Aa
I thought I'd made it
- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.
How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!
Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?
How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!
Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I WISH I *could* say they made me feel bad... but they didn't. It was wonderful. Energizing. All the good things that got me hooked in the 1st place.
Nevertheless, I want to be pill-free. The 10 were just enough to give me the good stuff without enough of the bad and the longer term issues... at least I realize that. Today is going on day 4 clean again - I was extremely lucky to only have about a day of mild detox symptoms. I'm restless and tired, but it's not overwhelming. And it's about to be my time of the month, so those symptoms are to be expected anyway. Heh, so maybe I don't have any detox symptoms at all.
Either way. I do want to be free of this disease. I figure I'm in for more cravings and I think I'll always WANT to be using. I need more of that patience you speak of Julie. :-)
It's funny in a not funny way. I expected myself to be mad-pill-craving when I had to put in all the extra hours and was insane at work. But it wasn't until the weekend and I had time to take a breath that I fell down. I guess I just really need to keep myself very, very busy. How exhausting. Especially when I don't have the desire or energy to begin with.
What a vicious cycle.
On top of the use, my other addictive behaviors are screaming for attention. I've gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least four times in the last year. I'm in the gain stage now and I can't seem to shut my mouth. I'm spending more than usual on lottery tickets. It's not out of control, but it's unusual. I used to be an exercise freak, but that's the one addictive behavior that ran out on me - I WISH I had the energy and desire to take that back up. I find myself buying things I don't need. Luckily, I can afford a few splurges - but it all seems like a pattern to me. It all says I'm not in control of myself. I'm sure most people feel the same way if they're like this, but I hate it. I'm a control-freak about most things, so it's an extremely uncomfortable realization.
Sorry for the ramble. I should be working. And I'm slacking off. That's something else that is unusual. I'm a workaholic that's lost her mo jo. What an awful, crazy, sad ride.
Nevertheless, I want to be pill-free. The 10 were just enough to give me the good stuff without enough of the bad and the longer term issues... at least I realize that. Today is going on day 4 clean again - I was extremely lucky to only have about a day of mild detox symptoms. I'm restless and tired, but it's not overwhelming. And it's about to be my time of the month, so those symptoms are to be expected anyway. Heh, so maybe I don't have any detox symptoms at all.
Either way. I do want to be free of this disease. I figure I'm in for more cravings and I think I'll always WANT to be using. I need more of that patience you speak of Julie. :-)
It's funny in a not funny way. I expected myself to be mad-pill-craving when I had to put in all the extra hours and was insane at work. But it wasn't until the weekend and I had time to take a breath that I fell down. I guess I just really need to keep myself very, very busy. How exhausting. Especially when I don't have the desire or energy to begin with.
What a vicious cycle.
On top of the use, my other addictive behaviors are screaming for attention. I've gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least four times in the last year. I'm in the gain stage now and I can't seem to shut my mouth. I'm spending more than usual on lottery tickets. It's not out of control, but it's unusual. I used to be an exercise freak, but that's the one addictive behavior that ran out on me - I WISH I had the energy and desire to take that back up. I find myself buying things I don't need. Luckily, I can afford a few splurges - but it all seems like a pattern to me. It all says I'm not in control of myself. I'm sure most people feel the same way if they're like this, but I hate it. I'm a control-freak about most things, so it's an extremely uncomfortable realization.
Sorry for the ramble. I should be working. And I'm slacking off. That's something else that is unusual. I'm a workaholic that's lost her mo jo. What an awful, crazy, sad ride.
Aw well don't beat yourself up honey, we are all human, just dust your self off & do it for good this time! Now that you know how bad you feel for taking them, just remember that next time! It will help push you! It's not worth it. I still, 36 days in, am lacking energy, but I know the day will come when my normalcy is back. We didnt aquire this addiction in a few days, so it wont go away quickly, it takes patience. Keep your head up! Julie
Resetting my ticker... you know what that means.
10 Vicodin sought out and taken last weekend.
10 Vicodin sought out and taken last weekend.
hang in there try to get your mind off the pills exorsize go for a walk I know its hot out but even around the block might help.....turn up ther music and go on a cleaning spree you need to get out of the idle mode here YOU CAN DO THIS just dont give in its times like this that they invented aftercare for......get that book and start reading!!!!...........Gnarly
Checking in sooner is now - 'cause I AM TEMPTED as heII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. From nowhere: was doing fine, then BLAM! It's like being back on day 5 or 6 - all I can think about is how much less bored/irritable/tired I'd be if I just found a pills and popped them. Holy crap!
YOU DID great under stress now come idle time this is when your head can mess with you remember GUARD UP......your going to be fine just dont grow complacent get a good book on addiction and start to read it knowledge is a powerful tool hang in there and congrats on your clean time.......Gnarly
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