Husband in rehab

[Lostnow]

My husband started rehab a week ago.  Today on Christmas he was allowed to call home for the first time and he called his mother instead of me - !!!  She and I have been closely affected by his use of Ambien and Suboxone and are now supporting him through his recovery.  Today starts his daily phone calls and I guess I'll get "my turn" tomorrow.  This hurt me so much I don't even know what to say - I know I can't be negative on the phone, but I'm feeling far from positive.  Today was his first drug free day in 7 years and he chose not to call his wife - any suggestions?
Thanks -  

[dominosarah]

The family members of addicts usually get the brunt end of our addiction.  I would really recommend checking out Alanon.  They have been where you are at now and could help you understand your feelings and your fears you may have.  You have been greatly affected by all of this and you need to find you again also.       sara

[Lostnow]

Thank you for your solid advice and kind words.  Although I don't really understand how his guilt for hurting me all this time can lead to more hurt by not calling me, I will try to stay strong if he still doesn't call me for awhile and take the word of other addicts.  My husband was in a car accident just a few months after we got married -  then came the round of narcotics / addiction and then the Ambien and Suboxone.  All of these years later, I think I forgot how to be part of a normal married couple, but after months of negativity and his belief that he could taper on his own, he took the plunge and I have faith and trust in the rehab process.  

[IBKleen]

I phoned my mom first too. As a child I was taught that a mother's love was unconditional and I guess I wanted to call the one person who I knew would not judge me. That first week was the hardest and I was looking to run every day. I knew I had hurt a lot of people and the guilt and shame were at the surface.

I know you will have a hard time understanding this, but it is not about you. His addiction is not about you and his recovery is not about you. There will be time for amends at a later date.

You have both suffered from his active addition. He has begun the process of healing and I suggest you do the same. I think you could greatly benefit from Al-Anon. Please look into it.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[BrotherFrankie]

let it go. (make a meeting yourself) give him time to get well. not so much in body but in mind ..

i am praying for you and am sorry you are hurting..

[Ballgame]

Mom is gonna win everytime.  Sorry.  It's about him not you.  ***** but this could be your new life.  I'd bet he will explain when he calls

[Toby1863]

Lostnow,

Welcome to Medhelp!

I'm a 'recovering' addict who happens to be both a husband and a son......

As CATUF covered very effectually................
Right now things are very, very emotional for your husband. I feel your pain. No doubt that must've been tough to fathom. He's in a new world right about NOW rhymes with WOW. 7 yrs is a long time. Hang in there and keep supporting him. You'll see...............the reward for you both will come if you both keep at it!

I feel for you both as my wife, my mother and myself have all been there. Please just keep up the support and do the best that you can! You will get your husband & your marriage back. You have every right to hurt right now. The thing is.......you obviously love your husband and believe you me he needs you right now. Just try to remember that emotions are high for each and everyone involved right about now.  

Keep your collective heads up! Wish you guys the very best.........

Toby

[CATUF]

most addicts in early recovery are DOMINATED by guilt and shame . . . it's hard to describe how intense the guilt and shame can be.  

we feel worthless and unworthy.  we feel like utter failures.

it is VERY hard to face the ones we love the most early on.

making these intense feelings even worse in early recovery is the fact that for so long we've felt little or nothing . . . we've been protected from the pain of these negative emotions by the fog of active addiction.

now we're starting to feel again and the emotions are overwhelming.  

A lot of crying goes on in the first week of rehab, and most of it focuses on how we failed our families.

I can easily see a man calling his mother instead of his wife, especially if he's afraid that he's such a dissapointment to her that she could never forgive him (a common feeling for addicts is that they are unworthy of forgiveness)

addicts in early recovery need to know that they are loved and accepted, that they are worthy.  

addicts in early recovery need people to understand that they are not bad people who need to become good again, but sick people who need to become well again.

addicts in early recovery need compassion and respect.

the rehab no doubt has a family program . . . it will be very helpful to you.

CATUF
2027