i have hurt everyone that i love and that loves me

[kimmie32]

i was put on vicodin for degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia....and i have a problem.  i have taken 10-20 pills a day before... i have stolen pills from my family, i have paid for pills.... and i am a horrible person.... My boyfriend is ready to leave me... i'm falling a part... and i don't know what to do anymore...Right at this moment i want to die... but i know i have to get through this because i have a two year old who i love more than life..... and he is everything to me..... i found out my boyfriend was getting naked pics of this girl about a year ago... and that is when it begin i took the pills so i wouldn't cry, so i wouldn't be hungry... then i started hurting more... which i believe now is from the pills...and so i took them so i wouldn't be hungry and because i was hurting.... my arms, my legs, ....then i took them because my bf and i got into a fight...and there is the cycle that started.... i just need someone to talk to... someone who has any idea what i can do to help myself... i have a 2 yr old so i can't go through too bad of withdrawals....anyone who has any advice, or anything please, please please write me... i really need help....

[stilltrying1965]

hey Kimmie welcome to the forum you will get so much support here.You dont have to live that life no more you and your lil boy deserve so much better. You have to be commited to getting clean, we canot do the hard work that has to come from you. But we will be here to support you through this. You and your lil boy cant go on like this. You share the same name as my wife kim but i call her Kimmie The life drugs keeps us around is know place for a wee boy to be around. And if you did not want help you would not be here. This is what this site can do for you me and my wife ( Kimmie ) were 13 year HEROIN addicts and could not see a way out unless it was in a box. well im proud to say my wife has over 300 clean days i have 62 as i relapsed but got back on my horse and here we are clean. I want to let you know somthing Kimmie Me and my wife done all the hard work but the support was awesome ppl wanted to help us as they will help you. kimmie you can also beat your deamons slay them for yourself and your we boy. is there any where you can go for a week or soKimmie you can do this.You are also not worthless your wee boy needs you, Dont beat yourself up you onlymade a mistake as have a lot of us here. That does not makeyou a bad person. I want to wish you all the best in whateveryou choose to do Kimmie good luck and may god be with you on your road to recovery. Best of luck to ya ,,,,,,,James

[gnarly_1]

hey check your E/mail I sent you a message....

[vicki595]

Kimmie~  Tapering requires a lot of self control and does drag things out a bit. You may feel some mild withdrawals ,also.  It's good that your Mom will hold your pills.  You need to decide what your daily limit will be and start cutting it down from there,over the next few weeks. Everyone tapers differently. Make a plan that works for you.
We will be here for support.
Post as often as you want.  You've made a great decision here. Be proud!
You can do this!
Vicki

[cathy5841]

So glad u decided to let your mom hold the pills. Check the health pages on the right of this page for the thomas recipe n the amino acid protocol. Great tips for w/ds. Anxtiey n depression seem to comr with w/ds so u mite ask the DR for an anti depressant, many of us take them. If you do get on 1, heed the warning on the thomas recipe. You have made the RIGHT choice. When are you starting your taper?

[kimmie32]

Thank you all so much.... I'm not sure how to get off... can any of you tell me what you have done? and what you have taken to help the withdrawals... i'm going to try to taper.... my mom is going to hold them for me.... anything you guys can tell me about how to make a plan would be great... i want to do this... i have too.... i can't live like this anymore... one day i'm going to take too many and die if i do.... and i can't do that too my son.  i do feel like a really horrible person bc this is not who i am really.... and i know this... but at the time none of the things felt wrong... i made up excuses and told myself it was ok and its NOT... its really not... i'm tired of only thinking about pills... checking the clock to see when my last one was and thinking oh it will be okay if i take this ONE early...because i hurt... well... maybe i hurt more because i take so many i don't want to tell my doctor yet... i'm not there yet... but i do go see him on the 18th.... so i will probably tell him then... i want to tell him and see if he can help me with withdrawals... bc i am already on high blood pressure medicine... god how did i get here????? i just don't know.... i kept telling myself the next time i wouldn't take as many and the next time would be better... and i got worse and worse.... it feels like 20 isn't enough... 20 in one day... just thinking about it right now i can't believe myself... but i did that...... yup.... me... thank you all and please keep writing me... i'm going to need you guys a lot... even if all you can do is type on here... it helped thank you.... really

[gnarly_1]

HI Kimmie first off your not a horrible person you are an addict and living in active addictin
it comes with deceit,lye's and manipulation along with a host of other things that or addiction leads to...it will take you places you dont want to go...out of desperation
we all understand what active addiction is like...it dosent make you a horrible person
it makes you a sick person.....but there is a cure...and coming here will help you find it
you don't have to live this way ...you do have to make some changes and we can help you with those changes...first off you have to have the desire to want to end the madness and it sounds like you do...the next step is picking out a plan of attack that will work for you
some taper off...I was on methadone so I had to...others just jump off c/t and go thew about 5 days of hell to get clean ...ether way your going to have to experience some withdrawals along the way...don't let this frighten you..it only temporary and the prize in the end is no longer being chained to a pill bottle...the next step is up to you...only you can decide witch way is best for you...once you decide keep posting we will support you along your journey back there is plenty of us who have been there we will try to help make this as eazy as possible for you good luck and God bless....Gnarly      

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum. You are not a horrible person, these pills have a hold on you and many of us here did things we are not proud of in active use. I was not me, I was a piece of s hit dopehead that only cared about myself while using. We don't have to live like that, there is help and a much better life waiting for you if you truly want it. I do suggest you talk to your dr about this, it may be tough but they can help.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step and I believe the second one is asking for help which you also have:) Come up with a plan on how you want to go about quitting and stick to it. We are here to help and give support so keep posting and talking to us. Your not alone.

[Snugelbear]

HI Kimmie,

       You have taken the first step, the most important step, you have admitted to having a problem. You are not a horrible person, some of the things you have done are horrible yes......but you are not a horrible person, you have a disease called Addiction, you are not a bad person you are an addict. Although I am not an addict I am married to a now 40 day sober Addict.  Together we attend Weekly and sometimes Daily NA meetings, he has found it helpful to know he is not alone, I have found it helpful to know there is hope!!  Contact your health care practioner and or your local NA chapter, one thing they taught us is "just for today" and if that is too much "just for the moment"  Both places can assist you getting into contact with local recovery programs many of which can be done on an outpatient bassis.  Good luck and remember, you are not alone and you do not have to do this alone.  

HUGS Tracy

[IBKleen]

Hi hun,

First I have to tell you - you are not a horrible person. You are just like the rest of us and you have a disease that talks to you and tells you that you "need" the pills to feel better or to feel this, or feel that. You don't. You can have those good feelings without the use of pills.

You will need to first decide how you are going to stop - cold turkey or taper. Tapering requires a lot of work and strength and most of us don't succeed at it. Unless you have a friend or relative who is clean and can hold the pills for you and guide you through the taper, it will not be easy.

So let us know what your plans are to stop and then we can talk about the next most important thing you will need to do and that is engage in some form of aftercare. Getting clean is easy, staying clean is hard (but so worth it).

I can suggest that you speak with your doctor and get honest. There are non-narcotic pain relievers on the market that may help. I know this is a tough one but getting honest is a huge part of getting clean.

I am glad you are here and hope you continue to post and let the folks here help you. There are a lot of experienced and caring people here who will help you through every step.

[cathy5841]

Hi Kimmie and welcome to the forum....I feel the pain in your post...bottom line is you have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get clean and stay that way...admitting you have a problem is the first step...now, are you willing to do whatever it takes?  It takes hard work and dedication to LIVE a sober life.  Do you know if you want to taper or quit c/t?  Taper for some eases the w/ds to a degree, but you will feel them all through the taper...c/t means a week of hell, then it gets better...the physical that is gets better...the mental takes awhile longer...You must have some tyoe aftercare...do some research and see whats the best program for you, there lots of them out there...there is alot of good support here, but it is not aftercare...you can do this..keep us osted on what you decide and we will help you...

[dominosarah]

Hi Kimmie,  You have come to the right place as you wont be alone here.  We know what you are feeling as we have been there.  You dont have to live like this anymore.  There is a better life out there for you.  We will be here to support you but you will have to do the hard work.  Can someone maybe watch your little one for a couple days?  Please dont give up as there is always hope.........sara