Lost, confused, dont know where to start, or if I can

[findmyway]

Hi all,  I am just so messed up, I dont even know what is what anymore.  First off, I have been trying to come off percocets for about 3 months now.  I had taken them after a surgery for 3yrs.  I stopped c/t a couple months ago, OMG! that was sooo horrible, painful, and scary.  then slowly started back, but at a smaller dose, maybe about 3-5 a day, then jumped again, lasted about 2wks., also had told my PM doc, he gave me gabapentin, so I started that, but still ended up starting back on the percs, same amount 3-5 a day.  Now Im still at it, and still trying to fight to get off them.  I am sooo depressed, I feel like Im out of it, Im isolated, and to make things worst, I believe Im at the beginning of menopause or something as well, so everything is doubled, emotional wise, depression, hopelessness, wondering why Im even living.  This is soo awful.  I just want to throw in the towel, and give up most of the time.  I hate to even see the morning come, Im so depressed.  Now what bothers me to, is I have a some close family friends that are married, and him and his wife, also take oxy, and, percs, lyrica.  They dont think they have a problem, they been taking for years for pain, and surgery they had, now the wife says she thinks she may have a problem, and she gets depressed as well, but what shocks me is they just seem to continue on, and they are just fine with taking this mess.  Its like they are not feeling like Im feeling or something.  I am soooo miserable right now, that I cant even take it, I feel so lost, I dont know where to start to fix me at this time.  I continue to try to stop, scared of the withdrawals again, but I gotta stop this madness.  I absolutely hate the way Im feeling.  I see now that once the withdrawal physically is over, my problem, which is really hard is to stay off, its the mental part where I will have the hardest time.  I have even seriouly considered suboxone, but actually after reading up on it,and watching the videos, it kinda scares me to, because if you think about it, yes it probly will help, but it to is in the opiate family, and it has to have some withdrawal to come off of them as well!  Makes sense right?  I want to also say, I think because I have to take other pills, like blood pressure, and cholesterol, sinus pills, the fact of regularly taking any pills, just the routine of popping pills has an effect because your in the habit of popping pills, so that does not help mentally...ya know.  The habit of taking pills.....ya know.  

I also have some crazy financial things going on that depress me as well, just makes me want to use to escape.  I just feel like my whole life is just a wreck that cannot be fixed.  I am a mess as well.  What am I gonna do?  Then I also wonder if I manage to overcome this sickening addiction, and fully clean from them, will my mind, and old self return?  Honestly will it, cause it just seems like it wont.  I want to be happy again.  God was I a wonderful happy person before all this mess.  Can I find her again?How can I tell if the depression is being caused by menopause, or just the addiction Im in?  I want to stop, its just sooo hard.  Then staying stopped is even harder.I know I must sound absolutely crazy, but I needed to tell somebody.  I need sooo much help, and I dont know where to start, I pray to God so much to help me.  I have never been this weak, confused, and trapped about anything in life.  This has really brought me to my knees, I wish I was never born at times.  Im not suicidal, but I dont want to live like this.  Ive got to find a way to fix me.  Anybody know what to tell me?  Thanks for listening.  God Bless you all.  Im sooo sick.

[Ann2497]

It sounds like you could really use some support.  Do you have family and friends you can rely on?

I have one thing to add.  You have been given a lot of good advice.  See if your dr. can give you Clonidine.  It is a big help with WD symptoms and it is non addictive.

[littlebit667]

Check these pages out from the Health Pages that is just above my post on the right.

Thomas Recipe (you don't need the tranquilizers or L-tryosine (some said it cause anxiety and it did for me)

and

Amino Acid Protocol

[littlebit667]

when I first came here I posted about wanting to get myself back.  This is the info that was given to me and it really helped me understand how the pills affect the brain and what it takes to get that brain back.  And the reason you have to give it time:

You have to remember how opiates work, and why you feel depressed etc. when you quit taking them and after you are over the withdrawals.

Opiates bound to the opioid receptors in your brain and body. They release their artificial endorphins to them, and block the bodies natural endorphins. After a while the neurons that produce the body's natural endorphins disappear. There is no need for them so they just don't rejuvenate like they would normally.

When you stop taking the opiates,  they leave your opioid receptors bare, and they are calling out for your body's natural endorphins, but there isn't any there at first. You body has to repopulate the neurons that make them, and this takes time.

Endorphins like dopamine  control your moods, anxiety, sadness, anger, happiness, pain etc.

You will slowly get your "old self" back as these neurons repopulate and begin increasing their endorphins production. After being off the opiates for a month, they should be about 45-50% of normal, and be back to normal within a year.
So hang in there, you will feel better and better as the months roll by, and they roll by pretty darn quick when we get to our age, don't they!

Try keep busy and keep your mind focused on positive things instead of dwelling on the depression, anxiety, etc. that are only temporary and will disappear as your endorphins return to normal.

[littlebit667]

Let's get you detoxed.  You can attend NA meetings even before you are clean.  You are so right to get it done now.  You are about as low as you can get and the time is right.  I came here almost 7 weeks ago and felt so depressed and scared.  The brain thing is big.  I too feared that I would never be myself again.  You will be, you just have to give it time to get there.  I won't say it is easy, because it is not.  But it is doable.  There are lots of things that will help the w/d.  I feel that with that support, you will not get so stressed out physically that you can then deal with the mental.  You just have to get to the place that it is better to deal with life w/o the pills than with.  

Menopause on top is a tough one.  Have you talked to the dr. about that.  There are some non narc meds that will help.  You will have to be off the pills about a month before you can tell if it is the pills making you crazy or the menopause messing with you.

Here is a start:

I kept telling myself...YOU HAVE the FLU!  It will be over and I will feel so much better.  My brain seemed to get that and settled down a little.  It is hard, but doable!  The Thomas Recipe (bottom of the page under Health Pages as Gnarly said will help.  I did not to the tranquilizers and had to cut back on the Ltryosine, but the rest really helped.  Imodium, Imodium, Imodium (liquid or pills if the liquid can't be found or you can't swallow it) will help.  I took double the dosage for a few days (personal choice) and it helped so much..even with the withdrawals in general and the opiate trots which sucked.  

Hydrate and eat!  Even if it is just a little every hour or so.  You have to eat something to keep your energy up as much as possible.  

If you have Restless legs..it is hit or miss what works.  Walking seemed to help me some.  Hot bath with epsom salts..a little.  I finally had to get my doctor to refill my restless legs meds (non addictive) to get some sleep.  If nothing works,your doctor might help.  

One hour at a time is all anyone can ask.  After 2 weeks it gets a little better and I started to say, One day at a time!  Your brain will do all sorts of things to get you to take a pill.  I found if I was hungry..the cravings got worse.  I would try to eat a banana, a few grapes or a few crackers to get that under control.

Good for you.  I hope all goes well.  You have made a good start coming here....this site has helped me so much!!!  Keep posting!!!!!

[atthebeach]

the key is staying clean and sober is aftercare. one on one counseling and support groups, na/aa,celebrate recovery, overcomers outreach. the withdrawal and detox are hard physically, but the mental challenge and changing the way you think is much harder. that is the important part, that is where the aftercare you help to keep you on the road to recovery and not in active addiction.
during your detox keep yourself hydrated.
you can do this. we will encourage you and let you know that there is hope. it can be done. your desire to be clean has to be stronger than your desire to use.
if you keep the pills around it will be to easy to take them when you are in pain from the detox. take hot baths with epsom salts.
sending prayers,hope,encouragement and hugs
debbie

[ricart70]

That is great.What all do you have as far as helping you sleep?To me ct is the only way to go.I did not have the discipline to taper and to me if I did not have my proper dose I was just sick anyway.I am 41 days away from 150+oxycontin/day.I have most of my energy back and do feel alot better.I also have depression but that is nothing compared to what these pills cause.Regular depression is a walk in the park.It really does sound like you want to be rid of these things for good.That is what I said when I quit"I have to get my life back".
  You are doing the right thing.If  there is anything I can help you with,just ask.I was also clean from these for 2.5 years before I got back on them this last time.I know that everything is too much to think about right now but try not to worry.What we worry about today will go away and we will be worried about something completely different tomorrow.You will be glad and so proud of yourself when this is all over.

[findmyway]

Thank you so much ricart.  I am in tears right now, but I have been in tears alot lately.  It just seems so hopeless for me.  I just dont know where to begin.  but Im am fighting to stop, I have only taken 2 today, and that was at about 11:45am it is now 9pm.  I already have some of the things from my last c/t.  So I have been using them.  I know my brain is got to be confused about what I want it to do, because I keep going back to the percs.  This is soo hard, but I will not give up, because I want my life back.

[ricart70]

Yes findmy way..I know what to tell you.First of all,you have come to the right place.Everyone here knows exactly what you feel like and it is definitely caused by the percocets.It is just going to take longer than a couple of weeks for the mental stuff to go away.I was on a high dose of oxy and quit.I could not even post for about 20 days.Those other people you are talking about are probably getting more pills than you think and that is why they seem to be ok with it.Someday they will not be.
  You can return to normal.I would say that at 30-40 days you will feel way better but at 2-3 weeks there is no way you are going to feel ok.There are alot of people on this forum to help you and these pills do not cause permanent damsge to the brain.It just takes so long to feel normal that we think we have permanently screwed it up.Posting on here and learning all of the many tricks that we all have up our sleeves and having someone to talk to about this will help immensely.I know you can do this.If you can go 3 weeks then it is just a matter of sticking it out a little longer.Keep posting and let us know how you are.
  Exercise and the amino acid protocol at the bottom right of this page will help immensely.You can do this!