One pill, two pill, white pill, blue pill

[skillet]

Anyone out there have any advice for someone who has recognized that they have a drug addiction problem, started to go to AA, but has relapsed?  I was doing OK in AA and starting to feel better until I picked up again.  I was prescribed some Percocet and Vicodin for a kidney stone a few weeks ago.  It was like opening the doors to the all you can eat buffet for addicts!  I was able to justify my use for the first day or two, but once the pain subsided I consciously chose to continue using.  Since then, I've started mixing the percs and vicodin or switch to Flexeril and Ativan.  I know that mixing these meds together can be dangerous, but am not thinking safety...just euphoria.  I'm so sick and tired of the manipulation, secrecy and compulsion to do whatever it takes to get high.  I want to be straight out truthful with my wife, but can't stand the reality of disappointing her...again.  I just can't get a bunch of days strung together in sobriety.  I feel like such a hypocrite in AA, sitting and listening to other's stories with which I can relate to, but in the back of my mind planning on when I can get high again.  The progression of drug abuse is only going to lead me further and further down a path I don't want to go down.  I want to regain my own self respect and sanity before it is too late, but I feel extremely stuck in this viscious cycle.  If anyone can relate or has some advice, please post.  Thanks.

[AlexisInTx]

We must have been posting at the same time.  I also remember reading your posts from months back and seeing how much you helped others here - I just started to read the board again because I know now is the time, it has to be because I feel like I'm losing myself.  You're so right about posting, I need to have an outlet with people like myself and not just read, but also participate to get input - that's what helped me stay clean for those 4 months last summer.  I was posting a lot more back then and getting a lot of encouragement, I just need to execute a plan right now.  

I hope you're doing well.

[AlexisInTx]

Mystere, I've read your posts and am SO glad that you're doing so well!  I know what you mean about almost losing your marriage.  My husband and I had a HUGE fight the other night because of my pill usage.  He had just about had it with my mood swings, has said that I'm a completely different person from 2 years ago and thinks since we both quit smoking 6 years ago and since I quit drinking 3 years ago I should be able to do quit taking the pills without any problems (this is the hardest thing I've ever done).  He recently had withdrawals from drinking -- he didn't even know what they were, but since he would drink whenever he could, which was every evening after work and on the weekends starting at noon, then he stopped abruptly and had the same symptoms I have when I go through w/d's (cold sweats at night, RLS, flu feeling, etc.) he realized that he shouldn't be drinking anymore (he said that at the time).  We both didn't realize the problems we have -- him with alcohol and me with pills, it just escalates and one day you're left looking at the ruins of what your life has become.  He just started drinking again. :(  I'm learning that I need to focus on my own recovery right now and that I have to own my actions (I watch Dr. Phil too much - yep, it's not workin' for me)

Peaz, LOL Madam Tussaud's, so true.  I remember our chat before and you REALLY helped me.  I also remember thinking what a completely cool job you have.  I think the time has come and have realized through reading here that as long as I keep on trying and never give up, that I'm at least on the right path, even though at the time I may not be making the right decisions.  I think my problem started when I became SO angry with myself for allowing this to happen again.  I basically said, &*CK it, I'll never be free of this so I'm going to keep on taking what is familiar to me.  I need to do a LOT of work within myself - that I know for a fact, because I also realize that after the withdrawal is over and there are no 'little evil friends' left (post-honeymoon phase) that I'll be tempted yet again and I need to seek out others like myself instead of retreating inward as I so often do.  Thanks so much for being there in the past and now, I find your posts so incredibly insightful.

Alexis

[Chezz2]

I too have been here for quite a while and followed your situation from the beginning of your infrequent posting.
Keep posting, it helps keep you strong and lets those feelings come out.
Addiction is a long and arduous process. There are no straight answers, remedies, or easy ways out.
We all find our way, through this forum, our inner strength, or by whatever means works for us.
Just don't give up. You are on the right track.

Finding your way is the key.

Chezz

[mystere]

Good morning my Guaardian Angel--Is this board getting crowded or what?--I think its great that so many people are finding out they are not alone and that there is LIFE after hydro/oxycodoneor whatever drug of choice! Wow 4 months without a cigarette--  That is wonderful! That's my next "beast" that I'm going to silence! I hope you have a wondeful friday Peazy--and I can't say it enough--I would not have made it this far without you--I remember one of your posts in particular that may very well have saved my life!  Take care Hon--It's going to Hot & Humid today in the Big Easy-I'll talk to you tonight! all my love/peace/prayers--Mystere/N.O. Lady

Anne

Rodewk--Please flush those pills and give them the finger as they go swirling down la twalet!  You will feel better! I hope you have a great day off enjoying some of the guilty pleasures (NOT PILLS!) of life. Peace/Prayers Mystere/AKA N.O.Lady

Anne

[peaz]

Alexis---I think I posted to you about the simple joys of getting all loaded up on hydros and then having a day's excursion to the grocery store as if it were Madame Tussaud's.....LOLO   I am NOT glorifying drugs!! Just commenting on how stupid our lives become while we're in the midst of addiction.
   Your head is nearing the "right place" and you will DO this!!   So many people relapse SO MANY times----but they all keep at it and one day success is theirs.  It doesn't MATTER how many times  you need to finally get the narcs out of your life.....just so you eventually DO IT.  Please keep posting and let us know how we can help.  Or just visit w/ us and glean strength from us.  :-)
   Mystere--I posted to you about and you didn't reply (sniff, sniff) so I hope it's just that you didn't see it......You seem to be doing So well,and I am just delighted to read your posts!!  What you have done is HUGE!!!  Keep it up.  I knew you'd like that Trimpey book--it make LOTS of sense.  It really appealed to me, too.  Have a great day and maybe I'll post here tonight.  Love, Di

[mystere]

Please don't beat yourself up about the relapse--It's taken me three times to get it right!--The fact that you are back means that you ARE READY to reclaim your life!--I was no longer feeling the great effects of the hydrocone either--I was taking them pretty much just to prevent withdrawal-I knew it had to end!--I almost lost my husband due to those @#@#ing pills and that's when I knew I was ready!--I could have never made it without the wondeful people on this board--If you are ready to quit this is the place to be--You're in my prayers Alexis  WELCOME BACK! You can come out the other side and I'm living proof!Peace/Mystere/AKA N.O. lady

Anne