It is what it is!!!!!!

[VICourageous]

Hello my MH Family out here. I just wanted to post this and it might get moved to the Social Form.
I am a Addict and I have been for Years!  This RECOVERY I have been walking is mine and the way I work it is just for me..BUT I can not walk it alone. YES I am still struggling every day of my life right now.
I know most of you know the past few Years have been hard and MANY Heartaches along the way..I KNOW that alot of us out here struggle with our Health, Family, Friends and etc..Many of us had our Loved Losses during our Recovery as well.
I just want to say that, (as most of you know) since I lost both my parents and my dog and other Family members not too long ago, that it has been a very BAD struggle and then the Heart Procedure really did me under.
I have been very sick lately and I am trying to pull myself back up.

The reason for this post is so I can share what has been working for me..AS I said this is just MY Recovery.
As time has been ticking over 2 years now I had to open up new Avenues in my Recovery. I was going to AA/NA but I was Thirsty for more help as I cried out every single day. I knew I was going to go back to my "Old Ways" if things did not change. I do not hit a meeting every single day but I have focused more on My Spirituality. I feel that I am in a cross road between good & evil. When things are going OK, I will be Temped to use. I am saying that I still know people who use..Even if I do not go around them much, I know they are there and that they have the Drugs. I called a old friend after I had a very powerful spiritual day and she offed me drugs and I mean even street drugs. I KNOW it is my fault for still keeping some connection as I really want some of my friends to come clean.. BUT I am still in early Recovery and Struggling BAD. SO Today I have cut all ties until who know when!!! I have been going to more meetings that focus more on my God and also Grieving groups. I have also FINALLY joined the gym. What I am trying to say is that Addiction IS a Disease and it will always be here but we can stay in Recovery the best we can by reaching out for SUPPORT..The ME thing and my Thinking is what got me in trouble. I can not DO IT ALONE! It REALLY does take TIME & PATIENCE as I am still balancing out Physically, Mentally and Spiritually.

Today I can use some Prayers. Not just for me but for a good friend who has Cancer and has just gave up today. Also PerfectlyCrazy and Her Loss is in my Heart alot. There are alot of YOU out here that are in my Prayers daily as WE all struggle with this Disease.

May the Lord hold us tight as we continue to find Peace.
I have and had to SURRENDER over & over the past couple of Years.
Lots of Hugs to you all and for all the SUPPORT & LOVE you have given me on here the past couple of Years.
Vickie

[VICourageous]

LMAO..I LOVE YOU MAN!! Yes, we do need to play catch up. It has been getting down to 16-17 degrees here and if I had some Nuts they would be freezing right now..hahahahaha

[weaver71]

I missed this. No, I wouldn't say the last couple years has been easy at all. I didn't want to make life easy, only worth it. Life wasn't easy on drugs either, arguably worse, if you ask those who were around me. We gotta catch up soon, I've been doing the fall squirrel hustle on a year when the acorns fell off before they were ready. Squick, Squick, Squick, I'm just trying to keep my nuts in their sack.

[VICourageous]

Thank You Everyone..I just LOVE the reply's..WE all know it is not so easy but it is Worth every moment to stay clean & sober and let our REAL Brain deal with these situations.
Since the day I posted this I have felt a bit better.
The good thing is that every time I feel like I am going to give up the phone rings and it is the Church and someone who wants to get together. My how the Lord works. SO that brings me back to earth!!!!

Has any body been on the Bio-Identities??? It is a hormone replacement. I do know a few girls who have but let me know so I can talk private about some of the feelings when you first got on them..

PurrfectlyKrazy....I will take you up on that. Just trying to balance right now with the hormones..lol

I love you all my friends and I will be back again soon..lol
Bless

[Lilly1955]

Thank you for sharing. In difficult times it is good to know we are not alone. I pray for you that your journey will be eased. You are an awesome person, caring and willing to give of yourself. Please take the time to give to yourself whatever you need to heal.

[lulu747]

Love you Vicki.
Your honesty.  Your strength.  Your conviction.  All of you.
It is what it is, and you are what you are....A survivor.
Much love to you my friend.  And all my prayers (Lu Style)
xoxoxox

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

When you have time please PM me if you want to and tell me about your heart procedure and stuff.  While I have not gone through it you know I took care of my husband while he went through all of his.  I'm hear to listen if you want to vent, if you get scared, etc.  I DO understand...I watched Joe every day after both his heart procedures and took care of him every minute of every day so I can say I will understand what you have to say.  I'm here for you if you need me!

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Oh hun, thank you and you are in my heart also along with my prayers.  I know I'm suffering but you are suffering so much more...wait, I will say we are both suffering enormously but differently.  I pray every day that God will keep us both on a sober path and that also we both find some peace.  

Thank you dear heart for sharing...I don't feel so alone now knowing the hell you've gone through and done it sober...I know I can do it too.  You give me hope which is something I lack most days (as I'm sure you know)

Much love in my heart for you

xo

[gnarly_1]

Hey Vicky  good to see you vent this stuff  it sorta builds and builds we become a slave to our own minds   your not new in recovery so you know the drill if your just not up to a meeting it is your disease trying to kill you keep pushing threw and surrender to God we dont look for perfection only progress we are all a work in progress and will be for the rest of our lives you can get threw this  just not alone it can take some time to get over life on life's terms but you have been a great example of that and I have learned from you keep up the fight your worth it just know we care and your secrets are safe hear your friend Mark

[NeverAgain127]

I always love your posts.  You are such an inspiration on here.  I'm 45 days today, and I had an AWFUL day.  I was driving home after a huge fight with my current district manager, and I thought that all I wanted to do is take a pill, or have a glass of wine.  Alcohol was never my DOC but its a bad idea for me, at least for now.   My body isn't ready to accept ANY alcohol (I found that out last week and paid dearly for it.)   So I remembered that we use to:  Relax, Reward, & Escape.  Also, of the H.A.L.T. list, I was both ALL of them.  I came home, and found out my new puppy was sick (both ends)...so I cuddled in bed with her and baked Stromboli for my husband's workplace (early holiday party).  

My daughter came home early and she had bought me a bunch of scented candles and a new sweater.  She just 'sensed' I was on the edge.  

It helped SO MUCH.  I also called a friend who is in recovery (8 years) from opiates but is struggling with her daughter (long story.)

In short, I tried to reach out, and I didn't succumb to this rotten disease.  

We can all do this, but not alone.  Our disease HATES it when we talk to others in recovery.   It hates it when we pray, when we look deep inside.  I agree that spirituality is important..at least it is to me.  

Thank you for your post, and for being such a kind and giving person here on MH.  You are loved and appreciated.  

Hugs,

Robin

[VICourageous]

Hi there Girlfriend. I just vacuumed half the house and had to take a break. Oh, where is my Energy lately?? Up & Down and In and Out it goes..hahaha
I wanted to tell you that I am still dripping sweat day all day & night but it is getting a bit better..Went to the Dr that did my Hysterectomy 8 years ago and he did put me on the Bio-Identities, that no other Dr would up here because of my Heart. He said I am safe. Now between the Heart meds and the Hormones I am trying to find my Balance. It is so strange but I can feel it each day as the sweats had lighten up a bit now. He said I could of went on with this nightmare and I MEAN NIGHTMARE for 7 more yrs. OMG!!! No Way!!!
SO I am going to get off and go lay down for a bit. I will be back. It is nice to see you too..We must talk soon..lol
Bless

[msdelight]

Hey love bug its so good to see you out and about. I miss you you when you're not here. You are doing a great job with the hand you've been dealt and I am ever grateful and in awe of your courageous spirit!

[VICourageous]

I too hold you close to my Heart. I will send some Prayers your way too. It looks like you might need some too. I did not get to see your Journal yet, but I did catch a bit of your struggle as well.  YOU have been a Great inspiration and have given so much Support too..lol

I will be sending a Prayer your way.
Bless

[Sonrissa]

Hey VIC, I think about you all the time. You are such an inspiration to me and many many others. You prove the theory that this is a WE thing, not a ME thing.  I continue to pray for your strength and comfort. Thank you for all that you do here, and in your daily life. I know that the dark clouds will part, and the sunshine will filter in.

Take care of yourself! Sending hugs and prayer.

[VICourageous]

Thank You..YOU have been such a inspiration too. I sure Pray that all is going A-OK for YOU as well..lol

Bless

[VICourageous]

Thank You..You have almost 7 years now if I am correct. I really like to hear this from the older timer on here that still continue to struggle or still use the Support system. This disease SUCCCKS Big Time.
You are SO right..WE have to take care of ourselves or what is the point.
For me the one of the hardest things has been to FOCUS on ME and MY Recovery and no one else right now. I am a person who puts other people first and would give my shirt off my back to them if I am wearing a Bra..Haha
However, You have been with me long enough to know what type of person I am..lol
Bless U and I sure hope you are feeling a bit better now.

[dominosarah]

No matter how long our clean time is we still need that support.  I acted like a raging lunatic Saturday night.  I did everything but spin my head around and spew green "stuff" all over.  The last week was very stressful and i didnt take  care of me like i should of.  Today i have some apologies to make and that is all right.  I got my arse handed to me by my sponsor and she wont make any apologies as she told me exactly what i needed to hear!!!

[jugglin]

You continue to be such an inspiration lady!  Thank you for reminding us that regardless of our clean time, we need to continue to move forward in our sobriety.
Love, hugs, and prayers to you dear Vic!
xoxoxo

[VICourageous]

Thank You Girl..Just take it day by day as it will get better but it is still a struggle. Maybe WAY down the line it will get better. BUT like I said it is a disease and we need that SUPPORT..lol

[VICourageous]

Dear Grasshopper..
YOU have been on my mind and in my Heart. That is a VERY Good idea..It is TIME for a NEW Gratitude list. I have alot to be Grateful for..As always, YOU give great feedback my Friend..lol

[kellygirll]

vikki thank you so much for that post it was great...really REAL you laid it all out just what addiction is like when we are feeling comfortable its there when we are feeling crappy its there it will always be there ALWAYS i too am so early in recovery 70 days (i thought i was at 80 oops) soon tho lol and i have to remember everything you said its so true thank you so much vikki for reminding me of this you are definitely in my prayers lady love and light to you xoxo

[dominosarah]

Sometimes when we get down we need to sit and make a gratitude list.  I recently had to do this and i felt better which made some of the trying times in my life easier to deal with.  You have come a long way and it shows.  I am proud of you grasshopper~  love and hugs to you