I think I see the light

It's the end of day three off of oxys.  This forum has been a God-send. Thank you to everyone who wrote me.  I still feel pretty horrible, but I see the light. The withdrawal ...and it's not over yet....has been "not fun" to understate.  But, well worth it. I just pray that when I feel better I can go without.  That's the trickiest part... STAYING CLEAN.   I truly scared myself badly this time, by blowing though 120 30 mg. oxys in a few days.   My God!  I feel so horrified.  I'd truly never want anyone I love to do this to themselves.  I guess I'm starting to love myself a little. I find it easier to be loving to the strangers on this site. Though, I don't really feel any of you are strangers... you are all just like me.   I just pray for the strength to keep this line of thought up.  I will have to go to NA for the first time. I'm well acquainted with AA and have been for more than half my life. It's the only way I stopped drinking.  Everyone thinks I'm "taking my pills as described" at least until this point.  So no one knows I've totally messed up my sobriety.  I even practiced the deception with my sponsor and fiancee.  I got so scared of myself, I told them that I flushed the remaining pills down the toilet ...except for one which I put in a pill cutter and quartered and gave it to my fiancee.  It's day three and I still haven't asked for it to relieve the symptoms.  For that, I'm grateful.  It just about killed me to give it to him...but I was terrified I might have seizures or something during withdrawal that I FORCED  myself to hand it over.  I'm glad I did. It's truly a miracle that I haven't asked for it.  Part of me is afraid too, as I don't want to have nothing in the house in case it gets REALLY bad.  (to say it hasn't been really bad isn't true.)So, I told my sponsor I'd flushed the remaining pills (I couldn't admit I was actually out so soon!)  and decided to quit cold turkey and to watch out.. that it would be hard for the next few days.  My sponsor told me to check in every day and I've been doing that.  My fiancee is "so proud of me" for stopping despite the fact that I'm still in the physical pain the accident that broke almost all of my ribs caused.  I hate myself for lying...but wasn't and still am not ready to admit what I was doing. I'm just glad I found a way to get myself out of this.  We are masters at many things.  Quitting and STAYING stopped isn't one of them.  But I want to. I want a free and truthful life.  I hope I get honest at some point. But at least I'm finally free of the blue devils. Those oxy 30's.  Now, I pray one day I can get honest.  The shame is really getting to me.  But the withdrawal is right now overshadowing that.  I guess I can start thinking about NA now. When I first came to AA as a teen, I'd never done drugs.  Not so now.  I can't believe I'm such a drug addict as well as an alcoholic. Good Lord, I never was raised for this.  I was always given the best of everything.  It seems nothing was enough. Well, I've had enough now... God Willing.

[gnarly_1]

HI.....good to see you post and your attitude has improved you must be feeling a little better
as I tell everybody attitude is everything in means the difference of being uncomfortable or suffering....you may have one more day of this but some people come out on day 4 others its day 5 but you will come out of this.....im so happy to here your going to go to N/A it will make all the difference A/A works for a lot of our members also so dont write it off theirs plenty of addicts at A/A meetings I was one of them....I just wanted to take a minute to encourage you to push past the ruff parts do your best to deal with no sleep and remember a hot soak goes a long way in releaving the symptoms keep posting to keep us up to dat good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[QRSED]

I am truly happy for you. I admire what you did and hope I have the strength to make it to day three.  I finished my last oxy about 3 hours ago and I am dreading what is sure to come tomorrow morning.  I have to do this though because this is not a way to live life.  In my mind I am done but we all know how quickly that can change when the WD's set in. Please pray for me as I too am praying for you to stay clean.  Wish me luck and god bless.

[gnarly_1]

HI.....good to see you post and your attitude has improved you must be feeling a little better
as I tell everybody attitude is everything in means the difference of being uncomfortable or suffering....you may have one more day of this but some people come out on day 4 others its day 5 but you will come out of this.....im so happy to here your going to go to N/A it will make all the difference A/A works for a lot of our members also so dont write it off theirs plenty of addicts at A/A meetings I was one of them....I just wanted to take a minute to encourage you to push past the ruff parts do your best to deal with no sleep and remember a hot soak goes a long way in releaving the symptoms keep posting to keep us up to dat good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[quitinoxys]

Wantoutofhell---Congrats on day 3 it will start to get better soon. You sound like you have a plan for your sobriety and that will make all the difference in the world. I wish you success in your journey to sobriety. God Bless---Rick

QRSED---Tomorrow you may experience w/d but you will also experience command and control over the rest of your life so keep going and I will be praying for you. God Bless---Rick

[wantoutofhell]

GOD BLESS YOU GUYS. Every single one of you! I can't thank you enough for helping me get to the end of day 3.  Seriously, I want the best for every one of you.  Stay strong.  I'll keep you all in my prayers.  One day ... only one day at a time.. I can do that.  If I really think of it that way, I'll be okay. Forever, seems way too long.  We can do anything for a day. (except not breathe!) God bless!