Attempting to get clean...again

[MackZills]

This is my first post, but I feel as if I just need a place to talk about this with other people who have been through it.

I had a very heavy Roxicodone addiction from 2007 to October of 2009 when I decided that enough was enough and wanted to get help.  It was mostly the Roxis but I would taken anything; Dilaudid, Opana, Exalgo etc etc.  I enrolled in an out-patient suboxone program and was clean from October 11, 2009 to about June 2010.  I was very committed to my sobriety, so I didnt do ANYTHING that I thought would lead me back in including drinking.

In June I had a few things happen to me that I wont bore you with, but very long story short, I started using again very heavily. On what should be my 1 Year Sobriety celebration, I have decided once again to get clean.  However, because I dont have insurance at the moment, any form of rehab and weaning drug is out of the question.

This is my fault and I will have to face the consequences.  Ive been through withdrawels, but for some reason this time I am very scared.  I have never gone cold turkey.

I know Im rambling and I apologize for that, but I was just wondering if anyone can give me any advice on going cold turkey?

Once again I am committed, and although I know my mind is going to be begging and pleading with my body to get another score, my heart will not let it.  I cant go through life anymore where the only time im "normal" is when I have opiates in my system.

Thank you.

[FassFeat]

Mack, did you go away? Let us know how you are doing.

[DayToTry]

MackZills .. After about the same amount of time on Vicodin 5 or 5.5 yrs (with brief periods of trying to stop) I feel just like you said -- I have asked myself many times if I'm puposely on a self destructive path.  I think I've seen the light.  I really started worrying about my liver from all the acetaminophen.  I've just woke up to my 4th day.  I've actually had it really easy this time.  Now if I can just keep my head right because that's really the problem ... getting over the mental addiction.  I just keep trying to remind myself, "They don't even make me feel "good" anymore, they're just killing me".

[pachanga5]

   yo brother i feel your pain. I know the more you go through wd"s the worse and longer they get because when you a newby you dont too much know about the anxiety and depress that come with them the first couple of times they feel like a flu you can surpass em with a bunch of xanax a few days laid out cold and you a new man which didnt seem too bad so pick up again tellin urself that the whole time you coppin or dr shoppin,  Cuz I had a 5 to 5.5 yr addiction that started with vikes and ended to **** hole no end i lost a girlfriend and a wife as well as a car and my bike and at the time i couldnt give a flyin ****,,,, i didnt bottom out i actually chased the bottom cause bro i felt like ForestGumpp runnin 3 freakin lifetimes...  I just sat through 4 days of wd"s just being absolutely honest to myself and to my fiance, i told her everything cause i didnt want to loose her i didnt want to loose my job of 15 years and i wanted to start ffnn livin bro.  On the 4th night i went to the er cause the amount i was using was a lot and these wd"s scared me 1st time in my life i called 911 and asked for an ambulance,,,anyway they got me comfortable and directed me to different treatment desicions i did everything and anything with one virtue honesty to myself and others no matter what,,, been clean 3.5 about to get married to my fiance thats more in love and has a tremendous respect for me which to b honest helps me.. im in na aa i get what i need from there i never listen to the people that relapse i respect but never listen to their advise cause so far what im doin helps me I exercise eat good and always try to do everything with honesty and integrity whether its wrk or out in social places. I stay away from uncomfortable places and never even entertain the thought of a pill or relapse anxiety i just dont give them my time... anyway bro hang in there and one more thing even if you  dont have insurance the hospital will care  for you and make arrangments for you on the arm you might have to pay them back when you get back on  ur feet anything worth more payin back than you livin again ... good luck god bless

[Punkinhead75]

Hey Mack,

How was the mtg.?

[FassFeat]

Please do stay.. You should hold up your chin, it isn't failure unless you quit trying and that doesn't sound like the case here. So glad you are going to NA as that is what I was eluding to with aftercare. You have had a setback, certainly not a failure.. if that was the case, we are all failures. Please do stay with us, we will help as much as we can and will certainly support you. Sounds like you have the right mindset and that you are determined. Everyone has their own way of quitting, ie; Suboxone, tapering, etc. To me CT ends it, if your body can handle it.  Andrew

[IwillQuit2]

Sounds like your mind is in a pretty good place(: good luck and stay strong.  

[MackZills]

Thank you both.  

And by normal, I didnt really mean normal. Youre right, I mean, what is "Normal" anyway.  What I meant was that I couldnt get out of bed, think of anything else, concentrate, converse, not sweat profusely, not go to the bathroom every 20 mins and so on and so on ( you all know what its like), without taking them.

Im starting NA in a half hour actually.  Fassfeat, you certainly don't need to sugarcoat anything, Ive been through this before.  However, this time without the subox coupled with the embarrassment I feel for failing the first time, that is what is going to make this time harder.

I just have to keep my chin up and take it.  After all, its no ones fault but my own.

And if its ok, I want to keep talking on here with all of you.

[Punkinhead75]

Hi mack, thanks for sharing with us.  I looked up normal in the dictionary thinking they would surely have my picture in there but I was wrong.  Oh well.  The trick is to make a new normal.  Unfortunately that requires a little bit of effort.  Check out the thomas recipe under the health pages at the top of this page.  It will give you some stuff to do that may help.  I also suggest trying some NA or AA mtgs.  Our addictive behaviors are generally a manifestation of something a little deeper.  I know for me that once I do a little "house cleaning" the desire to use goes away.  I wish you the best of luck in getting cleaned up. You can do it.  Keep coming and sharing with us. God Bless!!!!

[FassFeat]

Welcome to the forum and congrats on decision to quit. Just from what you put out there, it sounds as though the follow up with aftercare is what was missing from your program. Getting through detox CT to me is the best way, I would caution you, that if you have any underlying health issues or just for peace of mind that you should consult your physician. You should look at the health pages on top right corner of home page and look at Thomas recipe and amino acid protocol for ways to ease or minimize WD symptoms. Regardless of what you do, the first 3-5 days are going to be tough, but very doable. I guess the desire to get well has to be stronger than the fear of WD.. That is how it was for me. I could sugarcoat it, but that wouldn't be helping you. Also, you will get alot of support and help on this forum. I just wanted to welcome you and tell you what little that I know. God Bless.