In need...

[zoe0111]

Never posted before, but read many other's responses. Couldn't help but join this chat based on my need to get help and/or control over my substance abuse. I recently got married to someone I NEVER want to lose, but I'm scared that our relationship is headed for disaster. We both come from our "party times" from younger years...but recently experienced cocaine together...not our first time...just together. We only "want/need" this drug when we're drinking...numerous times I've told him that I'm scared of this routine, as I've become reliant on the drug when drinking. When not drinking, I think nothing of it. It's like smoking a cigarette...those people who say..."I only smoke when I drink"...that was me...now I feel like I should say..."i only do cocaine when i drink." Anyways, I'm scared of losing the most important thing in my life to sustance abuse. I already lost a father to this - I WILL NOT lose my husband. I guess my overall question is - aside from counseling, is drinking out the question since this is the evil to all my/our problems? I'm not against sharing my concerns with a counselor (been there during the loss of my father and alcoholism), but more importantly, I just want to hear the truth - is it alcohol, cocaine, or what? Help.

[stilltrying1965]

Hi and welcome zoe i just joined 12 days ago and now 11 days heroin free. Youll get a lot of help here and gizzys your man about the coke. Iv took a lot of coke but as i said H is my drug of choice and the w/ds are a bit different but w/ds are w/ds and gizzys right you dont seem that deep YET try and stop NOW before it gets any worse. Gizzy can help you big time on this Heed his advice you seem a nice couple who can change this.Good Luck

[gizzy32]

Good to hear back from you. Almost everytime i did coke was the last time, i had swore that night I was done using and I meant it, but the next day i was picking up my 8 ball. If you are saying to yourself "once again" you are not ready to quit. I said that for 5 years, just once again will be ok. Cocaine becomes an obsession and leaves you with your brain making very little dopamine and after it's gone comes the crash, depression, 0 energy, paranoia and sometimes feeling like you have been hit like a truck, with cravings so strong it consumes you.  By reading your post it dosen't sound like coke has put it's evil claws into you yet, but that can change in a flash. Keep posting, we are here for support:)

Have you stopped using? How much do you use when you are together in a night?

[zoe0111]

I'm back. Thank you for the responses. I shared with my husband how I became a member to my first community forum ever - sad thing is, I'm in advertising and I sell "community forums" to my  clients but have never actually participated...the worse... this is my first....substance abuse. Or is it good - I guess it depends on how you look at it. Either way, your stories touch me...as do my friends negative experiences with substance abuse...yet, I still find myself talking my way into "once again"...another situation - that makse me feel like it's ok "this time....this is my last time..." How does a STUBBORN person allow another persons positive influences have an impact (make sense?)? I'm so manipulative as it is...it's my job as an advertising executive...now I'm using these ways on myself and I KNOW they are foolish, but I allow myself to listen then end up watching myself argue another alternative so that I can get what I want....so confusing, but this is what I go through with myself.

Regardless of the situation, it's nice to vent about something I'm suffering and have a support group - people who understand what I'm going through. My mentality isn't whether or not I'm worse or better than another addict....it's more about what I can control and what's controlling me...AND disrupting my life, goals, loved ones, etc.

[gizzy32]

Good posts kris. I hope she comes back on. ******* drugs:(  Kris you have come a long way, don't you forget that.

[kris123]

BTW, I am still paying off my dept from using it.  That include my accident where I almost lost my life, dr bills, insurance, credit cards ect...  My hard use was in 2003 and 2004, and now in 2009 i am still paying for it.  Maybe keep that in your mind - the money that is spent!!  That can go just as fast!!

[kris123]

I am a former user of coke.  Just as you, it was only here and there.  I think for women it is different.  I know that when I did it with my other half it was like I was closer to him, we had our in depth talks too while on it.  We would do what you do, it would only be here and there.  He was a drinker so that is when he did it.  It was only on the weekend and I thought oh this is just every once in a while.  Well for me I got lost in it.  One day out of the week turned into two then three.  One gram at a time turned into two and so on till I did 7+grams at a time and was up three days at a time.  You and him can get lost in it.  Like giz said you are not lost in it yet.  I am no longer with that person, but I did keep using the drug for a long time, years.  Yep, you may not think of it when you are sober, but if you think to yourself, humm maybe we can drink and do coke.  Then that is a sign.  I got so lost in it.  I went from 140 to about 115 in a matter of months.  I was not eating, almost lost my job, almost was charged with it, spent about $25000 + on it.  It is best to deal with it now because either you or him can be lost in it just like that.  You may to it with him to be close to him, but coke is a lier and it steals your joy.  If you want to pm me, please do.  I went from using with my boyfriend to using alone.  how sad is that :(

[10356]

I agree with Gizzy.. You both need to sit down and talk about it.. quietly and honestly.. Your biggest fear is loosing your husband.. The biggest threat to your marriage is the very thing you both are bringing into it.. Drinking 3 times a week is actually a lot.. Using coke 3 times a week is a addiction on a hook.. You have came to the right place for support.. I wish you well.. lesa

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum. I am also a cocaine addict and would like to offer some advice. I started just like you, I tried coke the first time completely wasted and on extasy. For the next little while i only did it when i was drinking and with my girlfriend. Coke made us closer, open up to each other and the sex was amazing. Soon we were doing it more and more and quickly i could not stop. What started out as a half gram went to doing it almost everyday and last time i used was 7 grams in 12 hours because i needed that much to get high. You will need more and more of this drug if addicted and you will start to have those horrible, painful crashes off it the next day with cravings you didnt` think it was possible to be that strong.

If you both continue this, you will lose him anyway and by the sounds of it, coke has not really got you yet since you only use when you drink, but it will, yes it will. Drinking is my # 1 trigger for coke, it sets something off and when you reach coke mode there is no turning back. I have talked to many women about this that used coke and they loved using with their partner, they thought it brought them closer, but in reality your killing your relationship.

You want to quit coke? Then you need to stop drinking cause this is what you said. "We only "want/need" this drug when we're drinking...numerous times I've told him that I'm scared of this routine, as I've become reliant on the drug when drinking. When not drinking, I think nothing of it.``    If you become reliant on this drug without the booze your in even bigger trouble. Trust me your not into deep yet, but if you don`t stop there is a darkness waiting that you don`t know exists and you are not ready for it. Please please get some support to quit, keep posting on here and NO MORE BOOZE. Right now your trigger is also your hubby so you both need to sit down and talk about this, your entire life and future depends on it, this is no joke. Feel free to send me a pm anytime,. i would like to help. good luck to you. COKE WILL KILL YOU FAST.

[CR_ST_NA]

it's not just the cocaine and alcohol.....IT'S ANYTHING THAT WILL GIVE YOU A HEAD CHANGE. that's the demon. why do we use to cover up, what are we covering up. those are the deeper issues. luv christina

[kim715]

You can trust us here.Check back in the morning.I'm sure you will get more feedback when others get here in a few hours.Sweet dreams hon......Kim

[zoe0111]

thank you again...FYI - it's 3 times a week...i know my personality and I'm a control freak - in addition, I've utilize "manipulation" to get my way...it's just awful. It sounds as though each of you have been there - thank you for the feedback. I'm off to bed, but will be back soon. I need people to talk to - can't trust anyone...

[kim715]

That makes perfect sense,and you're absolutely right,it's NOT worth it.You took a big step by reaching out.Time to stop it now,like sara and jt808 said it will grab a hold of you and take control before you know it.Just when I'm drinking turns into just on weekends and before you know it it will consume your thoughts every second of every day.Before you know it the only thing you focus on is chasing that next high.Your loved ones,your job,your home they will all be placed on the back burner.Addiction causes so much pain,so much hurt,so much loss.We burn bridges that sometimes we are never able to rebuild.Stay focused and stay committed,stop it now before you get to where some of us have gone.Stay here and keep posting.There is so much help and support here.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!

ps....I sent a pm off to Gizzy.He'll get in touch with you as soon as he gets it.He's a good guy with lots of knowledge.He'll be able to help you out a lot.

[zoe0111]

Thank you to all! Just being able to reach out and share my concern and have feedback is more than I've gotten from any of my friends - they just say.."oh, you're fine..."...but I'm sick to my stomach knowing that this combination of "fun" is not worth anything you care about most. Does that make sense? Thank you for making me feel part of a discussion...

[dominosarah]

I would take a real hard look at what you are doing.  The coke will grab you quicker than he!! and it will take you down.  Alcohol will do that too eventually.  Listen to what jt808 has to say and more will be on in the morning too.  Keep posting        sara

[kim715]

Great post!!!!!  Glad you're on,I don't know much about coke.

[kim715]

It sounds like drinking is one of your triggers.I've never been addicted to coke,but I have done it more then a few times in my life when I was abusing the pills.You've come to a great place for help and support.I think Gizzy would be the best person here to address your post.He's not on right now but I will send him a pm and ask him to get in touch with you when he gets here.Keep posting and best of luck to you.....Peace...Kim

[jt808]

well i gota say thats where it usually starts i use to do alot of cocaine and i started off just like u two are and gradually gets worse and worse rite now u say that u dont even thnk of it unless u drink well u mite not belive it but that will change and so will the amount u take trust me pretty soon ull start taking more and some times when ur not even drinking its just the beggening and u have got to stop this cycle b4 it gets worse belive me. itl just get worse and harder to stop once u have done it consistantly i havent done it in a long time that was my old doc my new one is norcos and just like u and coke i was only taking a few pills once a day at work when all my work was done and that was like 7 yrs ago but now im taking on average 40 pills a day every single day u see where im going with this rite? so plz stop i cant tell u how to stop cause i dont no how willing u both are to not drink but all i do know is that u gota stop this b4 it goes further. there are many people on this site that can help u probably beter than me so just wait and there will be other suggestions. good luck and ask me for anythng and ill try and help good luck 2 ya.