Aa
Jumping off methadone
First let me tell you a little bit about me. I'm 50 years old, male and have been on methadone for the last 10 years. I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking 29 years ago. I don't do any other recreational drugs whatsoever as opiates have scratched that itch quite well. A few months back after tapering down from 80 mg a day to 20 mg per day , I signed out of the clinic and walked away. I was determined that with the small stockpile I had at home I could continue to wean myself off. I called a good friend of mine who has also been on methadone for over 10 years , although not at any particular Clinic and told her I was done. She happened to be horribly dope sick that day and begged me for a few wafers. I personally have great empathy for other Junkies who are sick and trying to keep it together, hold a job, pay a mortgage Etc ...
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
Day 13
7:15am
I am unsure if I'm any better but certain I am no worse. I managed to sleep a good long while but sadly failed to document the exact duration. My wife said that I was asleep, one foot on the floor, at 1am when she momentarily arose and I woke up at 6:30am so 5.5 hrs at a minimum. I would celebrate my sleep returning except I no longer trust anything related to this withdrawal.
At first check I feel better today. Maybe a 5/10. But who's to say...
My post last night was tough to complete. My thoughts were scattered and defied Coalescence despite all my might. It's tough to spend an hour trying to pull your thoughts together only to discover that, at least for now, it's not to be.
The opposite of surrender is to resist but with my body so weary, my resistance is now mostly with words. But hey, Who knows what weary travelers may stumble upon this journey and decide to push forward in their own? Perhaps I can resist The beast even in the future-tense by Inspiring someone else, at some other time, to ball up their fists, Swing for the fences and furiously fight for their own liberation??
This thought brings me great joy.. I am bitter and vengeful over the helplessness I'm feeling and I'm desperate to show I'm still in this by fighting back anyway I can.
If this wicked withdrawal can land odd blows from strange angles, hopefully so can I.
7:15am
I am unsure if I'm any better but certain I am no worse. I managed to sleep a good long while but sadly failed to document the exact duration. My wife said that I was asleep, one foot on the floor, at 1am when she momentarily arose and I woke up at 6:30am so 5.5 hrs at a minimum. I would celebrate my sleep returning except I no longer trust anything related to this withdrawal.
At first check I feel better today. Maybe a 5/10. But who's to say...
My post last night was tough to complete. My thoughts were scattered and defied Coalescence despite all my might. It's tough to spend an hour trying to pull your thoughts together only to discover that, at least for now, it's not to be.
The opposite of surrender is to resist but with my body so weary, my resistance is now mostly with words. But hey, Who knows what weary travelers may stumble upon this journey and decide to push forward in their own? Perhaps I can resist The beast even in the future-tense by Inspiring someone else, at some other time, to ball up their fists, Swing for the fences and furiously fight for their own liberation??
This thought brings me great joy.. I am bitter and vengeful over the helplessness I'm feeling and I'm desperate to show I'm still in this by fighting back anyway I can.
If this wicked withdrawal can land odd blows from strange angles, hopefully so can I.
good luck junkydave God bless you and hang in there it will get better
2 Comments
you have inspired me junkydave,30years on dilaudid for back pain after 2 spinal fusions. it is now time to pick up that yoke of abstanance just as you have and join the real world again
God bless you too my friend. Go fight the good fight...
5:15pm
Very sick on this two weeks eve. I have had a healthy appetite today which I've lacked for the last several days in a row. Strange today I started craving fish? I thought about various commercial fish sandwiches but instead settled on a giant homemade tuna fish sandwich. It was splendid.
Hopefully tomorrow , on the two-week anniversary , I'll feel a lot better than these last few days. That would be fantastic. I'd enjoy a reprieve.
On a brief side note, There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations.
Just lovely :-)
Very sick on this two weeks eve. I have had a healthy appetite today which I've lacked for the last several days in a row. Strange today I started craving fish? I thought about various commercial fish sandwiches but instead settled on a giant homemade tuna fish sandwich. It was splendid.
Hopefully tomorrow , on the two-week anniversary , I'll feel a lot better than these last few days. That would be fantastic. I'd enjoy a reprieve.
On a brief side note, There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations.
Just lovely :-)
Day14
8:10am.
Two weeks clean today. It's been a long, long time since I've been two weeks completely clean.
Yesterday, shortly after I'd posted about my tuna fish sandwich, my appetite went crazy. Over the next four hours,at seperate times I ate: A family size can of Campbell chunky sirloin soup, a half sleeve of crackers, a full bowl of fried mushrooms heavily dipped in ranch, and finally a small bowl of yellow rice...
The food has given me some strength and my nausea has greatly subsided. I had great hopes that I'd awaken and feel infinitely better but of course that didn't happen.
When I woke, after 5.5 hrs, my pillow was soaked and my head was thumping with one of those punishing, pulse type of headaches. Not really what I had in mind but I feel the tide beginning to subside. Last night was the first time in many days that I'd been able to get my back fully off the ropes for a moment. It feels liberating to watch an opponent of this ferocity forced to take a step back and suck a little wind.
Yeah it's been two weeks and I'm still here and although this has been pure hell, I remain resolute and utterly unafraid.
My old life holds no promise, no hope, and no future. A lonely place of numb observations, squelched creativity, and spiritual desolation . These are the sad truths and why I must embrace every advantage offered in this fight.
Some things are just worth fighting for and some hills are just worth dying on.
So onward I go... Resting when I can, brawling when I must..
8:10am.
Two weeks clean today. It's been a long, long time since I've been two weeks completely clean.
Yesterday, shortly after I'd posted about my tuna fish sandwich, my appetite went crazy. Over the next four hours,at seperate times I ate: A family size can of Campbell chunky sirloin soup, a half sleeve of crackers, a full bowl of fried mushrooms heavily dipped in ranch, and finally a small bowl of yellow rice...
The food has given me some strength and my nausea has greatly subsided. I had great hopes that I'd awaken and feel infinitely better but of course that didn't happen.
When I woke, after 5.5 hrs, my pillow was soaked and my head was thumping with one of those punishing, pulse type of headaches. Not really what I had in mind but I feel the tide beginning to subside. Last night was the first time in many days that I'd been able to get my back fully off the ropes for a moment. It feels liberating to watch an opponent of this ferocity forced to take a step back and suck a little wind.
Yeah it's been two weeks and I'm still here and although this has been pure hell, I remain resolute and utterly unafraid.
My old life holds no promise, no hope, and no future. A lonely place of numb observations, squelched creativity, and spiritual desolation . These are the sad truths and why I must embrace every advantage offered in this fight.
Some things are just worth fighting for and some hills are just worth dying on.
So onward I go... Resting when I can, brawling when I must..
Still feeling really bad but my mind is strangely very clear. I hope I can stay clean when this is finally over so that I never have to repeat this process again. I've always been strong about getting clean and weak about staying clean. I'm going to need to be all around strong from here on out.
Hi Dave.....well it has been a wile since I have posted due to some debilitating health problems but your post caught my eye....we have a simler story......I to was under the opiet spell for over 10 years ...then on methadone for the next 7....I like you have kicked most opiet pain meds but nothing prepared me for methadone... after I told the clinic I wanted off....the first thing they said is you are on methadone mantness/ for life you have been on it to long to turn back now you are a lifer....I to new that methadone was a hard detox ....unlike you I kept uping my dose and was at 150mg for years.....the formula for methadone is how long you been on it.....10+ years is a long time...the dose your on dictates the severity of withdrawal then your age is also a big factor....I was on a high dose for a long time and was 47 when I detoxed in 2009 it is not so much the severity of the drug but the long recovery time that makes it difficult....in a perfict world...like being in your twenty's on a low dose (below 50mg) and only a short time (less than a year) recovery is possible in aprox 30 days...now for you and I you dont just undo 10 years of bad dissions it takes time....it was a good solid 90 days b/4 I started to feel like there was any hope of recovery....at 60 days out I remember telling my substance abuse counselor that I should be a lot farther a long then I was..it seamed hopless....I had all the symptom that have been talked about in this thread...the 3 worst symptoms for me was the lack of sleep..(for months) the anxzity that never let up and what I call the ''energy crash'' where you dont have motivation to do even the simplest things....just know you will recover we have lots of recovering methadone addicts on this forum im one of them....just know that most people start to get better in 60 to 90 days...the hardest part is the first 2 weeks then the physical part starts to subside...exorsize is a critical part of recovery my wife had me walking daily from day one...eating right is also big...no red meats (cause inflamation) lean protien like backed chicken breast or baked fish pleanty of green vedgies...and force the fluids.... my heart goes out to you...reading a post like yours reminds me of just how hard this was to do...but everything you go threw is worth it....I often say you just dont realize just what this drug has been dooing to you until you free from it the next stage will be dreaming...on the bright side at least your sleeping for this to happen....but the dreams come at you at 100 mile per hour and in tec/na/color as always keep posting for support and if you have questions please feel free to ask...you know 60 to 90 days is a long time for anny thing but it is only a bump in the road compared to a life time...your doing great your attitude rocks that is huge.... it is ok to be uncomfortable but suffering is a choice... you choose life keep up the good fight...may God be with you
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
1 Comments
Thank you and I love the name!!!
I'm giving this all I got my friend. I also have chronic pain issues which I've used to justify my situation. But honestly I'd rather BE better than feel better. That's my long term goal, Be a better, more complete individual.
Thanks for taking the time to share some of your story.
It is appreciated.
I'm giving this all I got my friend. I also have chronic pain issues which I've used to justify my situation. But honestly I'd rather BE better than feel better. That's my long term goal, Be a better, more complete individual.
Thanks for taking the time to share some of your story.
It is appreciated.
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