N?A MEETINGS

[stilltrying1965]

I attened my second n/a meeting today. I dont know what it is as soon as i get in i clam up. Dont know what to say or have the courage to tell my story. Joe the guy who runs the meeting does not push for me to talk.But i feel uncomfertable while there all the others are not like me if it were not for the meeting we would have nothing in common. All i have said in two meetings is my name is James and im a heroin addict .Did anyone else feel uncomfertable when they first attended an n/a meeting or is it just me.But i do like to listen to the others stories Maybe it will come but i am kind of shy around strangers ........James

[GA Guy]

I really see a lot of people struggling socially at AA/NA meetings. Please don't make this harder than it should be. It's not required that you speak or share. You don't have to "find a voice" in the first month or first year. Just keep coming back. It's that easy...keep coming back. Do what you're comfortable with and allow the miracle to happen!!

[stilltrying1965]

Thanks for your input. Thats a good idea, i think ill try that, after all its still aftercare. Im glad you understand what i mean. I used too think my kids and grandkids would keep me clean but as addicts we go past that and use some excuse, any excuse would do. I have relapsed so many times but i feel more emotionally able this time. I dont know why, maybe its because iv let go of all the guilt and just accepted, i am what i am. So fingers crossed this is my last time i will go through this physical w/d. Its getting too much for my body to take but with aftercare this time i think that will make all the difference, thanks.....James

[Skidmore]

Hi James , I truly here your story and think I may be able to give my input.I have 39 days clean from opiates today.I have not drank alcohol or used heroin in 16+ years.I am going to A/A meatings every day and N/A meetings as often as possible.I truly believe A/A meetings are more accepted in society and have a beter sucess rate than N/A .There is also les stigma attatched to alcoholics than drug addicts .In my country drug addicts are also considered low lifes and alcohics are more accepted .However I think if you found an A/A meeting suttable to your style you to can have the aftercare wich in my oppinion is most important to long term recovery.God luck my brother and you can allways use the people in the rooms as a higher power.I too live with 3 wonderful of 5 of my children but that alone will not keep me clean and sober.

[violet29]

James,

I am just like you re: N/A meetings.  I find inspiration in others' stories but can't seem to be able to find my own voice... I find this extremely frustrating and because of this I skip meetings alot, in fact I still do not regularly attend because of this weird social anxiety.

I really like what Ga Ga Guy suggestions about going to 90 meetings in 90 days and just listen, perhaps you will find your voice!  I may try this :)

If you can't attend meetings daily where you are, or it is not comfortable then why not take time out of each day to post on line here... how you're feeling, what you're thinking, etc... this may help? Or the idea of starting your own meeting.

Regarding the 'higher power'... I think a higher power for everyone has a different interpretation; for some people it may even be this forum, for others its what ever gives us the strength to stay focused on sobriety.  My higher power is my dog.  I do know of a person who had a tree as their higher power, so really I think it can be whatever you make of it.

Good luck to you!

Violet

[dominosarah]

The meetings i attend have many non believers of God and it doesnt matter to any of us whether you believe in God or not.  The main goal is to stay in recovery.  Your higher power can be anything you make it.  There was a time when i was very ashamed of my addiction but not anymore....It is what it is.  I am not pond scum and i refuse to let myself feel that way anymore.......sara

[avisg]

late.... so true you always help me see the other side and I think all addicts need that our addictions and actions effects our loved ones as hard as they do ourselves sometimes harder....

[Beccabeccalynn]

James no one at any meeting I have ever been to has a paid person. Everyone volenteers( sp. ) it's called service work. Some if the meeting I go to are in a church which is paid a small rental fee to use around $20 a month. Some of the meetings are in dingy old meeting halls. Let me tell you some of the places I went to use or buy dope were way worse. James and anyone else that this applies to : you know I am not gonna beat around the bush with you, if you seek the things that set you apart that is what you will find, if you seek the things you have in common than that is what you will find. I hear you when you say that meetings aren't the same there . So what! You have to work with what you are presented with. Any two or three addicts anywhere can be a meeting. Maybe what your area needs is someone like you to start a really great meeting in a really great place. Looking at how defeating your thinking is will help you to flip it around. Think positive:
if you think you are beaten you are
if you think you can't you won't
if you think it's not for you it won't be
if you think your alone ,you are
you get the idea! So turn that frown upside down!
I hope you know by now that I am on your team
much love Becca

[LateAugust]

Based on your post I am assuming your encounter with drugs took place before your kids were born....  and you have been sober since that time?  If they are your "after care" for addiction,  my guess is they were not born or around during your addiction.....  and based on that I think there are alot of different people, programs, after-care, post treatment that will help an addict post w/d into a sober life.

Stilltrying1965,  I am so sorry you can't find any aftercare that will help you get out of the hell of addiction you have posted of lately....  in your country, is not insurance a non issue where you can get some therapy or intensive out patient, or in patient addiction treatment?    I went to Al-Anon and can tell  you quite honestly it took me several meetings to feel comfortable..... and I did have the option of different locations, so I attended several before I felt comfortable to talk to others..... realistically it took me a long time to allow myself to share the pain, all of the ramifications of my daughters addiction..  I guess all I am trying to say,  is that I wasn't an addict...  and yes at times I resented having to wrap my head around trying to accept the addiction of my daughter.......  but I didn't give up......  I kept trying....

There are way too many options out there for aftercare....  for the user..... or for the family of an addict..  to say....  "too hard to find, don't relate, I can simplify the process and post on a forum"..........       I wish to God it were that easy......  in reality it IS NOT for an addict, or for a loved one trying to help.........

[stilltrying1965]

We stay in Scotland Lisa, We have nothing here. It must be one of the worst countries in the world for addicts to get any help. We are really treated like scum. Dont get me wrong, there are some nice drug workers but theyr just not allowed to spend a lot of time or money on us. I had a drug worker a few years ago and he resigned due to the withdrawal of funds from his department, thats when i really went mad with the heroin, he was brilliant. I went downhill rapidly when he left.

Ga Ga Guy
We wouldnt be allowed anywhere to hold meetings, its all down to money. You also have to be charity registered to get anything like that. We havent even got a playground for kids in our area, let alone give money for addicts. People would be up in arms if any of our areas money was spent on addicts, especially heroin addicts. We are treated as the scum of the earth as everyone has their idea of a heroin addict as people lying in a stair with needles hanging out our arms. We have never used a needle in our lives but dont condemn anyone for it, its probably only coz we are terrified of them or we probably would have please believe me and i also knew i would like it too much and it would be a lot harder to get off. But heroin/opiate addiction is very frowned upon here. Cocaine etc isnt as bad. Its acceptable as people think a nicer class of people take cocaine. I have also had a cocaine habit and no one frowned upon me with that but when i was in full blown heroin addiction people wouldnt even talk to me, they didnt want to be seen talking to a junkie.....James

[sphynxs]

That's a great idea. I was thinking the exact same thing when I read James reply. I think addicts are kinda looked at as the scum of the earth in all societies. Just a thought though.

[GA Guy]

Have you considered starting your own meeting? Every meeting started sometime..somewhere..with someone working the 12th step by starting a meeting. If you're not getting what you want..then make it yourself!

[stilltrying1965]

The thing is our meetings/na arent like yours. We dont have sponsors, we dont have them ever day. We can only go once a week, thats it. Ours are charity/church run. We have nowhere near the aftercare you guys have. Addicts are scum in our country. Even if you go to hospital for something and if you told them you had been an addict, you are not allowed anything more than a paracetomol unless you were getting a very serious operation. Kims friend had been off drugs for 10 years when she was having a baby and she wasnt allowed any pain relief when in labour,except paracetomol, they think if they give us a tablet itl make us use again. Its very hard trying to explain to people how bad our aftercare is here. Our meetings are in dingy old halls and the people running it are always volunteers. No one gets paid to help addicts here. Unless you are very rich of course, then you can go private. But as im not rich, i have to sit in the old halls with everyone else whos been treated like scum coz of their addiction. Kims doctor doesnt even know about her addiction or she wouldnt be allowed painkillers or to go on the pain management programme. and she has an incurable illness I wish i had a sponsor or i could just take off to a meeting every day or go to a therapist, but we have none of that. Our aftercare is a disgrace. Our national health service cant afford to spend money on addicts. It has to go on more important things. Although i do get annoyed as alchoholism is ok. I have nothing at all against anyone with an alchohol problem please dont think that, but as its legal, its ok, so theyl spend money on it. It makes me very angry. This is why iv always been so reluctant to go. Theyr not very nice places to be sitting when you are in w/ds......James

[avisg]

ga is right aa/na my not be a fit for u ...but I would not still be clean if it was not for aftercare plz find somthing I went 6 months white knuckling it and relapsed now with care its been over 2 years ...

[sphynxs]

Thanks forr the concerns G, and Lisa. I will always keep my mind open. But for now, I'm in great spirits and because of James's advice, my leg cramps are going away. If I feel cornered or in some way unsure of myself... I will look for something to help me. I am a openminded type of guy. I'm just glad that I found people to talk to this stuff about. Thanks again.

MH ROCKS!!!

John

[Lisa0345]

I must agree with Ga Guy.  After care is a must.  It is great that your kids are your higher power and that you are staying clean for them, but that is just for now. Your addict brain was not thinking about your kids when you started using.  The only way to stay clean is to be doing it for you and to get some after care. NA or AA is not for every one but there are all kinds of options.  You are doing great and I admire your will power.
Lisa
Jacksonville,FL

[GA Guy]

John, I never judge...I'm the last person in  the world that should have the ability to judge anyone. I truly hope that you're able to continue to remember the pain of the past. All I know is that my addicted mind has a REALLY SHORT memory. I thought much like you did...that I'd get clean for my wife...that I could will-power my way through it. Unfortunately, my addiction talked me into using again after a couple months clean every time. Going to meetings, where I hear others struggles, and new people's first meetings keeps that pain fresh in my head...and, it keeps me clean. I stress meeting because they help me so much, but aftercare is so important. I know people who go to group therapy (I do group therapy once a week, too) as well as therapists (yep, I see one of those, too). Just keep your options open and get some help with this. Doing it alone is not an option.

[sphynxs]

I actually don't need an NA meetings. I've already found my higher power..... My Kids. I love to sit here and just watch them do their thing. That's my NA. I just watch and say to myself... I created these magnificent beings. No way, will I let them down. With them, and the support in here... The sky is the limit for me. I'm not knocking na's or the people who attend them. I just don't think that they could ever give me what it is I get watching my kids grow up in front of me. They are my power, they are all that is good in me. I couldn't be more proud than I am sitting here almost 21 days clean with 3 of the best kids on the planet. Drugs? **** em! I don't need em anymore. I'm not him anymore. I'm back to being me.
Thank you for not judging me. I was worried about telling people that.

John

[GA Guy]

My sponsor told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and to just listen. I never said a word for 90 days. Some people feel more comfortable speaking to others. It's just human nature. However, you need to let people know what's bothering you so you can help. Just say your name and that you're feeling angry today. Or craving. Don't leave without talking about what's worrying you. That's why we come to meetings...so stay clean and help others. And I have no problems with atheists being at NA meetings. Those who shun you aren't practicing the Traditions. They're taking someone else's inventory. Besides, NA is non-religious...it says so in our readings. The important thing is to find a power higher and greater than yourself and your addiction. My sponsor is an atheist and his higher power is his home group. I could care less what a person has as a higher power...as long as they work the program. Staying clean is the main objective! Some 12 step people loose sight of that sometimes.

[avisg]

John,
I am sorry it has been like that at the meeting you have gone too.I know there are some other types of meetings Like NA but with out the reliogion aspect and that might be a better fit for you .If you want more info I will get some for you .I see an addiction theripist
I find its a better fit for me as long as you find what fits for U that is what matters and its not going to be the same for everyone ... Its perfectly fine that na isnt for you as long as you get something

[sphynxs]

I'm glad you see it that way. I was hoping it wouldn't upset you. I hope you loosen those butt cheeks and open up in those meetings. You might just find what you're looking for.

John

[avisg]

I think its normal these are people you dont know I think what your are feeling is normal .I would conitue to go I think with time your comfort level will change ...

[stilltrying1965]

Thanks John i dont care if you are an alien LOL my friend. Religion does not bother me neither should it bother anyone else.This is a place we need so i dont think you will be or should be attacked in any way  or form. If people have a problem with that then they have the problem not you John,,,,,,James

[sphynxs]

James, you know I would love to offer some kind witty one liner that might help you. Unfortunately, I'm not an NA person. I'm like you, shy around strangers. Also, omg i'm going to be attacked when I say this. I'm an athiest. I don't believe in God or Satan. There I said it. Now watch as people turn against me. It's happened before.  I've been to NA's before, as soon as I mention the whole athiest thing... I'm shunned! Anyways. I can relate to the shyness and the need to keep to yourself at those meetings. But if you're gonna go to them, use them.... open up. Let them see the amazing James that I've gotten the priveledge to see. That's all I've got to say about that.

Like the forrest gump reference? I always wanted to do that. lol.

Your friend,

John