Aa
why does talking about it make me feel worse?
I am curious if anyone else feels this way. I am new to the boards. I just finished a rapid taper off of oxycontin that I was prescribed for pain related to my cancer. Long story short I had begun using more than prescribed, couldn't get early refills and had to finally face up to the fact I was addicted. I had already (since january) voluntarily weened myself off percocet because I hated the way they made me feel, my prescriptions were for 8 10/325 percs per day and 30 mg oxycontin x 2 a day. Once I stopped the percs it was only a couple weeks before I started using more of the extended release ones. I work hellish hours and I was relying on them to get me through the day. Anyway, I hit a wall fast and my dr put me on a taper that took 15 days. It is such a relief, now that the horrible withdrawals are over, I am amazed at how much the pills were holding me back from recovery (of my cancer).
My problem is, talking about the addiction, with anyone, brings on major depression. I feel great otherwise, I have been walking 5 miles a day and playing softball, spending more time with my kids, etc. But the minute I get into a conversation about what happened I am overwhelmed with guilt, depression, and shame. I want to go hide and curl up in a ball. I am required to go to meetings as part of the treatment I entered, but its really scaring me how depressing they are! Am I alone in this? When people say they will always be an addict I want to scream! WHY are we expected to live with the stigma the rest of our lives? I don't get it. I have no desire to pop another pill. All through the 18 months of chemo, I was told, you get through it and then you put it behind you and go back to living. So why do we limit ourselves by continuing to call ourselves addicts? I don't say I have cancer, I say I HAD cancer. I am not saying aftercare is not important, of COURSE it is. I'm asking why we are taught to call addiction a disease, like an incurable one. If I had used that mentality with cancer, I'd be dead now. I firmly believe that. I overcame so many complications that should have killed me, because I refused to give up.
I think calling ourselves addicts is only short-selling ourselves. We WERE addicts. Not anymore. I'm not going to call myself that. Ever!
You are whatever you believe you are.
Now I'm going to sit over here under cover while the shitstorm comes down on me for saying it...lol.
My problem is, talking about the addiction, with anyone, brings on major depression. I feel great otherwise, I have been walking 5 miles a day and playing softball, spending more time with my kids, etc. But the minute I get into a conversation about what happened I am overwhelmed with guilt, depression, and shame. I want to go hide and curl up in a ball. I am required to go to meetings as part of the treatment I entered, but its really scaring me how depressing they are! Am I alone in this? When people say they will always be an addict I want to scream! WHY are we expected to live with the stigma the rest of our lives? I don't get it. I have no desire to pop another pill. All through the 18 months of chemo, I was told, you get through it and then you put it behind you and go back to living. So why do we limit ourselves by continuing to call ourselves addicts? I don't say I have cancer, I say I HAD cancer. I am not saying aftercare is not important, of COURSE it is. I'm asking why we are taught to call addiction a disease, like an incurable one. If I had used that mentality with cancer, I'd be dead now. I firmly believe that. I overcame so many complications that should have killed me, because I refused to give up.
I think calling ourselves addicts is only short-selling ourselves. We WERE addicts. Not anymore. I'm not going to call myself that. Ever!
You are whatever you believe you are.
Now I'm going to sit over here under cover while the shitstorm comes down on me for saying it...lol.
Hi Medic 09 I'm a LPN and I know what you are saying you wrote my thoughts down. I still can't get over being labeled as an addict it makes me just want to use because once you tell someone that you have an addiction to YOUR OWN PRESCRIBED PILLS people get weird on you. They don't treat you the same. So its better to not tell anyone anything which is hard to do. So I understand where your coming from
I appreciate everyone's comments and stories. I will try and come back now and again to let you all know how it goes. The medical professionals who are helping me all say, "you will get through this, you will come back to work and you will be better for it". And I want to believe them. I can be anything I want to be, including a person who can control my impulses. Thanks y'all!
Medic~You are still so early in your recoovery...it's natural for all these thoughts,feelings,and questions to pop up. It's also hard to figure out how to fix it. You're on the right track as far as going to meetings etc...But,as someone who cares,
I have to tell you that being clean is not necessarily" being in control". There's a huge distinction there. I know you don't see it now,but you will. I consider myself as having been addicted. I am not currently addicted.Therefore,in my mind,I am not an addict. I
learned the hard way that aftercare,support,honesty was of the utmost importance to
my mental health. I don't dwell on my addiction BUT I will never forget it. That
would be impossible for me...
I'm going to take a wild guess here and suggest that MAYBE you're having a hard time with the terms:addicted,addict,disease,forever etc..because you are a health care
provider. Those are terms that just go against the grain,huh? I understand that,also.
And,also,you put it beautifully when you said you couldn't fight something knowing it already defeated you..."It" defeated you before ,not now. Now,you are winning!
Keep an open mind and stay strong~
Vicki xo
I have to tell you that being clean is not necessarily" being in control". There's a huge distinction there. I know you don't see it now,but you will. I consider myself as having been addicted. I am not currently addicted.Therefore,in my mind,I am not an addict. I
learned the hard way that aftercare,support,honesty was of the utmost importance to
my mental health. I don't dwell on my addiction BUT I will never forget it. That
would be impossible for me...
I'm going to take a wild guess here and suggest that MAYBE you're having a hard time with the terms:addicted,addict,disease,forever etc..because you are a health care
provider. Those are terms that just go against the grain,huh? I understand that,also.
And,also,you put it beautifully when you said you couldn't fight something knowing it already defeated you..."It" defeated you before ,not now. Now,you are winning!
Keep an open mind and stay strong~
Vicki xo
I am not trying to convince you of anything, but you sound just like me about a year and half ago. When we are clean, we have the option to control our own destiny, you are very correct about that.
Recovery, however, is not abstinence. Don't get me wrong, I know personally of a man who stayed clean and sober for over 15 years practicing straight, white knuckled, abstinence. To me, living a life of strictly abstinence would be pointless, like you were saying. I had to get out of my comfort zone, admit that I was an addict, and surrender my life as I had been living it. Only after cleaning up the wreckage of my past instead of ignoring it, did I find the relief that I truly wanted. Working the steps makes it so that even though I call myself an addict, and know that I will forever have this condition, it in no way cheapens me as a person. It merely identifies that I have this disease, and for the rest of my life I will either be a recovering addict, a "dry drunk", or in active addiction.
Today, I am a recovering addict. The part that effects my life today is RECOVERING! The fact that you can understand that you can never have pain pills or your DOC at your disposal ever again should be descriptive enough to say that this is a life long disease. I know if I ever had a big bottle of oxy, even after 30 years of sobriety somewhere down the line, I would not be able to take them as directed, and even if I did, I would be in mental agony trying to keep myself from downing the whole bottle.
I'll speak for myself and say that I personally don't care (not in a mean way) how you choose to identify yourself throughout your life. As long as you are happy with where you are, and believe me, a week sober is awesome, then you call yourself whatever you want.
Recovery, however, is not abstinence. Don't get me wrong, I know personally of a man who stayed clean and sober for over 15 years practicing straight, white knuckled, abstinence. To me, living a life of strictly abstinence would be pointless, like you were saying. I had to get out of my comfort zone, admit that I was an addict, and surrender my life as I had been living it. Only after cleaning up the wreckage of my past instead of ignoring it, did I find the relief that I truly wanted. Working the steps makes it so that even though I call myself an addict, and know that I will forever have this condition, it in no way cheapens me as a person. It merely identifies that I have this disease, and for the rest of my life I will either be a recovering addict, a "dry drunk", or in active addiction.
Today, I am a recovering addict. The part that effects my life today is RECOVERING! The fact that you can understand that you can never have pain pills or your DOC at your disposal ever again should be descriptive enough to say that this is a life long disease. I know if I ever had a big bottle of oxy, even after 30 years of sobriety somewhere down the line, I would not be able to take them as directed, and even if I did, I would be in mental agony trying to keep myself from downing the whole bottle.
I'll speak for myself and say that I personally don't care (not in a mean way) how you choose to identify yourself throughout your life. As long as you are happy with where you are, and believe me, a week sober is awesome, then you call yourself whatever you want.
I am aware i am an addict but as Imccoy said I don't dwell on it only the closest people know .The important thingl is I know .I am in recovery but with addiction it only takes one pill to set relapse back in motion .
See I feel the opposite as vicki not keeping it freshly in my head that I am indeed an addict opens me put to to relapse which will effect both my mental health and my physical health very negatively .As Vicki knows its very easy that we can slip and relapse . Everyone is different you need to deal with it which ever way suits you .
See I feel the opposite as vicki not keeping it freshly in my head that I am indeed an addict opens me put to to relapse which will effect both my mental health and my physical health very negatively .As Vicki knows its very easy that we can slip and relapse . Everyone is different you need to deal with it which ever way suits you .
Hi
I may be missing what you are trying to say also, but just a few things to think about. I jokingly call myself a non-practicing alcoholic. I am chosing not to imbibe something that will be very bad for me. I have no real problem saying I am an alcoholic, or for that matter that I am addicted to opiates, but the focus dosn't always have to be negative or doom and gloom. When I used to go to AA most often I never enjoyed it, but I would alway s feel better when I left and I KNOW it was vital to staying sober.(23 yrs. now) Personally I have lived with my dirty laundry and do not want to keep my focus on it or discuss it unless it has value to a particular person. I do spend my time at meetings sharing my happyness at the positive changes I am working on. Often I will just pass on sharing. Thats ok to. If you can get comfortable at aa or na it will be there when you need it, and at some time you will. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE, BEAT YOURSELF IN PUBLIC OR DWELL ON YOUR EMBARASSMENTS OR FALURES. From the moment you take action to do the right thing that can be what you chose to talk about and focus on. You will find a way through this that will work for you. I had a lot of the same questions and problems you do, just keep looking for the parts that work for you and remember that listening and learning is enough some days. Things that are not very appealing today may make alot of sense to you another day. I have a great big parrot on my lap trying to help type and its making it hard to think or type. Hope this makes some sense to you. Keep up the good work.
I may be missing what you are trying to say also, but just a few things to think about. I jokingly call myself a non-practicing alcoholic. I am chosing not to imbibe something that will be very bad for me. I have no real problem saying I am an alcoholic, or for that matter that I am addicted to opiates, but the focus dosn't always have to be negative or doom and gloom. When I used to go to AA most often I never enjoyed it, but I would alway s feel better when I left and I KNOW it was vital to staying sober.(23 yrs. now) Personally I have lived with my dirty laundry and do not want to keep my focus on it or discuss it unless it has value to a particular person. I do spend my time at meetings sharing my happyness at the positive changes I am working on. Often I will just pass on sharing. Thats ok to. If you can get comfortable at aa or na it will be there when you need it, and at some time you will. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE, BEAT YOURSELF IN PUBLIC OR DWELL ON YOUR EMBARASSMENTS OR FALURES. From the moment you take action to do the right thing that can be what you chose to talk about and focus on. You will find a way through this that will work for you. I had a lot of the same questions and problems you do, just keep looking for the parts that work for you and remember that listening and learning is enough some days. Things that are not very appealing today may make alot of sense to you another day. I have a great big parrot on my lap trying to help type and its making it hard to think or type. Hope this makes some sense to you. Keep up the good work.
Oh geez. I am not by any means refering to addicts as losers. And I never said I wasn't an addict.
I am surrounded by good people, but not nice things. I lost my job and home because of this. What will happen if I need pain meds again? Heck, I need them now, but the first thing I realized when I started tapering was, pain will not kill me and the drugs will. When I need more surgery (and I will) my drs will not withhold narcotics in hospital. I just can't take them home with me unless someone else is dispensing. I know all the studies and how the brain chemistry works, I do. What I am saying is, its not out of our control. If you're clean, you're in control. The reality is it is harder for us than someone who has never been addicted. I am not disagreeing with anyone about the process, etc. I knew voicing this would make me misunderstood, but I had to. I don't care about labels. I care about my quality of life. And for me, I cannot fight something and believe it has already defeated me. Defeat is death. And I'm still alive!
Thanks vicki, for understanding!
I am surrounded by good people, but not nice things. I lost my job and home because of this. What will happen if I need pain meds again? Heck, I need them now, but the first thing I realized when I started tapering was, pain will not kill me and the drugs will. When I need more surgery (and I will) my drs will not withhold narcotics in hospital. I just can't take them home with me unless someone else is dispensing. I know all the studies and how the brain chemistry works, I do. What I am saying is, its not out of our control. If you're clean, you're in control. The reality is it is harder for us than someone who has never been addicted. I am not disagreeing with anyone about the process, etc. I knew voicing this would make me misunderstood, but I had to. I don't care about labels. I care about my quality of life. And for me, I cannot fight something and believe it has already defeated me. Defeat is death. And I'm still alive!
Thanks vicki, for understanding!
I understand what you are saying, but none of this has to do with your character as a person. If what you are trying to wrap your head around is, "why am I being lumped in together with all these losers, I have nothing in common with them"? Well you're probably right in a lot of ways, but the most important factor of why you are where you are is the fact that you're an addict. Have you accepted that? Maybe you are not, only you can decide. Do you think you're the only one with nice things around them that's affected by this?
No I dont belive addiction is cureable ... what will happens the next time you need pain meds do you think you wont abuse them ?
Addiction isn't exactly like cancer in the way that you can get rid of it. It's a medical explanation, not a negative view. Once a person crosses the line into addiction, their pleasure centers in their brains are changed and never go back to the way it was before. The pleasure centers in a non-addicted brain are more closed (look like a rose bud). Once we become addicted, the pleasure centers are opened (like the rose bud has bloomed) and they don't go back. The disease concept has been medically proved by brain imaging and brain chemistry analysis.
With that being said, I have been clean and sober just 1 day short of a year. I don't have cravings or urges anymore and I have worked the 12 steps of NA and AA and my life is amazing in a way that I've never known. I don't consider myself cured, because my condition is something I have to monitor daily and take the necessary action through aftercare to make sure that I don't fall back into active addiction. I definitly do not have any control over drugs, because if I try to take them again, it will send me back to hell.
As the big book of AA says, "We are not a glum lot"! Just because we have this condition doesn't mean we have to feel defeated. If anything it makes us feel better because we know we are doing what we need to do to beat an incurable disease
With that being said, I have been clean and sober just 1 day short of a year. I don't have cravings or urges anymore and I have worked the 12 steps of NA and AA and my life is amazing in a way that I've never known. I don't consider myself cured, because my condition is something I have to monitor daily and take the necessary action through aftercare to make sure that I don't fall back into active addiction. I definitly do not have any control over drugs, because if I try to take them again, it will send me back to hell.
As the big book of AA says, "We are not a glum lot"! Just because we have this condition doesn't mean we have to feel defeated. If anything it makes us feel better because we know we are doing what we need to do to beat an incurable disease
Medic~ You do make a point here. Don't let the "labels" get you down,though. Addiction is personal and we all have different feelings. As you,I like to think that I WAS an addict. I'm in recovery and getting treatment. I feel just fine. For me,if I kept telling myself everyday that I am and will always be an addict,it would be detrimental to MY mental health. That's just me. I like to tell myself I'm well! At the same time,I'm
cognizant of the fact that I used to take pills and can never take them again. That will
always be there...
I think,in time,as you get more time behind you,you will feel less guilt and shame. Those
feelings are quite normal;they mean you recognized a problem. So,I say,whatever works for YOU! As long as you are on the road to getting this part of your life behind you...it's all good!
And...speaking of labels...I've,also,had cancer. Twice. Now I get labeled a "cancer survivor". This is not who I am nor do I want it to define me. I have never worn my cancer history on my sleeve and,frankly,don't like to be reminded of it. That was then and this is now! Yes,I survived. I had wonderful medical care! Others worked hard to get me well...I didn't have to do a thing but show up for appts.! Geez!!
So,you be well,get out from under the covers and enjoy yourself!!
Let the sh*tstorm begin !!
Vicki xo
cognizant of the fact that I used to take pills and can never take them again. That will
always be there...
I think,in time,as you get more time behind you,you will feel less guilt and shame. Those
feelings are quite normal;they mean you recognized a problem. So,I say,whatever works for YOU! As long as you are on the road to getting this part of your life behind you...it's all good!
And...speaking of labels...I've,also,had cancer. Twice. Now I get labeled a "cancer survivor". This is not who I am nor do I want it to define me. I have never worn my cancer history on my sleeve and,frankly,don't like to be reminded of it. That was then and this is now! Yes,I survived. I had wonderful medical care! Others worked hard to get me well...I didn't have to do a thing but show up for appts.! Geez!!
So,you be well,get out from under the covers and enjoy yourself!!
Let the sh*tstorm begin !!
Vicki xo
In answer to some of the questions...I have only been off the oxy for a week. I am under no illusions that I am out of the woods. I know recovery takes a while (different for everyone) and there is always the danger of relapse. I have been talking about my feelings in counseling, etc, perhaps I wasn't clear enough about what bothers me - its not the talking about my abuse, its the pushing of the mentality "you will be this the rest of your life" talk that I am taking issue with. it just doesn't make sense. Your mind is a powerful thing - as we all know the drugs can use it against us. But we just have to get back in charge! And we can! For good!
Thank you Sara for the encouragement - it feels so much better!
If I'm supposed to believe I'm an addict forever, then why even try? No thank you. I want to use this experience to grow and learn and hopefully be an even better healthcare provider than I was before. Don't tell me I can never be free. I will be.
Thank you Sara for the encouragement - it feels so much better!
If I'm supposed to believe I'm an addict forever, then why even try? No thank you. I want to use this experience to grow and learn and hopefully be an even better healthcare provider than I was before. Don't tell me I can never be free. I will be.
I know I have had the same feelings about the label addict. It has made me angry and depressed because I wanted it over/fixed NOW.
After stopping opiates a lot of feelings are brought to the surface. Depression can be an issue during this time. It also might be that you don't like the label of being an "addict" and don't feel you deserve this after all you have been through.
During the time you have been treated for cancer you had the pills to numb feelings. Now you don't have anything to take the mental pain away and have to face things head on which is hard.
Congratulations on your courage and getting off the pills!
Drew
After stopping opiates a lot of feelings are brought to the surface. Depression can be an issue during this time. It also might be that you don't like the label of being an "addict" and don't feel you deserve this after all you have been through.
During the time you have been treated for cancer you had the pills to numb feelings. Now you don't have anything to take the mental pain away and have to face things head on which is hard.
Congratulations on your courage and getting off the pills!
Drew
COMMUNITY LEADER
No i wont ever be cured of this addiction.....it will always be there lurking in my brain but i am recovering so that is a huge positive thing in my life.......sara
I am not in remission, I am cancer-free. There is a difference. Of course it can come back, I have no control over that. But I DO have control over using drugs. I am in aftercare to insure I do all the right steps, I have a counselor, drs, family and amazing friends who are all going to be there all the way for me. I'm not sure if anyone understands what I am trying to say. I am not denying I abused drugs. What I am denying is that is who I am. Because it is not.
Every human has addiction potential. Are we all addicts by default then? No. If you keep going back to it, then yeah, you're still addicted. Only time will tell if I have enough self-control to stay the course. If I never use again, am I still an addict? Til I die? Come on.
Here is what I am: an intelligent, accomplished, happy human SURVIVOR. As far as I'm concerned this will just be another on my list of "things that can kill me," not my list of "things I cannot change."
Where is the positive thinking? Doesn't anyone believe they can be cured?
Every human has addiction potential. Are we all addicts by default then? No. If you keep going back to it, then yeah, you're still addicted. Only time will tell if I have enough self-control to stay the course. If I never use again, am I still an addict? Til I die? Come on.
Here is what I am: an intelligent, accomplished, happy human SURVIVOR. As far as I'm concerned this will just be another on my list of "things that can kill me," not my list of "things I cannot change."
Where is the positive thinking? Doesn't anyone believe they can be cured?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I consider myself a recovering addict as i know that my addiction can grab me at anytime so i have to keep my guard up always. As for the disease part, i am not fully convinced that it is(i will be waiting for the sh!tstorm too!!) The feelings you feel when you talk about using is very common. The shame and guilt need to be dealt with. That is why we talk about recovery care. You have overcome a great obstacle with cancer and now have gotten clean too. You will get more comfortable with yourself in time. These feelings dont go away overnight. Dont run and hide, talk about the shame and guilt you feel. You are doing great so keep it going........sara
Because thats what we are are we are addicts when we forget it is when we put ourselves in danger of relapse .Relapse for an addict has the potential of being as deadly as some cancers are .
How long have you been off the drugs?In the beginning many people have no desire to use its with time when the memory of withdrawal fade and stress gets higher.We start having thoughts of using and addicts are great at convincing ourselves this time it might be diffrent. We wont abuse the meds. If we are not getting recoverycare it is very easy for an addict to go back to using .Make no mistake every time one does they are one step closer to dieing.
How long have you been off the drugs?In the beginning many people have no desire to use its with time when the memory of withdrawal fade and stress gets higher.We start having thoughts of using and addicts are great at convincing ourselves this time it might be diffrent. We wont abuse the meds. If we are not getting recoverycare it is very easy for an addict to go back to using .Make no mistake every time one does they are one step closer to dieing.
It could be cuz you are in denial. Yes you had cancer n if it is in remission u still have it n it can rear its head at any time. Same with addiction. If you have cancer n they say radiation will bring u into remission wouldn't u take treatment? Same with aftercare. It is your BEST shot at beating addiction. Good luck to u on your journey
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