Need Support/Advice For Desperate Final Attempt At Sobriety

[sk8trnate]

Hi guys, I know it's not often you hear a 17 year old kid wanting to get sober... And that is exactly why it has been such a struggle for me. I have been using anything I could get my hands on to cope with anxiety/depression/insomnia/add, or just to be happy and have fun. I already went through an inpatient treatment program almost two years ago, and pretty much lied my way through it. I didn't want to admit I had a problem for years, just rationalized it with what "everyone else was doing". The fact was, I was the only one my age doing lines of coke in the bathroom stall between classes, only one stealing from my family and friends just to have money to support my habit. I have amazing and supportive parents, but I have told them so many times that this time would be the last time, that they don't believe me anymore... and I don't blame them. I've went to celebrate recovery classes, but no one my age is in them. I am the drummer in our church worship team, and little do they know I've been struggling with my sobriety for so long. (I live in a rural farm town of 2000 people, and everyone drinks and parties) I moved around a lot, so that isn't in my heritage, and I don't feel like I fit in, because I don't. The fact is, I have accepted the fact that I'm the only kid my age trying to straighten my life out before my 18th birthday in a month, so I don't screw up my life forever. I haven't been sleeping at all because I've been on and off of cocaine the past few weeks, and today I finally threw all I had left away. I really need to make it happen this time. I have cried, prayed to God, and spent hours in his word the last week when I was up all night. Every time I get clean I go through an insane period of depression, anxiety and paranoia. During those few months that my brain tries to get back to being normal, my life is a living hell. And I feel like there is no hope, so I go back to drugs. I'm going to have to stop hanging out with my best friend, because all we ever do is get twacked and attempt to write a book or some other ridiculous idea we come up with.

Sorry if I'm blabbering on and on, I just have no where else to go and I'm coming down of my last line. HOPEFULLY FOREVER. If anyone can relate to me, or has any advice on what I can do, or any tips or tricks they have from getting sober, I would greatly appreciate it. I need to make it this time, I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to be happy without drugs.

Thank you so much,
Nate

[toothfairie]

congrats on wanting to get your life back!  I personally don't have experience with coke but some here may have.....just stay strong and know that you can do this....you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you and i know your parents will be so proud of you when you get and stay clean!  kudos for getting rid of what you had left....that takes courage....just wanted to lend my support...just know that you can post any time you need support, this site is great!  other people will chime in soon so keep reading the posts...good luck on your journey!  stay strong in the fight!  and aftercare is a must. :)  

[sk8trnate]

Thank you very much, having people believe in me could make the whole difference this time. If anyone has any questions about what I meant please ask.

[toothfairie]

we will all believe in you!  that's what this site is for....support...even when we fail, we pick each other back up and go forward!  just let us help you when you have worries or questions....we are here for you....helping others helps us.

[vicki595]

You're so young...your post just hurt.  Listen, life is not easy and we don't always feel wonderful everyday BUT there ARE days that are divine...

You're going to miss out on everything if you don't break away from this cocaine trap!

Please, right now, go to your parents and BEG them to help you. Talk to them like you talked to us. Be honest.  If they love you even half as much as I love my child...they'll help you and be there for you.

Don't give up on fighting for a better way to live. It's worth it!!

[sk8trnate]

I talked to my mom about it today, my dad is never really home and is an alcoholic so he doesn't really have room to talk, so he doesn't get involved really. My mom is willing to do anything, it is just the fact that she has no idea what it is like to be addicted like this... I mean I love my parents, and I know they want the best for me, and I know they try their best... But my dad is just too busy with work and doing whatever he does, and my mom is deaf, so it is hard to communicate with her, but we do our best. I can't go to treatment again, I just need support for once.

Your post made me tear up, and that is exactly what I need. Thank you... Having people say positive things to you feels great, and I don't get that often.

I don't want to keep living this life like I have, I hate it. I hate it so much. I gotta stay sober this time. Thanks again

[toothfairie]

you don't have to live this life anymore....you can get free of it....take whatever help your mom can give you....maybe go to a meeting?  if that's possible.....sounds like you've gotten clean before but you just need to get thru the first few bad days then time will speed up.....just hang on with everything you've got....it DOES get better...you will be so glad you did....read up on how to stay clean.....do some research online and take whatever steps you have to to get some help.  You are worth it...you really are.

[vicki595]

You have to keep at it!  Keep talking to her in the way that you do. Don't isolate and I know you're doing that!

Cocaine is a crazy drug. It's also illegal so you don't want to get involved with the law. The thing with coke is that it's a mental addiction and it's a tough one. But, it's over quickly if you get passed the first few days.  It does scream you're name, I know, but you can beat that down!   There's so much else to do!   What are your college plans??   Get some!  xo

[sk8trnate]

I've probably tried 150 times to get sober, each time maybe for a few hours, or a day, or one time I even went a month. I just really don't know how to stop myself from going out and buying some drugs... I'm my own worse enemy I guess. Nor do I know what to do if something bad happens and I want to go use again.

[clean_in_ks]

My heart goes out to you.....and you are an amazing young man....so much life to be lived ahead of you....The trap door you feel like you are in isn't locked......it just feels like it right now.
You have learned A LOT about yourself and addiction since you went thru inpatient trmt two yrs ago.  Each experience you've had can be a stepping stone UP to a new place.  We get to choose....stumbling blocks OR stepping stones, right?
We have to be willing to CHANGE some things that are HARD to change.
Like your best friend.....if he still wants to get twacked.....you will have to leave him to that.....and maybe God will use YOU in his life as he sees you get clean.  There's this saying that may help you...."At some point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life."
By watching you change your life......maybe that will give your best friend the courage to do the same.....if not.....you know the answer.

It may seem impossible to you that your parents could believe in you and support you again.....but they CAN and will if you outwardly show signs of CHANGE and your actions speak louder than the words they are so used to hearing.  I have a precious young man in my family that has repeatedly told all of us the same thing for 14 yrs!  He just got out of federal prison and most family members are not willing to believe in him at this point....they want to SEE not HEAR the changes he professes to making.
I'm beliveing in him BIG time......as long as he doesn't just "talk the talk", but continues to "walk the walk".

As long as you are hangiing w/people that use and party w/drugs and alcohol.....still haven't cut off your drug source(s), and aren't in any recovery program of any kind....it's difficult to believe "this time is different".  Ya know?

I believe you........help others to believe you by new choices this time.
You sound like you're A LOT of fun......and once you learn how much fun you can have living a clean life....those drums you play will never be the same LOL.  When you surrender this time.....make sure you give God ALL the broken pieces~

[sk8trnate]

I will try my best to keep talking to her about it.
Yeah, the mental part is the hardest for me, it just adds to my already-present anxiety. I got really lucky and got all my charges sealed, so that is a big motivation to get sober... Cause if I mess up again I will go straight to jail. But I am going for my bachelors to be a Health and Fitness Specialist.

The reason a lot of people don't offer me help is because I'm the total opposite of what most people think a drug addict would look like. I'm super athletic and a pro at putting on a fake smile. I know that if I want to follow my dreams of being a bodybuilder one day that I have to knock this crap off. I just don't know just how to do that yet.

[clean_in_ks]

Sorry Nate, I was typing and got interrupted before I posted.  Lots of info exchanged from when I read your first post.  
My dad was gone working and drinking ALL my growing up years, so I can definitely relate to you there.  I'm glad you have your mom's support...maybe as you find things about addiction that help you understand the nature of this disease, you can print them out for her to read.  I have a web site I just recently posted in one of my journals that really helps "understand addiction".  She could toot around that web site and learn and understand a WHOLE lot about you (and your dad).

There are some articles about cocaine addiction on our health pages...that may help you....here's one I read...and I think there are two or three more that may bless you to read:

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Cocaine-Withdrawl/show/572?cid=66

For me, the more I know about the disease of addiction, the better equipped I am to actually live with it.  Hope you check back in with us~

[VICourageous]

WOW I am sooooo Proud of you. I go to the meetings both aa/na and the ones that are my age or older (56yrs) Just cry to you young ones to please please do not wait until you are are age. We missed out on alot of things we could of done. Although God works in his time we also make a choice. I was on many drugs all my life off and on since I was 14yrs (not proud of it at all ) I too was doing the coke at your age. I usually walked away from it all without no withdraws, I did not even know what a withdraw was until I hit the opiates/methedone. You made me get a tear. please hang in here everyone will be soooo SUPPORTIVE. I have been seeing blessing from many who get clean and stay clean on this post. Plus other things they do....
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!
I think you choke alot of us up with goodness
vickie

[vicki595]

People don't always offer help...you need to ask for it. And, believe me, most of us here look like average people or better than average...

Make up your mind to get off this track. You have all the control and no one is going to give you your freedom from drugs. You need to go after it.

If you're athletic than this is familiar to you:   JUST DO IT.  

[sk8trnate]

Thank you... I REALLY want to find God this time. He saved my youth pastor from my church instantaneously, so I know he can do the same for me. Even though whenever I try to bring God into my life it never seems to work... My mom says it is because my heart isn't in it.

[sk8trnate]

Thanks for that link clean. And wow wic, I really took that to heart. I know I've heard a lot of older guys when I was in treatment telling me to get out of it now, and I just wouldn't listen. Just do it... hmm. That's awesome how that applies to more than just running... Thank you guys for this... it means so much :( I'm starting to comedown really hard and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm going to make this the last torturous night like this.

[toothfairie]

try taking a hot shower or bath....it always helped me with anxiety.....and deep breathing exercises....do them for a few mins....and put your mind on something else......maybe try to watch a movie or listen to some calming music.....hope you feel better tmrw.....just hang in there....i know you have it in you!  keep posting for support!  

[clean_in_ks]

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/understanding_addiction/16_myths_of_addiction.html

That particular part of the hbo.com/addiction link explains just SOME of the "myths" of addiction we addicts must contend with.  But another HUGE myth that you brought to mind......you said one of the reasons people don't offer you help is because you look the opposite of what an addict looks like,'
(not your exact words, but close)

Addicts don't LOOK any certain way.....that's the HUGE myth you brought to mind.  We are from every walk of life, every race, creed, and income level.  Our professions are many.  We are doctor's, homemakers, EMT workers, athletes, retired, rich and poor and in between.  Just as it "rains on the just and the unjust"....the disease of the brain does NOT discriminate.  SO many people don't "get it".  It frustrates me completely!
So.....when you aren't crashin from your last high.....please take the time to re-read, re-process this whole thread from tonight.  The younger we begin our drug/alcohol use......the more severe the consequences.  

I know for tonight you are crashin, but when you have a little more clarity, I hope you will make it a point to re-read this whole thread.

Addicts don't LOOK a certain way.....that's a HUGE

[cork712]

You are on the right track. Just hang in through the anxiety--it seems to hit everyone hard no matter what drug we've taken. It's just real life coming without a filter so do all the relaxing things toothfaire said. Deep breathing can really calm you. The Deepak Chopra website has short meditations you can listen to online.http://www.chopra.com/library/guidedmeditations
I've been where you are: new kid in small town in high school, athlete...trying to fit in a new place. Very stressful. And I know when coke wore off, I was so down, depressed, lethargic (in my mid-20's!). I just had to quit between that and feeling like I could have a heart attack at 25! And I have my own teens now, and taught high school to at-risk teens, so I know how hard these years can be. But you are close to moving on and it is great that you want to  stop all this before 18. You just found out things earlier than many of us have. Once your body adjusts, your mind will come to adjust too. Just give it a chance to heal which takes a little longer.  
I really like the term "urge surfing." Like a surfer, ride through the urges/cravings to use. They pass; it's not a permanent feeling. Google "urge surfing" and there are some really interesting tips. Don't think too hard. Just take it hour by hour, day by day.

[conhall]

dont give up on fighting for your sobriety go to your parents and beg them I am a parent and your post broke my heart Please keep posting you can take your life back!  Keep knocking on doors someone will answer :)
God bless you and posting is a huge step You can get thru this. Talk to your parents and like you said they have heard it before but it doesnt matter they love you

[Clarityrocks]

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you came here! My heart goes out to you while I am reading this post. I WISH I would have known I was an addict/alcoholic when I was your age, (cause I was already well on my way) it would have saved everyone a lot of heartache! lol. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it breaks my heart that you are struggling with this. So, I know it is tough at this moment, but maybe look into some aftercare, outpatient treatment, meetings, etc, when you are feeling a little better. In the meantime, stay away from using friends, change your number if you need to. I don't know what kind of resources you have if you are in a rural area, but remember, we are here, and we want to help in any way we can, even if you just need to vent.
Allison

[VICourageous]

ALRIGHT !!!!! I posted early that there will be some awsome people who care here.... RIGHT ON EVERYONE.....Keep checking post they roll in and out.
Bless you
vickie

[sk8trnate]

Wow... Thanks guys for all the support. I made it through the night and actually ate some food this morning. Just gotta take the day a minute at a time. Luckily I have to work early in the morning tomorrow so I won't be tempted to go out and do something stupid tonight. Feel like complete crap but hopefully I will start to feel better soon! Thanks again for all the support

[BarbRTR]

Your post has me in tears too! It's so wonderful you have decided to quit at your age, and not be 40 or 50, looking back, saying if only I would have quit.

You're so articulate. You have a very bright future ahead of you, should you decide to stop this now.

There isn't much I can add but my support. I take it since you said you basically lied through rehab the first time, it wasn't your choice to go? This only works if you want it to, and it seems you do this time.

I have a 16 y/o and a 18 y/o. My love for them is unconditional, and so is your Mom's. She's hurting because you're hurting. Please keep talking to her.

And one last thing, you say you do this because you're depressed ( among a couple other reasons). Do you see a Dr for your depression? And if you do, do you feel comfortable with them?

I'm very glad you found your way here. Please keep posting.

[peacedollar]

depression is very common comming off coke, crack.....you may need meds for a period of time say a year -2 yrs then ween of meds to see if you really need to be on them. i suffered crushing depression for yrs before and after coke.....doing coke actually made it worse for me....took a few yrs of finding the right meds that eventually saved my life....you can pm me if want to know more about that. and it took a little longer to get clean off crack...try to stay busy, get a hobby, meetings. anything that keeps you occupied and try not to be alone too much...goodluck...