Opiate Addiction & Anxiety Help

[BiancaJade87]

I am a single mother of 3 children under the age of 6 and I work in sales so I  am under a lot of stress on a daily basis. I have a lot of anxiety and am constantly worried about my health, even though I'm of a healthy weight, don't smoke- etc. I've been using hydrocodones off and on for more than 5 years including when I was pregnant. I have never been on a high dose- maybe 20 mg -30mg total but haven't been able to quit them long term because they seem to help to relax me  and help me to deal with having to handle everything by myself. I don't have health insurance so I've been buying these pills off the street. I always had more of a mental addiction than a physical one because I used the pills sporadically, not daily.Recently, I haven't been able to find any norcos and have recently had to switch to oxycodone and am afraid I've developed an addiction. I feel very sick when I don't take them and my anxiety increases ten fold. I feel very stuck.. I have a lot of guilt and shame for having this problem and I wish I could talk to a doctor who could help me to deal with my anxiety but I can't afford it. I really do want to stop and be free of these horrible pills and I want to just be a happy healthy mommy for my kids. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[VICourageous]

Good Going!!! Time & Patience my friend..You are off to a good start..Just thought I would throw in some Support..Yippee!!!!
Bless

[jleeflcntrygrl]

Awesome! You can do this!

[iwantmylifebacknow]

So proud of you! I'm choosing happy too girl! Congrats on day 5! Keep enjoying those moments with your babies! They grow up so darn quick!

[BiancaJade87]

Sorry I took a bit to post, been very busy w/ the kids & work. I'm doing much better today, really don't feel bad at all! Tomorrow will be day 5 and I'm feeling stronger & stronger. My energy is a little low but that's to be expected. Getting out of work after a long day is difficult without having that pill in the car to give me energy right before I have to handle my "second job" of picking up kids, making dinner, getting them bathed, teeth brushed, next days clothes picked out, & bedtime..and then the next day I go to work and start over again!  But you know what? Like Defco said, it's nice to just be with my babies clean and sober and not see them through a fake lens. It's hard but I realized a lot of my problem was that I used because I felt guilt and shame about the past and I wanted to hide uncomfortable emotions..  But in hiding uncomfortable emotions you hide real joy, peace, & happiness that no drug could ever manufacture.  Happiness, I realized- is a choice. We can choose to keep ourselves stuck in the past and not moving forward by continuing to use or we can choose to be happy & have a purpose.  I'm done being stuck in addiction- it's no way to live! One day at a time, but today I'm choosing to be happy.

[lulu747]

I had nightmares like that too when I quit (when I actually slept that is which was rare)
How are you doing now?  What are your symptoms?  Are you managing to work?  Also Honey, I really think you should go to a meeting of some variety.  NA, Smart recovery, etc.  Look up the options in your area.  No one does this alone and no one should have to.  Just think about how wonderful it will be when your family is all back together again with two clean parents.  It will be amazing.  You have so much to look forward to.
Sending you lots of love and support.
I'm here if you need me...
Lu

[Defco]

So glad your posting! Congrats on fighting the devil off your back. It's not easy but every second that goes by is an accomplishment

My work is high stress as well. I had to take it slow the first few days. People thought I was recovering from a stomach flu. I wasn't my normal functioning self but id rather have a few days if that then my life slowly stolen.

Having children makes this process hard but my new relationship with my kids are better because I'm present now. I'm not living life with them through a fake lens. What would I really be teaching them if I kept that lens. Iwantmylifebacknow, so proud of your commitment too. Everyday I'm sober my kids become the real source of my smile. We gotta keep pushing for our kids.

Btw I actually blocked the number of my connections bc if I deleted they could still text me and I would recieve it with a random number. But blocking made sure i didn't even get text. Point is we all know we have addict minds so we know what we really need to do to put the right systems in place.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! I wrote a note on my computer. "One day at a time". Everyday you're sober is a step away from that devil. Thomas recipe, and a lot of warm baths helped a lot (still do). Our minds are powerful with the right perspective. I'll pray for you and Iwantmylifebacknow that we continue to have the right perspective at all times! Keep posting! I find inspiration in your fight!

[BiancaJade87]

Morning of day 3.. Nightmares all night- almost felt I like I was being attacked in my dreams. Woke up three times and each time I fell back to sleep it was all horrific images..scary but I'm happy that I'm on day 3, low on energy and sneezing a lot but really not that bad.. Like Lu said it's all going to be a mental game from this point on.. Whenever I try to stop my mind comes up with  every rationalization in the book to use..each time I say no and every clean day I have makes me more confident that I can do this.. Thanks for all the support..

[Sonrissa]

Hi Bianca, hang in there.  Everything you are feeling is normal. You can get through this. I agree with the above, your gonna have to cut your sources, permanently.  You surely will be tested. Keep focused on your goal. Take things if, and as they come.  Keep posting as much as you want.  We are all pulling for you, and we understand exactly how you feel.

Stay strong.  Wishing you the best!

[keith600]

If you are dependent on opiates (not addicted but dependent) then maybe its possible to stay away from opiates but have a drink or a joint at company parties etc. but if you feel that your truly an addict then drinking or using any mind altering substance can/will be a gateway to your doc. Even when an addict has clean time your mind will tell you its ok to use so you can imagine what its telling you when your under the influence. Making recovery the # 1 priority in your life is really saying that my children, husband, job, whatever is your priority but it all starts with recovery. You cant be a good mom, wife, or employee if your not a good you.

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Hi
I read your story and I too am a mom. My daughter is 14 and has no idea the suffering I am in. She thinks I have a bad virus. Not a total lie because I am sick. I took anywhere from 4-6 hydros a day for years now. I had it under control in the beginning years taking one a day or every other day. **** I used to hand them out to friends who needed one. But as was mentioned above, my addict brain woke up. Recently I withdrew from everyone and lost interest in all the things I loved to do. I cant live unhappy anymore and I have so much to live for as do you! I am on day 4 and this isnt easy but it is doable. I am up and around and trying to keep busy. Missed 2 days of work but I am going tomorrow. You got this girl! I can relate so much to you! I am a single mom with only one kid but her dad is a piece of **** and has been absent! Work 10 hours of day and caring for a kid and household on your own is rough! Opiates used to give me the energy but trust in me they stopped working and I made the decision to stop chasing. No hook ups for my on the street mine came from my dr because I have spine issues. He knows I have a problem now and my refill was cancelled. I told on myself and it was the best thing I ever did! I am here for you! Keep it up!

[jerry4664]

delete the contact then if the number comes up for all you know its a possible sales contact , But if the text states" I have something" well  you just have to say NO as dumb as that sounds just think what it will be like at home when your guy gets home clean and you are still hunting pills not a good combo.. You are in day 2 and you can make day 3 then 5 then 7 then 10 and so one YOU can do it just get through today.... PILL FREE

[lulu747]

hey Bianca-

Glad to see you posting!  And congrats on day 2!  Yes you are going to have to delete those numbers and maybe even change your number because you will be tested again and again and you need to set your self up for success.  The next 48-72 hrs will be the hardest physically, but because your dose wasn't that high, this is mainly going to be a mental game for you.  I would highly suggest getting yourself some support in the form of after care so you are accountable, have real life peeps to talk to, and can reach out when temptation arises.  Stay hydrated, be gentle with yourself, and remain focused on the end game.
Rooting for you...
Lu

[BiancaJade87]

Day 2 of detox.. Day 1 was fine, felt a little irritable but not sick.. Then I woke this morning at 4am in a cold sweat and my whole body hurt and I couldn't go back to sleep. Drank Gatorade and water but haven't had much of an appetite. Went to work today and felt a lot of anxiety coming into the office, almost like my vision was blurry but I tried to ignore it. Low & behold got a text message saying  "got a few white ones for you".. So ironic because this guy has been out of hydrocodone for months and the day I stop he magically has them when I feel sick ! It's almost like "the devil" really is working behind the scenes to  keep me unhappy and stuck in addiction! But I'm done.. I like being sober, I want to be me again. Defco, I appreciate you telling me that you are a mother of 2 young kids, that made me feel better about my situation- that you were able to get through everything even with so much on your plate. Lulu and everyone else who has commented on this thread- thanks so much for your support- it really really helps !

[jleeflcntrygrl]

U got sum really good advise here! Lu and the others know what they are talkin about and have been my saving grace. They are awesome cheerleaders. They only other thing I would say is post often and if u can keep a notebook(journal) with u and write all your emotions and symtoms u are havin everyday. It helps to get your feelings out. Also when u feel better u may wanna join NA for sum aftercare. When u stop using that takes care of the physical but couseling or NA takes care of the emotional rollercoaster u will be on even after detox. My thoughts and prayers are with u!

[lulu747]

Bianca I'm proud of you.  Follow through.  The most amazing part of getting clean and staying clean is the confidence it gives you.  If you can do this, you can do anything.  Stay focused and please get yourself into some aftercare.  With strong support and a good sponsor, the loneliness will recede.You will enjoy your children more,you will be more present in your life.  You will discover things about yourself that you didn't know were there.  You have more strength and love within yourself than you know.  I am here to support you.
Lu

[Defco]

Hey Bianca I've been clean for 17 days off hydros, I have 2 kids, both under 3 yrs old so they always require my attention. The first 3-5 days were hard but I swear it gets better everyday. I still get ups and downs, so I have to remind myself that I'm an addict and everyday is one day I add to my days of sobriety. It helps me put things in perspective

I've followed the Thomas recipe which helped A lot! And I take a lot of hot baths for my legs.

I wish you the best.  this forum has saved me when I was alone. Stay strong and keep posting.

[BiancaJade87]

You guys were right.. Boat party was a bad idea, very hung over today and feel horrible and extremely exhausted. Considering calling in to work tomorrow so I can rest and recover because I know I have a long road ahead. Took half a Roxy this morning and another half a few hours ago. Went and took the kids to see their dad in rehab and he said he could tell I drank last night and that it hurt to see me struggling and that it made him want to leave to help, but I told him it was imperative for all of us that he completes his treatment. Our youngest son just learned how to walk at 9 months and my husband was very sad that he missed his first steps.. But recovery has to be number 1 for both of us. I know together we can only have a successful marriage if we are both healthy, clean and sober.  Out of pills and not buying anymore.  I'm tired of living like this, I'm ready to be free and happy, and I know the kids deserve the absolute best I can give. I'm going to concentrate on eating as healthy as possible, lots of water, no caffeine, and light exercise. I realized that none of this is going to work unless I cut off all connections, as many of you have stated, and find a replacement for my times of loneliness and sadness that  opiates so readily seemed to fill. I'm thankful for this post because I feel like I can be open and honest with you guys and you won't judge me because you've all been there. It's also good because I know I will be tempted in the future and this is good place to write about how you're feeling before you actually relapse.

[BiancaJade87]

I'm going to be starting Monday, I've been through withdrawal before.. It's the worst feeling. The main thing I'm concerned about is having increased anxiety at work. I'm prone to panic attacks and really don't want to feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin while I'm trying to sell a customer. But I know detox is the only way, I wish I could do a 30 day so I could get counseling and a safe medical detox but unfortunately that's not my situation. All of this support is truly helpful and I appreciate all of you ! I will post again soon.

[jerry4664]

been I your spot so I know the deal , didnt have kids at the time but had the Co. pressure the only way to get clean is to get clean so put a plan together and put it into action and if Monday is the day to start let us know whats up or if you are going to start now go for it but sounds like your not sure?? let me tell you if you dont go into this 100% it wont work you will only feel like $%^& for 24hrs then back on the pills and that just makes it harder the next time. So like I said make a plan get a start date get some supplies whatever food you need some Vitamins and some gatorade etc and get started. Best wishes PILL FREE

[lulu747]

Always.  For now, just keep giving that little girl inside of you a hug.  And get your kids to hug her too.  Be prepared for a lot of emotions that you have been numbing with opiates to come rushing back.  This is normal.  It's time to start feeling again and living life on life's terms.  It's hard, scary, lonely- but it is also beautiful and magical and full of possibility.  I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.  When i lived on opiates I was not living, merely surviving.  I want you to be able to live, and thrive...And you will.  Believe in yourself.  I believe in you.
Cyber hugs baby, cyber hugs.
Lu

[BiancaJade87]

Lu, that really puts things into perspective for me. Sobriety really is an amazing accomplishment- reading that made me realize how strong minded you have to learn to become to beat an addiction.. And to keep the addiction at bay. I realized I'm still just a scared little girl inside wishing I had someone to hug and comfort me and my mind is very weak right now.. I know it's going to be a long hard road and I'm going to have to just keep pressing on for my kids because they deserve the best. And that there is only good things that will come with completely eradicating substances from my life. Sometimes my mind has a way of making me believe the opposite, but I know that the sober me is the real me and the best me I can be.

[lulu747]

Honey I totally understand where you are coming from- and ultimately the choice is yours.  I will explain my personal experience and take on this because ULTIMATELY that's all I can offer.
The reason we caution about drinking, both during detox and after is because it REALLY messes with you.  It also lowers your inhibitions and makes it more reasonable for you to justify taking more pills.  Alcohol and pills are a dangerous combo, I'm sure you are aware of this.  Personally, I never drank when I was on pills.  And when I got clean, I was so terrified because it wasn't till I was clean that I realized I was an addict- that I stayed away from ALL mind altering substances for over a year.  I slowly realized that I was able to enjoy a glass of wine now and then without abusing it...But this was after many clean days under my belt, a lot of aftercare, therapy, and support group meetings.  Still to this day I question EVERY time I put a substance in my body.  "Why am I doing this?  Do I need this glass of wine?  Am I using it to numb out some emotion that I should be dealing with?"  I never drink if I am angry, sad, or lonely.  It is purely something I enjoy with food and I NEVER get drunk.  Since I got clean I detest feeling altered in any way.  I want to be clear.  I need to be clear.
The other reason we are cautioning you about alcohol is because we don't want you replacing one addiction with another.  It happens.  A lot.  You should probably avoid ALL mind altering substances until you've done some serious recovery work.
For me, the choice to get off the pills was easy.  I knew I was going to die.  I felt like I was dying.  I WANTED to die.  The only way to stop this was to get clean.  It was the best choice I ever made.

Now, I can relate your pill addiction to my cigarette addiction.  I could rationalize until the cows came home reasons to wait another day, until my period was over, my next show was wrapped, until I had a couple more days off to be miserable and feel sorry for myself.  I realized through my recovery group that these were just bs excuses.  Yeah my addiction wasn't really killing me, or hurting my life in any real way, I wasn't a heavy smoker, etc.  However, I am an addict.  And someday if I continued, my addiction would get worse, and eventually kill me.  So I stopped putting it off and I just stopped.
It was way harder than the pills, and I've had one relapse.  I just got back on the horse.
So this is a bit long winded but MY POINT is:  You have to want to be clean way more than you want to be shackled to the pills.  You have to make it a number one priority.
It's totally up to you, and we are here to support you with love and our collective wisdom.  Without judgement, and with great compassion.  Because we've ALL been there.  And we just want the best for you.
Lu

[BiancaJade87]

Honestly I thought your responses seemed a little harsh initially , like I don't have a problem with alcohol, it's opiates- so what's the big deal? But it's still an mind altering substance and is  detrimental to recovery and I understand where you guys are coming from.   Just seems hard to say no and seem like ill be the odd one out.. Not gonna lie. Plus being on a boat for six hours in the middle of a lake actually seems really boring being sober- also gonna lie! When I started this forum I completely forgot about the boat party and was reminded in a meeting today. I just thought it would be more logical to stop after the event because I will be miserable being sick, sweating, probably having diarrhea and consistent runs to the bathroom, muscle aches, chills etc at this party with all of my supervisors and coworkers. I hope you guys understand where I'm coming from- even if it does seem like an excuse.

[vicki595]

Hey there- I want to throw some support your way and wish you the best. I hope you understand how our addiction makes our judgment fuzzy...and know that events will happen all the time and at some point you'll have to go...like this time. Then what will you do?  

It will be a great test of your motivation to stop abusing substances. You need to start somewhere and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're drinking soda...right?   If you were taking antibiotics you wouldn't drink (or shouldn't) so that can be your excuse.

I'm saying this because that's what we do here and it's what the forum is all about. We give you a way out and an ear to listen all about it...
All the best!