it (i.e. it's an excuse for him). Nows the time to focus on caring for yourself and trusting that it will all end in the best way, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
I so so sorry...I know this has to be so painfull...All i can say is you are doing all you can right now to get and stay clean...keep that up, take care of you..
things may change when he sees how good you are doing, and you get back to the real you...
I wish i had more advice, but please try to focus on YOU right now...
we are here to help...
God bless and i will pray for you !
r2r
things may change when he sees how good you are doing, and you get back to the real you...
I wish i had more advice, but please try to focus on YOU right now...
we are here to help...
God bless and i will pray for you !
r2r
Hi, first of all - kudos for getting the help you need and admitting to yourself you had a problem. I'm going to reply from the other side. I'm the spouse who didn't know about the addiction, I'm the spouse who was neglected, I'm the spouse that was ignored, etc. I didn't find out until after I finally decided I was done with the marriage that I was living with a codeine addict. Apparently that explained a lot. Our situation is different than yours, of course, but for me - it's not enough that he's tapering or maybe even quit. Besides the fact that relapse at any time is something he will live with, without participating in any sort of recovery program, chances are good it will not work for him. I don't see him being really serious about it. A lot of damage has happened. "I'm sorry" and being scared for change is not good enough. Maybe, if he stays clean for a few years and really participates in his own recovery, maybe that will be a person I would want to have in my life again, but for right now, I'm 41 and have spent the last 11 years in a relationship accepting less than what I deserved. It's not OK, life is too short. So, show your husband you're serious, take care of your issues, participate in your own recovery. Quitting the pills is not enough, but it is the most important. You and your child are important. I encourage you and wish you much luck and love on your road. You do deserve happiness. Sometimes the choices we make (and no, you didn't choose your addiction but you did choose to not acknowledge it or deal with it) give us results we wish were different, but we can learn from them and grow. Good luck to you!
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