day 9 off norco, not so good today

[joyagain]

It's been nine days since the big event and hence the last pill.  I am very achey, tired, and am trying not to take the klonopine to calm the crankiness that has insued for I am not aloud to take that once the Diversion program starts.  Sooo many calls today admitting my addiction to people who will tell me what I cannot do and such.  It has ended the day with the feeling of being such a failure once again.  And I feel so fluish tonight.  I do have a friend from work that inquired about me via email asking "what the he!! is goin on?"  I met with her today and it was hard to admit what I had been doing.  I also spoke with the governing body that will be watching my activities for recovery and spoke with the disability MD.  Had to admit to all these what was going on.  Tomorrow I have the couseling appt. with the EAP.  I have yet to sit with kids and tell them I am not working anymore.  I am actually afraid my oldest will ask if i was fired.  Has anyone tried Calms Forte, is it herbal?  I hear it is supposed  to calm you, but not put you to sleep.  Thanks, Joy

[joyagain]

hi tensamerica, the feelings you have will come back, but hang in there, because they will go away quickly as well.  Get through the night whatever "clean" coping skill you have to do.  What did you do before?  Did you post like you are now all night?  That can get you through.  You are doing really well on day 6, keep posting, but try to make a new post on the front page for this is an old thread.  If you start your own new one you will see more people responding.  I wish you well and have you checked out the Thomas recipe on the R side of the front page.  Scroll down until you see "Thomas Recipe" appear on the R hand side of your monitor.  It has some good herbal meds and over the counter meds to get you through some of this.  A hot shower or bath can calm your nerves as well.  Good luck to you don't give up...Joy

[tensamerica]

can anyone tell me why on day 6 after feeling better today at night some things came back alittle and the feelings of being alone, scard, anxity very bad

[DayToTry]

I've been wondering about Joy too.  I wish she'd check in...
Hope you're doing ok Joy.

[Frivolousz21]

any updates on how your coming along?

[livngr8ful]

Your favorite person again......  How are you doing today?  Sara made a very good point about slowing down.  Dont worry about the diversion program, just do what you need to.  Also, After you get the time in in the diversion program, they would be lucky to have you as an employee.  As I said in a prior post, you will have a very unique experience.  Once you get in to recovery, you will find the terror of embarrassment will mostly disappear. People wont look at you like a junkie/full blown addict.  They will look at you as a professional that did what she needed to to get better.  You will have   the ability to look at this as the biggest accomplishment (other than your children) yu have done.  It will be empowering to the pint you will move forward faster.  Because you have accomplished one of the hardest things ever. The trust will be renewed simply because you will be able to talk about your problem with out lies and secrets.  This happens because you faced you problems head on and you admitted your wrong doings.  You will do this.  Focus solely on your recovery, because if you don't you wont have the confidence.

[LeaAnn807]

Hi Joy.....

I'm so sorry for all this!  BUT, I do agree with Sara here with the part about your mind going 100 MPH.  I can literally feel and see it when I read your posts.  I think that your mind needs a rest. I don't know how to tell you to get that, but I feel that you need it!

The thing with the meetings in your small town.....if you recognize people in there, please don't be embarrassed.  I know it's hard, but they are there for a reason too.  If those people are in meeting it is because they have a substance abuse issue like you!  They can't really judge you for being somewhere that they are, can they?  I promise that it will get easier.  The first one will be difficult, but that will lessen each time.  They will welcome you there.  

In reality, we should be proud to be getting our recovery care and taking care of our issues.  The embarrassment should have come while we were using and stealing and lying and don't things to support our addictions!  I know that is hard to swallow, but it is true! : )  

Better days are coming for you, Joy.  I promise you that!!!  Give yourself some time to heal and give your mind a break!

[joyagain]

I will listen, by "forced", I have just been so resisting only because it is a small town, and I was really trying to avoid that route do to the whole town of about 30,000 finding out.  I have lived here all my life and have a known family name, married and maiden, and a nurse to boot.  I have my kids who will probably have other children know about their mommy  even though my kids may not.  This is all very hard for me to swallow.  Not so long ago I was hoping to rely on other routes of recovery, maybe even going out of town an hour drive to meetings, but if I am going to be required to log in at least 5 days a week, then it is impossible for me to go to them out of town.  God is giving me time to accept this in this last two weeks.  I will and am getting over it, and soon will be entering my first meeting.  That day will be hard, the faces I will know and will know me.  It isn't that I do not want to listen though, I do.  Thanks for clearing that up, that didn't come out right....Joy

[gnarly_1]

Hey Joy I keep missing you by minutes but I just want to see how your doing tonight
where your mind set is and how your recovery is coming....post back when you get a chance
Gnarly

[dominosarah]

The pressure you put on yourself has to be exhausting joy......I feel that way just reading your posts.  Your brain goes a hundred miles an hour and never slows down.  That has to be overwhelming for you.  Hopefully in time you will be able to slow your thinking down and focus on a one day at a time philosophy.  It is so much easier to do that.  If you are forced into doing something do you really open your mind to what is being said?  Just wondering....sara

[joyagain]

Thank You, I can work after 9 months to a year of compliance with the board.  Which is great news.  I just need to get over facing everyone at work again after all this, and I probably will.  It is the only hospital where I live.  I can't just think that someone will higher me only nine months or a year after being in the diversion program can I?   I wonder if I can take courses to become an ACLS,  NRP, ect. trainer?  And do other things that are unconventional for income now?  I'm not sure if the board considers that working under my lisence or not.  I hope somebody from the board contacts me tomorrow so I am forced to go to the AA/NA meeting and get it over with.  Thanks Joy

[Lynne53]

It will be very hard at first to go through all the mandated changes you are going to have to do to keep your nursing liscense. You do have a choice you could surrender it and hope that the board would not turn you over to the police for prosecution for diversion of drugs. You have made the right decision to folow through and get well. Believe it or not you are in a better position than many you get disability pay for a year so that is income and hopefully a lot of the mandated counseling etc will be picked up be the board of nursing program. I do not believe it will be 4 years before you work after the first year period I hope your hospital would take you back and let you work while in the program. You have 4 kids and a husband who obviously love you and need you. All of us  at some point in our lives make bad choices it is called being human. God gave us free will and we make stupid choices over and over! Try and do one nice thing for yourself everyday I promise you you will survive this and have a much better life on the other side. Lynne53

[vicki595]

Joy~  I always worry. It's what I do!!  LOL

[joyagain]

Hey everyone,
Dav that's funny...no I'm not torching myself, I'm torturing myself:)  Well Vicki I'm ok.  Thanks this is 10 days.  I am really tired.  Saw a counelor today, just an introduction meeting.  Of course nothing much to say about it, but the person seems a good fit.  Will check in, you don't have to worry.  Hope you all are doing well....Joy

[vicki595]

Hey Joy~  How are you today?   Keep checking in,okay?

[Dav125]

Torturing I believe is the correct spelling..

Joy, it sounds like a self esteem issue..Something your counseling should help you with..Change doesn't come overnight so lighten up on yourself..Slow down a little  :)

[Frivolousz21]

  Torchering yourself by staying awake because your afraid of feeling too good?


we finally have a trigger and a reason for using with you.   This is something you need to address.

[livngr8ful]

Ya know whats nice.... Your starting the recovery process and it's great. Your frist posts were filled with alot of poor me posts. Now just after a few days you are actually starting to work your recovery.  You are doing great!!!  Its a very hard time but you are moving forward.  Im proud of your stepping forward.  Its a very nice change for you.  Yu will get sleep,  Remember there is only so much you can do in one day.. You have a long road ahead of you, but you are on the road. Congrats...  Its all baby steps..

[gnarly_1]

Hey Joy good to see you posting.....sorry your not feeling better but could be that your still pritty early in recovery...if you can sleep then do so your brain needs rest after detoxing
I understand if you cant sleep but like Sara says why wouldent you want to feel good??
take this time and pamper yourself a bit...you have a lot of stress to manage right now and addicts dont do well with high stress loads give yourself a break and get some well needed sleep....Gnarly

[joyagain]

I don't know, but here I am and thought I'd be asleep by now.  I was tired, but started thinking of things and needed to solve them NOW I guess.  It has been like that all my adult life.  I don't know why I wouldn't want to feel good?  But, I know I think that.  I'm too hyper when I feel good, I give a lot  more when I feel good.  I'm so demanding on myself, that if I feel good it just gets worse I think.  Ya know dominosarah, I can't even tell you why clearly.  Maybe when you're always tired you deal with and feel less, i.e. numb?  hummm I wonder.    Thank You for asking.

[dominosarah]

You need to sleep and why wouldnt you want to feel good?

[joyagain]

I do not get enough sleep because for some reason most of the time I torcher myself and stay up until I am miserably exhausted.  It's like I can't just go to bed, that would make me feel too good the next day.  I used to be a 9:00pm go to bed girl in my early 20's.  I wouldn't stay up late or have a beer the night before if I was to teach a 2 hr step class the next day.  If I only taught the beginning step class,  I made sure a ran another 3 miles.  I exercised until I was 13 percent body fat because it made me feel so good. I ran 5 miles every night during the week just to shake off the anxiety during nursing school.  Does anybody get that?  Torchering yourself by staying awake because your afraid of feeling too good?  I haven't felt good in so long (except for when I was taking Norco) because of night shift, babies(although they are the best), etc.  So what is that?  Just go to bed right?  I'm goin to bed soon tonight da@# it! :)  But, my life will return with the night shift work or just eight hour day, then my older kids activities and worries.  Why can't I cope?  No sleep!  It's possible I have to find a less stressful line of work.  Good night all sleep well and Thank You.  What would I have done without you last week?  You good people were all I had.  Literally!!!!

[feohmoon]

Oh - I almost forgot to say congratulations to you on day 9 - that is awesome.

[feohmoon]

I am sorry to hear of all you are still going through -  Perhaps you could try to get some NaturalCalm...it is a powdered blend of calcium and magnesium that helps out with many symptoms associated with withdrawals..but it is great for anxiety.
Please be careful with the klonopin (sp?) because benzos can make you feel depressed.  For some, they do not make them down and out but I have never really taken benzos, but the few times that I have, they have made me very sad...You just do not need anything else that will bring you down.  And, they are dangerous (as you are well aware) - so please just be careful.
You are in my thoughts and prayers - Best of luck to you and your family.
Peace

[DayToTry]

vicki595 said:

"This is a stressful time for you. You may just be getting sick.  Our bodies have a way of breaking down after a detox.  Beef up on the vitamins and minerals. "

Man, you got that right.  I actually had a real easy time  with WD and now on day 17 I've caught a cold and feel worse than I did up to date.  I came home from work and slept  2 hrs, I'm even more achey, and my nose is so sore from blowing  I hate to touch it.  This is worse than my WD was.  I hope the next few days pass quickly.  I know, I know  :)   ... I'm not gonna get a lot of sympathy on here when there are people going thru much worse ... but I feel like crap today.  Ugh.

Glad to see you're still hanging around Joy.  I think you've had a rough way to go on this one. Best of luck to you.