Life

Hi all, I am pulling myself up from my slump.  After my relapse, i became very depressed and anxious to say the least.  I am doing all the nessary things i need to do to take control over the situation.  I went to my primary care dr, confessed to him about my love affair for the pills told him about my relapse and wow, the saying goes"the truth shall set you free"!!  Well i felt better getting that off my chest, and as a result i was put on an anti depressant, i am not liking this idea but i do believe its necessary.  So, hopefully in 2 weeks i will notice some improvement.  I am currently on day 8 clean now, i would have been around 80, but its time to forget that mark and just work from day 8.  I cannot begin to stress the importance of AFTERCARE, i found an addiction therapist, she is a blessing, and i see her once a week.  Not going to lie, after one hour in that session, i walk out of there drained.  We all use or used for a reason, basically to escape reality, well, now i am in the learning stages of coping.  The only way  i know how to cope is to take a pill so i really look forward to embracing life and see what its all about clean and sober.  YES, its scary, but its a fact of life.  

[luciddreamrgrl]

I can really relate to this. I'm totally drained after my therapy appointments too. I always turn to a pill also. Every little ailment and pain I pop a pill. I'm glad you told your doctor! That's a great step. Good luck to you. :)

[ImDONENoMore]

My g-d you couldn't have hit the nail more on the head with this post!!  Seriously - it is ALL about learning how to live life - especially the HARD stuff - without taking a pill.  That's exactly what it comes down to.

And you're getting there dane - we all are - slowly - and it's going to get better - then it's going to get hard (life kicks in) they it's better - then it gets hard again - life right?  So until we realize that it's all about WHY we're abusing and not about sheer willpower or "whiteknuckling" our way out of this mess - there's no way we can truly find a way out for good.

THANK you for posting this.  It needed to be said.  :) (you're doing great btw)

[ImDONENoMore]

okay and just a quick interruption here - but I just read vicki's comment about this "new guy" at the top of the page on another thread.  And I'm with her (and ashelen too I think?) - medhelp PLEASE get rid of this depressing image!!  Sheesh!!!!!

[Dane74]

Thanks imdonenomore, hmmmm i wonder were i got those words of advice??? :-)  

As for the pic above, well i view it as depression and that goes hand in hand with addiction, so actually, it's reality.  Just my opinion:)

[ImDONENoMore]

Point taken about "mr. depression" up there - and it's a good point.  :) (but he's going to keep depressing the hell out of me.....)  lol

[LeaAnn807]

I'm proud of you!  If you are leaving therapy drained then something is being done right! (in my experience)  You're gonna be ok.  I'm gonna keep cheering for ya.

OH...and I'm glad you got on an AD.  They can really be helpful if you find the right one and have other aftercare going on to add to it.

[Dane74]

Thank you tramhater!    He put me on Lexapro the lowest dose because he said i am a virgin to SSRI's...:-)   Another aftercare?  Suggestions?

Thank you for all your help

[atthebeach]

hey dana,
i am so happy for you that you are feeling better. there is no condemnation. dont believe the lies of the enemy. another suggestion for aftercare. you dont want to go to na/aa cause of your small town and might see someone. well if they are there, they are seeking help too.
i am giving you the link for celebrate recovery, it is christian based.
it isnt only for substance abuse, check it out and see what you think.
great job on seeing the therapist. i love therapy. i think everyone can benefit from it. substance abuse or not. there are issues everyday that are trying and that cause stress. it is great to have an unbiased outlet.
i hope you can find a meeting near you.

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=118

sending hugs.continued blessings and love

debbie

[gnarly_1]

HI Dane so happy to see you working your way out of your depression im bipolar and know all about them and failur will send me for a loop....I truly think the relaps is more of a mental mindscrew then anything else not to say using is any good but its what it does to you mentally I really struggled to get off the methadone and blew my taper ....my so perfictly planed taper some nights I should have dosed at 20 I would take 100 just to get the dope sick off me only to feel completely defeated the next day I never thought I would be free and what you say we al use for a reason ......your rifght its to escape something ....sometimes we dont even know what its so buried your going to be fine congrats on 8 days of the rest of your life......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

I always thought that using was the addiction, little did i know that using was only a symptom.  That was a huge "aha" moment for me.  Keeping working with your therapist as it seems you have a good one!  I think the idea of the AD med is good too.  Getting over this hump is important and being depressed can really keep a person down.  

Congrats on those 8 days and for fessin up to the doctor!!!  Great job!!    sara

[tavia14]

Hi Dane, Loved reading your post! You are beyond and inspiration!!! These are all the things I need to do! The only thing I am afraid of is the anti-depress pills ( for me) but I am so depressed that I think it may be an OK thing. My new doc is a depression specialist so if I can ever get in to see her we will let her be the judge! Anyway this isn't about me its about you and you are doing an amazing job jumping into your recovery! Yay! Keep strong you are helping me more than you will ever know! Thank you!

[vicki595]

Hi Kiddo!

You'll be fine!  Just one foot in front of the other. Aftercare is so many things! It's a therapist or group meetings etc...but it's also about changing things up! Changing routines,old habits,morning rituals (very important)eating "breakfast" at dinnertime...getting dressed up for no reason...pearls and vacuuming?? Yes and yes!!  A new lipstick; a new hair color(you know who you are!) a new book; a new friend. It's endless!!

It's not unusual to be depressed. Many of us were depressed FIRST and used pills to feel better!  

What kind of exercise can you do that won't hurt your leg? Walking...swimming??   You'll feel better!!

Keep writing it all down!!   xoxox

[Dane74]

@ atthebeach, thanks for all your input, and YES there is a Celebrate Recovery in my area, dont know what i am going to do about it yet but i did check into it. Thank you.

@Sara You said" I always thought that using was the addiction, little did i know that using was only a symptom." WOW, pretty powerful words there for sure. If only i can found out the symptom....

@Tavia, I am right here for ya girl, i know the feeling it ***** and to be perfectly frank, i am miserable:(  As for the AD pill, i cant wait for that bad boy to kick it:-)

@ Vicki, Thanks for all the tips, i am considering going to a group thing, just scared to actually walk in that place and everyone stare at me, i feel like i dont fit in there and yet i have never been to one of those places before so i have my thinking cap on and im considering all my options.  Small town though and everyone knows everyone around here.

   To all, thank you so very much for all your input and kind words,  i do listen and try my hardest to utilize all my resources.  Today was just not a good day and for no reason at all other than i am sober and i dont want to be:((  Im sorry for being so down in the dumps, i cant wait for the AD to kick in, i am also feeling mad and angry...UGGGGG, When will this get better?  Im so cranky and the urge to use is through the roof!!!! Good news i dont have any pills, and I AM NOT GOING TO VISIST THE IN LAWS.....LOL

[ImDONENoMore]

Don't underestimate the value of that anger honey - that was one emotion I wasn't prepared for - sadness, yes, fear, yes, worry, yes, but anger?  No.  That feeling caught me off guard.  But I can not tell you how much it helped to let myself BE ANGRY.

Seriously - if you use the anger in a productive way, it's a pretty powerful tool.  Stay angry - only not that you can't use but because of what those awful rotten f-g pills did to us - what we LET them do to us.  That thought used to hit me and that was enough to keep me going another day.

And the AD will take some time as I'm sure you know - they usually take a few weeks before you'll notice any real benefit.  Just one more thing you have to trust will get better with time.  And after everything we've been through - we've gotten pretty damn good at doing that haven't we?

There's a good day waiting for you you'll see.  :)

[vicki595]

I had to laugh when i read "ImDONE's" comment about anger!  OMG! This is funny now but:

Back in January, you were posting about all the issues,WD's,etc...and you said that Tramadol "helped" your withdrawals...I posted two words: "I know".    That girlfriend came unglued!!  "You know????   What???  That's not okay!!!"  YIKes!!   I was smelling smoke!!   LOL She was mad!!
She's calmed down since...(and so have I!)  But, these emotions come at us in all kinds of ways....because...THEY'RE COMING BACK!!

Honestly, tomorrow is another day...

Big hug!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh man vicki I remember that - I was SO ticked at you for saying that!!  LOL  -  um yeah guess I was angry!  lol  too funny...........

[Dane74]

Back in January??  OMG its been that freakin long, how do you remember  that?  Im impressed..LOL  

And vicki...I KNOW!

XOXO

@IMDONE, thats for sharing your "ANGER" issues with me:-)  I get it, so if im angry use it productively!

[Dane74]

OMG!!!! I went back and read the  posts back in MAy, WOW, i was a mess!!! So i can look at it on the bright side i am so much better now than back then.   You and IMDONE are saints for putting up with me :-)

[ImDONENoMore]

You're worth every second.  We're all in this together.  :)

[gnarly_1]

HI DANE was just checking in on you and it seams like your spirit is lifted a bit higher I have been praying for you that God will give you a break threw
YOU CAN DO THIS and its so so worth it once its said and done keep pushing forward I can see you have learned from your mistake thats all you can ask from someone good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

You were always mad at me Dane!!

[vicki595]

HAHAHAHAHA!

I'm not really laughing...I'm hysterical...yes it's finally happened...Medhelp overdose!!

Good Night...

[dominosarah]

huh?

[vicki595]

Overly silly. Tired. Happy. Got a little giddy reading the earlier posts...

Worked on a huge project ALL DAY and just finished it. Very happy about that but probably can't sleep now!!!

And they call it "Life"...and it's all good!

xoxo

[dominosarah]

I worked most of the day and now would like to cut my heel off.  So much pain in that stupid thing, just doesnt get any better.  Gee, i think i am crabby and tired, yep i know i am!!!

[Dane74]

OHHHH sara, I know i was SO MAD at you!!!!!! WAS past tense, i appreciate all that bluntness from you..LOL  You say it like it is and back then WOW, i had to re read it myself i was such a disaster.  You know when I first came on here, i didnt believe i was an addict, and then aftercare was shoved down my face, who knew that was the key element of success at that time in my life.  And then i would here from you, "SO what are you going to do different"!!!!  So YES, i was MAD, but now Im GLAD!!!!!!!!Thank you so much for putting up with me, i know i was a handful and still am, but today is a new day:)
     Yes, Vicki, it's life:-)

[vicki595]

Sara:  The heel thing is bad!!   I hate that,too!   That's why I refuse to work 12 hour shifts!  Come on!!   I pretty much lose my humor after 6 hours!!!

Dana:  She irritated me too!  I thought: "Where is the love"???  LOL!  It wasn't love that I needed AT ALL...I was already being loved to death and THAT wasn't working out...
I know now that she knows exactly what she's doing!

You sound good babygirl!!!

[dominosarah]

You get a feel on who you can give it straight up to and who you cant.  You 2 stood out.  When someone gets mad at what i have said i know i have struck a nerve and said what they NEED to hear.  I havent found anything glamorous about addiction yet but i have found recovery to be very fulfilling~~~sara

[Dane74]

OHHH Sara you struck every nerve in my body...LOL and you know what i am so thankful for that!  I do well with the straight up kind, i might not like it in the beginning but eventually i come around and realize it was done with good intentions.  So please dont hold back with me i need it, i am stronger now than i was back then:)  So props to you for dishing out the truth and not giving a rip what i thought or for that matter anyone thought...  Thats a great quality about you, as for me i am the biggest wimp at there.  
I am hanging on today, i did take a klonopin because i was just so anxious, it calmed me down a bit.  I am also going to email my addiction therapist and ask her about some group thing.  Thats a little nerve racking for me, but i want to give it a try if i can muster up the courage to do so...

[dominosarah]

Sometimes i care too much and it consumes me!  If i didnt give a rip about you and the others i wouldnt bother.  I have to(alot of times) think about the spot the ones suffering are in as i can come across as a harsh old bag and that is never my intentions.  My mouth has gotten me into trouble more than once!  lol

You are not a whimp, trust me on that one!

[Dane74]

Sara, I appreciate all that you did and still do for me, and sorry it consumes you, but put yourself first before others.  I know you care deeply i was just in a deep dark place back then and thought everyone and everything was out to get me, i now see that you only wanted the best for me, and i so appreciate that.  Never hold back your feeling to me, i need to hear it loud and clear....

[gnarly_1]

HOW  you doing tonight Dane//??

[Dane74]

Hi gnarly, thank you for asking, i am hanging in there, going one day at a time, somedays i cant wait for it to be over, this way that is just another day i made clean.  Waiting patiently for the AD med to kick in, the emotions are all over the board.  I reached out to my addiction specialist via email she told me anytime i can, and she is going to take me to a AA meeting on Monday.  I am scared as poop to go through those doors, and i wont go alone, so she says i need to go and is willing to take me, so i would be a fool if i gave up that opportunity.  I dont have a clue as to whats it all about and i hate the unknown, but hey thats "LIFE"   LOL
Thanks for the concern

[vicki595]

She said she'd go with you???  WOW!!  That's great!
You'll be fine. You walk in and folks are gathered around...everyone says hello and welcomes you here and there...it's very casual and laid back from my experience...
Another story...years ago, one of my Uncles had to go to AA. He was getting older,pissed off,couldn't drive there(no license for a few months)...not happy! He was,also, in the early stages of Alzheimer's...

We arrived at the meeting place and folks started coming up to him with warm greetings,"Great to see you", etc...and he was so happy to see so many "friends"!!  He felt right at home (and invited everyone back to the house for a beer!!  UGH!!!)  He thought they all knew him and he felt like the Mayor!!      My point is...I had to drag him kicking and screaming and after that he was dragging ME!!  It was all good...I've been several times more recently(in my home town) and it's still the same!!

Don't worry!!   If we lived closer...I'd go with you!!

How are you today?

[atthebeach]

hi dana,
that is great your therapist will go with you. sometimes it is good to have that arm to lean on. that will be a huge step for you. as i said the other day if you see someone you know, they are also there for help and the meetings are confidential.
please keep your head up. GOD loves you. you are moving forward in the right direction. you are healing. HE is faithful to sustain you.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[Dane74]

Hi Vicki, i know i was in shock that she said she will go with me, she wanted me to go today and i told her i m am too chicken poop to walk in a room filled with people, another issue i have among the many.  But, she made it clear that this is beneficial for my recover and she knows i wont go alone at first, but made it clear that we cannot be friends as it is to detrimental to the therapeutic process so she  won't cross those boundaries, sad becasue i really like her.  Leave it to me that i want to be friends with the shrink... We are the same person from the same mold but i get it, but as you know the truth hurts at times.
   Yesterday was just a day from down under and who knows why, i did take Klonopin i was so anxious all day and came home after dinner and had some wine to unwind a bit, it did help. So, hopefully today is a better day, i am just so blahhhh, and now im freaking out over Monday going to AA.  Im confused with AA and NA?  Why AA, shrink says i will like the place she is taking me too and there are people there like me, but im not an alcoholic. Thank God, i have enough issues to deal with.  

And Vicki, i wish you could take me, you would kick my a$$ through the door and say sit down and listen!!!!!   XOXOOX

[Dane74]

attthebeach, thats for all your words of encouragement, i just pray i dont see anyone, its a small town for sure, i am traveling 30 minutes away so i can avoid running into someone.  But you are right, they are there for the same reason, i just dont trust people, and i am afraid it will be all men in there, i feel it  is more excepted for a man than for a women, i know i have warped views....

[dominosarah]

Walk thru those doors with your head held high.  There will be other women there.  Sit and listen.  You will feel an energy like no other.  Let us know how it goes.

[Dane74]

Does this depression or guilt ever go away?  Today was an another doom and gloom day, and i am freaking out that i am already setting myself up for failure.  Why do i want those darn pills so bad?  Is it the chase im looking for or what?  My mind is all over the board here.  When i was clean for 70 plus days i did not feel this way its ever since the relapse and now its worse than ever.  Most of you have said the detox is the easy part, and the mental part of it all and staying clean is the challenge.  Well, back then i thought y'all were just full of it, and now i get it completely!!!!  I am a slow learner i guess, and i have to experienced for myself to really understand it all.  So my question is this, does relapse make you feel this way? Sorry to all my friends that brought me to where i a today, i see myself heading back to the way i use to be back in Jan.....UGGG sorry for all my issues but it does help me to post and get the feed back from yall. Sorry guys, i know i am the high maintenance addict. sometimes i doubt if i even am an addict, you see my mind just loves to play games with me:((

[atthebeach]

dana,
it happened and there is nothing that can be done now. we only have today. dooming and glooming over it yes will only set you further back and into a downward spiral. the mind is very powerful. you need to speak positive thoughts to yourself constantly. dont let the discouragment set it. get rid of it. now. there is no condemnation  to those in CHRIST JESUS. dont believe those lies of the enemy. he is there to steal,rob,destroy and kill. dont give him a foothold.
you rise up and stand firm.
you are still healing. did you look at the celebrate recovery website?
did you go to the meeting yet, that is close to you?
have you counseled with your pastor and been going to services on sunday? do everything you can to help speed along the healing process.

[ImDONENoMore]

The wine and klonopin is making me a little nervous for you girl.  A benzo can make you feel down (xanax was mine for over 12 years and I was constantly depressed) - and adding wine?  That scares me a bit.

You've come so far - WE see it in you to get past this - only now it's your turn to start to believe that.  It doesn't happen overnight so I totally get why you're feeling down - it's a process and a long one.  Most of the time I was NOT in a good mood and yes, I was sad - just mourning the loss of my "best" friend (the most deceitful AND hateful friend I ever had) and yet I mourned.  Believe me - this passes - it just takes TIME.  A word all addicts hate - we want what we want and we want it NOW right?  Only I'm finding out that real life doesn't work that way.  The good stuff kinda sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  Well, anywho....

Hang in there honey - and please - try to stay away from the klonopin - I think that drug might be triggering you more right now.  Just my opinion.

You know how I feel about you so please I mean this from my heart.  Just trying to look out for you - you remind me so much of myself...and I KNOW you can do this.  :)

[Dane74]

I do go to church regularly, but i am the one that sits in the back and keeps my mouth shut, i do love my pastor, but he does not even have a clue as to who i am.  I am not involved in the church, i just show up for worship.  I did look up the info you gave me and i will do it again tonight, i cant go at nights because hubby is home, so i need to go during the day.  I promise i will look into it again, to be honest i forgot what i even read about it.  The ENEMY, is more powerful right now and i am fighting against him but im losing:(  I am going to my therapist on monday AM and she is taking me to AA, i dont want to go there at all!!!!  I heard the cliental is not for me...I am trying here and just feel like im at a loss.

[Dane74]

Well, the klonopin is for anxiety right?  And that is through the roof!  i dont know what else to do, i am not really a drinker so i am not concerned about that but the wine does take the edge off.  I am nervous about the klonopin myself , but i am hoping the AD med will kick in and then i can toss those away.  I do find myself reaching for a pill and i know its bad and i  am and just falling apart.  I am having a worse day today than yesterday and i HATE to be such a whiner here, but i am just being honest, IMDONEMORE you know that about me:)  So yes the klonopin scares me too, and i am doomed, i will talk with the therapist all about it on Monday.

[ImDONENoMore]

Well I definitely don't think you're DOOMED.  There's a way out of this and you know that.  I just want so much for you to give it the time it deserves without relying on anything - that's all.  And I know how hard you're trying and I respect that.  And I KNOW you can do this I just wish so badly that you would let yourself believe that too!

Seriously dane you had this - and the one slip up you had is totally screwing with your psyche - so don't let it.  It was one stupid mistake - big deal we all make them - the more you acknowledge that the less power it has over you.

I won't lose faith.  And neither should YOU.

[vicki595]

Hey little girl...I agree with everything "ImDONE...." said. (As an aside,I'm sick of having to write out her screen name!! It's too hard!!   So,HEY YOU!!
Can we use your real name here???   Please??? LOL)  I don't dare not ask her first...she gets so cranky!!   LMAO!!!

Okay...Yes!!  The relapse got to you and now it's just time to get over it!!  I think the "label" is bothering you A LOT!!   You already have some low self esteem going on and now to tell yourself you're an addict is pretty distasteful to you. So, here's what we'll do: You're not an addict. You're a woman with health issues/concerns who got caught up in a VERY COMMON TRAP.  You have what I like to call a "Prescription Medication Situation".  You no longer have it. You've detoxed. You're healthier. You took a couple of pills recently. BIG DEAL. You'll take pills again because that's the reality of YOUR life and YOUR chronic situation. In the mean time, you know you have what I also like to call a "proclivity toward taking extra pills."  That's not good and you know it. That's all. You know it and you'll always be mindful of that...

You have an excellent therapist. You're lucky!!  She cannot be a friend and that's a good thing!!  I had a great therapist but I had to fire her. She exhausted me! She had too many problems and thought my little use of a drug that was just "so benign" was nothing in comparison...Now I have Paul and he's perfect!!  Anyway...

Maybe going to that AA meeting is freaking you out! (I know it is!!)  So, don't go!!  There's no law here...you can design your very own aftercare...I can give you some ideas...

So,buck up here. No klonipin (klonopin) for you!  It's a downer and you're already down!!    I'll give you some ideas there too...

If I have to load up the bus and come out there...well...that would be fun,huh???   But, I can yell if I have to...instead, I'll just love you to death...that works too!!  

I know I have "what's-her-name" right with me...LOL!!

[LeaAnn807]

I wanna go too!  : )

Get on with life now, and stop living in gloom and doom.  Don't tread on it any longer!  Mistakes happen.  Don't obsess!

What would you tell me if I had done this?  To punish and torture myself because that is so beneficial and helpful?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[vicki595]

Okay...great...you're on the bus,too!  It's good because you know I have trouble reaching the pedals!!!

I'm thinking this: It's time for a "girl's weekend" !!!    SARA???

[LeaAnn807]

LMAO..........not to hijack the thread, but how is the temp down there, Vicki?  I mean, I'm up in the 5 ft 6 in altitude!!! : )

Girls weekend? Wouldn't that be SO much fun??  OMG!

[Dane74]

I dont think my little screw up mentally doesn't freak me out as much anymore, the guilt is there but i am getting over that.  It's more about the way i feel now after the mishap.  I was feeling great when i was 70 days clean, very little cravings stamina came back and life was pretty good. I was not dealing with depressionat all, for that matter i NEVER did.  I personally think i screwed with my head and feed it the opiates that it wanted and i am physically back to the beginning.  Not sure if i should say this or not, please dont take offense to anyone reading, but i just want to get high one last time....  Is this normal? I hate to even say it but its true.  As for the klonopin, it's a downer? i will do some research on that, but YES, i am taking to many of them thinking it will help, so i dont even know if it does or not, my mind thinks it helps im sure.  

@HEY YOU, yeah your name is way to long to type, so for now on it's HEy you!!!!! LMAO  I get what your saying completely, and i know i had this, but thats past tense now, now i dont have it now, and its driving me crazy.  One more week and then the AD should kick in, maybe that will help.  I have to get passed the urge to use so bad and thats knocking me out, so thats why i have been turing to klonopin and wine. Thanks for the confidence in me, but please dont have it now, i dont want to let anyone down even more than i have already.

@vicki, You always seems to know just what to say, i swear you know me like a freaking book, it is scary how well you know me!!!!  YES, the word addict is not something i can get over right now and i even question if i am or not.  LOAD up the bus come on, i will make the chocolate cake...LOLThank you so much it does amazes me how well you know me and yes "HEY YOU" come hop on the bus too we can all chow down on some cake...LOL   I love you guys to pieces, thank you....Guess what, i actually have a smile on my face right now...XOOXO

[Dane74]

YES, Sara and tramhater, come on the bus too, we can eat and be merry, but Sara, you have to be promise to be nice to me...LMAO....Just kidding Sara, i love it that you dish it out to me..XOXO

[atthebeach]

i will just meet you all there i am closer. i will leave tomorrow morning.
yea, cant wait, i love road trips.

[vicki595]

Debbie-  Yes, actually you're closer but you can swing by PA and pick up IBK...Oh...and "ImDONE"...she's closer to you and she can take the train south to meet you!

I have the LONG ride from NM to MN to get Sara....Man!! This sounds like a campaign trail!!  Then on to Arkansas!!

Okay...Now...Miss DANA! Listen here!  KLONOPIN is a downer; a BENZO and you should know that!!  Now,I'll tell you ANOTHER story:

You know this guy Thomas who has that old recipe that's posted everywhere???   Well, Thomas was a brilliant guy. Brilliant. Used a lot of opiates. Detoxed a thousand times and was the guru of detox!  He did get clean more or less and was having a more normal lifestyle....
One day he took a little Xanax...A LITTLE....(A BENZO)  and later had a little wine ( true freaking story) and fell asleep that night FOR FREAKING EVER! He's DEAD!  GONE!  

So knock that **** off!  I mean it. And don't start crying!   Take a Benadryl and go to bed!!!  In the morning, call your therapist and tell her you are about to relapse...no offense taken but if you want to get high one more time...you will.

Love,Vicki

[ImDONENoMore]

dane - vicki's right here about the wanting to get high one more time thing.  Relapse starts long before you actually take that pill.  It's the thoughts that bring you to that place.

Which is why I think it's a great idea to talk to the therapist NOW.  Reach out and tell her you need help - that you're feeling vulnerable and that you want to use.  A.  She'll think it's great that you chose to go to HER and not the drugs to deal with these feelings, and B. YOU'LL feel better.  You just will.

I think, at least for me, it was the helpless feeling I felt ALL the time while using that kept me there  -  it was like "to hell with it - I'm an addict and always will be so why suffer"?  Only I found that after I opened up to those around me (hubby especially) I suddenly felt this power that I had not felt EVER while taking the pills.  That I - ME - was finally in control of my behavior and could face what I needed to to get clean.

Now come on girl - we KNOW you can do this - like I said before - give yourself time to believe that.  DON'T let the one slip determine who you're going to be TODAY.  That's the great thing about life - as long as you're not using you have a chance each and every day to be well.

:)

[vicki595]

Dana-  Where are you?   Check in or send a PM...