Is recovery you main goal?

If your motive here is to gain information by all of us trying to share experiences to get to recovery your on your way to getting your life back...........
When I post I speak the truth of my 37 years of active addiction and two years of formal education in college in addiction studies and part of that is Cognitive thinking where distorted thinking is explained and how the brain is altered by the use of narcotics.........
I have also been involved in N/A for 20 months where about a year ago I started to get very involved in service work where I am the GSR at my homegroup......
I also do a lot so speaking at different open speaker groups and recently am not speaking at the Harbor House which is a inpatient both by volunteer patients as well as court ordered patients.....
I consider this an honor and I have learned by my mistakes someone that I admire very much during an IM this evening told me sometimes I am a little abrasive my response to that was when I am talking directly to the addict I try to get a rise out of them to make them think...and that I would never talk to the person like that ........she told me that she understands that because she knows me but others may not take it that way so I will take her advice and try to change.........
One thing I will never change is my blunt honesty from my experience...if that gets me into trouble with a few here I hope that we can keep communications open so that in time we can try to work things out and come to the same conclusion of Recovery........
I wish and hope that everyone here on the forum gets to a successful Recovery so that they can get there lives back............Thats what I am all about................
People who go to N/A meetings and sit in the back and do not try to get involved are the ones who leave then bash N/A they don't do the steps and probably think the steps are b u l l s h i t...........
There road to recovery will be a long road with many twists and turns the N/A and A/A book are proven methods to get to recovery and stay there and save the lives of millions of addicts for those to say its all b u l l s h i t  I believe will struggle in the insanity of addiction until one day that light will go on in their heads that they have had enough and when they look around and there family has cast them out and the only friends they have are other addicts and they can't keep a job or pay their bills and the only and the most important thing to them is using I feel sorry for them........
To the rest here there are many good people who have a great message to convey to those who want to listen to you are truly inspiring to the rest of us and we thank you for being here.............
I'll take the blasts from some because my heart is in the right place and I always speak the truth!

[marcatj]

Dude - I for one knew that!  :-)

And I will tell you if I disagree, and then we can debate.  That's not a negative thing to me - I think it broadens peoples chances  of learning from each other.

I like what you have to say... and I listen closely.  Sometimes it pertains to my situation, sometimes it does not, but no matter... usually it does.

Keep doin' what you're doin Beach.  I get you, for what it's worth... and appreciate your caring, and your knowledge. And your effort...

warmly,
mary

[beachtowel]

I appreciate the kind words and only wish that all here shared your wisdom........
We should all be able to discuss issues even if we disagree for that I respect your words.........

I wish you the best and that your recovery be successful...........I want to tell you it feels so great to be clean.......I am so busy in recovery and have a lot on my plate but it feels good to be busy in recovery and not trying to find my next high.........or worried about the cop in my rear view mirror.....
It also feels great when my mother came to me recently and told me how proud she was of me that i had truly turned my life around.........I cannot put those feelings into words..........

Again thanks for your honesty and your kind words...........

[desertgirl]

well after a 37 year addiction i think that we are all proud of you!

[marcatj]

Beach, I would have cried... that is so, so wonderful...

Did you blubber like a little school girl?? lol.   Cause I woulda... that is beautiful...

And thanks for the good thoughts on my recovery... I do believe this is it this time. I feel it in my bones...

warmly,
mary

[beachtowel]

because I am a tough guy I hugged my mom and said I'm trying real hard Mom and I was glad she left the room because once she was out of sight the tears flowed for a minute........
The part that really hurts is that my mom was frequently a victim in my addition.......lies, stealing out of her purse........more lies .........................
The bad part is she always knew and that really hurts sometimes.....

One other thing that used to really bother me about my mom three times in my life I over dosed went into a seizure pissed my pants and woke up in a hospital.........
When I opened my eyes who do you think was sitting in a chair next to my bed my mom......she always loved unconditionaly........three comas and three times I awoke to her sitting there I used to feel about an inch tall.........
Today when I think back I only think how blessed I was to have a mother who loved her kids unconditionally whether they were doing good or scraping the bottom........
A lot of people helped me to get to where I am today including a judge in Ohio who could of threw my into prison but instead put me in an inpatient addict behavior and drug rehab to start me on my recovery...........
After I got my degree in Social Work many professors for a couple of colleges fought to get me into U fo D mercy to major in Addiction studies to get my CAC

But with out my moms uncondtional love, help and support I would of never made it and to her I owe everything and can never repay her except to stay clean and finish college then hopefully my future will bring my family when they think of me to do it with pride and say he made it........he took the long road but he finally found what he was looking for.........thanks Mom

[marcatj]

you Beach, are a very blessed man...

I hope at some point you will be able to let go of the hurt you caused your mom, because i assure you - she's let go of it.  all she is is happy now... i am certain she does not think of those times.

i would bet $$$ that she is simply just happy to have her son back, and to boot, to be so proud of you on top of it!

you done good, kid.  but i think you already know that...

with luv,
mj

[VOsRose]

I always read your posts and appreciate your words of wisdom and advice.  Your one-liners are often eye openers...several come to mind, with one of my favorites being: "you know the words but do you hear the music"?  "Winner, winner chicken dinner" was pretty good, too - :-}  

Seriously, I found this forum recently after a brief relapse.  I wish I had found it months ago...the relapse would never have happened.  But I'm back on course with my sobriety and recovery.  I'm now at Day 7, instead of Day 120.  That's good and that's bad.  For me, the relapses have brought me a step closer to recovery and I hope and pray I have arrived.  This last relapse was the shortest and the most controlled I've had.  I was able to maintain some sanity through it and get it back under control before it got complete control of me again.

The hardest part of the addiction cycle for me has been admitting to myself that I am, in fact, an addict.  I think that until I was able to reach that realization, recovery was never within my grasp...because I believed I was justified in my using and in control.

I think some of the reaction you get here from people is normal in the sense that many people here are new to the addiction process.  Many of them are in the early stages of addiction and are very vulnerable.  We've all been there...even you, but it was probably many, many years ago.  So much has happened to many of us that it's hard to remember back.  And when we do, we do so with regret that we didn't end the cycle there and find recovery.  Regardless, it takes some people many years of successes and failures to reach a point that they can accept "brutal honesty" and not feel hurt by it.  Human nature dictates that we "protect" ourselves until we wake up one day and realize that somewhere along the way we've totally lost touch and we don't even know who we are.  The drugs have destroyed our cognitive abilities and they have altered our ability to be rational.  When we reach that state, and have a moment of clarity mixed in with it, we can begin to seek recovery.  Some lucky people can do that with little "using" time behind them, others of us take years to get there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this...pick your "fights", but don't stop fighting.  Many are too vulnerable to read your words and hear what it is you are REALLY trying to say, but many of us love hearing it from someone with more time behind them and more wisdom than we have.  

Peace

Rosie

[LIZZIE LOU]

glad to be of service...lol

i think...if you will notice...that most of the time, the ppl who have a hard time "understanding" your posts...are new to the board.   what i mean is that they are in full addiction...and the addict thinking is in full control.   most of the time, they have not admitted to themselves that they are truly an addict and responsible for their actions.  they have not admitted that the first time they took a pill for the high...and not the pain...that this was a conscious decision to do so.   addicts are always looking for a way to justify their actions...putting blame on any one but themselves...doctors...drug companies...clinics...heathcare in the US...but never them.

what a glorious day it is when an addict realizes that they are 100% responsible for their actions and 100% responsible for their recovery.   it is on this day that the addict can fully understand and appreciate your posts...your experience...and your intent.

i have seen many an addict basically try and "rip you a new one"...only to make a complete turn around as their recovery progresses.   keep posting...some do actually "get it".

huggs,
kim

[wait2long]

nevermind...whats the sense...

[Two222]

wow.....20 months......you are such an expert....

wait2long- there is not sense. People like him thrive to think they know everything about sobriety. if hearing people kiss his a s s h o l e about how wise and wonderful he is, helps him stay clean then let him enjoy his "pink cloud" while it lasts. In the meantime I will try to help those who are going through the nightmare of addiction without telling them they are "wrong" or "horrible people" or whatever else to make them feel guilty. You can have 100 years clean and you will truly never be able to get inside the head of every single addict. Those two years of studying addiction in college should be re-funded. Don't worry. Your kind is not a rare breed. I have seen it time and time again, and you will realize how arrogant (and ignorant) you have been all along one day.

[vicaddict]

I agree with mj. I always agree with mj, I recently noticed. LOL :)  Must have minds alike. Anyhow....I have thought that some of your posts were "harsh" but also to the point. I also know with you, everything is "open for discussion". If I was new to the board, I probably would run the other way, in all honesty. But that would be MY "chickening" out and not wanting to face what I know deep down I need to hear, even if I do not like it.

That all being said....you do offer and have offered to me many times allot of wisdom, and allot of much needed support. I do not agree nor disagree with how you write things,  but as the "addict" I would like you said be defensive, that is what we do. At the same time, being here as long as I have and knowing you and how you speak, is ok with me. Not that it has to be, that isn't what I mean but like I said with you NO MATTER WHAT everything is open for discussion. You WILL offer support no matter what, whether it be in your "tough love" way or your experience. I could tell you your an a s s ho l e, or to go F off...and you would still be there for me no matter what. This I DO KNOW.

This post actually made me cry. It really did honestly. Us as the addict never think of what we are doing, or who we may be doing it to UNTIL it's already been done. There lies the guilt. However, I feel for you like mj said your mom is not thinking of all that from before, she is seeing exactly who she raised. The addict was not you.  Being a mother myself, and even more so now that I am an addict ( that is hard to say ugh) if one of my children ever fell prey to this disease, I would do the exact same thing. You betcha, I would not leave their side for a minute. I would do all I could to be there, no matter how  hurt or upset I would be. So I can see from both sides on this one, the "addict" as well as the "mother". It really made me think about what I have been doing. All your posts make me think. I just need to "act" more.

But like I said...you have offered much support here, and you have your own way of speaking to the addict vs speaking to the person. That is just plain honesty.

So, I just wanted you to know that I do thank you for all of the help you have given me, even if you do not know it, or I do not post to everything you write. I DO read everything you post.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions as well....and I think it is good to have the communication that we all have in this forum.

Peace and Love to all!
Tracy

[NautyOne]

Don't ever change you blunt approach.  It's just one other perspective.  It's not like there's any shortage of pillows to fall on in the forum.  I enjoy your posts very much  until you start on your credentials.  Don't be a wuss and  back down.  Yur not gonna hurt anyone in here.........gee maybe you might reach a stronger mind and help them,or heck you just might make a stronger mind in someone out here.  Don't  back peddle from who you are.

[vicaddict]

Some of that is not worded how I meant for it to be. When I said "I have thought that some of your posts were "harsh""
I meant to also say, that being here and knowing more of this addiction and knowing that I truly am an addict NOW, makes a huge difference. If I had just come here, I would probably cry my a s s off from your posts, and tell you to F off and THAT would just be me as the addict thinking wow what a D**K, this is what I get for opening up?
Again placing the blame to someone who only is speaking the truth to me, and with experience, speaking in a hard way but NOT to just be high and mighty. It is b/c you have been there, and know what it takes to get yourself totally clean. Anyhow, that is how I see it now. I think you are a wonderful person with allot to offer us no matter how it is said.
PS:
Now to anyone else who disagrees with me or how beach posts things, I am not saying you are right or wrong. This is just my own personal opinion and my own personal experience I have had with communicating with Beach, and how much he has really helped me personally. Not trying to make anyone feel they are wrong for what they have posted. So, please NO shooting ME! :)


Huggs :)

Trac

[Two222]

right. People aren't as dumb as you'd love to believe they are. In time they will come to realize who's full of **** and who's not. A lot of addicts want to be told what to do and thats why beach is so appealing to them. He puts on a good show and they don't know much better yet so they consider him "wise".

[NewLeaf]

As a Mom of an addict who is now in serious trouble with the law I do not know how unconditional my love can be at this point. Up until now it has been now there is a HUGE but, someone forged and cashed checks written out to her from her employer's business account. I have seen the front & back copy of the first check and based on my knowledge of her handwriting, the evidence is pretty damaging. She and he husband were kicked out of my sister's house because we founf syringes, blackened tin foil, etc. I know she is still going to the methadone clinic because when I called and asked if her number was still dosing, she called me that same morning in a beligerent way if I called the clinic and I said yes I had called and did so because I love you. The husband is most likely the one who relapsed since he could do nothing all day, not even take care of the kids. So, now she is fired from her job, moving from one flea bag motel to another with her husband & 3 kids. I want the garandchildren safe. It baffels me that she would do such a stupid thing just for $150 and $200.

This really hurts that she would choose her addicted husband over the children's welfare and her boss said that if she had left him and owned up to what was going on she wouldn't press charges, but nope, she chose to stand by her man.

So Beach, How far does a Mom take the unconditional love????

[NewLeaf]

3rd line correction - don't know what happened there....

Up until now unconditional love has been HUGE, but someome forged......

[vicaddict]

Unsure who the post was to, or if everybody, anyhow:

I do not want to be told what to do. I have to do this myself.  I read and take from it what I can. Whether that be in a "blunt" way or sugar coated. I don't care, and I personally don't believe in "sugar coating" anything. As long as it helps someone and that is the main goal to this forum, then I guess whoever it may have been to post something I or any other was able to "take and apply" something from was worth the authors writing.

[shelby74]

I agree with you - you know what this kind of reminds me of - the animal kingdom and when the male's pee to mark their territory?  Just a joke...ok going back to my side now. :)

[vicaddict]

lol! You always seem to make my day! :)

[vicaddict]

Yeah I think Beach is trying for a record breaker on post count from that other post yesterday from "icky person"
LMAO

j/k Beach, I know your not!
HUGGS!

[vicaddict]

What other side? Where the h e l l am I?
LOL

Better yet, where are you?
lol

[shelby74]

LOL - you do know there are two forums - right?  

[vicaddict]

yes, lol was just givin ya s h i t! hehe

I know I am always back and forth. I enjoy both forums. :)

[LIZZIE LOU]

be careful what you wish for...lol.   his honesty is brutal...so you better be prepared to hear it.

i am also the mother of an addict...3 to be exact...and beach and i have been talking on messenger for months now.   there will be no sugar coating it...and he will lay it all out on the table.   he has always been honest with me...maybe a little too honest at times...lol.   beach is beach...you love him or hate him...but one thing...he is sincere in his efforts to help others.   some find him offensive...and he is...lol...but he sure can get you thinking about it...and that is what he has set out to do...mission accomplished.  

sooooo...be prepared to hear the truth...that is what he is all about.   but given a chance...he will bend over backwards to help you or any  addict he comes in contact with.

kim

[vicaddict]

Very well said too hun! And AGREE!

Huggs!
Tracy

[bettie1976]

Im not offended by beach, I actually appreciate his humor and info. But there are some people who are not going to obviously (same goes for me cuz I have NO tact whatsoever! hah!) Ive been tryin to be good here tho.

[vicaddict]

I didn't get that from you. Not at all.

Huggs!
Tracy

[NewLeaf]

Thank you for the reply. I am willing to hear and take whatever gets dished out. Right now, I just want the 3 grandkids to be in a safe place. I am very torn about my feelings for my daughter, I love her but this may be too much.....

[bettie1976]

I feel for you. I have no advice for you because Im not in your situation but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and I really hope everything works itself out. Kids dont need that! and neither do YOU!

XXXOOO

[LIZZIE LOU]

you cannot do anything...at this very moment...for your daughter...BUT...you can do something for those children.  if my grandson was in an environment not suitable for him...i would not hesitate one minute before driving over there and getting him.   i would tell his parents that they have one choice to make...foster care or me...but that one of them is going to happen...and it is going to be NOW!!!

i know how you must feel...frustrated...hopeless...helpless...and pretty much just damned tired of all of it.  it is truly so hard to watch the ones we love just self destruct.  

if addiction only affected the addict.............................................but it doesn't.

huggs,
kim

[wait2long]

all i am going to say is thank you two222  for making me feel like i AM accomplishing my goal to get clean, and stay clean, and that SOMEONE other than my husband & my therapist & my sub. doctor thinks i am doing pretty damn good, and that i am not wrong nor am i a stupid uninformed horrible person that is defending my addiction and not facing my recovery.  end of story

[vicaddict]

I agree with Kim. ( LizzieLou) Maybe, just maybe if you tell her that and take the kids to be with you will be enough to realize she needs to STOP and do what needs to be done, and just how much she has to lose. She is thinking right now, well nobody (legally) knows and hasn't done anything, "yet". However, with the upcoming I assume battle she is going to have with the law, it will all come out and THEY may just place them kids elsewhere. I do not know where you live, and all States are dif. But if you are able to, I would threaten that RIGHT NOW and bring them kids home with you. That is if you are able to care for them.

I do not know the whole story, but boy do I feel for you too. The children definitely do not deserve it, they are so innocent. I feel like a hypocrite writing that b/c I am a mother and I am addicted due to a back surgery, I was put on the meds but the addiction is my own fault.

But my kids are the reason I am trying so hard, and for myself but also with the help from this forum.

Please let us know how things go, and I am sending some prayers your way, for all of you involved.

Huggs
Tracy

[vicaddict]

I am sorry, I meant to say prayers for all "affected".


huggs
Tracy

[Two222]

you are welcome

[tzt2lady]

I saw a speaker in NA who at 5 years clean still packed a gun.   At the time, she had 15 years of recovery.   People recover in God's time and in their own way.  Congrats on your 20 months and your service committment, NA needs good GSR's, especially those willing to stay for the entire ASC meeting.
tzt

[NewLeaf]

I wish, I wish, I wish she would let us take the kids.

Thank you for all the support. This is very hard on my husband - her dad, as he has heart disease and I try to only let him know only what is absolutely necessary. We just found out this week he needs 2 more stents and his mitral valve fixing as it is leaking. The less stress for him the better.

She is trying so hard to stay afloat but will not let go of her husband or the kids. She will not let anyone know where they are staying. CPS will do nothing whithout an address. We have filed theft reports with the police for the dad as he took computer stuff from the house but it may not stick because none of us can accurately describe the dang moniter - it was *** moniter color, does anyone, without actually looking at their moniter know if it's light grey, dark grey or black??????? We do know it's a compaq but other than that.... The drama keeps unfolding as each day passes and I fear the children will be put in harms way. As soon as they have a warrant for her arrest or his, CPS can then become involved but this all takes time and it has been 2 weeks now already.

I peak in here just to help learn about addiction and what she is up against. I find all of you that post regularly very caring, helpful and hopeful to others. I admire you all for your individual strengths as you are each unique with your own experiences. I am learning how hard this is for you all as well.

[vicaddict]

Hi again;
If cps gets involved, will the children be placed in foster care or will you have the option to take them in with you and your husband?

By the way, sorry to hear of your husbands struggles as well. This definately is a very trying time for you. I pray everything works out.

With Love;
Tracy

[NewLeaf]

Between all of the family we will try to keep them out of foster care. My sister, our oldest daughter & her husband, us........

[wait2long]

do not let them go to foster care...NO MATTER WHAT!!!  they just might end up worse off then where they are now, and yes i am talking from experience...if you want to keep them out of foster care, she needs to surrender her children to you and the children have to stay (sleep) in 1 place...they cannot be moved from one place to another

[Two222]

absolutely. Foster care in the country is absolutely horrible no matter what anyone will tell you. Most people who are willing to foster are only in it for the check that comes along with it. Yes theres are good foster parents (before you guys start freaking out on me), but they are few and far between. I am studying sociology and I continually witness and hear about children in foster care being subjected to anyone's worst nightmare for a child. I highly recommend you go through the process of getting them in your custody.