IMPAIRED HEALTH PROFESSIONALS?

[sissy101]

This is my story.  Yes, I can say I'm addicted to opiates, but the strange thing is that it's just when I work.  When I'm not at work, I really have no desire!  I don't "drug seek" aka going to MD's for prescriptions, etc.  I don't go through withdrawals, I guess you could say its "recreational" use.  However, this is my livlihood so of course its a dangerous situation.  I have not gone to NA or anything, I was just wondering if anyone here had an opinion as to why this is with me.  There have been times when I have not worked for months and months and still I didn't "drug seek".  I just don't get it.  I have been reading a lot of posts on this forum recently and I admire so many of you who have gone through such hard times- physically and mentally.  I'd love some opinions on this.  Thanks.  RNinPA.

[skipper]

sissy101:
welcome to the forum! there will always be room for just one more
junky here, so come on in. i find your story about only taking
drugs at work an intresting one. as i believe hippy pointed out
earlyer, everything in addiction is subject to change. i wonder
where your drug intake will be a year from now? how are you diverting the drugs you steal? what will you do if you ever actually need an opiate pain killer? what you are doing to your patients, doesn't that bother you? i do not wish to judge you, but a while back a good friend died of a terminal condition in a hospital. although it could never be proven, i think this friends morphine was being watered down by a nurse charged with his care. i wasn't the only person who suspected this nurse. as i said, i do not wish to judge you, but the fact that you only do drugs at work isn't even mildly intresting. what does concern me is someone who might actually need narcotic pain relief isn't getting it. our society treats some one who embezzles money from a bank differently than an armed robber, or night-time thief. to embezzle is some-how less of a crime. i can't speak for anyone else, but the white collar embezzler is just as much a thief as a person who sticks a gun in a bank teller's face. perhaps even
more of one, when you factor in the violation of the public's
trust.

a couple of years ago i attended an NA meeting. at this meeting
there was the usual group of people with cards to be signed. when
one of these people (with a card to be signed) was asked to share
her expierence she did. she was a RN fulfilling her obligation to
the state liscense review board and the court system. she told
her story with difficulty. i would have been sympathetic, except
her dificulty was the trouble she had telling the story and
laughing about it. i can't speak for anyone else, but her atti-
tude didn't do much for me the next time i was in a hospital.
this poor woman just couldn't (or wouldn't) grasp the fact that
the violation of trust was far more serious (at least to me) than
the diversion and theft of drugs. what even scared me more was
her statement that she only had "48 more meetings to go to before she was home free, whatever that ment... for what ever it is worth i will pray for her and you, as i don't know what else
to do for you....

everyone:
got in real late last night. the pharmacy that filled the Rx of
hydro-c (HyVee) was closed. i will try to talk to the pharmacist
today. i hope i can provide mrmichel and jessesarpy the name of
the manufacture of the preperation i recieved. i hope i was in-
deed corect, as ther is a huge need for a Rx prep. that is just
hydro-c and nothing else. all i really remember is that hydro-c
wasn't doing much for me at the time. at any rate i'm as curious
as the rest of you people, so i will look into it and get back to
you folks asap.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[alexandra_r]

Although I do agree with skipper that taking drugs from people who need it is really bad--I might have done this same thing about 2 weeks ago.  I posted a comment that I had gone to look at a house and looked in the medicine cabinet.  I took some of the person's xanax because I wanted to help my w/d from vicodins--I felt terrible about it and still do.  The point is--that as addicts, we don't have control over what we do.  That's what makes addiction so terrible.  When I was addicted to heroin 10+ years ago, I did things that I would _never_ do today.  I stole from people I loved, I lied to everyone, I conned people and I sold myself for money so I could get a fix.  While my addiction today (vicodins prescribed by 1 doc) has not taken me to the same kind of desperation that heroin did, I still have done things (like taking those xanax) that I would never do if I wasn't going through w/d.  

I remember when I was having a bout with crack--I knew a woman who was pregnant with twins and she was in LABOR and would not put down the crack pipe.  I couldn't believe it--but, that's what addiction does.   She ended up giving birth on the floor of a crack house and god only knows what happens to those poor twins.

I know that I (personally) must be tolerant of others because I have f***ed up so much in my own life.  I hope that Sissy finds the help she needs so that she won't hurt herself or others and I wish the same for every addict in the world (we all suffer and we all hurt ourselves and others).

Peace
Alexandra

[I'm Done]

I really appreciate the feeedback you guys have given to me so far. Yesterday I did 2 10/325's around noon (from wake up to noon was hell), 2 around 5pm and then, ahem, I "rewarded" myself last night w/ 7 (70mgs). I could feel NO effect of the 7 pills, so I basically wasted them. I was kicking myself for doing it but I am not giving up! I am only on like day 5 of this and it sure is an uphill battle! Today so far I took some in the morning (5 or 50mg's) and I just took 1 more at 3pm, tonight I will try to take only 2-3 pills before going to bed. Nighttime is terrible and I do not know if that little will hold me all night. I will probably put 2 pills at the bedside in case I wake up wiggling my brains out at 4am. I am a little pissed at myself for taking 8 last night, do you think I set myself back at all by doing that? My goal is to rush down to under 100mg of hydro. a day and suffer the consequences of the speedly taper, then to even it out, slow it down as suggested. I knew you all would tell me I was doing this too fast and you are so right. I think I am going to havea lapse of refills for a week or so because I took too many a few weeks ago. That is why I was trying to QUICKLY get down to a more manageable level. If I did not, then I would be going cold turkey in about 5 days. Since spreading these out, although painful, I have turned by bottle into a magical 10-15 days worth because I am taking so much less. That extra time will get me through to the next refill.  one of the mistakes I made when "new" to my addiction was gobbling down pills without counting and considering the math. So I would get down to the bottom and then realize I had 5 FULL DAYS WITH NO PILLS at this rate! And I would then feel so stupid (and out of control). That is what sent me over the edge and has MADE me want to quit. I am seeing how OUT OF CONTROL I am! I want to nip this now and not wait several years to do it. My only fear is that I will run dry of pills during my tapering, in that case I do not know what I'll do. I suppose I could call my local doctor and admit my problem and ask for his help. I have NO CLUE if he'd be willing to help or not. I REALLY appreciate the help so far, this message board is a Godsend to me. Thanks for the "recipe" and I will continue fighting. The advice from all of you has collectively helped a ton. Even Nod's most recent post was a big help this morning when I read it. It's nice to know I am not alone and get help from those who have made the same mistakes that I have (and learn from them).

I'll continue posting...

I'm Done

ps. If anyone thinks of anything else I should know, please post!

[sissy101]

Wow- my first emotion after reading your comments was anger.  First off, you made an awful lot of assumptions there- and that in itself is pretty surprising.  I have NEVER denied a patient pain medication.  My Mother died an agonizing death with bone cancer and I know the pain meds that she needed just to make it through the day- I would never do that to someone else's mother or father, etc. You obviously have issues with health care workers, and thats fine, as long as you realize that.  But I do have a question for you- exactly how did you get all those Vicoden?  Strictly legal?  Never lied?  I highly doubt it.  I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic so I have attended meetings with him and have come to realize that the greatest thing about those recovery meetings are how everyone is in the same boat.  Judgements are left at the door.  Shouldn't it be the same here?

[skipper]

i'm sorry you took my concerns and comments in a angry way. in the post in question, i sais i did not wish to judge you. all that hydro-c, the oxy, and whatever else recently was from a neuro-surgeon and pain doctor. in the last 2 years i've had 2 surgerys on my spine at the c4/c5- c5/c6 level.

now 25 years ago it was a different story...i supported an oil-
burning junk habit by doing B&E on drugstores and clinics. i stole a lot of drugs from drugstores and clicics! where and how do you "obtain" the drugs "you only do at work." see when i was doing B&E's on drugstores and clinics, i went long enough that i thought i would never get caught....i got caught. i paid my debt to society for it, did you?

you know the main concern i have you didn't even answer - what are you going to do if you ever really need an opiate pain killer? it's one of the things i wish i would have thought about myself...now i'm finding out the hard way. i hope you never have to answer that question.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[mrmichael67]

They can compound capsules with only hydrocodone in them.  I talked to a pharmacist and he said that they only add a filler and can make them in any strength the doctor wishes.