Life

[Dane74]

Hi all, I am pulling myself up from my slump.  After my relapse, i became very depressed and anxious to say the least.  I am doing all the nessary things i need to do to take control over the situation.  I went to my primary care dr, confessed to him about my love affair for the pills told him about my relapse and wow, the saying goes"the truth shall set you free"!!  Well i felt better getting that off my chest, and as a result i was put on an anti depressant, i am not liking this idea but i do believe its necessary.  So, hopefully in 2 weeks i will notice some improvement.  I am currently on day 8 clean now, i would have been around 80, but its time to forget that mark and just work from day 8.  I cannot begin to stress the importance of AFTERCARE, i found an addiction therapist, she is a blessing, and i see her once a week.  Not going to lie, after one hour in that session, i walk out of there drained.  We all use or used for a reason, basically to escape reality, well, now i am in the learning stages of coping.  The only way  i know how to cope is to take a pill so i really look forward to embracing life and see what its all about clean and sober.  YES, its scary, but its a fact of life.  

[luciddreamrgrl]

I can really relate to this. I'm totally drained after my therapy appointments too. I always turn to a pill also. Every little ailment and pain I pop a pill. I'm glad you told your doctor! That's a great step. Good luck to you. :)

[ImDONENoMore]

My g-d you couldn't have hit the nail more on the head with this post!!  Seriously - it is ALL about learning how to live life - especially the HARD stuff - without taking a pill.  That's exactly what it comes down to.

And you're getting there dane - we all are - slowly - and it's going to get better - then it's going to get hard (life kicks in) they it's better - then it gets hard again - life right?  So until we realize that it's all about WHY we're abusing and not about sheer willpower or "whiteknuckling" our way out of this mess - there's no way we can truly find a way out for good.

THANK you for posting this.  It needed to be said.  :) (you're doing great btw)

[ImDONENoMore]

okay and just a quick interruption here - but I just read vicki's comment about this "new guy" at the top of the page on another thread.  And I'm with her (and ashelen too I think?) - medhelp PLEASE get rid of this depressing image!!  Sheesh!!!!!

[Dane74]

Thanks imdonenomore, hmmmm i wonder were i got those words of advice??? :-)  

As for the pic above, well i view it as depression and that goes hand in hand with addiction, so actually, it's reality.  Just my opinion:)

[ImDONENoMore]

Point taken about "mr. depression" up there - and it's a good point.  :) (but he's going to keep depressing the hell out of me.....)  lol

[LeaAnn807]

I'm proud of you!  If you are leaving therapy drained then something is being done right! (in my experience)  You're gonna be ok.  I'm gonna keep cheering for ya.

OH...and I'm glad you got on an AD.  They can really be helpful if you find the right one and have other aftercare going on to add to it.

[Dane74]

Thank you tramhater!    He put me on Lexapro the lowest dose because he said i am a virgin to SSRI's...:-)   Another aftercare?  Suggestions?

Thank you for all your help

[atthebeach]

hey dana,
i am so happy for you that you are feeling better. there is no condemnation. dont believe the lies of the enemy. another suggestion for aftercare. you dont want to go to na/aa cause of your small town and might see someone. well if they are there, they are seeking help too.
i am giving you the link for celebrate recovery, it is christian based.
it isnt only for substance abuse, check it out and see what you think.
great job on seeing the therapist. i love therapy. i think everyone can benefit from it. substance abuse or not. there are issues everyday that are trying and that cause stress. it is great to have an unbiased outlet.
i hope you can find a meeting near you.

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=118

sending hugs.continued blessings and love

debbie

[gnarly_1]

HI Dane so happy to see you working your way out of your depression im bipolar and know all about them and failur will send me for a loop....I truly think the relaps is more of a mental mindscrew then anything else not to say using is any good but its what it does to you mentally I really struggled to get off the methadone and blew my taper ....my so perfictly planed taper some nights I should have dosed at 20 I would take 100 just to get the dope sick off me only to feel completely defeated the next day I never thought I would be free and what you say we al use for a reason ......your rifght its to escape something ....sometimes we dont even know what its so buried your going to be fine congrats on 8 days of the rest of your life......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

I always thought that using was the addiction, little did i know that using was only a symptom.  That was a huge "aha" moment for me.  Keeping working with your therapist as it seems you have a good one!  I think the idea of the AD med is good too.  Getting over this hump is important and being depressed can really keep a person down.  

Congrats on those 8 days and for fessin up to the doctor!!!  Great job!!    sara

[tavia14]

Hi Dane, Loved reading your post! You are beyond and inspiration!!! These are all the things I need to do! The only thing I am afraid of is the anti-depress pills ( for me) but I am so depressed that I think it may be an OK thing. My new doc is a depression specialist so if I can ever get in to see her we will let her be the judge! Anyway this isn't about me its about you and you are doing an amazing job jumping into your recovery! Yay! Keep strong you are helping me more than you will ever know! Thank you!

[vicki595]

Hi Kiddo!

You'll be fine!  Just one foot in front of the other. Aftercare is so many things! It's a therapist or group meetings etc...but it's also about changing things up! Changing routines,old habits,morning rituals (very important)eating "breakfast" at dinnertime...getting dressed up for no reason...pearls and vacuuming?? Yes and yes!!  A new lipstick; a new hair color(you know who you are!) a new book; a new friend. It's endless!!

It's not unusual to be depressed. Many of us were depressed FIRST and used pills to feel better!  

What kind of exercise can you do that won't hurt your leg? Walking...swimming??   You'll feel better!!

Keep writing it all down!!   xoxox

[Dane74]

@ atthebeach, thanks for all your input, and YES there is a Celebrate Recovery in my area, dont know what i am going to do about it yet but i did check into it. Thank you.

@Sara You said" I always thought that using was the addiction, little did i know that using was only a symptom." WOW, pretty powerful words there for sure. If only i can found out the symptom....

@Tavia, I am right here for ya girl, i know the feeling it ***** and to be perfectly frank, i am miserable:(  As for the AD pill, i cant wait for that bad boy to kick it:-)

@ Vicki, Thanks for all the tips, i am considering going to a group thing, just scared to actually walk in that place and everyone stare at me, i feel like i dont fit in there and yet i have never been to one of those places before so i have my thinking cap on and im considering all my options.  Small town though and everyone knows everyone around here.

   To all, thank you so very much for all your input and kind words,  i do listen and try my hardest to utilize all my resources.  Today was just not a good day and for no reason at all other than i am sober and i dont want to be:((  Im sorry for being so down in the dumps, i cant wait for the AD to kick in, i am also feeling mad and angry...UGGGGG, When will this get better?  Im so cranky and the urge to use is through the roof!!!! Good news i dont have any pills, and I AM NOT GOING TO VISIST THE IN LAWS.....LOL

[ImDONENoMore]

Don't underestimate the value of that anger honey - that was one emotion I wasn't prepared for - sadness, yes, fear, yes, worry, yes, but anger?  No.  That feeling caught me off guard.  But I can not tell you how much it helped to let myself BE ANGRY.

Seriously - if you use the anger in a productive way, it's a pretty powerful tool.  Stay angry - only not that you can't use but because of what those awful rotten f-g pills did to us - what we LET them do to us.  That thought used to hit me and that was enough to keep me going another day.

And the AD will take some time as I'm sure you know - they usually take a few weeks before you'll notice any real benefit.  Just one more thing you have to trust will get better with time.  And after everything we've been through - we've gotten pretty damn good at doing that haven't we?

There's a good day waiting for you you'll see.  :)

[vicki595]

I had to laugh when i read "ImDONE's" comment about anger!  OMG! This is funny now but:

Back in January, you were posting about all the issues,WD's,etc...and you said that Tramadol "helped" your withdrawals...I posted two words: "I know".    That girlfriend came unglued!!  "You know????   What???  That's not okay!!!"  YIKes!!   I was smelling smoke!!   LOL She was mad!!
She's calmed down since...(and so have I!)  But, these emotions come at us in all kinds of ways....because...THEY'RE COMING BACK!!

Honestly, tomorrow is another day...

Big hug!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh man vicki I remember that - I was SO ticked at you for saying that!!  LOL  -  um yeah guess I was angry!  lol  too funny...........

[Dane74]

Back in January??  OMG its been that freakin long, how do you remember  that?  Im impressed..LOL  

And vicki...I KNOW!

XOXO

@IMDONE, thats for sharing your "ANGER" issues with me:-)  I get it, so if im angry use it productively!

[Dane74]

OMG!!!! I went back and read the  posts back in MAy, WOW, i was a mess!!! So i can look at it on the bright side i am so much better now than back then.   You and IMDONE are saints for putting up with me :-)

[ImDONENoMore]

You're worth every second.  We're all in this together.  :)

[gnarly_1]

HI DANE was just checking in on you and it seams like your spirit is lifted a bit higher I have been praying for you that God will give you a break threw
YOU CAN DO THIS and its so so worth it once its said and done keep pushing forward I can see you have learned from your mistake thats all you can ask from someone good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

You were always mad at me Dane!!

[vicki595]

HAHAHAHAHA!

I'm not really laughing...I'm hysterical...yes it's finally happened...Medhelp overdose!!

Good Night...

[dominosarah]

huh?

[vicki595]

Overly silly. Tired. Happy. Got a little giddy reading the earlier posts...

Worked on a huge project ALL DAY and just finished it. Very happy about that but probably can't sleep now!!!

And they call it "Life"...and it's all good!

xoxo