Need Support, again.

Question

Hi everybody, I used to be active on this site almost exactly two years ago. I managed to stay clean for just a touch over a year. Shortly after a year, I would just use a little here and a little there and after two years here I am again facing yet another fight. I have used pretty heavily since last October, and I have gone through two or three bad withdrawal episodes.Honestly I have lost count of how many times and how much and often I have used. I am addicted to pain killers. I am ashamed of myself, but when I am using I justify every pill. I tapered (not very well admittedly) and have not used in 24 hours. I went through a much better organized taper and successful kick back in May, but not successful really as here I am AGAIN. I have neck and pain issues and I use those as an excuse to get prescriptions, I always run out a little early, and this time I ran out a full week early. I have problems with depression, and I know in my heart that is the BIGGEST reason I use. I have taken medication over the years for it, and I still do. I don't attend counseling as I am a full time single mom, employee and student. I decided to pursue a Masters Degree shortly after I got clean two years ago. I have watched my life, my grades, and job go up and down with the the pills. I know I am rambling....
I am so depressed. I already know this is normal, along with the anxiety after stopping the pills. I am using Clonidine patches that were prescribed two years ago, but just stupid crap is making me literally CRAZY. I was stupid and joined a dating site two weeks ago, and met someone nice and ended up being blown off YESTERDAY right in the midst of trying to get clean and OF COURSE I feel unworthy and stupid as I thought things with this new guy were going well. It hurts your feelings, but right now I feel like I am insane over it. I am lonely, in despair, can't eat, can't go out, a meeting is out of the question. Anything is out of the question. If someone could just talk to me, I would be so appreciative. I am happy to see some of the same people on here, I hope to hear from you. I feel broken beyond repair.
EG&)

Pollyanna7 · Answer

Hi EG70.. I am on day 6 of being clean. Our stories are very similar. I was clean last year for almost 9 months then started using pain killers again here and there. Then was caught up with the addiction all over again.Since last August I have been using pain killers regular. I have been using for 10 years, the past few months I have taken more than I ever had simply because there was an abundance because of my husbands surgery and he hardly took any at all. I kept getting his refills for myself. This is what I want to remind you and me.. after I got off the pills and the worst of the WD was over, I have never felt so good! I would stare at myself in the mirror and say wow you look so different!! I couldn't believe what a shell I was and my family never knew. I kept it hidden from everyone. I did finally tell my husband when I gave it up the first time. I needed his help so much with the WD. So today on day 6, its hard but better and I already look different in the mirror. Yes it was so hard to face another day and get out of bed, but I feel better once I got up. Forcing myself to get out and walk has truly helped. Sitting around is the worst for me. Take care. Thinking about you

gnarly_1 · Answer

hi and welcome back.....although I wish it where on better terms..we cant over emphasize how critical aftercare is...I agree whole heartedly with Sarah on this...we see those that use aftercare and come back and post how great there lives are clean.....then we see those that dont come back over and over again from a relapse ....addiction is a disease and like all diseases you need to treat it....long after the pills stop your still stuck with the addict in your head and all the behaviors that go along with it without treatment your chances are less then 10%..I have tryed most forms of aftercare... at first the pastor of my church then a addiction therapist then a substance abuse counselor and finely the rooms of N/A...all kept me clean but it was N/A that gave me my life back....b/4 N/A I was clean but the addictive behaviors ran my life...I figured after 35 yrs of abuse the obsessions the cunpulshins the resentments the self sabotage and the imadate need for instant gratification was running my life....N/A is the only progam that treats the addict and by working the 12 steps it will give you structure in your life that if applied you can overcome all of the short comings of active addiction and address the behaviors...it is also the only progam that I know of that with time you will loose the very desire to get high...something I always thought was impossible...also I might add it is free the meetings are only a hour long and will give you some place to share what is going on in your head and the people will understand....so the ball is in your court...we will always support you your detox let this be the last one for you...google a n/a meeting near you and go..........
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

dominosarah · Answer

There are many addiction counselors out there now. I am not sure of your area so goggle that.  As for the eating, make sure you are getting something down. I ate pudding, popsicles, etc.  It was much easier to let the stuff slide down than have to chew!  Are you drinking plenty of fluids?  Try to get some fresh air and sit in the sun for a bit.  That really does help.

dominosarah · Answer

Everytime you go back out it gets worse.  We just cant preach that enough on here.  This isnt your first rodeo so you know what you need to do to get thur the wd's.  You have been doing this your way for too long and it isnt working.  I get that as i did the same thing.  I finally took that cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth and listened to those who had gone before me.  You said meetings are out, anything is out.  Why is that?  There are other forms of aftercare out here.  Using is just a symptom of what is going on with you.  Face your demons head on and i can guarantee you will find some peace.  You are worth this fight~

jifmoc · Answer

Hi, EG, I don't remember your name but welcome back. You've been around here so I'm sure you know what the folks on here will say. I remember everyone on here gave me tough love and it ended up being the best thing ever. I'm now a little over 2 years clean. They told me to stop making excuses and get my butt into aftercare. Everyone that told me that had a respectable amount of sobriety. I knew my way wasn't working, so why wouldn't I listen to the folks that did it right?  I tried for YEARS to stop pills my way, but I always went back. As soon as I finally surrendered, got to meetings, listened, did what others have done, it worked. I wish the same for you.

Believe_in_yourself · Answer

Woops, sorry gals, I think I got threads confused! My apologies. This typing from phone threw me off. Good luck to both of you. Many hugs to you both. Take care

Believe_in_yourself · Answer

Hello Frau, yes aftercare is essential. I'm am extremely blessed in that area. After burying my daughter, chaos was my life. A divorce, split two close family's in two, extreme heartbreak, I could go on and on...it was essential for me to deal with that thru counseling one on one with a professionals. I also took grieving courses, and was carried by those in my church. My pastor and congregation were my rock and still are. I have no desire to use, none but I know the feeling of loss and withdrawal. My health has taken a beating I and my doctor believe because of extreme stress. But regaining it is still a work in progress and was almost forced on hydro to control diarrhea and colitis pain in order to even be able to work. So I still have my pyshciatrist on speed dial. This life is soo hard but can be beautiful if we take care of ourselves and understand our plan may be different than Gods for us! Warm hugs your way!

FrauBennett · Answer

Hello friend! I am sorry you are going through this. I have been addicted to pain killers for the same reasons as you...legitimate physical symptoms but using them as a crutch emotionally/mentally. I just took my last pill 3 days ago and am depressed, exhausted, anxious. I am going to try to start seeing a therapist to work on some things that I think will help my long term success and you should too if you can. SSRIs and those things help but maybe just taking to someone will make the difference for you. I hope you are well and feeling supported while reading this. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Believe_in_yourself · Answer

Dear EG70. First welcome back. Sorry you have to go thru this again as I just did for medical reasons. You can do this, you've done it before right? I'm no expert on advice but I know for sure you are worth it and so are your children! You can read what I posted a few titles down on "A big giant hug to all in medhelp community" if you feel like it. Remember the ways you got thru it last time! Patience, nutrients, maybe praying, and exercise when you can. I feel exercise, even though it's the last thing we feel like we can do, helps tremendously to start creating the good natural endorphins in the brain! I know also how hard it is with kids and going thru this...as I'm a single dad. I hope and pray you have some support that can help you? Reach out to your dearest trusted friends and if they are dear friends then they will help. Remember, just one day at a time and don't get think too far ahead. You will come thru even stronger but be nice and gentle with your body trying to mend!! Sending prayers your way!! Others with much better advice will be along shortly for support. I didn't even post this last time going thru but I read post after post especially when sleep doesn't come! Hang in there and never give up! Your stronger than you think! Keep posting for support, weekends can be slow!