Open Forum (Even though they all are)

[mrmichael67]

Good morning all.  It is nice to see things have calmed down a bit.  To all those detoxing, hang in there.  You are fighting the good fight.  Well, you know the drill.  Let 'er rip!

[CharlieBrown]

My name is Charlie Brown and I am a film student in Chicago at Columbia College. We're in preproducton on my first feature film entitled, Gussie's Purple Haze. It's about a spoiled white boy who is an aspiring documentary maker that kidnaps a black girl who is strung out on heroin. He does this with the intentions of getting a powerful story for a film contest. He sweats it out with her and in the midst of withdrawals and deep personal touch, he falls in love with her, something he had not planned on. I'm looking for anyone in the chicago area that would be willing to talk to me about their heroin addiction. Any information would be greatly appreciated. There is no pay for this being that it's a very low budget film. However, I do have high hopes for it. In short, what I'm asking is for someone who has had this life experienc to help me portray this character with as much validity as we can. My email address is ***@****

You can see my resume at:

http://www.upressplay.com/ucrew/charliebrown/

[lavender blue]

I'm curious to know if there is anybody out there with experience in pot addiction....my partner has been blitzed out of his skull for 3 years without ONE day clean, and this guy can suck back BC bud at 12 joints a day. ALL intimacy in the relationship is at end, and he has regressed to about aged 20 in terms of responsibility level (an immature 20)
I'm detoxing from a heavy alcohol habit---day 4 now---he was joining me but only made it 3 days. He's a recovering alcoholic, clean several years, but he gets addicted to everything.
Any idea how he might handle this, or how I might help? I won't be finished my own detox for 4 more days, its hard to be strong for two! (and I know the detox is only the beginning, ah, the beauty of a swirl of brandy held up to the candlelight..except I was drinking it literally by the tumblerful, a quart a day, no romance there!!!fantasy, fantasy!!!!!)
blessings and good luck to all.

[DIRTBAG]

Thank you for sharing, You have moved me, I have not lived through any sort of hell like you, I lift you up for all the courage you have. I only use alone and I have eveything, I want for nothing but I am still so empty inside, I would love to help others and it must be such a blessing for you to be in that position but man the guilt for the pills. ouch! What is the romance with these stupid things compared to street dope its nothing. Have you ever wondered if we took placebos we would feel the same. There is something about just swallowing a pill for me that makes it a better day.  I know you missing out on a lot of you childrens life right now but in the end they are coming back to you and they will love and respect you and nobody anywhere can replace our mothers. When they learn about all the obstacles you have over come they will stand by you forever and believe me they would rather be with you using or not. Kids love us undconditionaly and they are coming back to you and their hearts are with you now each and every day.  I love your story mrstracy peagravel

[mrrstracy]

I have to admit, it's pretty hard to go on everyday. I think about them all the time. Jacob is 7 and Rachel is 6. They're beautiful. I've contacted his mother and the police but nothing can be done until I find them. Actually I think his leaving me had alot to do with money. After I got caught taking the morphine my husband said if I put myself in treatment that everything would be ok. Well after I got out 2 weeks later he was gone. His mother had alot of money and I know she's funding him now. I did start smoking pot at lunch time in high school. I would sneak out with a girl friend of mine, really the only friend I had because everyone would make fun of me because my dad is a preacher and I could only wear dresses, no make-up, no movies, etc. I left home at 15 and got involved with cocaine. I ended up dancing in a bar at 16. That's when things got really bad. Cocaine everyday, crank, a fith of Bacardi 151 everday and abuse by a perverted jerk who thought it was cool to sell me to his friends. After 9 years of pure hell, I found the courage to finally get out. I went to Texas where my mom and dad lived and decided I couldn't do it on my own, so I turned my life over to God. The one thing that still held on was the pills though. It seemed as though I couldn't live with the pain of my past without them. To tell you he truth it's still a struggle. I came back to Cincinnati, and met a wonderful man who is now my husband. He's an ex crack addict/alcoholic. We started at a new church and got involved in ministry work. I started volunteering at a home for women who came off the streets and drugs. I found my heart there! I knew this was the place for me because I had been through all they had and knew what they were going through. I still needed my pills though. My husband started getting suspicious of all the pills I was going through and told me about it. I agreed with him and told him I would quit. We ended up buying the ministry for women and they made me the administrator because of my testimony. I went on the radio, cable TV and speaking engagements giving my testimony. The whole time I still needed my pills though. I decided to quit and here I am! Sorry this post is so long, I don't mean to tell my whole story, but if it helps even 1 person, I'm glad I did.
You all encourage me so much by talking to you. Please keep writing!

Tracy

[DIRTBAG]

Okay already mrstracy (smile) I just got back form a 4.5 mile hike with a couple of girlfriends. I always feel better after that I go most every day and take 4-5 pills before I go. they don't know anything about it. My pills give me strength in a weird way.  I have been using for so long I almost feel like they are vitamins.  I am not in the gutter per say because all my responsibilities are always met. I manage a nice home have 3 kids volunteer in my community got to church run a small corportation 15 employees and I have am married all this is going on everyday but I am an addict and I pay my cleaning lady and her family to get me pills and its a secret and to tell the truth for help would shatter the world for many. I tried it once and my husband and his family turned their back on me they were to ashamed to help me get help so I just lied said I was better and kept using that was over 2 years ago.  Now I hope to get clean on my own with the help of this forum believe me when I say I never I thought I was alone, so alone, I hope this answers a little bit of you question too Nena 65. I'm fragile because when I start to be honest with  myself and tell the truth like I just did to others, I have never told this part of my story before I don't want to be let down later by some hacker that thinks its funny to tease me or make light of things like I just shared, That felt really good to get that out, like I said I'm looking good on the outside but in the inside I'm finding out I am a dirtbag and I want to change and my time is coming. peagravel thanks for listening

[mrrstracy]

Hey, You're late!! (BIG GRIN)It's good to see you opening up. it feels good to get it off your chest doesn't it! I know what you mean by being a "functional" addict. I kept it from everyone for years. I only got caught when I started stealing my mother-n-laws morphine pills. She went to my husband and convinced him to take my 6&7 year old and leave me. Needless to say, I haven't seen them in 2 years and have no idea where they are. I've tries all the courts, but no one will touch the case because he's the biological dad. After that I would go clean old peoples houses cause I knew they had drugs. I always seemed "normal" if I had pills, but after I took my last one,I would be mentally withdrawing trying to decide which hospital I haven't been to in a few weeks so they wouldn't recognize me. I think I ran out of body parts to complain about. I mean they can only take so many parts out of you right?? LOL. Hey, just remember that were ALWAYS here for you. I had a pretty rough afternoon and just laid on my couch and prayed. It really helps me to know I don't have to go through this alone. And about praying for pills! I've done that too so don't feel like you're crazy.

Group Hug,
Tracy

[hippy]

i started going to na meeting at the age of 16 was in and out of the program for 8 years by the tim i was 24 i was married and divorced twice, at that point i surrendered to the fact that i need to stop useing , so i got clean in na and stayed clean for 16 years, got both of my kids and rasied them married a girl from na , we have been married for 13 years.
i wound up taking mes in 99 fo valid pain, then about a year later i started to abuse them do to 3 close deaths in the famly.
i got clean agian this past march with the help of this fourm.
i did not know much about opiates, never used them back when i did a lot of drugs , my main drugs were speed and qualudes
and barbs.
so now im 42 and got 7 months and my daughter is married
with a 5 yera old my som just started sarycuse this year.
we just bought a new dream house. in the burbs outsde
philly.
and yes ther are gay people in the picture , my wife has 4 close freind who are gay,  i get along fine with them.
they say that is due to  me being secure with my own sexuality.

i have a cousin who is gay  also she is a doctor,
my grandmother is 97 and a retired doctor, she has out lived her money. she is in a retirement home in nj.
my knephew graduated fom mit 4.0 then harvard 4.0
hes a microbioolgest looking for a cure for aids.
my sister in law is a dr. out in oaklahoma,
i visited her there , what a dead town, saw the place where thry blew up the fed building.
we all love to get together during the holidays and play scrabble, i always win, must be the addict in me.
my so is doing good at school, just got his mid terms all a's.

peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DIRTBAG]

WOW what a group you are hanging out with, you must be one of the most tolerant men on the planet, that is an incredible list of beliefs to come from one family, I think its fantastic, please don't take this wrong but it sounds like with all these characters in your life someone must be gay too!  I love color and different people and I have never believed that blood made a family, people make up families and I think thats what the forum  is kinda, a family of lonely junkies trying to find where they fit in. I'm digging it peagravel.  how long have you been clean? Is that an okay question and how nice to have your wife stand beside you. Was she ever a user? Bye Bye

[hippy]

thanks jess, you know i could check my spelling and grammer,
bt i fasion myself after willaim blake, he spelled things anyway he wanted. but really im just lazy when it comes to spelling and grammer. for someone who reads a book a week for the last 30 years you would think i would do better. it the point that really matters.

pea gravel, my wife is the only one who know the truth about me.
as far as the pills went.
and the people he at the fourm.as far as religion goe's
my father was a monk under thomas merton for 3 years back in the 50;s he is very religious, he is sober 37 years in aa and has
prayer meetings at his house every week, and other s at various
aa member s homes.
i married a jewish girl and she is messianic. jews for jesus.
me i am  a roman catholic and will stay one, i find in my heart that it honers my father.
tho my mother is a quaker and lives with me and my wife
for the past 6 years. my son is a easter orthodox catholic,
because the roman church would not recognize my marrage.
my daughter from my 1st marrage is a lutheran , because that is
what her mother was.
my sister is married to a moslem and has 6 children, they are being raised  catholic.
i have found a lot of people seperate from other because of
religion. also my religion did not stop me from becomeing an addict. most of the guys i grew up with were all alter boys and
turned out to be some really bad eggs. jails, and such.
i have alway found the reason i used drugs  was because of the emotional pains in my life, i used drugs to escape life.
today im trying to face it and live up to my resposnabiltys.
im a good father and husband,
you know growing up i went to the church of don't.
don't do this. don't do that . they never told me what to do.
but i have found prayer to be helpful in my life these days,
god knows we need all the help we can get.

[DIRTBAG]

Thats what I love about the forum, people understand the secret and how functional so many of us truly are. I pride myself on that and I also say sometimes why do i need to quit its only hurting me and I still taking care of everybody else so **** it keep going cause its the only thing I have thats really mine. I wonder what its like to really live with me? I'm sure my thoughts are distorted sometimes, sometimes I feel guilty for my secret but sometimes I don't? I 'm so happy your clean,does your family, friends and business associates think your different now? Did you ever fess up or just quit on the sly? I believe in Jesus Christ also but it takes more than prayer to get through this for me.  Sometimes I actually think that God provides a way for me to score so that I can keep going. Does that sound crazy or what but I never get caught or in trouble and I'm sure he forgives me and knows I'm human and struggling in this world just waiting for glory in the next. What do you think? Peace peagravel

[GOD]

No problem with the spelling.... That's how we can tell it's the REAL hippy (hipee now).

I only bug the professional writers here about their grammar.

(Please don't get mad Groovy... You know I respect your intelligence!)

Everyone have a good day....

~~~~Jess~~~~
    NM156

[hippy]

hey there , i can relate to ya,
i have a famly and have always had a lot of responsabilty
, running  big industrial union jobs, sending my  son to collage.
being an husband, running a  painting co. on the side, with my
father working for me along with a few freinds from na.
i was clean for 16 years  then i had to take meds for pain
then when they took me off them , i was still in pain and got one of my union apprentices to get me vikes, and i was living
my secret life, untill i found this fourm and the good people here, skip, groovy, mr. micheael, irish rose, jess, gwh,
and evryone else. thomas's receipe has been a god send since i started taking it back in march 02.
im back to living, and smiling, and feeling feelings such as
joy and happiness.
we all just have to keep moving in the right direction
no matter what happens. just keep doing the right thing.
and i have found prayer to br very helpful.
tho i don't like to mention religion here on the fourm.
it has a tendency to scare people off, and seperate.
i rather liek to consintrate on spiritualty
such as honesty, openmindedness, willingness, humilty,
unity, faith,commitment.
it's all about growing up.
my  own imuturety and irresponsabilty have allway been
thorns in my side and i have to keep an eye on them everyday.

sorry for the bad spelling,  peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DIRTBAG]

He took your kids over some morphine pills and youdon't know where they are? Thats crazy, I bet you miss them like crazy. You must be an incredible woman to find the courage to get yourself better after that. **** I think I would use it as a excuse to go down hill.  Now you also reach out to others, what a life change.  Did you start all this smoking pot in jr high, I did.  I hate my in-laws too, I was using crank a couple of years ago and I got really spun used for 5 months straight and I told on myself and my husband and his family freaked they were so ashamed, his sister and her family won't visit us to this day, my 3 kids supported me they are 15 16 and 20 but they all think I'm still clean and I of the crank just taking the ever popular white right and uptight pills. Do you get what I'm saying, if they are from a doctor they must be okay. Right?  Republican Drugs.. Love peagravel

[Shiny]

I have been a member (mostly just lurking) for over 2 years.  Please e-mail me at ***@**** about your post of Oct. 26th.  Thanks
Joan

[groovygirl]

I like what you had to say...very honest. I can definitely relate to what you said about wondering where you next script is going to come from, running out, etc.  What a major waste of time...I never realized how much time I spent trying to get more meds.  It's the extra time I have on my hands that is the problem now.  I seemed to be able to find the time to be destructive, but I can't find the time to be good to myself...doesn't say much does it?

[nena65]

The whole time I have used Hydro's, I always thought, "Okay, this is going on and that is going on, so a pill makes me actually feel good for a few hours a day, so f#$%%^ what?  Why is that such a problem?"  But you already know, because you said "I know what I have to do."  Now, keep in mind that I am just now in my tapering stage, so I may not be one to talk, but you know what I look forward to?  This is what is keeping me going....I look forward to getting up and not thinking about whether I have the pills, how many do I have, when am I going to run out, what will I do then?  I look forward to being myself, whether that is good or bad, I look forward to working out again (haven't done that since I started using these over a year ago).  Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that even though things are rough right now, things are always going to be rough.  Try to look forward to the GOOD parts of being clean, not the scary parts......Take care....Like you said, you know what you have to do and so do I, let's just not give ourselves any other option right now.....

[mrrstracy]

Hey all! Has anyone heard from CinCee, I haven't heard from her in a while and wondered if she is allright. Please let her know she's missed.

Dirtbag, you've got 2 more minutes!!! I'm not kidding now, don't make me come in there!!

[mrrstracy]

Now don't you dare leave me here alone!! lol!!  You know that I love talking to you. I also bare my soul here, I'm sure you've read my posts. Just because some people don't respond to our posts doesn't mean they don't care. They could be going through some pretty crappy things themselves and need us to encourage them. Please don't let anything discourage you from sharing your feelings. This is what keeps us strong and helps others. I am ALWAYS here for you! Remember that you are a very important part of this forum and alot of things you have to share can help someone that needs you. It's in sharing our experiences that we also find our strength. Now, I want to here from you in the next 5 minutes or I'm gonna knock the dirt out of your bag!!(lol)

Group Hug!!!!
Tracy

[lisabet]

Good morning!!! And thanks so much for the info on the ankle fusion. It makes a lot of sense if one part of your body is "frozen" it would cause more stress on other parts of the body. I don't have much mobility in the ankle, but what little I have is better than nothing, I guess.  I would only opt for the fusion if I were in so much pain I couldn't stand it; right now my only problem is achiness or soreness with a pain level of moderate....I'll live with that!  By your name (BM)I take it you're a chiropractor???  Went to one here several years ago; he helped relieve a chronic neck and shoulder problem with about 20 treatments---haven't had any problems since!  Have a good one, hear?  Lisabet  :)

[mrmichael67]

I noticed you haven't yet, but do e-mail me at ***@****.  I can help you and I know a good place that you would really like.  Ask most here, I am legit.

[Bodymechanic]

I have known at least 8 people who have had an ankle fusion.  They all came to me for back, hip or knee pain,  This was in almost every case 6 years after having an ankle fused. Immoblizing the ankle or any body part comes with a serious problem.  The joints of your body are designed to distribute the shock of walking in a very specific way. When one body part is immobilized then abnormal forces are transmitted to the next higher level in the body in this case the knee.  This means that if you have one body part frozen it is just a matter of time till you start having big problems some place else.  Make sure you weigh the pros and cons before having this irreversable proceedure done. There are many other things that need to be tried before you have this done.

Bodymechanic

[Bodymechanic]

We are not being monitored by the police, FDA or anyone else.  And there is no hacker, just a few people who like to screw with other people when they are high.  

Getting drugs online is way too easy.  There are many doctors and pharmacies that will be more than happy to sell you just about any drug you want. That is, at 3 times the going rate.  A pharmacy in Florida keeps sending me hydros that I do not want and do not need.  They have my credit card number and they are impossible to contact by phone or email.  I have tried at least 3 times to get them to stop sending this stuff. Just yesterday the Fed Ex truck pulled up with another 100 norcos.  They is always come from a different pharmacy. The refill number always stays at 1 refill. I must be getting better because there was a time when I would have thought this was the greatest thing in the world. I will probably end up cancelling my credit card and getting a new number. Getting drugs online is way too easy.  Stay far away from that or you will be a kid with diabeties in a candy store.


Peace

Enough of the paranoia and back to business


Peace

[AlexisInTx]

Hi all.  I've been addicted (off and on) to hydrocodone, and am now contemplating going back on benzos.  Escapism, I guess.  Rationally, I know what I need to be doing.  But with circumstances going on in my life right now, I feel as if I need to have something to help me through it.  I feel as if I really can't stand to not be numb at times.  

I know that we can't just stop one destructive behavior without finding a more constructive alternative.  Logically, I know what I need to do, but doing it is so damn hard, it doesn't even seem like it's an option sometimes.  I've been taking hydro for the last year and a half or so, and I get my prescription, use it all up after 2 weeks (it's supposed to last the month) and then find another companion opiate to sub for those two weeks to stay out of withdrawal.  

There is a lot of pain that I'm sure many of us have and are trying to stuff down.  I'm more scared of coming off of them than I am of staying on them.  Having really bad personal homelife problems and this is just a crutch I'm using to allow me to keep sane.  I know these are only excuses, but that's the reality of it.

I'm going to try to develop the mindset that I need to do this for ME.  I'll continue to read everyone's stories and try to gain the strength I need to come to the realization that I have no other options other than to quit.

[lisabet]

Oh...one more person I want to name so you can be sure to read his posts....Thomas02 - It's his "famous" recipe that can be found throughout this forum that has really made all the difference in my tapering, and I've only been taking it for 5 days.  I feel a lot calmer and in control just in the past couple of days, and I think it has to do with this vitamin/amino-acid "cocktail".