Day 17 - Back to Work Yesterday

[Back2Me]

Here is my update. Went cold turkey from heroin and pills 17 days ago. Brutal. Ok well I went back to work yesterday on day 16. First thing you have to know is work is where I used the most I believe. Always in the bathroom stalls, ALWAYS nodding off at my desk all day. Could barely stay awake at all during the day. Only for about 30 mins after a shot then I would be super tired again. Ok so knowing that it was reeeeeeaaaaaly weird being there sober. This is the first time I have waked into work sober. I was a little nerved and on edge. Well more than a little. I didn't have a panic attack or anything but I  am still feeling kind of shady and it was kind of tuff staying there. I did not have a lot of motivation or energy but I did not nod off not even once! I processed a bunch of missed emails and attended some work meetings and played it off pretty good I think. Then I had to use the bathroom. YIKES. As soon as I opened the door I was taken immediatly back to using in there. It was always my private refuge. The smells (cleaner smell not nasty smells :) the feel of the air the hum of the vents the color of the walls the sight of the stall door. It all rushed at me like a train! But I went about my business and left and have been in there half a dozen times since putting water on my face or whatever. It's still really weird. I didn't REALLY want to use BUT I sure did remember it. I'm still too dedicated and pissed off to really consider using. I also sat at my desk and thought I don't have to worry about hurrying home for a fix because I didn't bring enough or i used it all up too fast that day. That was good. One of the worse days of my using life was at work. I had no money and one hit left, I used it when I got up and had to get on the phone and get one of those damn rip off Internet loans (that ill be paying for forever) it took FOREVER to process and by lunch I was about dying. Finally around 1:30 it hit my bank. I had to send my wife to my "friend" over an hour a way to get my stuff. I litteraly sat at work watching the SECONDS tick by in serious withdrawls knowing I had over two hours to wait. I did not believe I could wait 5 minutes let alone over 2 hours. I was texting my wife every 5 minutes pleading with her to please hurry I felt like I was dying. I couldn't sit still I couldn't move around I was in serious pain. It was the longest 2 1/2 hours of my life! In agony I waited. When she finally got there I ran out to meet her and get my stuff. Finally with my fix I ran to the bathroom. I felt so terrible that day. Terrible of what I had gone through, terrible about having to get that stupid loan, terrible about having to send my wife with my baby to pick up that garbage. Relatively low risk with my friend but still not a task they should have been on. And I felt scared to death of quitting heroin after what I felt that day. It was really a eye opening day I never wanted to feel like that again. So it's all good even though I was tired and not motivated and a little nerved it was way better than that day.  
So I try to remember that day.
I came home last night after a therapy meeting, took a shower, ate and could not even watch all of the wings game cause my body was exhausted. I dragged myself into bed and shook with exhaustion and fell asleep.
Woke up today super tired but made it through work again. Still not great but I made it. And I came home and made my tired azz go for a walk.
So here I sit. Still a little foggy, still sneezy, still weak, but pushing on. Little better every day. Day 18 tomorrow! Maybe my first aa/na meeting tomorrow as well. Maybe :)

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya back2me,
I didn't read all your post as im visually impaired so if i appear rude I am sorry.
Would just like to say that going through that day without your DOC is amazing. Knowing there are trigger points like 'using in the bathroom.'  Looking at positive things like 'not nodding off at work.'  
You're an inspiration to others n people need to read posts like this.
Good luck n all the best,
Evey.

[WODAgirl]

We don't have any in this area. I wish they did.

[Nighthawk61]

I found my best support for the same DOC in a same sex closed meeting. Hoping you're feeling better, longer, sooner.....NH

[WODAgirl]

I am. It's just hard. But I am trying to be strong.

[Jimmy1975]

Funny how you can think the worst is behind you then BOOM ! I remember I was oh must have been 25 days out and I woke up one morning feeling like it was day 4 . Nasty feeling ! It happens but that too will fade away in time . Stay strong ! Jimmy

[WODAgirl]

So, my day....I feel like I was pummeled back to day 9. My symptoms came back almost almost full force, and I'm still sweating like a ball of....well, sweat. I wanna scream!  

[addiction777]

Glad u made work and don't have to worry about finding new work! I'm only 4 or 5 days ahead and everyday is getting better ! In a month or so you will be a ball of energy at work ! Keep it up ! I to used the washroom as a daily escape from daily life! You will start to see you have no need to escape anymore!! good job!!!

[Back2Me]

Yes! Do try a meeting. That's good news that you are open to it. What happened today?

[WODAgirl]

I had a rough day too. I'll probably try a meeting out tmw. Good to know my zombie buddy still kicking it with me. :)

[ricart70]

Glad you got back to work buddy. That will help.I went back to work at about that day and it was no fun.  One of my jobs is a real physical one.It was 100 degrees out and I thought I was going to die all day.
    Work always added 30-40 % to my mood though especially at the end of the day as opposed to sitting all day or trying to do busywork.
     I think I really started to feel better around day 25-30 this last time.I was doing  the same thing you were doing and am 42 as well.  Hope you get feeling lots better soon.

[gnarly_1]

if you can hook up with an N/A meeting you will get more out of it....Gnarly

[gnarly_1]

Hey Dude you go you got this this time around  keep pushing forward  things will contue to get better and better  work the aftercare and you will not have to do this again  look forward to seeing you more often with big clean time to report im so happy to see you beating your demond here good luck and God bless...............Gnarly