Mentally failed

[Dane74]

Not really a question just going to vent.  I am approaching 11 months clean from opiates and yet i am craving my beloved friend named "opiate"!  By no means am i making any excuse to use as what i am going through is life but gosh darn it i miss and yearn my pills.  PTSD is in full force, anxiety has sky rocketed, i cant sleep, bad dreams, cant focus the list goes on, i am trying my hardest to try to understand what i am going through but i am having a very difficult time, all i can think about is taking a pill.  Does is it resolve anything?  NOPE, but for a few hours i could have a clear head and some peace of mind.  My mind will not shut off, the images and the intrusive thoughts are so overwhelming and constant, i keep reminding myself that this is temporary, this too shall pass, i have to make it to my 1 year mark, i cant blow it now like i did last time at 10 months.  Mentally i have already failed i am very aware of this,  my mind sure is playing with me big time and its doing everything in its power to set me up to fail.  I am losing all control, i cant control my thoughts, my dreams, my thinking.  I am so disconnected to myself:-(

[Dane74]

Hello imdone!!  Thank you for reaching out, i am actually going to the therapist today, as much as it hurts it does help, its such a slow and painful process but in order for me to heal i have to do this.  Thank the Lord those intense cravings have lessoned and i can actually function a bit better today.  

[ImDONENoMore]

Dana - I know we don't connect often anymore, but I'm always rooting for you too.  And maybe a break from the therapy would be good - just a couple of weeks to allow things to settle with you for a bit and then you can go back when you're feeling less raw?

Is it possible for you, and hubby (maybe the whole family) to get away for the weekend?  Or even just you and hubby?  I think a couple of days away, or even just a night away, in a different setting, new place, a little room service maybe? - might be just what you need.  Sometimes just being somewhere new, even for just a short while, can change your entire perspective.

[ricart70]

Hey Dane!  ;)  Great job making it through the night! You could worry about tomorrow tomorrow. ;)  I am not one to usually tow the party line but when it comes down to it we ALL do this one day at a time. Who knows what could happen to me tomorrow. SOMETIMES all we can do is make it through the day without using and when we have done that it is the only thing we really needed to do.  I do agree with you that backing off a little bit at therapy might be a good thing for now, kind of like a prize fighter or even maybe a fighting chicken needs time in between matches to heal ;))   Hang in there Dane my friend and I know all of these feelings can make us tired,cranky and short. Keep up the fight friend!  ;)

[Dane74]

Hey Ric, i wish i could say i am doing better but i would be fibbing.  I did see my therapist today and she wants me back in on Friday as well. IT was a very emotional session filled with fear and tears.   I had a busy day which helped but the night is dark and lonely and all i can think of is using, i have mixed emotions, one part of me is glad and proud i cut all sources and then there is the other part of me that i am mad that i don't  have anymore secret stashes.  I cut my sources, but my mind is all over the place, dark places and scary places:-(((( I thought this would have passed by now but no its in full force, I'm ok for tonight, its tomorrow that will be the challenge. Hopefully this too shall pass and lesson, i need sleep.  

[clean_in_ks]

My humble apologies~
I'm glad your therapist is working great for you~
Absolutely no judgement was intended~

[Iwannaquit40]

I read your post and I just want to let you know just one important thing about yourself that you have incorrect.. You "did not" mentally fail at all. You may feel that way right now but if it was true, you wouldn't have written this post for whatever reasons venting or otherwise. Just a positive thought for you if nothing else. We have to fail to learn and not make the same mistakes all the time, its just human nature and nothing else. Stay strong and remember that venting is a good thing. I met an incredible friend on here and he has opened my eyes to so many things that I would have never thought about so in parting, I wish you the best and keep posting and take care of yourself, your the only one who has that control t do so. .

[Dane74]

hey Connie, well you sure did rock the boat...LOL  As for relapse, i do agree with Kyle, i personally do not know of one person that has not relapsed, and statically the numbers are staggering.  With that said, i am sure that there are a few folks who have not relapsed, and more power to them.  For me, i view relapse as a stepping stone as i believe with each relapse you learn something and gain from it to move forward, for example, you didn't cut sources, you didn't explore aftercare, etc, once a relapse occurs is when you realize its time to do something else and correct what you did wrong.  IM not saying we all need to relapse to learn, or to even take relapse lightly as it could very well be you last time.  

Connie, i wasn't using the words "cant" its just not my method of aftercare that i choose. I never said i didn't tell my family or friends, my husband is very well aware, my sister is aware, and i have 3 close friends, so this is not just my secret.  I confided in my hubby when i relapsed last and came clean to him, i have made huge strides since day one and I'm still learning. Yes i am stubborn and i tend to get into denial mode but i sure have turned that around as well.  Just because i may not agree or partake in a suggestion doesn't make me not willing to learn and reach out.  My therapist is working just great, she is not a miracle worker and what i am going through is a process that takes time and when it gets to difficult to handle we have to take a few steps back.  I adore my therapist and just because i am not getting the results you feel i should have gained by now doesn't mean its not working.  She is my saving grace, i need her and she does help and i have come to make progress.  Not as fast as i would like but at least its progress.  The select few people in my life that are aware that i am an addict and did go away for it, doesn't understand addiction.  i am the only one, so they do not understand, they just cant possibly understand what any of us are going through.  So please do not judge me for not taking you up on all your recommendations as i am doing all i can to stay afloat.

[ricart70]

How are you today Dane ? ;))

[onthefence]

in my opinion to be able to choose different thoughts , one has to keep it simple! stay in the here and now, one minute at a time if that's what it takes.

" i have to make it to my 1 year mark, i cant blow it now like i did last time at 10 months."

this thought is stressful in its self ,  all we really have is today focus enjoying that , with positive self talk and thoughts..it can be done once you decide to choose different thoughts.

I have 23 months clean from opiates, but used marijuana & alcohol (also had one meth binge)after until 7 months ago , now clean and sober.
so did i relapse , yes because i have changed my thoughts and now believe addiction encompasses any mind altering substance, and using is a symptom of the disease.I think a person can stop using but still be in addiction because of how they think and act.When i crave it isn't necessarily for the substance , but for the escape, reward i think i am getting , and out of long established ritual of doing it.and it use to be my way of saying f#*^ the world because i felt sorry for myself.

as far as meetings, alot of times the ppl in the meetings are so different that anywhere else but that meeting they would never get together, much less talk to each other, i think that's why it works,
btw what is normal? i have met ppl that aren't addicts that think like they are.and really do i really truly know what they do in private, no.
let me first and always examine myself,
let me be honest and humble,
let me trust in myself and my fellow man,
let me give rather than receive,
let me understand rather than be understood,
I am grateful for today!
,

[clean_in_ks]

Well it looks like I'm gonna rock the boat tonight.....

First, I want to take exception to this statement above by Kyle:

"We all relapse. It is not right. It is absolutely stupid and counterproductive, but if any addict ever claims that they've never relapsed they are probably lying."

Relapsing isn't a requirement.  That statement may lead some other person reading this to believe that it is a "given" or that it is "guaranteed" that they absolutely WILL relapse.  That is not so.  
I say this with absolutely no pride at all....in fact, I rarely speak of it....but it seems an appropriate time to mention it.  I decided on June 23rd, 2012 not to continue killing myself with opiates and haven't relapsed since that day.  I do realize relapse is VERY COMMON.....and frequently happens as part of the learning process....but to say ALL addicts relapse and that if they say they haven't relapsed that they are probably lying is just not right or true.

Next, rock the boat comments....for you, sweet Dana....
You have been telling us for quite awhile that you "can't" go to any support groups of any kind.  That you "can't" tell any of your family or friends because they are all "normal" and they will judge you.  I've even given you online options where you could talk to other women with a history similar to yours and share your heart with SOMEONE other than your therapist.  It would at least be a start....I mean seeing this private therapist isn't working is it?  You are still in turmoil and it's escalating....yet you aren't willing to risk your reputation and do something different to help yourself.
I hate it that your are traumatized day and night.....and you know I love you.....or I wouldn't risk being so bold with you.  You HAVE to change something.....it doesn't matter what other people "think".....it matters that you find some way to process this hurt and trauma....and talking privately to your therapist ain't working.....other people who have walked in your shoes CAN help you.  Whether you meet and talk to them via the internet...or in person....doesn't matter.  At least you would be exposed to other's experiences....how they have gotten past it....what they did....they could TOTALLY relate to you and KNOW your heart in a way nobody else ever will.  I just perceive you as unwilling to try something new....to risk exposing yourself....and it's scary....and it's not socially acceptable in your circle.....but we're talking about your PEACE and your precious HEART.
You are one stubborn girl....but once you turn that stubbornness into determination...it will work for you.....and you will begin to heal.  
(((HUGGIN YOU)))  Please know I share all of these perceptions with all the love in my heart~
Connie    



    

[kyle505]

We all relapse. It is not right. It is absolutely stupid and counterproductive, but if any addict ever claims that they've never relapsed they are probably lying.
I did for 15 years. I know how you feel. And YOU know that even if you got to a meeting, told everyone on earth - it would still all come down to you.
I'd classify you as a "seasoned" addict. Anything anyone tells you you've heard before. You know the outcome. So I really hope that you work through this.  Learn from it and stay clean.
K

[Dane74]

kyle, i don't go to meetings, i see a shrink, i go tomorrow.  i am not around any addicts, all my family and friends are just social drinkers, with the expect ion of my dad who is an addict and he is in active addiction.  I'm surrounded by all normal folks, i am the odd man/gal out and not many know of my struggles as i would be judged.  i was the closet addict, i took my pills by myself, never shared never told it was between me and my friend the "opiate"i never bought them or had connections as my source was my doctors, and yes, all sources are cut and when i relapsed last i actually stole from my mother in law, talk about having a low moment, but that's  what i did when i was 10 months clean, it took me sometime but i did come clean to hubby about it and told him the ugly truth of what i did.  He knows that i have a hard time going to her house as i know she has opiates in her bathroom, but yet, I'm the moron that went out to seek the pills...UGH

[kyle505]

I too thought about crashing my car when I was using so you aren't thinking really strange thoughts. I can only suggest that you get to a meeting. AA, NA, makes no difference. You need to talk with other addicts.
K

[Pat1956100]

Awww Sweetie, it's so not worth it.  There is no way we can control our intake and Kyle is right, you get about an hour of "pleasure" if that and then it's just chasing that High.  
Actually I felt a little too high the first time and it scared me a little.

You know I'm Queen of the relapsers and I am still hanging on by a thread because of pain and feeling so sick.  Actually I know someone who gets them about this time and I am fighting hard not to make that call.  The difference this time is I know how sick they would make me.  The high just isn't worth the low.  

Pills just aren't the answer Dana.  If they were then we would all still be using.  Remember the reasons why you wanted to stop.  Remember how sick you felt.  

[Dane74]

hey all, thanks for all your kind words and words of wisdom, i am just a mess and i cant function.  I do see my therapist tomorrow, and i sure did make it very difficult to get any pills since i cut ALL my sources from my last relapse,BUT that doesn't mean i cant find a way, and that thought is frightening. It amazes me how clever my mind can be to make me be able to score, just driving today i thought about crashing the car, i know i am sick in the head but i am just being honest as to where my warped thinking is.  I cant turn to anyone as all my family and friends are normal they are not addicts, and my one and only support that i had was from a very dear friend, she was there for me during my darkest hours 2 years ago, my best friend for 11 years  i recently reached out to her and asked her if you could hold me accountable and i got shot down, she told me that she cant be that friend and honestly that was and still is so troublesome to me. My feelings are so hurt and i am left confused.  We are currently now in a fight, and i assume i wore her out with my BS, but in all fairness i was nothing but a great friend to her.  So no, i do not have anyone to talk to about this as nobody understands.  The feeling is so unbelievable, i want to use so bad, i cant leave the house i don't trust myself right now

[BanMethadone]

Hello:

God when you said you have intrusive thoughts all day long about it, I can totally relate! It's almost like they are so incessant that you want to just do it and get it over with to make the urges leave you alone. The problem is that it won't just be once, and it will take you back to the drawing board. I would say find something... anything to put in place of those thoughts. push them out by any means that will result in something positive even if ppl thing you're mad or gung ho lol It's easier, in my opinion to distance yourself from anything or anyone that triggers those thoughts than to suffer through another cycle of use and detox. Knowing that's not always possible to escape things, as is with your PTSD, I hope you can just fight it and distance yourself from those thoughts by any means other than using.

I have had those obsessive thoughts about so so many things like drugs, gaming, and sugary foods. If they were anywhere that I thought I might get them, I felt I had no control. I think that almost all of my addictions have simply transferred to other more acceptable forms, and I had to learn that even exercising too much is a bad thing lol I get some pleasure and I want more... hey as Frued would say, that's the pleasure principle for you. I would recommend exercising by the way, but I'm sure you know that part.

As an addict you become a constant guardian for yourself. It's an exhausting job always looking out for danger that you may slip back into that self destructive, pure pleasure seeking mode. I would say try to find other paths to pleasure and with repetition, these things might replace more harmful things, but you still have to always keep it in check. Balance is key really, and unfortunately we aren't always the best at that.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. My mom has PTSD as well and it's very very hard. She, however, is not as successful as you bc she uses all types of drugs to drown her pain rather than trying to get to the root and find other less harmful ways to ease her pain.

I commend you on a year. You actually answered one of my questions and that is whether or not cravings would persist that long after detox. I guess I too will be fighting one year out :)

You're amazing for coming this far... don't give up now!

[odaat1]

Please hang in there for the newcomers like me....

[littlebit667]

Dane, love... hate that you are white knuckling,  I know how hard you are trying and how strong you are trying to be.  Know I am rooting for you and hope you find the peace you so richly deserve!!!  Please try to find someone to talk to.   I wish I had more..just know you are loved and cared for here by many.

[atthebeach]

dana are you by yourself now? can you call your therapist?

[kyle505]

I echo what ricart wrote...What's up?
K

[kyle505]

Oh yeah...P.S. - After two years clean I still want them - special occasions, trips, everyday situations, sitting on my butt at home. You name it.
But so far I haven't given in. I made it real hard to get meds, plus my wife knows everything. I go to her when I'm feeling weak. So, it goes without saying that we talk a lot more now than we used to :)
K

[ricart70]

talk to us dane

[vicki595]

Dana-  Is there someone close by to you that you can talk with right now?  I hate that you're holding on to all of this and I know you don't want it!   I'm always rooting for you and thinking about you...

[Sweetness91]

In my opinion you most definitely have not failed mentally, because you have fought off the urge of taking one! Failing would be giving in to the mental games and relapsing. Just let me say this...I've got over 13 months clean, and I STILL think about them here n there, but I don't consider it a failure because I think of them...they were a big part of my life back then, and being able to say no is a mental success...just like you and your situation now!! Pat yourself on the back, and be positive about the situation you're in. Congrats on your clean time.