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benzo withdrawal question (not about tapering) help much appreciated
I am addicted to a very high dose of klonopin and have yet again abused and run out early. I know this is my fault and that I can always make a better choice but I did not. I'm not here to be shamed as I have been at other times posting about this. I already know there is no excuse. I already feel like human garbage.
Anyway, with what I had left, I did a very quick, unsafe, and unsupervised taper over 10 days down to .5mg. I was in detox less than a month ago, was forced out due to insurance problems after a week, tapered from 3mg a day to 2 and told to follow up with meetings and when I got health insurance back, to go to an outpatient program and see a neurologist to address the issue I was started on this med for. I went to the emergency room twice and was told I was not "hospital level of care" and to keep calling the only two detoxes in my state who take uninsured people. I have been calling and calling, no beds... and no beds... and no beds.
I knew I would need to go back to treatment 10 days ago but I ran out of my last .5 today and know the dangerous symptoms may start any time. Right now I'm just uncomfortable with insomnia and the worst akathisia imaginable. I was out on Benzos for akathisia so I have it as an underlying condition and a w/d symptom.
I'm not asking for medical advice, but I have read that w/d from benzos can last YEARS and it is draining my hope and will to keep fighting. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to share their personal experience coming off of benzos. I hope it might help me relax knowing that there are people out there who have come off them and that there is an end to withdrawal hell. I know a slow taper guided by a doctor is best but I feel I would not be responsible enough to do it.
so has anyone come through this and lived to lead a happier life? I have such trouble going to meetings because I can't sit still through them so this website helps a lot. Thank you.
Anyway, with what I had left, I did a very quick, unsafe, and unsupervised taper over 10 days down to .5mg. I was in detox less than a month ago, was forced out due to insurance problems after a week, tapered from 3mg a day to 2 and told to follow up with meetings and when I got health insurance back, to go to an outpatient program and see a neurologist to address the issue I was started on this med for. I went to the emergency room twice and was told I was not "hospital level of care" and to keep calling the only two detoxes in my state who take uninsured people. I have been calling and calling, no beds... and no beds... and no beds.
I knew I would need to go back to treatment 10 days ago but I ran out of my last .5 today and know the dangerous symptoms may start any time. Right now I'm just uncomfortable with insomnia and the worst akathisia imaginable. I was out on Benzos for akathisia so I have it as an underlying condition and a w/d symptom.
I'm not asking for medical advice, but I have read that w/d from benzos can last YEARS and it is draining my hope and will to keep fighting. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to share their personal experience coming off of benzos. I hope it might help me relax knowing that there are people out there who have come off them and that there is an end to withdrawal hell. I know a slow taper guided by a doctor is best but I feel I would not be responsible enough to do it.
so has anyone come through this and lived to lead a happier life? I have such trouble going to meetings because I can't sit still through them so this website helps a lot. Thank you.
Just want to say hi and send some support. I was dependent on ativan, but at the prescribed dose of 1.5 mg a day. I had to wean off and put up with mild/mod anxiety for a few weeks while I did. Sorry, I don't have more relatable info for you on Klonapin at a high amount. Others will be along that know your situation. Hang on.....
YES life does get better. I'm over two years clean from xanax. I won't lie to you, it took some time. Longer than the opiate withdrawal. But WORTH every second it took me to get here. And it will be worth it for you too.
so has anyone come through this and lived to lead a happier life?
Of course they have!
I know you're feeling very defeated, and no doubt you have some work ahead of you. As for the question of w/d's lasting for YEARS? No, that's not true. A lot of people ASSUME a lot of what they're feeling is w/d's. For instance, as you probably know, after coming off a benzo, there is a good bit of rebound anxiety. If someone has an anxiety disorder, took benzos for an extended period of time, and never ADDRESSED the anxiety with a professional...they will experience a level of anxiety that is off the chart. Then, they start doing all kinds of searching, turning to Dr. Google....they come up with all kinds of possibilities for how they're feeling, instead of the most obvious ones (like their untreated, poorly managed anxiety).
It CAN take some time. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that you may have several months of struggling to feel okay in your own skin. As for why you were prescribed it in the first place....have you discussed with your doctor how you are going to try to manage the akasthisia? I know that can be very hard to manage, and it's important to do so.
Very best of luck to you....please keep calling those rehabs...you never know when a bed may open up. I surely hope that happens, as that would be the best way to handle this.
Of course they have!
I know you're feeling very defeated, and no doubt you have some work ahead of you. As for the question of w/d's lasting for YEARS? No, that's not true. A lot of people ASSUME a lot of what they're feeling is w/d's. For instance, as you probably know, after coming off a benzo, there is a good bit of rebound anxiety. If someone has an anxiety disorder, took benzos for an extended period of time, and never ADDRESSED the anxiety with a professional...they will experience a level of anxiety that is off the chart. Then, they start doing all kinds of searching, turning to Dr. Google....they come up with all kinds of possibilities for how they're feeling, instead of the most obvious ones (like their untreated, poorly managed anxiety).
It CAN take some time. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that you may have several months of struggling to feel okay in your own skin. As for why you were prescribed it in the first place....have you discussed with your doctor how you are going to try to manage the akasthisia? I know that can be very hard to manage, and it's important to do so.
Very best of luck to you....please keep calling those rehabs...you never know when a bed may open up. I surely hope that happens, as that would be the best way to handle this.
thank you for the support everyone. it helped me calm down and stop thinking the worse. really grateful.
please, if you read this, forgive how long winded it is and maybe my flaws. I am sensitive; at my breaking point and I appreciate any feedback but please I ask if you want to say something harsh, try to phrase it as constructive.
typing here is cathartic because I know others are out there willing to offer support. My diary, while a helpful coping skill, does not always help quite as much as hearing from real people. Especially the forgiving people who I have acted disrespectful to who still offer support.
In good news, I finally got health insurance but my elation and relief was quickly overwhelmed by wondering exactly how I should use it and hopelessness. It is a blessing. All I know is that I will start getting back on track with my therapist. So many psychiatrists and neurologists etc that I need to start seeing. It is overwhelming just to make a phone call ( I had PTSD and major depression since I was about 9 which I feel CNS depressants like benzos may have worsened). Often I would rather go hungry or freezing than make the effort to buy food and pay bills. This sounds ridiculous but it's my truth.
Baffled over how to face all the problems that accumulated in my life while I was abusing drugs (and it has only been 6 months (maybe less) of addiction). I have often been so depressed that my medications, the love and center of my life, have taken a back seat to my not being able to get out of bed to pick them up at the pharmacy. I Have been feeling like "who cares? if you get the meds without help, history is doomed to repeat as far as my addiction goes."
I struggle with knowing that the scientific community has generally come to a consensus that a very slow taper of benzos is the best way to come off them with the lowest chance of medical complications and relapse. and yet I do not want to be in treatment for many months while I finish my taper, nor will my state subsidized insurance even pay for that long of a stay. Plus I have proven I don't have the will to manage a taper on my own.
After looking over my medical records and seeing that my main issue was trauma, the last psychiatrist I saw told me bluntly that he had seen many cases like mine where medication failed and ECT caused minimal improvement or worsening in young PTSD patients. He suggested a top neurologist to deal with the akathisa and/or neurological issues and very many years of intense trauma centered therapy.
Ever had a sick loved one in a hospital, not sure if they'd make it? A sick child with something non life threatening that still made your insides wretch with worry? That is how I feel all the time, even with a calm head and it has lasted years. At the end of my rope. Need help soon and god willing I will get it.
typing here is cathartic because I know others are out there willing to offer support. My diary, while a helpful coping skill, does not always help quite as much as hearing from real people. Especially the forgiving people who I have acted disrespectful to who still offer support.
In good news, I finally got health insurance but my elation and relief was quickly overwhelmed by wondering exactly how I should use it and hopelessness. It is a blessing. All I know is that I will start getting back on track with my therapist. So many psychiatrists and neurologists etc that I need to start seeing. It is overwhelming just to make a phone call ( I had PTSD and major depression since I was about 9 which I feel CNS depressants like benzos may have worsened). Often I would rather go hungry or freezing than make the effort to buy food and pay bills. This sounds ridiculous but it's my truth.
Baffled over how to face all the problems that accumulated in my life while I was abusing drugs (and it has only been 6 months (maybe less) of addiction). I have often been so depressed that my medications, the love and center of my life, have taken a back seat to my not being able to get out of bed to pick them up at the pharmacy. I Have been feeling like "who cares? if you get the meds without help, history is doomed to repeat as far as my addiction goes."
I struggle with knowing that the scientific community has generally come to a consensus that a very slow taper of benzos is the best way to come off them with the lowest chance of medical complications and relapse. and yet I do not want to be in treatment for many months while I finish my taper, nor will my state subsidized insurance even pay for that long of a stay. Plus I have proven I don't have the will to manage a taper on my own.
After looking over my medical records and seeing that my main issue was trauma, the last psychiatrist I saw told me bluntly that he had seen many cases like mine where medication failed and ECT caused minimal improvement or worsening in young PTSD patients. He suggested a top neurologist to deal with the akathisa and/or neurological issues and very many years of intense trauma centered therapy.
Ever had a sick loved one in a hospital, not sure if they'd make it? A sick child with something non life threatening that still made your insides wretch with worry? That is how I feel all the time, even with a calm head and it has lasted years. At the end of my rope. Need help soon and god willing I will get it.
It's obvious you're hurting a lot. No doubt your depression is holding you back from making some progress. I struggle with depression, and while mine may not be to the extent yours is, I know that struggle to just accomplish the basics in life...motivation is HARD to come by.
Thats why YOU have to start working hard at this, as hard as it is. There will be days you don't want to do a thing, let alone go to therapy, etc...but you MUST push yourself. Depression requires the help of professionals, but it also requires US to do a good bit of work to. I know that's easier said than done, believe me...but it DOES work. When I'm more depressed...the MORE I push myself, and FORCE myself to do the things that will get me better, the better I feel.
You don't HAVE to detox off benzos as an inpatient. If you have that opportunity, it may be very worth it it really consider it, as you could also jump start your treatment for the PTSD and depression. If you are adamant about not going inpatient, then you need to commit to an aggressive outpatient plan...both for the benzo addiction, AND for some intensive therapy.
THIS statement here leads me to really encourage you to do what it takes and accept that inpatient may be the way to go:
Plus I have proven I don't have the will to manage a taper on my own.
No one WANTS to go to an inpatient detox setting really....but you have to do what you have to to get your life back, and to SAFELY get off the meds. You already know the risks involved.
The best thing you could do is surrender yourself to whatever help you need. You're a very smart cookie...so don't try to talk yourself into believing you don't need more intensive help. You really do. You CAN reclaim your life...it's just going to take some time, some help, and some work on your part.
Very best to you....hope to read some positive updates!
Thats why YOU have to start working hard at this, as hard as it is. There will be days you don't want to do a thing, let alone go to therapy, etc...but you MUST push yourself. Depression requires the help of professionals, but it also requires US to do a good bit of work to. I know that's easier said than done, believe me...but it DOES work. When I'm more depressed...the MORE I push myself, and FORCE myself to do the things that will get me better, the better I feel.
You don't HAVE to detox off benzos as an inpatient. If you have that opportunity, it may be very worth it it really consider it, as you could also jump start your treatment for the PTSD and depression. If you are adamant about not going inpatient, then you need to commit to an aggressive outpatient plan...both for the benzo addiction, AND for some intensive therapy.
THIS statement here leads me to really encourage you to do what it takes and accept that inpatient may be the way to go:
Plus I have proven I don't have the will to manage a taper on my own.
No one WANTS to go to an inpatient detox setting really....but you have to do what you have to to get your life back, and to SAFELY get off the meds. You already know the risks involved.
The best thing you could do is surrender yourself to whatever help you need. You're a very smart cookie...so don't try to talk yourself into believing you don't need more intensive help. You really do. You CAN reclaim your life...it's just going to take some time, some help, and some work on your part.
Very best to you....hope to read some positive updates!
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