My story......kinda long!

[ladywithtime]

Hey everyone...I have been lurking around for awhile now and believe it or not, I feel as though I know all of you...lol.

I'm a 43 yr. old female from NY and right now I'm in the process of stopping (I pray) a 10 yr. addiction to various substances... It all started when I was a teen who grew up in a dysfunctional home after my mother married my step-father when I was 12. Ya know all the BS with pot, hallucinogenics, drinking, cocaine, ect. I married and had my children when I was 20 and for 16 yrs. I didn't do anything, I mean I barely drank. I became a girl scout leader, president of the PTA at my kids catholic school and I did everything right and I truley felt that I had beat the family curse of addiction. These were yrs. that I am most grateful for because I gave my kids a wonderful foundation.

My marriage ended when I was 35 and it seemed everything fell apart.

In order to "deal" with everything I reverted back to my old ways. During this time I also became very sick, but no prob. the drugs masked everything! When I turned 37 everything fell apart...I tried to hurt myself and this started a series of psychiatric hospitalizations. In the coarse of all this I was introduced to crack cocaine by my then bf (call him B) and then the fun really started! In the coarse of 5 mths. I LITERALLY blew through $75,000. My ex H realized something was horribly wrong and between him and my sister, they got me to rehab...I relasped a couple of times but the guilt I felt was overwhelming so I stopped. B didn't.

I was off the crack but by now my health issues were a real prob. Various docs couldn't figure out what was wrong and even told me my pain wasn't real so I seeked relief elsewhere. I found a connection for pain meds and IN THE BEGINING they were a life saver! After about 7 yrs. my condition was finally diagnosed...what a relief! I wasn't crazy! However, I was hooked...

I started to receive treatments (my cond. isn't curable but can be managed) and I started to feel better and I realized my life needed cleaning up! my bf B was still doing crack and drinking and because I felt better I started to call him out on all the lies and I started to follow up with him. One night he didn't come to my house as planned so I went to his apt. and caught him smoking crack. I freaked! He calmly walked to the door and locked it. Then he started beating me about the head. As he had me on the floor choking me I remember looking into his eyes...they were dead...this wasn't B anymore. I swear on everything Holy I thought he was going to kill me. I ended up biting him on the arm so he released me and I tried to run to the phone, he caught me, so for the next 20 min. or so he would scream at me, hit me in the head (not face) and then hug me and tell me he loved me and to please kiss him! It was insane! At one point he turned around and I grabbed the phone and dialed 91--1, he slammed the phone down. I was sooo scared because I believed the call hadn't gone through and now he's more pissed than ever!...next thing---911 called back, he answered and in a calm voice said everything was fine--I screamed Holy he!!. The police were on there way! The ***** ran but not before he body slammed me to the floor.

Sooo...I decided I needed to move back home with my family to get away from the insanity. I did and I spent the next yr. trying to get help for my cond. (better docs down by NYC). No more men..but...I did manage to find a connection here for my percs. A yr. later I met the most wonderful man (call him Cap), we fell in love, bought a house together (I'm helping him raise his 3 teens) and I found THE BEST DOCTOR WHO HAS SAVED MY LIFE with my disease! I truely felt Blessed by God himself!...I made a pact with God that if he would help me I would stop the pain meds altogether. God kept his side of the bargain but I haven't! NOT GOOD!

Ok..10 months later I was currently on 20+ percs/oxys a day and what at first was a life saver now became my personal hell! Tried ct...ashamed to say I couldn't do it so Cap and I decided I would try suboxone. Oct.20, 11:00 Wed. was my last oxy, thurs. I saw the sub doc and I am now on 8 mgs/day...refuse to go higher. Yesterday I saw the sub doc and Itold him I didn't want to be on for long...he explained the chances of relapse will be higher..I understood..but I've been reading MH like crazy and I decided I don't want to be on for more than 2 wks...he agreed. Sooo, this is it...signing up for counceling today. I KNOW I need major help and I Pray that between God, Cappy and I, I will finally beat this!

I hope to keep a running "diary" of my progress, good or bad and I would love to have you all help me or give me some insight and MAYBE in the process help someone else...Lisa

[ladywithtime]

Hey guys...how's everything? Another update:


Well, I've been steadily decreasing my dose so now I'm on my 2nd day of 3mgs. I hope to stay on it for today and tom. drop again. I did have an appt with my sub doc on Monday but I ended up cancelling it because he told me he was going to give me the 2mg pills instead of the 8mgs...The reason why I cancelled was because I felt myself thinking like an addict...

Let me explain. I had 17 pills total and now after 13 days I still have 8 pills left..my thinking was ok, let me get the 2mg pills and SAVE them so if I ever get in this predictament again I will have them! I fessed up to Cap. He pretty much let's me do what I have to do with this, he's my sounding board, however, just the mere fact that I TALKED about it and now it's outside my head I realize that this is dangerous thinking. I have always been a hoarder with the pills, always had extra so I wouldn't get nervous and worry about it, well this is EXACTLY the same thinking--gotta stop.


The one thing I have noticed is, everytime I drop I do experience some anxiety...but I think it's both the drop and the situation in my home with the remodeling, not feeling well because I have an infection (I did reschedule my appt. with the sub doc for fri--for antibiotics, I am NOT SURE if I will take the 2mgs--being honest, I will cross that bridge when I get to it) AND I ALSO FOUND A PILL...

The other day my son needed some money that I hold for him, well I went to the lock box where I used to keep my pills...so as I was getting the money I dropped some of it, bent over to pick it up and found a perc 10 in-between a pair of shoes. I right away got nervous. I know with the sub I wouldn't feel anything, however, just HOLDING the pill freaked me out. Well instead of saving it--which I normally would do--Cap flushed it..baby steps, right?

These last few days have been kinda challenging in different ways, but I'm hanging in there and still decreasing my dose..so far so good...Much love to all...Lisa

[laurel453]

Hey, it seems your plan is working for you and great that you have Cap and Andrew by your side :) just wanted to show you my support, lady.... way to go :)

[FassFeat]

I am glad you are doing good and that you are sticking to your plan.. I look forward to celebrating when you are comfortable at 0. This is the most sensible use of suboxone that I have witnessed. You rock girl.. keep working the plan and be thankful for your stable, supportive enviroment (except the chaos of remolding, lol) You are in a good place, working towards an even better spot.. Huge congrats. You made my day.  Andrew

[ladywithtime]

I just wanted to give an update:

I know the last time I posted I was taking 6mgs a day, well a day later I dropped to 5mgs...
2mgs/morning
1mgs/afternoon
2mgs/night
I stayed on this for 2 days and I feel good, actually my anxiety seems to be lessening, TBO, I'm suprised about that because my kitchen renovation is getting worse! Messes everywhere...

So, today I'm dropping down to 4mgs...not gonna take my afternoon dose. When I dropped from 6 to 5 I felt a little outta sorts, not bad but now that I'm feeling better I want to drop again. I really don't want to get too comfortable at any dose--except for 0! lol...so given my last drop I am expecting to feel a little anxious. I do have depression and anxiety issues.

The fear of depression had kept me in active addiction and now that I'm on the subs I'm not experiencing depression at all--I should also note that I take cymbalta also. I think a lot of it has to do with my personal situation. I'm with a man who I know truly loves me and is very supportive as well as keeping me accountable. I don't know it's just VERY different this go-around. I really BELIEVE I will be ok...

....10/20---last perc 10 @ 11:00
....10/21---started sub 8mgs a day
....10/27---6mgs a day
....10/28---5mgs a day
....10/30---4mgs a day

Thanks....

[ladywithtime]

Hey Andrew! I'm actually doing really well today...so far so good! In fact I feel so good that I'm thinking of skipping my afternoon dose of 2mgs...gonna see how I feel.I'm still at the 2mg dose in the morning vs. the 4mg dose. I went over this with Cap and he's worried about the 1/2 life of the sub, so he thinks maybe I should taper more slowly so to minimize any wds I might experience. We ended up agreeing to take the wait and see approach.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm listening to him?! lol...the fact is he's been pivitol in this whole process. After all these yrs of no support from my ex signifigent others, it feels wonderful to have someone who's got my back and only wants the best for me....I really feel soo bad for others who don't have the support they need at home because I truly believe that this is what's so different from the other times I've tried to stop. Between God, Cap, me and believe it or not! YOU! I really feel I'm going to be successful this time! Thank you Andrew for your support!

[FassFeat]

How are you feeling today? Hope all is well. God Bless. Andrew

[FassFeat]

I think part of the deal with subs is exactly what you were eluding to.. People are all over the place on doses. I have read about people with light (compared to some) opiate habits and started on 16mgs of suboxone. I believe you have a handle on it.. Just listen to your body, you know it better than anyone. If it don't feel right , make adjustments. You make get thru this with very little WD symptoms.. that would be great. I will keep cking on you.. Andrew

[ladywithtime]

Hey Andrew, you are right. I believe sub has a 1/2 life of like 36 hrs...so even though I feel no difference NOW I still might feel it within the next 48 hrs or so.

Mentally I'm prepared for this because I realize there is a price to pay. Logically,I know I can't go from 200+mgs of oxys & percs and not feel anything...I'm just trying to be able to function and hopefully minimize the wds somewhat.

I really have done my homework on this one and MY plan is to be off completely by next week. My plan is to document my experience, good and/or bad, with suboxone because I know how much conflicting info is out there, he!!, even on this forum! Plus I know we are all different and we all react differently to various substances.

Right now I still feel pretty good, I actually feel better taking the 2mgs vs. the 4mgs., I don't feel as tired. From what I understand the sub has built up in my system and when I was going through the acute wds the 8mgs seemed fine but since I am about 6-7 days into this I feel the 8mgs was too much. The sub doc wanted me to take as much as 16mgs a day and I didn't feel comfortable with that so I am "listening" to what my body is telling me and acting accordingly.

I am starting counseling next week...I know I should be in AA or NA but since I've been in rehab and learned the program there I haven't really felt the need for it yet. This may change, maybe not..just being honest with this experience...

Thanks for posting, it makes me feel better knowing that somebody is taking the time to check on me! I hope you have a great day!

[FassFeat]

I am glad that after moving the dose you are still feeling good. I might be wrong on this, but I think suboxone takes a little longer to metabolize. I think it has a longer 1/2 life. I may be all wet on that one, but it seems to me that someone else experienced that. I hope not, it would be great if you feel nothing different in 24 hrs from now.  To keep from coming off the suboxe hard, you might even break them down more to 1mgs and 1/2mgs etc.. I am sure you already thought of that. Good to hear that all is well, hope it stays that way. Good Luck and God Bless.. I am cheering for you. Andrew

[ladywithtime]

Hey everyone...I hope everyone had a great night!

Well, this morning instead of taking 4mgs of suboxone I took 2mgs. At this point I don't feel any diffrerence what-so-ever...but from what I've been reading that seems to be fairly common. I actually feel pretty good at this point.

My biggest prob. seems to be stress and for the last week or so we've been remodeling our kitchen. No small feat--we totally gutted the whole thing and started from scratch...at this point we're hanging all the cabinets...it looks great. However, the kids are getting to be a little much!

They're all teens--13, 17 and 21 (my son is the 21 yr o--he might as well be a teen, he's such a pain in the tush!).They are all complaining about this-n-that and this is where the stress comes from! lol....

Between Cap and I we have 5 kids--I have a 23 yr.o daughter who lives in VT. She's a great kid and I miss her soo much. I only get to see her about 4-5 times a year so it's kinda hard. Then I have  21 yr o son who still lives with me. When he was about 6 he informed me he was gonna live with me forever!! At the time it was so cute--but to be honest with ya--I think he really meant it! lol..Cap's oldest is a 17 yr o girl who truely believes life revolves around her and her BF...lol...then he's got an almost 15 yr o daughter who lives w/her mother (we'll get into that at another time!) and finally we got Cap Jr. who's 13 and his hormones are bouncin' around so much you can actually see them! Oh and BTW...they are all fresh mouthed and spoiled! This is one of the reasons that I gotta "get it right" this time cause they ALLneed a good kick in the ***!

Ok...enough of that. I really thank all who have talked to me because it means so much to have someone "get it". Your words of encouragement and advice help so much.

[ladywithtime]

Pumkinhead, the more I'm getting involved with my recovery the more I'm realizing this IS a life long process! You mention baby steps, right? Well, right now I feel like a newborn...lol..

[ladywithtime]

Thank you Andrew for your kind words...they help so much.

I agree, everyone has their own path and what might work for one might not for another. I'm just so sick of the roller coaster, ya know? I'm not saying life needs to be easy but my goodness, I wish it wasn't so hard sometimes. I'm not complaining because even though I've had some rough spots, life and God have been good to me! What I am complaining about has ALL been self imposed....my addiction. My unwillingness to handle things straight on.

One thing that I've learned the most in my 43 yrs. is, the times that I've been down the most God has ALWAYS sent someone to help me out...always! This time I will stick to my path!

Thank you again.   Lisa

[Punkinhead75]

It's ok to be scared and witless.  You are definetely not alone on that one.  Recovery doesn't happen all at once.  The trick is put the effort in regardless of how we think and feel.  As we listen to others who have been where we are we learn how to deal with our feelings.  It may seem overwhelming at first so take your time.  Babysteps.  Just picture yourself as a baby learning to walk.  Hands in the air being held by a Power greater than yourself.  Holding you up as you stumble along.  LOL!!

[FassFeat]

Lisa, I know what you mean.. alot riding on this. The way you told your story, I got a snapshot of the different stages. I have had a few friends that have used suboxone but haven't ever gotten off of it (not abusing). I have read some success storys when handled right and short like you are planning. You are coming off of something different than what I used. I have learned here that everyone has their own path..as long as it leads to the same place. I personally didn't want to have to kick another habit and went CT off of more than 30 per day Lortab habit. I was desperate and just did it, and havent looked back. There are alot of people on this forum that has experience with percs. I am just glad for you that there is a happy ending in sight.. same for me as long as I do right. Just stick with whatever plan you choose and see it through.

[ladywithtime]

The consensus seems to be aftercare, huh? I'm not working (stay at home mom) so I DO have the time to get this under control...doesn't mean I'm not scared witless though! I have spent many yrs trying to mask and hide my feelings and I have a real hard time with stress.

Tomorrow I'm going to drop my dose from 8mgs to 6mgs. The sub doc wants me to stay on 8 mgs until next Monday when I have my next appt. but after reading so much I'm not sure I want to wait until then. I don't know...I've always put a lot of trust into docs and normally listen to their advice but now I'm not sure. I guess I'll see how tom. goes. Thanks for the welcome and support!   Lisa

[Punkinhead75]

Hi lady glad you are here.  I hope things are going well for you today.  I have no experience with suboxone other than what I have read in here.  I can tell you that after care has saved my butt many many times.  I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  I loved my Jack Daniels along with a daily pot and speed habit.  When I first got cleaned up I was pretty much full time recovery.  I wasn't working at the time so I was able to do an IOP as well as AA mtgs.  That was 5 1/2 yrs ago and I still attend AA mtgs on a regular basis.  They really help keep me sane and on the right path.  I'm really glad to hear you are taking some positive steps to get cleaned up and that you have good support at home.  Keep coming and keep sharing!! God Bless!!

[ladywithtime]

Thank you for such a positive response FassFeat! It really means alot to me!

I DEFINATELY feel like I've been given a 2nd chance and boy am I greatful...I don't want to mess this up, ya know. I have a lot riding on me getting this right--I don't mean that I'll lose Cap but I certainly don't want to dissapoint him OR myself. Before I started the pills I've always had problems with depression and anxiety (as I read, this seems to be a common denominator) and I need to learn better coping skills.

Do you have any experience with suboxone?

[FassFeat]

Lisa, sounds like you have put alot of thought and research into this. Having the stabilty back in your life with Cap is a major advantage as well. It sounds like if you work the plan and don't abandon it after the WD are over (or Taper) ... Longterm aftercare is what I am referring to. I for one am rooting for you and will be praying for you as well.  Sounds like you have been given a second chance at life, except you have some experience this go around.  Best of luck and God Bless.  Andrew

Sounds like you have been through alot, I am glad things are looking up.

[ladywithtime]

Believe it or not at first I thought maybe "I'm getting older", I kid you not---talk about denial! lol...
And I know what you mean about being on top of things! My house "used" to be spotless, not so much now! I was tending to isolate also, every sign of a huge problem!

I just pray to God that I can do this because I so desperately want to be me again! The best to you and thanks for talking to me....

[DayToTry]

I wasn't taking as much as you but I was forgetting way too much too and it was scaring me also.  Just one more of the reasons that I wanted to quit.  I used to be so "on it" at my job.  The last few years I know I haven't.  I plan on getting back to the person I used to be.

[ladywithtime]

I was taking 20+ of the perc10's/oxys...what's amazing to me really is how fast my intake numbers krept up over time! Most of the time I wasn't aware of how much I was taking--I was just taking it, ya know? Sounds real stupid, right? Having a bad day? Take some pills. Having a great day? Take some pills! It HONESTLY wasn't until about 3 mths ago that I started realizing. One day I got like 120 pills and so I thought I was set for a while...about a week later I started to see the bottom of the bottle and let me tell you it scared the **** outta me! All along I kept telling Cap I was taking about 10-12 a day, I swear I wasn't lying...I guess most of the time I would literally forget how much I took! Then I started to "lose" time, meaning, I forgot conversations and sometimes even events! This was my wake up call...

[DollBaby23]

What dose of the percs?  I was taking ten 10's a day...I'm still in WD and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel...just took imodium and vitamins and trying to sleep...

[ladywithtime]

I'm not feeling so well and I'm wondering if it could still be a part of the withdrawal? I was taking 20+ of percs/oxy a day and I'm taking 1 8mg sub broken up through out the day....

4mg...first wake up
2mg...between 2 & 3
2mg...bedtime

The doc said I could take up to16mgs a day, however, I don't want to up the dose--oh BTW, I've been taking them for 5 days now, shouldn't the acute wd stage be over?

[DollBaby23]

We will do it..We will do it together, I promise you!! .I am almost at 28 hours and never thought I would say that...I am going to force myself to eat & get some sleep...no energy right now...we will overcome this, I am too determined not to go back to where I was...I want my old self back!  Hang in there...lean on everyone here...I only joined yesterday and am overwhelmed by all the kindness & postive feedback...these people are absolute angels!!!