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Avatar universal

Life's decisions and what they mean to those around us.

I can't speak for others, but for me, years of methadone addiction and the disease helped me become a very selfish individual.
With every day getting better, it becomes clearer to me the vast amends I must make to family and friends alike.  Materialistic desires have but all vanished from my thoughts and are now being replaced with a desire to help repair emotional damage that I have caused without knowing until now.
The main benifactor of my relentless self pity and emotional wreckage was unfortunately my daughter as I was the only parent that was around to spend time with her. Mom was gone emotionally and physically most of the time so we went through life together.
Her undying love for her Dad and was shaken when after a car wreck, I was airlifted to the hospital and given Nubain.  Since I was an opiate addict, detox occurred almost immediately and I began to yell and move uncontrollably.  From the waiting room, my daughter heard me and ran back to see what the problem was only to encounter an ER doctor reviewing my chart and finally reading that I was on methadone.  When she asked what was wrong, he yelled, "Your Dad is nothing more than an Addict.". Even in as rough a shape as I was, I still remember her face.
Forgiveness is easily attained simply by asking but the emotional pain and suffering of those around us could take years to repair if at all.
Most of us here have found a way to get back our lives.  But what about those victims we left in our paths?  Do they not deserve the same dedication and time we spend on ourselves?

God Bless,
Mike
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the honesty in your post. It rings of truth. How many victims have we steamrolled during our addiction? I know that I have personally put other's feelings aside and have only been concerned about me. What the Doctor said in the ER was totally out of line. Some Doc's think they are God.

You helped me when I was down and for that I'm grateful. As addicts, we tend to see the bad in ourselves and not the good. I read the posts on this forum and there are so many helping hands. I know that I am hard on myself, as is most addicts I know.

It's my opinion that we must try to make ammends with those we hurt. It will be painful but unless we clean up our mess, I fear we will carry it around with us until we die. I know that if I don't attempt to reconcile, I will look back later in life and wished I had. I'm fortunate to have an understanding wife and family. They understand that it was not "me" that cut such deep scars.....it was my addiction.

Methman, you have been an inspiration to many on this board and for that you should feel some sense of pride. May you find the peace in your heart we're all searching for.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the kind words.  This disease is quite a humbling experience, at least it has been for me.  And if something that I've said helped someone in some small way, it's even more humbling.

All the best,
Mike
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Avatar universal
that was absolutley horrible.  that doc was evil!  i don't expect the average person to understand addiction, but medical professionals should never be that way.  unfortunately, our society is especially cruel to us.  sometimes i think i'd switch places with anybody who was clean for one day, just to let them see what it feels like.  but then i think, i honestly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  i can't say i've been emotionally cruel or moody with anybody (EXCEPT MYSELF)-- and that's just as bad.  i was clean for about two months, but slipped yesterday.  my back is hurting sooo much, but i know if one of my dearest, closest friends had not died yesterday, i wouldn't have resorted to using last night.  it helps me cope.  it's miserable, but i couldn't help it.  i'm so sorry for slipping, everybody.  i've said a few times to everybody here "we can do this!"  but, wow, i slipped and i'm so bummed out.  i'm going to miss one of the dearest people to have ever been on this earth so much.  i'm sorry i was weak.  i hope somebody reads this and has some words of encouragement.  i'm just so down.  you are all wonderful people, so special.
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Avatar universal
It's true what you say about addiction and selfishness.  I read somewhere that the only way to truly heal is to go back to all the people you have hurt and say you are sorry or do something nice to try and make up for it.  That may mean going way back.  I tried it with an old girlfriend I hadn't really talked with in awhile.  I had been judgemental about something, and it had bothered me for a really long time.  When I called her from out of the blue, she was mostly just really happy to hear from me.  I apologized, but she didn't (or claimed to not) remember what I was talking about.  What I read said that each time you go back and do that, another hole in your soul gets patched.

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Avatar universal
WOW Mike, you are sumfin else!  i've alreaedy been crying today and now you got me ballin!  I suspect you are a very intelligent man with your sense of humor and then to hear your depth here is awesome.  i am facing the effects right now of my addiction on my prescious daughter.  Mommy is too selfish right now and not really here with her.  Not in spirit that is only in body.  She deserves all of me.  She needs alll of me.  
Take care!
Suzie
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Avatar universal
Even when i was on Hydro's, I spent alot of time with my daughter UNTIL I was on it too long.  All I wanted to do was take one nap everyday when my hubby was home.  Right now, it seems to me as though my husband has turned from a supportive wonderful loving guy to a bitter person..this has occured since my release from Detox.  When I was on the pills, he loved me.  Now, because I have to DEAL with my Migraines and Endometriosis pain, he has cursed me out TWICE in 2 days in front of our 7 year old.  I am so hurt and feel so empty.  I tried to talk to him about this, but just like his parents, he is NEVER worong.  I always seem to be saying sorry to him and admit my faults, but I feel as though I am now paying the price for admitting to him I had a problem with Hydro's.  His mother felt that because she took care of my 3 kids for 2 weeks while I went through the Detox process (she offered for up to 30 days, whatever I needed) that she could could tell ALL her friends about my addiction!  I specifically asked her to keep this within the immediate family, no further.  She has betrayed me.  I talked to her about this myself and her comment was the same as my husbands..well, I can say or do whatever I want when I am watching your kids.  My husband does not see why I am hurt.  I will never trust them again.  I really just want to turn to pills right now more than ever.  I can't take the emotional pain and the physical pain.  My husband feels as though he has done everything to help and that I am being selfish.  He has helped, but has complained about it every minute since I got through the frist 2 weeks of Detox. He use to be way more helpful and understanding.  Now he is not the person I married..yells at me, curses at me in front of my daughter..didn't even care when I passed out and hit my head on the floor and lost consiousness..he said "oh, I thought I heard a loud thump earlier".  I have no idea how long I was out for..he was in bed sleeping.  I guess drinking Rum and Coke the night before didn't help.  I HATE alcohol, never liked it but I was looking for a escape from my headaches and pain.  I just would do ANYTHING for a pill right now.  My head is throbbing, I can't stop crying and I have pain in the abdomen that is just exhausting me.  I now most of you would say get counseling with my husband,,been there, done that.  Even the counselor told my husband that his mom needs to stop controlling him and that he needs to make some changes..he never listens.  The only thing I can think of right now is DIVORCE..but I can't hurt my kids like that.  Believe me, I'm not perfect, and I have my faults..but at least I can admit to them and say sorry everytime!  I know this has been frustating and exhausting for him..I see that.  But, we DO have 11 month old twins..the counselor told him to hire help if he can't understand what I am going through. He is constantly down on me as I see it.  Anyone there that can help me get through this?  My doc won't give me ANYTHING for my pain..nothing.  He says deal with it.  I was addicted to Hydro's once for 3 months then 2 months later on.  Never had a problem with any other Naracotic..never, and I've had 7 surgeries.  Please help.  I have no where else to turn.
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Avatar universal
You are all too kind.   I honestly think that you can't imagine the depth of dispair associated with this disease unless you witness it personally.  And who would wish that on anyone?

Southernbelle...
There is a difference between slipping and falling.  You slipped.  Get up, dust yourself off and keep going.  None of us are perfect.  Maybe that is part of the disease talking to you.  Look, I got you again.  It's your choice.  If you want to walk from it, then walk.  You simply made a mistake. That's what humans do.. they make mistakes.  It's what we do with the knowledge of these mistakes that makes us who we are.

Rock on Girl....
Mike
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Avatar universal
Sweet woman..I know where u are at. I've been ther.  My husband used to be very supportive and let me lay my head on his lap and massage it and just support me any way wiht genuine concern.  then it stopped. For some reason some people just cant be that giving and selfless.  they get resentful and they are not really consiously aware o f it i do  not believe.  But..as i said if my  man really loved me with his whole heart and soul. he would help me any way he could.  To resent a person who has chronic pain and the disease of addiction is backward and frankly could be seen as cruel.  Well, i stayed with him for over 10 years of misery and now i am soo glad i am getting  divorced.  No the divorce is hell.  but...this is my only life.  I want to get to the mountain top and i know i cant with him.  All the experts now say do not stay for the children.   Although that is easeir said than done.  That is why i stayed so long.  But how is it healthy / good for them to see anger, resentment, lack of intimacy, no passion, no true partnership, and then that is what they learn about marriage and they end up in the same boat as adults!
Well hope this was not too harsh!
Take care and you are in my prayers!
Suzie
e-mail me if ya like at ***@****
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Avatar universal
Everything will be okay.  ALWAYS follow your heart -- AND your instinct.  Trust yourself.  If you know you are in the right, then stand your ground.  You'll find support here.  I've been married for 13 years, and I have two exquisite, precious little girls.  (Aren't our kids great?).  My husband is my rock, but trust me, we've had our mountains and valleys.  We've been close to divorce twice since we've been married.  All I can say is only YOU know what truly needs to be done.  You know what you ought to do.  To thine ownself be true!  Be honest with yourself.  You only get one shot at this life, there are no second chances.  Do what makes you happy.  And don't be afraid.  Your kids will be fine no matter what.  As long as they have love, they will be ok.  And I can promise you that from experience.  Kids are resilient and just need love.  By that I mean, as long as they are always SURE you love them no matter what, then everything will be okay.  And nobody else will ever know what it's like to be you.  Only YOU know what needs to be done.  I had endometriosis, too, really bad, actually had to have some of my intestines removed it had grown so bad.  The pain is INTENSE, it is real.  If you have to take something for pain, then so be it.  Just don't abuse.  Endo causes legitimate pain.  I went through hell with it, so I understand.  Be strong.  If you need to talk, email me....***@****.  Love and peace to you.  Everything WILL be okay!
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Avatar universal
It's not too harsh.  I think my husband is letting his parents have too much influence..they are not being patient with me and understanding that I have real headaches, real pain.  My husband threw in my face that he has my med list from the pharmacy and that he couldn't believe how much stuff was there.  What he doesn't realize, is that most of the meds I either had a reaction of some kind or made me vomit.  I know my sweet guy is still in there somewhere.  It's really bad cause he works for his dad  so they know when I am feeling yucky.  We almost got a divorce over this once..was seperated for 6 months.  I still don't think my husband saw any of his or his parents faults.  Even the Counselor/Mediator he picked couldn't get through to him.  When we got back together, he fianlly saw what his mother was doing.  Now, he's back at putting her on a pedalstel and I come second.  I remember when I got my shot of Stadol for my migraine..to make a long story short, my mother in laws Cadilacc broke down after we were leaving the doc's office..she didn't even realize I was still with her cause she was more concerned about her car which was still in a valid parking space, anyway, I called a girlfriend to come and get me cause I was out of it with 3 kids, so she did, took me home and I thanked my mother in law 3 times for taking me to the doc, and explained that I was really out of it and needed to lay down and she said ok, a friend is coming to pull my cr home in 30 mis..  An hour later I get a phone call from the husband..he didn't ask how I felt or what the doc had said..all he said as soon as I answered the phone is "make sure you thank my mom"  I told him I did 3 times already and he said "well, she feels as though you weren't thankful enough!!!  I told him that I was concentrating on getting rest and that I already thanked her 3 times, and he called me selfish, etc..I went off on him and his mother..she DENIED saying anything to my husband then finally Admitted it!!  I can't take this.  My husband I thought realized all this **** when we seperated for 6 months and now we are back to the same ****.  I've really had it.
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Avatar universal
I just posted a long letter to you and it wouldn't let me post it..saying too many users.  My head is throbbing..I called the doc again!  Still haven't heard back since 2 hrs ago.  ANyway, I'll e-mail you when this headache goes away.  Thanks for answering my post.
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Avatar universal
OPPS!  I guess it did post the above long letter!  Sorry!
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Avatar universal
Not to be rude or start anything with you but mrmichael isn't the ******* you make him out to be.If it wasn't for him dragging me out of my fog I would have been dead weeks ago.believe me.
All of this is starting to sound way to familiar doesn't it.
You have always been kind to me and I have no reason to flame you BUT please try and understand he is very good people.
As for the other forum,it is great.No BS no rudeness only a helpful bunch of people communicating with each other.I know Mariposa came there and didn't make it there but that wasn't my fault it was hers.I only repeated the rules to her when she started her usual flaming.(And Mariposa don't start again please).It's the truth.As I said hellbent, mrmichael isn't an ******* or whatever you think.He is a very caring and informed
man.Sincerly,bmac
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Avatar universal
Stuff is tough coming back from detox.  I am facing the same sort of issues you are but reversed.  It is my wife that is the one that's "assisting" me.
Here are some observations that I have gathered that MAY make sense and help you understand:
1. If your significant other is very defensive, combative and demanding, by you getting OFF meds, it's a sign of loosing CONTROL over you.  This is in my case, I can not speak for yours.
2.  Misery loves company.  When someone is hurt, others WILL talk.  "Ohh.. I'm having it hard.  My Wife/Husband/Daughter/Brother/Sister/Aunt/Uncle is addicted and I have to bear the brunt.  Woe is me.  Don't give em the power.
3.  New feelings are uncovered once we clear our head.  Have they ALWAYS been there like this?  Or are we just starting to see it now?
4.  Society has labeled our disease as "shameful", therefore we try to hide ourselves from further injury.  I've found a full frontal direct approach freaks them out.  The occasional hand shake, "How ya doin'" (use southern drawl here) when prying for information really can be derailed by saying, "Well, I am finished detoxing from a major case of <enter drug of choice here> and feeling like ****.  How are you doin'"?

I learned a cool tool when I got out of rehab about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  When someone confronts you and you do NOT want to engage, then all you say is, "You may be right." and walk off.  You're not saying they are right or they are wrong, but there is no where for them to go when you say that.  Try it.  They just stand there expecting you to argue and you lay that on em.  They look at you like you've walked over their graves.

There's only one person that you can take care of really.  You.  Hang strong.  There are those that would try to turn you back if they could.  Don't feed them.


Love,
Mike
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Avatar universal
Spoken like a true gentlemen!
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Avatar universal
Stuff is tough coming back from detox.  I am facing the same sort of issues you are but reversed.  It is my wife that is the one that's "assisting" me.
Here are some observations that I have gathered that MAY make sense and help you understand:
1. If your significant other is very defensive, combative and demanding, by you getting OFF meds, it's a sign of loosing CONTROL over you.  This is in my case, I can not speak for yours.
2.  Misery loves company.  When someone is hurt, others WILL talk.  "Ohh.. I'm having it hard.  My Wife/Husband/Daughter/Brother/Sister/Aunt/Uncle is addicted and I have to bear the brunt.  Woe is me.  Don't give em the power.
3.  New feelings are uncovered once we clear our head.  Have they ALWAYS been there like this?  Or are we just starting to see it now?
4.  Society has labeled our disease as "shameful", therefore we try to hide ourselves from further injury.  I've found a full frontal direct approach freaks them out.  The occasional hand shake, "How ya doin'" (use southern drawl here) when prying for information really can be derailed by saying, "Well, I am finished detoxing from a major case of <enter drug of choice here> and feeling like ****.  How are you doin'"?

I learned a cool tool when I got out of rehab about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  When someone confronts you and you do NOT want to engage, then all you say is, "You may be right." and walk off.  You're not saying they are right or they are wrong, but there is no where for them to go when you say that.  Try it.  They just stand there expecting you to argue and you lay that on em.  They look at you like you've walked over their graves.

There's only one person that you can take care of really.  You.  Hang strong.  There are those that would try to turn you back if they could.  Don't feed them.


Love,
Mike
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Avatar universal
What happened?  I only posted that LONG drawn out post once, and it shows up twice.  I didn't hit the post button twice but did use a new character (The one to the right of the M key capitalized).  Maybe the board thought it was a header tag or something.  Anyway, excuse the redundancy.
Mike
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Avatar universal
You are forgiven,but don't let it happen again!I you do it will be deer meat and grits for you!!
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Avatar universal
The deer meat I can handle. The grits... well, you've had grits haven't you?  
Peace my brother,
Mike
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52704 tn?1387020797
Sometimes I think I've got it tough.

Sometimes I pray to God to help me completely out of the mess I got myself into with hydro, thinking I just want to get my life back and have the hydro use as nothing but a distant and hard to fathom memory.

This weekend some folks I know found their high school aged daughter dead in her bed.  She had been in an accident several years ago, with a lot of facial damage.  Apparently, there was some undetected opening into her skull from her sinuses and what would have otherwise been a minor infection killed her without warning.

So right now I'm thinking I'm very lucky and I need to stop all the whining I do (even if it's only to myself).  I may have made a mess of things, but all the pieces were left more-or-less within reach.  All I need to do is pick them up and hold them in place until the glue dries.

I don't know what I'd do if one of my 4 kids was snatched from me --  I don't think they make the type of glue needed to fix that.

CATUF
@51
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Avatar universal
I'm with you Catuf.  I think both of us have it made compared to some of the stuff others are dealing with on a daily basis.  It's quite humbling to realize that I got away with a lot and am pretty much unscathed.  There are people here that have to deal with the pain for a lifetime. And here I find myself whining about my withdrawal symptoms.
There's an old saying I like. "There's no such thing as a normal life.  There's just life.  Get on with living it."

Another favorite of mine (which has nothing to do with this thread) is from Mark Twain.
"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have no influence in society."

For what it's worth...

All the best,
Mike
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Avatar universal
hi catuf.  your post sounded eerie to me.  i just found out yesterday that a very very close family/childhood friend died.  he was the picture of perfect health...tall, handsome, health conscious---he had a brain aneurysm, all of a sudden -- he just slumped over and died right next to his sweet wife.  it is breaking my heart.  he will be missed so much.  we grew up together.  and i mean grew up together.  he was practically my brother.  sometimes i can't stand myself for being so wretched.  here i am with this addiction that i'm really afraid to face.  and right now, his mom is sedated and is grieving so much she can't talk.  sometimes i don't like this world too much.  it's too much to take.  guess that's why i slip and take these pills...it just helps me cope, i guess.
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Avatar universal
We call a truce, and then you find out my personal email address and email me there...when I ask how did you get this address, you lie and say medhelp gave it to you.  When I ask you again where you got it, you conveniently stay quiet.  Why are you doing this?  Why do you lie?  I had said NOTHING on the new forum to warrant your post to me...you immediately assumed I needed a detailed list of the rules from you.  You set me up to fail there, as we had already been fighting here and I went there to basically escape from you.  If I had known you were there, I would never have accepted Michael's invitation.  

You asked when you crossed way over the appropriate boundaries into my PERSONAL email if I wanted you to stop posting here...that I could have this forum and you could have the other.  My answer is yes...please.  Please let me try to have peace here...I am really trying.
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Avatar universal
First of all, what is wrong with this forum today, I have posted a couple of times in the last few minutes and it says to reload or something.

Lizzy, I wrote you a long email and aol kicked me off and I lost my hotmail email to you.  Talk about frustrating, I will write you again in a little while..I'm still here with you.  

Hugs
Suze
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