I'm Sorry

[hiskidd]

Hi guys - I'm on day 2 again after relapsing for 2-3 months. Two 30mg pills per day. I feel so sick, and it makes me feel like I should just keep taking the pills. I don't see light at the end of the road anymore. I'm scared to death, and even embarrassed to go back on the website.

I'm hurting. There is no other way to say it.

david

[atthebeach]

david,
good call on postponing the surgery. aftercare is a means to being a recovering addict and not an active onel. yes accountability is part of it. you could council with your pastor on a weekly basis, have an elder to help support you,pray with you. a counselor to get to the bottom of this and the reasons you continue to use. you were honest about your childhood to us and that is going to help with your healing. you need to get those demons out of you and trample them under your feet. all your fears,worrys,anxietys,sadness,past mistakes,terrible memories, everything that continues to prompt you to use it under the blood of the lamb, claim it. you said you could lie when you counsel. well you could. but the honesty is part of the accountability. honest first with yourself and then others who will be trying to support you, encourage you,hold you up,pray for you.
i will continue to encourage you, reach out to you, pray for you, until you have a breakthrough. until you have victory over this.
enjoy your date with april.
yours in CHRIST
debbie

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, no one is gonna write you off cause you don't listen!  Don't talk crazy!!!!!!!!!!  We wouldn't do that ok?  

Now.....try the free counseling.  Anything is better than continual relapse, right?  Try it.  You might be amazed at how much help it really is.

I'm still here when you need me! : )

[hiskidd]

Hey Trama and Sara. April and I talked, and I am going to postpone the surgery. She is due with our fourth baby on July 12th. I got laid off, but a generous man who used to go to our church decided to pay our COBRA health care through July so that April wouldn't have to consider inducing early since our benefits end June 30th.

Sara, I have the pills because of some "major" things like the surgery lingering in my mind. They are my crutch. My fall back. My addiction. I almost threw them all away today. I'll try and throw them away tomorrow (Tuesday). I'm not going to lie about having them, and I'm asking you not to "throw me away" by saying to yourself, "Well, if you're not going to do what it takes to truly get better, then we're not going to help you."

Please. I know there are lot of serious addicts on here, and I'm not asking to be stroked. I'm really close. I know it.

I'm getting on the treadmill now. I still don't know what my aftercare looks like. If I get rehired as a teacher for the fall (which I think I have a real good chance at), I think our district has some counseling options available. I also recently learned my university offers free counseling to students, but I'm a little apprehensive because many of the counselors are students who are looking to get into that profession. AGAIN, I wish someone would tell me what specifically to do for aftercare.

Okay. Treadmill, then taking April on a date.

With all the affection of an addict reaching his hand up with his head down,

david

[dominosarah]

You can get thru the vasectomy with ice and ibuprofen.  

NOW.......why do you have pills in your cabinet?

[LeaAnn807]

Hey David!  I just got on and saw this.  I'm sorry you are going through it again, but if it takes this to gain the strength to do it right, then so be it.  

Ok, so you need to put this surgery off in my opinion.  You have to flush those pills and get stronger and get some support in aftercare before you have surgery.  OR....you need to do it without the pills.  Just my opinion, not the gospel or anything, but I have lots of experience in relapsing, and lots of times it happened because of things like what you're going to do.  

Please, please do some aftercare.  You just HAVE to if you want to succeed.  I have been through some crazy health stuff over the last year, and the one thing that has helped me to stay off pills is support.  Not just family.  Not just medhelp.  Not willpower, although I think that all these things help.  You have to have a little more and some accountability!  It works.  Really!  Take it from a chronic relapser........I'm shooting you straight here.  You can do this.  Please give yourself a real chance to change and be better for yourself and that wonderful family of yours!

I'm cheering for ya!!!!!!! : )

[ImDONENoMore]

That's the addict talking in you David - you think you're going to be any different after the surgery and that you'll somehow be able to handle those meds?  Be serious David about your recovery and throw out the pills you now have in your house.  Can the vasectomy wait for a while until you're stronger?  There are other forms of birth control that you can use before you do have the surgery.  But to think you could do that now with your addiction in full-blown mode is unrealistic.  You have to change the way you THINK, it's not only about stopping the pills.  Give yourself a realistic chance here - and please know I don't mean this in a harsh way at all - I just want you to see that the way you're doing it isn't working and you HAVE to find a new way if you want to succeed with this.  I know you've read this a thousand times and that's because it's true - quitting is the easy part, staying off of them for good is the real battle.  And it can be won but you have to PREPARE for it.  No other way around it.