why

[carson1975]

Hi all I'm back I've mess up again I have been back on pills. I'm sorry to let down everyone who believed in me this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was taking oxycoden 15mg 4-6 a day now I have viks es maybe 8 so far. I love my kids and family so much why can't I stay clean for them I was never one to take drugs till a year and a half ago I'm lost in my own mind of why I keep going back you all are so kind to help other people out that u never met thank u for that!!

[k9shilo]

i thought one on one counseling was the way to go also.  but i decided to try a group session because i was asked to go.  that was 2 1/2 years ago and now i can not get through the week without going to my group sessions.  it helps me to know others are in the same boat as me. and in group i can talk about things and get support from other members not just my counselor.  it is helping me learn who is in the sober community in my area.  and once u feel better u may find that nobody around u understands where u r in your world.  and having the people from your group might help u. it will also help u get sober friends where ever u live so u can get out of the house.

[carson1975]

Good morning I think my son fever is finally broke ! So I know I need to figure out what I'm going to do , it's not easy my hubby knows what is going on I think a one on one counselor instead of group thing would be better for me

[k9shilo]

i relapsed on tramadol 1 and a half years ago.  i was clean off norco 10mg 40 pills a day addiction.  then i found myself taking tramadol 50mg-30 pills a day. i never dealt with the problems that kept me using the first time around.  i have been on suboxone for 47 days now, and i have not had any norco or tramadol in these 47 days.  i am now able to deal with the issues i need to.  the suboxone helps to stop the constant cravings and thoughts.  i am working on getting to my maintance dose, i am now at 16mg a day.  i still have some cravings and wake up with alittle withdrawal, but that will go away with the proper dose.  even though i am not exactly to the right dose for me my life is so much better, i love being sober now.  i strongly reccommend suboxone for u to try.  it was well worth it for me to try it.  i plan to stay on it as long as i need to.  my life is so much better.  try it and see if it helps u.  take care.

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude good to here your going to try aftercare it has worked for me both n/a and a/a got me off alcohol weed and everything else recreational 5yr8mo ago now I see a substance abuse conslor once a week for my methadone addiction/recovery and its kept me clean 435days aftercare works I would have crashed and burned 100 times over if it wasent for that....also a close walk with God is helpful whatever works but as they say nothing canges if nothing changes good luck on your detox and put a recovery plan in place you will make this your last detox good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[dominosarah]

I hope your son is okay~~~~~Let us know how you both are doing when you can.        sara

[carson1975]

I think after care is the only way I'm going to make it ! My son is very sick today I will post soon

[dominosarah]

You have to want this for you first and foremost.  Doing it for others doesnt work.  We always say here that getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard one.  What sort of recovery system do you have in place?  Using is only a symptom of what is going on.  We cant do this alone.......sara

[ImDONENoMore]

Well said catuf.  And reading about PAWS helped me so much - to know what to expect and be ready for it (as ready as anyone can be) made a huge difference.  It allowed me to make sense out of a situation that felt senseless.

[CATUF]

Why?  If you're like me, that's and easy one . . . you're a drug addict.  

I suffer from the disease of addiction.  I lack the capacity of control once a mood or mind-altering substance enters my system.  As they say: "one is too many, a thousand is never enough."

This really is one area where the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  It matters not at all how sincere I am about limiting/controlling my use . . . once I use, at all, all bets are off.  I might as well be stepping off a roof, promising myself "this time I will NOT FALL . . . I will float for just a minute (maybe two) and then step back on."

For the longest time I kept making it through AWFUL withdrawal (my kids thought dad got the flu every 6 weeks), thinking "I WON, I BEAT THE SOB" as soon as I got a week or 10 days out and started to feel human again.  But for reasons that were unclear to me, I would ALWAYS make the decision to use again just a few weeks later.  I had just days before (secretely) declared "NEVER AGAIN," but there I would be . . . using again.

Of course I wasn't "going to let it get out of control again," I just needed a little bit, just for that day (or that night).  I was always happy that I wasn't a slave to the pills anymore, and I never wanted to jump back into the shackles, but I always seemed to hit a brick wall where it truly felt like I needed some (just a little) to keep going.

I never knew it back then, but I was suffering from Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome ("PAWS"), which hits first weeks after the acute withdrawal that I thought of as the only withdrawal, and returns every 30 days or so for a long time.  It is worth learning about PAWS, because once you know what you're dealing with (and are waiting for it), it's relatively easy to push through that "brick wall."  
See www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Get treatment!  Treatment is what brings addicts into sustained recovery, not desire to quit (and stay quit).  If sincere desire was enough, we'd all be in sustained recovery.  

Will power won't do it . . . in fact, it's exactly the wrong tool for this job.  Fighting with will power seems to make it worse ("whatever you resist will persist").  People who think addicts lack will power have obviously never been addicted . . . it takes amazing will power to keep going, day after day, as an active addict.  Life in recovery is so much easier (and nicer) than life in the hell of late-stage active addiction

For some reason I took the notion that I needed to fix my addiction myself, that I needed to keep it secfret until I had it pretty much under control.  Maybe "those meetings" would be a good idea, but I wasn't going to go to any until I could walk in with my chin up . . . I wouldn't even post on this site until I had 10 days or 2 weeks clean.

This notion that I won't "come in" until I'm better seems to be common.  There's a verse in hymn addressing the point that brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard it:

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all

Get help.  Asking for and accepting help is what brings us into recovery.  Fighting keeps us in addiction.  In recovery, "the one who surrenders the most wins."


CATUF
2028

[gizzy32]

Welcome back. Although we want to stay clean for our family and children, we have to want to stay clean for US first as selfish as that sounds.

What are you willing to do so this does not keep happening? Have you tried any type of aftercare or outside support groups, it can make all the difference in the world. Does your family know about you abusing pills? I don't know you, but I do know you can do this if you want it bad enough and make a few simple changes to ensure your sobriety. Life is so much better clean. Keep posting and come up with a plan to kick this for good. Good luck and believe in yourself:)