3 1/2 years ago

[kirstenhere68]

3 1/2 years ago I had hit rock bottom with my addiction. I had found this site about a year before that. My addiction was deep. I did what I had to do in order to get my drugs, opiates....I didn't care who I hurt. I was addicted for 6 years. I wanted off of them soo bad. I hated it. I would come on here and read all these success stories and think.....they just weren't as bad off as me, or some crazy thought. Truth is, they, I, we....all were/are. This site literally saved my life. I would come on everyday and read every word that was written. I started doing the things I needed to do to get clean. And I'm happy to say I have been clean since May 24th, 2012. I stopped coming here once I knew I was ok...I wish I wouldn't have though. I think I could of helped a lot of people. I am back on now because my husband, of 17 years, age 42, passed away with now warnings 2 weeks ago. I'm on here looking for someone to talk with about grief. But I wanted to stop by here and tell everyone whom helped me....thank you. And to all of you struggling, there is hope. I promise there is. The death of my husband is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. He was my true love, my soul mate, my best friend. We still held hands when we walked. He was my everything. I never knew there was any such thing as this pain. It feels cruel to me right now. But..through all of this, I have no desire to use. I will not lie...the first few days I thought about it. But I would never go back into those pits of hell. Again, thank you to everyone. My old name was kirstenhere. in case any of you remember me.

[CATUF]

Kirsten:

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.  I don't know anything about a loss so profound, but i do know this: For a real alcoholic or addict, there's nothing so bad that drinking or using won't make it worse and nothing so good that drinking or using won't ruin it.  

You must be in such awful pain . . . but you're supposed to be in awful pain right now, it's how we're designed to be and we're supposed to feel and get through that pain. I went through family-member deaths (not like yours) when i was in active addiction and when I was in recovery. The former was easier for ME because I didn't feel anything - i was already numb by my using. But being activeI wasn't truly present for those who needed me ... if for nothing else than to actually share incomprehensible grief and sadness with me. Moreover, being in active addiction, I presented those people with another problem. In recovery, i have been there when i was needed, i felt what I was supposed to feel, and i was
truly there for the others who needed me.  
   I'm glad that you have the 3 kids and 5 grandkids that you so clearly love. Again, I've never suffered a loss like yours, but when I've been in periods that were hard for me, I've had to consciously focus on the basics: making that I eat, sleep, get some exercise, not isolate - all of which i can forget about. The HALT rule helps .... pay attention and address the issue if I find I'm getting Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. And I have to force myself to focus on the NOW ... because I'm usually ok right this minute, it's when I'm living in the "what happened" or the "what-its-going-to-be-like" that I become not ok.  

At my darkest hour, when I saw no possibility that thing could ever be OK again, let alone good, someone said to me: "Just do the next right thing, then the next right thing after that, and the next right thing after that. And if you keep on doing the next right thing, pretty soon you're going to be in the right place."  I thought they were spouting a fairy tale at the time, but they wrre telling the truth.

I will be praying for you.


CATUF
3840

[msdelight]

So sad to hear about your hub. I want you to know that there was nothing you could have done. Once a clot breaks free and lodges in the coronary vessels,  it takes like 5 minutes and the heart muscle begins to die. Even if it happened in the hospital, there likely would not have been enough time to get him to the cath lab. I'm so sorry my dear.

[kirstenhere68]

Thank you all.
They said it was a heart attack from a clot. He was healthy. Didn't have a single complaint about anything until an hour before he passed. Of course I keep saying...what if I would of made him go to the hospital as soon as he said his chest hurt. What it, what if. Coroner said it wouldn't of mattered where he was. I don't know if I believe that or not. I will always say..what if.
I'm soo angry. I'm soo sad. I go back and forth all day between the two. We had a beautiful 17 years together....but we were supposed to have another 30. I feel cheated. He was such a wonderful man.
10356, was that your wife? I'm sorry. 3 years
I don't believe in the saying...things can't get worse. I believe this can always be worse. But I've found myself saying that the past 22 days. Things are really, no doubts about it...but I have 3 beautiful chichen and 5 amazing grandkids. Something happening to one of them. ..would for sure be worse.

[motye51]

I am very sorry to hear about the death of your husband.  This is a time that I don't have experience with....and honestly, am not ready for.  You are clean, which is amazing and shows me that your first thought in how to deal with this situation was to reach out and talk....as opposed to getting loaded...so that tells me that this works!  
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[10356]

I'm so very sorry to read of your Husbands passing. I could not fathom what you are going thru.. With grief you just have to go with the feelings, when I lost my Samantha I was angry sad hurt so many emotions and 3 years later I still cry for loosing her.. There is no time limit on grief. I do want to Congratulate you on your clean time ! Good for you for not picking up.. As Sara said a grief support group our even AA our NA many of us in recovery have lost loved ones.. Reach out and try not to dwell in one place to long.. I wish you well, lesa

[dominosarah]

I remember you and Congrats on your clean time!!!  I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. Was it a heart attack?  Do they have grief support groups in your area?  I know they have them here and people have really found comfort.  I wish i had some magical words to take your pain away but all i have is just a hug for you~  sara