Relapse

[missmetal]

Hola and Hello - I had 278 days under my belt, and I've relapsed.  No two ways about it - no need to sugarcoat it - I've relapsed.  I was hospitalized in February for a week with gastroparesis and Crohn's complications.  I was completely honest with all my doctors, and it's STILL incredibly easy to obtain the Norco...it's worse this time than it ever has been, not the physicality of it, but the overwhelming guilt and sadness and anger and fear and whatever other negative feelings one could think of.  All I want to do is cry - none of my family behaves like I do; my boyfriend doesn't behave like I do; my friends don't behave like I do - I'm a fairly intelligent person, and I'm having the worst time figuring out why I let this have such a hold over me.  I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself; it is what it is?  Maybe...but...I'm so unhappy right now - I was doing so well, and feeling so much more happier about life in general before I let this get its hooks into me AGAIN...there has to be something I can do about this - there's a 90% probability that I'll have surgery for the Crohn's sometime this summer.  Before I can think about that, I need to get through this period, and somehow make myself stronger for after my surgery and every day, in general.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now - I'm feeling pretty lonely, and I can't even begin to verbalize how ashamed I am.

Thanks.

[ImDONENoMore]

You're welcome!  And I do remember those times when I would feel SO bad about myself, and then a few moments later, that feeling would lift.  It was strange, good, but strange.  And I think, actually no, I KNOW, those better feelings will start happening more often and for longer periods of time.  I went up and down a lot those first couple of months - but I did notice that after a few weeks, I'd have more good days in a row than bad.  Still some tough days, but nothing like the beginning.  So keep that faith - and the HOPE that it will continue to get better.

And my brother has tried everything - most recently the humera treatments and they seem to help him.  He used to do the remicade, but for some reason, he finds after he's done a certain treatment for a little while, it stops working and he needs to "switch" it up a bit ya know what I mean?  And actually, a few years ago he had the colostomy surgery and that was a lifesaver for him.  But keep in mind, he lived with the crohn's (he was on prednisone for YEARS, and is now taking pantessa (sp?) - but anywho, he's had this disease since he was 17 and he's now 50.  So it was time for him to finally do the surgery and he's really glad he did.  And he's finally gaining weight again - as he has been SO thin his whole life.  And has always had a tough time keeping his appetite up.  So he's eating more now and finally putting on some weight.  So it's all good!

And funny you should ask whether he ever ended up with a problem with the narcotics.  And he never did.  In fact, never used them over all of these years.  I ask him ALL the time how did you do it without pain meds?  And he just looks at me like I'm speaking another language!  LOL  I guess he just never wanted to take that route.  And unfortunately, he has suffered quite a bit over the years, but he's finally feeling better.  So for that, I am VERY grateful.  We're really close and I've been through all of this with him so it's really great to finally see him feeling better.

And I'm glad you're feeling a little better right now.  Like I said, you will find those "good" moments happening more and more frequently, just be patient and give yourself the time you deserve to get better.  You'll get there you'll see.  And I'll be rooting for you all the way there!  :)

[missmetal]

Thank you, thank you, thank you  :-)

My sister said the same thing you did about being honest with the doctors...both of you can't be wrong  :-)

And I'm sure my specialist has seen a lot of people like me over the years...so...as I'm sure he already knows, I will tell him next week that I am struggling, and I need help.  I know I should feel better about that, but right now, I don't - maybe I'm just so emotionally and physically drained - stupid Crohn's, as well - I think if I get a good night's sleep, I'll feel better tomorrow.

With what I went through the past 3-4 years, leading up to my OD last year - things are so much better now (I have different health insurance - the previous wasn't interested in treating me properly, only overmedicating me so I'd hopefully go away, which I almost *permanently* did, but I do acknowledge my responsibility in what almost happened) - and my family/boyfriend now know about my struggles - so, things are actually much, much better -

Actually, in the past 10 minutes or so, I do feel a little bit better about the situation - I'm not sure why - I'm going to be (more) honest with my doctors (not that I haven't, but I could be more so, you understand...) and I will get through this.  And I don't have to let the Crohn's take over and make it so I'm a slave to narcotics...that's something I'm really afraid of...

Out of curiosity, what treatment is your brother on for his disease?   How does he manage it?  Does he have problems with opiates or narcotics, too?

Thanks again for making me cry (lol) - I think I feel a little better now.

K  oxoxo

[ImDONENoMore]

There is NOTHING wrong with you!  You're just an addict like all of us.  And that doesn't make you a BAD person, only a sick one (like me).  And there's NO shame in that.  Really, there isn't.

You've gotten "back on the horse" dusted yourself off and you're moving forward.  That says A LOT about the kind of person you are so don't dismiss that.  And I know the struggles you're having with the Crohn's - my brother has the disease also and it's been a tough battle for him.

But you are a lot stronger than you think.  And you're reaching out for help - which is the best thing anyone can do.  Getting help doesn't make you weak - only stronger.  And I think as long as you remain honest with your Dr.'s the relationships there will be positive ones for you, and for them.  And please, treat yourself like you would your very favorite person in the world - would you dismiss that person or stop loving them if they made a mistake?  Of course you wouldn't.  So be that nice to yourself.  You are WORTH it!  :)

[missmetal]

Hey there - thanks for writing - I'm feeling like absolute crap right now - how could I let this happen to me AGAIN - I worked so hard to get to where I was, and I ruined it.  My specialist sees right through me - he will be referring me to a pain management doctor next week (although he will still be in charge of my Crohn's treatment, for which we are looking at Remicade or Humira)...Emotionally, I feel awful - I'm really worried about ruining the relationship I have with my specialist - not to mention, my primary care doctor - is there anything you can tell me that will make me feel better about those relationships, and that I won't lose them?

My mother told me today that she and my specialist had had a chat at some point, and they agreed that she wouldn't be my "dealer" - it made her uncomfortable, for which I feel bad, but she had agreed to help me, and that was the only way we knew at the time - it made me feel so much better about being able to take narcotics when I REALLY needed them - and I felt good about being able to take them correctly and NOT have a problem (but who am I kidding - I will always have a problem with them) - I'm sure everything I'm telling you, you've heard 9,000 times before...

I know I shouldn't be beating myself up AGAIN (thought I was through with that), but here I am...it seems like everything else in my life is going pretty well (except the Crohn's, and I know I have to find a way around that since it's going to be with me, IS with me)  - a promotion/raise at work, my daughter is coming to live with me the beginning of June (she's 17 and a gem), the boyfriend I have is - eh - not perfect - but a pretty good guy, nonetheless - what the hell is WRONG with me?

Thanks for allowing me to vent - am off to make some phone calls and see if I can't get myself some additional help.


K  oxoxo

[Dave1963]

Hi..I can totally relate to the relapse.  I was 6 months clean, sitting in my office, picked up the phone and called my doc for a script.  It was that easy!!!!  I am on day 4 and this time I can say mentally I'm done!!!!!  You're not alone, we have all been there.  The first step is admitting to yourself you have a problem and you have acknowledged that.  You came to this forum seeking help.  I can say this forum is a great place to be for support and inspiration.  K, talking about this to the ones you love, and love you, is a great step.  I don't have many friends, but I can say I have made many here.  We are all here to help one another, in any way possible!!!  Look at your life before the pills and keep those times as your source of inspiration.  Music definately helps, I myself, love 80's metal and it's on all day every day :)  If you need anything we are here for you.  Stay strong and God Bless <3  Dave

[gnarly_1]

HI  good to see you posting but it always breaks my heart to here of relapses .....I know we beet this drum a lot but the key to long term sobriety for most of us has been one form of aftercare or another N/A is good so is A/A there free and it works if you work it there are also conslors and addiction therapist get pluged in somewhere...statistics show that only 10% of the people will make it 1 yr clean and sober without aftercare it not what happened that important but more about what your going to do differt this time around we know you can do it you just need to learn some tools and skills to help you overcome your addiction....it the very way we think that needs to change....will be here for your detox let it be your last one good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[stilltrying1965]

I know what you mean about the guilt and shame. It held me back for a long time and because of that i relapsed countless times. It was only when i learned to deal with guilt,shame that i could move forward you can do the same. Your life is so so worth it. I had over 250 clean days and blew it because of guilt and shame amongst other things but put it down to learning and coping with new skills, the tools i needed to move on with my life. Like i said its only a bump in the road, now my friend forget the bump keep moving forward I know you can do this i have a lot of belief in you So lets get you back on the road the road to happiness and recovery,,,,,,James

[j34]

yes we are I know for myself that I was beating myself up with a tree never mind a stick !!! I did a step 8 and put myself for a person i had harmed and when i did step 9 I made amends to myself that i would no longer call myself names, i would educate myself,I would learn to love sober, and I would accept myself just as I am a recovering person not recovered and I found when I relapsed it showed me how much I had reallly wanted those things they were no longer just words on a piece of paper.. I had changed... a spirtiual awakening somebody told me  and I started day by day saying kind things ot myself , I am worthy , I am beautiful, I am a work in progess.....just as you are

[missmetal]

Hi there - thank you so much for your comment - as I said above to j34, I seriously didn't expect anyone would write back, and I'm so thankful you did.  You should be extremely proud of yourself and your 90 days and each day that follows - I just watched an interesting local program on "Pain Medications and the Potential for Addiction."  It was like the program was made for ME about ME...the most important thing I learned from it (aside from maintaining an honest relationship with your healthcare providers, if you misuse or abuse prescription narcotics/opiates) was to surround yourself with people who CARE - I know you don't know me from Adam or Eve, but just the fact that you took the time to comment assures me you are a caring, decent person.  Thank you SO MUCH for your comment; in addition to sharing this with my sister earlier this evening (after I posted), in some respects I feel much better, but it will take some time for the guilt and shame to abate.

I hope you have a good rest of your night, and thank you again - and keep up the AWESOME work with your sobriety.

K   oxoxo

[missmetal]

Wow!  I have tears in my eyes right now - I didn't expect anyone would write back - I'm so glad you did - and thank you for what you said - I managed to talk to my sister, and after that conversation, felt much better about myself and the situation.  One day at a time - I know...it still hurts me that I could do that to myself - we are our own worst/harshest critics, though, aren't we?

Thank you again, SO MUCH -

K   oxoxo

[stilltrying1965]

Plz dont be ashamed. Dust yourself down and get back on the horse and lets get back on the right path the path to recovery You had 278 days so i think you relapsed yes you did but to me it was only a bump in the road the road to recovery. So dont beat yourself up be proud of were you have gotten as it takes a lot of hard hard work to get those 278 days I was a heroin addict of 14 yrs i now have 90 days and im very proud of myself. So get back up get over the lil bump in the road Best wishes to ya my friend ,,,,,James

[j34]

first things first you are being honest right now!! beating yourself up is not going to help you...I relapsed as well after a yr clean and am now 21 months clean!! I was told this, it isnt the part of falling down that counts it is the part of getting up and learning ... What i did was get hooked in with a womans step group WOW is all i can say that was so tremdous in my recovery
suggestion write about what it is like at this moment all the feelings and emotions get it OUT of your head,,another saying I liked was when I relapsed was why are you with the last person you used with ...ME.... so I made sure i was with ppl to hold me and love me while I couldnt do it myself. am here for you anytime, heading out the door to my homegroup(even tho I dont feel like going ) and am going to do something today for my recovery ,,many blessings j34