Aa
Oxycontin
Hello everybody...I just wanted to put a quick question out there. As many of you already know I quit using Oxycontin Friday March 9th. Life has become much different during these past few weeks. I find myself sad and depressed one minute and on top of the world the next. I have been going to NA meetings on and off. I really havent had a good experience with the program. I call my sponcer and he doesn't return my calls. That hurts because I thought that NA was there to provide unconditional support. I get temted to use on a daily basis. The good thing is that I have a choice. I am not dope sick anymore and for that I am forever greatful! My question is this.........Many of us have been using for a very long time. We have to look at life in a whole new way. They say take one day at a time. I understand that but how do keep from falling back to our regular ways? You see when we stop using our minds tell us that we need to get our lives back on track. Get a job, do things around the house, reconnect with friends and family ect., ect. The point is thatI find myself really pissed off at the fact that I have wasted so many years just spinning my wheels. I have no direction and would really like some guidance. Any words of encouragement would greatly be appreciated. I know there are many of people out there just like me. Quiting using was the easy part....Now is when I need help. I just need a glimmer of hope! I belive that it takes tremondous support to change a persons life. My whole exsistance has been centered around drug use. How do you change a person like that? I look at every situation like how much better it would be to be high. I hope this make sence to some of you. I am really in need of help right now. I look forward to chatting with you guys. Maybe we could start up some more direct support system for ourselves. This board has helped many, many people. I think it is good to post our feelings because I think that alot of people can relate. My prayers go out to each and every one of you! Thank you in advance for your continued support! Chad
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have been down all weekend. I know I'm expecting miracles right now. The first month was not so bad, I stayed busy enough, but we are going into the 2nd month now, no word from him. I feel so bad for my little boys, he has not called them, he said he would the other day, but he has not. I know my children feel abandoned. I also know during the last 2 years at the worst of his addiction, I was always telling my kids, not now mommy's busy, go to your room, leave us alone, we need to talk, no I can't take you there, he' sick. How and why I did this to my kids, not being there for them, being so absorbed with my partner and his addiction, my kids were ignored. I'm trying to make it up to them, they miss him, but do not want him back in the house. I didn't realize what they heard, and that they had an idea of what was going on. They hated the way he talked to me and treated me. Then he left, saying he nolonger could be with us, and that he didn't love me anymore, I had become too. difficult to live with. This has been the hardest 2 years of my life, watching someone you love who was so young, vital and full of life, become depressed, tired, sick, and his eyes have no life. I know I need to get on with my life and get over this. He's made no attempt to get the rest of his things, since momma's taking care of him. My insurance agent called me today to tell me he had come in to change his insurance, she wanted to know if he was sick or something, because he seemed so worn out and tired, she said he acted like a zombie. I thought methadone would make him appear normal? But from what I'm hearing, he looks and acts the same as he did on the oxy's. Can you take too much methadone? I know he was taking at one point 60 to 100mg aday. He was only supposed to start at 30mg and wean down, but his Dr. just gives him more. If I understand correctly, Methadone is also addicting. Will there come a time that he will start getting sick again, like if he runs out early? I have a great sponser in Al-anon and I'm attending my meetings, but I still feel that emptiness, I haven't made it through the first step. Sorry, I hope I didn't sound to pathetic, I just want to get some normalcy in my life back, but I can't remember when this vicious cycle started. Please any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated....more than you know....love Susanlea
Thanks for your reply. . .didn't realize that your mom was in jail for the same problem that we have. Yes, my father introduced me to drugs, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do for him now since he died on March 27, 1992. The period surrounding his death was one of the periods of my heaviest use (as was December of 1998 when I learned of my mom's diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease). My dad basically died in the hospital on March 3, but was resuscitated three times only to live out his final 24 days on a ventilator (which breathed for him since he was no longer even capable of that). This is without a doubt the worst experience of my life, with or without drugs.
I can't say for sure what really was the bottom for me as far as why I decided to quit when I did this time. I had had shoulder surgery in November 2000 and was on vicodin for the pain since then when, on January 10 of this year, my doctor refused to refill my scrip. At this point I no doubt could have used one of my other sources to get more junk, but something inside me just said "enough". It's funny, I remember saying to God, Satan, or whomever on the way to my appointment that morning, "Whoever is more powerful, give me what I need." Just sort of like that, wanting to see if God or the devil was stronger and whether I would get my drugs or not. Well, all I can draw from this is that God heard me and gave me what I needed, which was an end to the vicodin prescriptions. I don't claim to be super religious, just very spiritual (there is a huge difference -- ask me if you want to know how I see it). So this is just the way I perceive things went down.
As for me, I am 33 years old, so you might say that if I had started getting busy early (and wasn't careful) I could be your dad! (Just a little humor there. . .it's funny to me in a way, and in another way it just makes me think "Damn, I'm old as hell. . .") I've been married for almost 10 years and have been dating my wife since we were both 17, so she knows me pretty well and has put up with all kinds of bullshit on my account too. I have a five year old daughter and a five month old son, these being all the kids we are going to have.
Which brings me to this. . .you know from the same experience as mine that the pills you do now you first saw your mother do when you were young (as I saw my father). And you mentioned wanting kids of your own someday, right? So, what can you assume they will do when they grow up if they see mommy taking pills? I'm not putting you down at all, but one of the main reasons I want to stay quit this time is my kids. I know that if they see daddy doing drugs that they will certainly do them too. I think if I knew I couldn't stop, I'd rather be dead than know that someday I would be responsible for them following me into the same hell.
I'm not going to bullshit you, Amy. I don't know what the thing will be that will make you stop once and for all. . .it's different for everyone and for some (maybe even a majority of us)it never happens at all and we simply die in our addiction. I hope that this will not be you. From your posts I can clearly see that you have a beautiful spirit in a terrible cage -- one that I think will be strong enough in the end to break free. Souls such as yours are not destined to be in prison forever.
My prayers are with you and your mother. In my opinion, your wish to get clean by your birthday is not only the best birthday present you could ever get yourself but the best gift you could possibly get for your mother as she comes back to the world outside of prison. I know that if I had kicked the problem (or even if I hadn't) and one of my kids were messed up, I'd give my life in a second if I knew it would save them from this.
Peace,
Pelle
I can't say for sure what really was the bottom for me as far as why I decided to quit when I did this time. I had had shoulder surgery in November 2000 and was on vicodin for the pain since then when, on January 10 of this year, my doctor refused to refill my scrip. At this point I no doubt could have used one of my other sources to get more junk, but something inside me just said "enough". It's funny, I remember saying to God, Satan, or whomever on the way to my appointment that morning, "Whoever is more powerful, give me what I need." Just sort of like that, wanting to see if God or the devil was stronger and whether I would get my drugs or not. Well, all I can draw from this is that God heard me and gave me what I needed, which was an end to the vicodin prescriptions. I don't claim to be super religious, just very spiritual (there is a huge difference -- ask me if you want to know how I see it). So this is just the way I perceive things went down.
As for me, I am 33 years old, so you might say that if I had started getting busy early (and wasn't careful) I could be your dad! (Just a little humor there. . .it's funny to me in a way, and in another way it just makes me think "Damn, I'm old as hell. . .") I've been married for almost 10 years and have been dating my wife since we were both 17, so she knows me pretty well and has put up with all kinds of bullshit on my account too. I have a five year old daughter and a five month old son, these being all the kids we are going to have.
Which brings me to this. . .you know from the same experience as mine that the pills you do now you first saw your mother do when you were young (as I saw my father). And you mentioned wanting kids of your own someday, right? So, what can you assume they will do when they grow up if they see mommy taking pills? I'm not putting you down at all, but one of the main reasons I want to stay quit this time is my kids. I know that if they see daddy doing drugs that they will certainly do them too. I think if I knew I couldn't stop, I'd rather be dead than know that someday I would be responsible for them following me into the same hell.
I'm not going to bullshit you, Amy. I don't know what the thing will be that will make you stop once and for all. . .it's different for everyone and for some (maybe even a majority of us)it never happens at all and we simply die in our addiction. I hope that this will not be you. From your posts I can clearly see that you have a beautiful spirit in a terrible cage -- one that I think will be strong enough in the end to break free. Souls such as yours are not destined to be in prison forever.
My prayers are with you and your mother. In my opinion, your wish to get clean by your birthday is not only the best birthday present you could ever get yourself but the best gift you could possibly get for your mother as she comes back to the world outside of prison. I know that if I had kicked the problem (or even if I hadn't) and one of my kids were messed up, I'd give my life in a second if I knew it would save them from this.
Peace,
Pelle
Pelle
Ya my mom also introduce me to pills, she also got a script of percet, so of course i was willing to do them and then it just went from there. She's in prison now and doing well, i think if she didn't end up there she would be died to this day, so everynight i do thank god, she might not be a good mother but i would'nt be here if wasn't for here. so she might of not helped me not do drugs but i do love her and would do anything for her so i go visit her and seeing her clean and looking good helps me out.
My birthday is in july and she gets out in july, a coulpe of weeks after by birthday so my goal is to be clean when she gets out so we can help each other out so she doesn't end up back there, trust me if she does she knows thats it with me, I will never look at her again but she doesn't even want to go back to that ****. To having to have pill everyday so i believe i can do it with the help others and coming here and talking to you does help me out! Sorry it takes so long to write back sometimes but i work 40 hours a week 9 hr. shifts so i do read it everyday but i just don't have time to write everyday but thank you for writing me, and thanks for thinking i'm pretty and being honest about being able to tell i'm addicted to pills. I do need to be told by somebody that doesn't see me everyday that can tell. so how old are you i think i might of missed it! I read everyhting you write but then i get writing and forget what i'm saying sometimes so please don't mind!!!!
I do think i'm ready for rehab i'm just kidding my self by saying i'm cutting myself off everyday cause you no as well as i do thats not the way it happens!? Right. I feel like **** everyday but i eveyday i do it and just beat up on myself more and more so like i said i want to be done by july 12, do you think i can with the experience you've had. How old were you when everything went down , when you deceided to be done? See i'v done all those little pills you mention but those really don't do much for me now, i'm addicted to oxycottin, i do about a 40mg a day so its not that bad but it is when i don't have it, the body achs are so bad for me well you know so anyways thanks for the input. Im just blabbing so i'll stop for now. Plesae write back if you want, I do like writing and hereing from you.
Hey by the way thanks about the name thing, i do like that alot better, i did never think of that!!
Write back
Amy
Ya my mom also introduce me to pills, she also got a script of percet, so of course i was willing to do them and then it just went from there. She's in prison now and doing well, i think if she didn't end up there she would be died to this day, so everynight i do thank god, she might not be a good mother but i would'nt be here if wasn't for here. so she might of not helped me not do drugs but i do love her and would do anything for her so i go visit her and seeing her clean and looking good helps me out.
My birthday is in july and she gets out in july, a coulpe of weeks after by birthday so my goal is to be clean when she gets out so we can help each other out so she doesn't end up back there, trust me if she does she knows thats it with me, I will never look at her again but she doesn't even want to go back to that ****. To having to have pill everyday so i believe i can do it with the help others and coming here and talking to you does help me out! Sorry it takes so long to write back sometimes but i work 40 hours a week 9 hr. shifts so i do read it everyday but i just don't have time to write everyday but thank you for writing me, and thanks for thinking i'm pretty and being honest about being able to tell i'm addicted to pills. I do need to be told by somebody that doesn't see me everyday that can tell. so how old are you i think i might of missed it! I read everyhting you write but then i get writing and forget what i'm saying sometimes so please don't mind!!!!
I do think i'm ready for rehab i'm just kidding my self by saying i'm cutting myself off everyday cause you no as well as i do thats not the way it happens!? Right. I feel like **** everyday but i eveyday i do it and just beat up on myself more and more so like i said i want to be done by july 12, do you think i can with the experience you've had. How old were you when everything went down , when you deceided to be done? See i'v done all those little pills you mention but those really don't do much for me now, i'm addicted to oxycottin, i do about a 40mg a day so its not that bad but it is when i don't have it, the body achs are so bad for me well you know so anyways thanks for the input. Im just blabbing so i'll stop for now. Plesae write back if you want, I do like writing and hereing from you.
Hey by the way thanks about the name thing, i do like that alot better, i did never think of that!!
Write back
Amy
hi amy, read your post. sorry to hear about your mother. why is she in prison? and you are so young w/so much ahead of you. why would you want to speak certain things into your life such as OXYAMY? remember that the tongue is a very powerful thing. i am sure you don;'t really like being called that. susanlea, whatever you do, please don't expose your precious children to what seems to be a monster. your children will only blame you in the end. you are their mother, to protect,guide, love and cherish. i know about love and blindly seeking any way you can to make things better. he won;t change unless he wants to. children should be comfortable, protected and if not by their mother then who? and if they are exposed to a life like the one you describe the cycle will only continue. if kids were not involved, i prob. would not even be typing this but be careful with them. they are only impressionable oncelove,neenie
Hi Amy,
Like the others, I too choose to call you Amy instead of your sign in name.
I'm glad you read my letter.I'm sorry to hear about the pain you went through as a child.My father was an alcoholic and I was so afraid of him coming home each day. He had a terrible temper when he drank. My father died at 56 from heart failure. He had quit drinking a year or so before that.My husband and our family had moved to Tennessee along with my brother and his family.My father and mother moved about a year later.I was 25 when my father quit drinking.He also started going to church and gave his life to Jesus.My father was a great guitar player and played with his brothers and sisters at bars or at their homes a lot. He never knew until he moved to Tennessee that I played the guitar and sang.He was so tickled to find it out. He lived about a year after they moved here. My point is this.Because of his drinking,we lost a lot of precious years.The year he lived here ,we sang and played our guitars a lot and had a wonderful time.I was so thankful for that year but was angry at being robbed all those others years because of his drinking.
Your so young. There's a lot of happy times ahead for you.But you do have to get off the drugs in order to find that happiness.My daughter approached me yeasterday about going to rehab.I pray she's serious. She is on probation for having drugs without a prescription.She's on 3 years of probation for that. She has missed two payments on her fine and I fear if she doesn't get help, it's just a matter of time before she's in jail. I bailed her out when she was in trouble before but I won't do it again. She may have to hit bottom before she gets help. The only thing is , if she gets arrested here, she can't get help, like rehab,until her sentence is up. Don't wait for something bad to happen to get help.She never thought anything like this would ever happen to her. But she was wrong.
Be determiined and do keep coming to this site and keep talking.Like I said before,these people are serious about helping you and others wanting help. I'll keep you in my prayers.This really is a good place to talk to people.Let go of the past Amy. You may come from a rough childhood but you can overcome it. Nothing makes the past go away.But you can grow strong enough to overcome it.I know. I did it. I forgave my father a long time ago. He never meant to hurt anyone. He had an illness.I've learned a lot from the people on this forum They are great therapy. I'll continue to come to this forum. I get a lot of strength by reading their comments.Stay strong and determinedAmy and God Bless You.
Kerrie
Like the others, I too choose to call you Amy instead of your sign in name.
I'm glad you read my letter.I'm sorry to hear about the pain you went through as a child.My father was an alcoholic and I was so afraid of him coming home each day. He had a terrible temper when he drank. My father died at 56 from heart failure. He had quit drinking a year or so before that.My husband and our family had moved to Tennessee along with my brother and his family.My father and mother moved about a year later.I was 25 when my father quit drinking.He also started going to church and gave his life to Jesus.My father was a great guitar player and played with his brothers and sisters at bars or at their homes a lot. He never knew until he moved to Tennessee that I played the guitar and sang.He was so tickled to find it out. He lived about a year after they moved here. My point is this.Because of his drinking,we lost a lot of precious years.The year he lived here ,we sang and played our guitars a lot and had a wonderful time.I was so thankful for that year but was angry at being robbed all those others years because of his drinking.
Your so young. There's a lot of happy times ahead for you.But you do have to get off the drugs in order to find that happiness.My daughter approached me yeasterday about going to rehab.I pray she's serious. She is on probation for having drugs without a prescription.She's on 3 years of probation for that. She has missed two payments on her fine and I fear if she doesn't get help, it's just a matter of time before she's in jail. I bailed her out when she was in trouble before but I won't do it again. She may have to hit bottom before she gets help. The only thing is , if she gets arrested here, she can't get help, like rehab,until her sentence is up. Don't wait for something bad to happen to get help.She never thought anything like this would ever happen to her. But she was wrong.
Be determiined and do keep coming to this site and keep talking.Like I said before,these people are serious about helping you and others wanting help. I'll keep you in my prayers.This really is a good place to talk to people.Let go of the past Amy. You may come from a rough childhood but you can overcome it. Nothing makes the past go away.But you can grow strong enough to overcome it.I know. I did it. I forgave my father a long time ago. He never meant to hurt anyone. He had an illness.I've learned a lot from the people on this forum They are great therapy. I'll continue to come to this forum. I get a lot of strength by reading their comments.Stay strong and determinedAmy and God Bless You.
Kerrie
kerrie,
Wow thank you so much for your letter, that was diffently a eye opener. I am sorry for taking so long to write but I have a 40 hour job where I work 9 hours a day, on top of using I'm just so tired. I do appraciate you caring and checking on all of us, I am new here I was told by a friend who also uses about this place and I am so happy because now a have a place to go to where I can talk with other peolpe that I don't have to see everday! Anyways my story like others, yes I do have a horrible child hood and was around all these drugs by my mohter, so when you say your worried about your daughter please don't let up it will so much pay off, and when that day comes I promises you your daughter will thank you so much .
Ya my mother anyways i only lived with her intill iwas 8 or so then i got taken a way by the state luckly I had a loving family that wasn't invoveld in drugs or alchool so i moved in with my aunt who gave me everything but i was just so young and not use to having somebody to look after me i just didn't know how to take it so i stoled lied did everything to try to get back with my mom. anyways to make a long story short it took her 5 years to want to get me back, my freshman year in, high school i moved back with her she didn'd drink like she use to (thats why I was taken) but she was on to other things PILLS so of course not thinking it would happen to me i started smoking pot and then it went all down from there .
So here i sit addicted to oxycottins which are stronger then hydro and if i had only a mother who didn't use like you that can see the signs i would still be in school and not addicted to these damn things. I am trying so hard everyday and coming here and taiking to somebody like you pushes me even harder, i am begging you don't give up on her remind her she has everything don't lose it to drugs. Now being a little older i have my boyfriend who helps me everyday to get up, we've been together for a long time and we plan someday to have a family so that also pushes me, i have my family (not mom she's in prison now because of pills!!!) but i do love her and i do help her now she did hit rock bottom and i believe god sent her there to save her so now i do sleep better knowing shes alive and that matters a lot. sorry so long it just goes on and on so please do keep in touch let me know how everything goes please do don't let up on her it will pay off.
If you do feel like reading all this do write back, i do apprcaiate you caring so thank you i needed somebody like you to talk to about this. For being only 17 i have a awesome job at my local hosptial (eastern maine medical center) and i do plan on finshing high school so i will get there one day soon!!Iam not giving up nor will you
OxyAmy
Wow thank you so much for your letter, that was diffently a eye opener. I am sorry for taking so long to write but I have a 40 hour job where I work 9 hours a day, on top of using I'm just so tired. I do appraciate you caring and checking on all of us, I am new here I was told by a friend who also uses about this place and I am so happy because now a have a place to go to where I can talk with other peolpe that I don't have to see everday! Anyways my story like others, yes I do have a horrible child hood and was around all these drugs by my mohter, so when you say your worried about your daughter please don't let up it will so much pay off, and when that day comes I promises you your daughter will thank you so much .
Ya my mother anyways i only lived with her intill iwas 8 or so then i got taken a way by the state luckly I had a loving family that wasn't invoveld in drugs or alchool so i moved in with my aunt who gave me everything but i was just so young and not use to having somebody to look after me i just didn't know how to take it so i stoled lied did everything to try to get back with my mom. anyways to make a long story short it took her 5 years to want to get me back, my freshman year in, high school i moved back with her she didn'd drink like she use to (thats why I was taken) but she was on to other things PILLS so of course not thinking it would happen to me i started smoking pot and then it went all down from there .
So here i sit addicted to oxycottins which are stronger then hydro and if i had only a mother who didn't use like you that can see the signs i would still be in school and not addicted to these damn things. I am trying so hard everyday and coming here and taiking to somebody like you pushes me even harder, i am begging you don't give up on her remind her she has everything don't lose it to drugs. Now being a little older i have my boyfriend who helps me everyday to get up, we've been together for a long time and we plan someday to have a family so that also pushes me, i have my family (not mom she's in prison now because of pills!!!) but i do love her and i do help her now she did hit rock bottom and i believe god sent her there to save her so now i do sleep better knowing shes alive and that matters a lot. sorry so long it just goes on and on so please do keep in touch let me know how everything goes please do don't let up on her it will pay off.
If you do feel like reading all this do write back, i do apprcaiate you caring so thank you i needed somebody like you to talk to about this. For being only 17 i have a awesome job at my local hosptial (eastern maine medical center) and i do plan on finshing high school so i will get there one day soon!!Iam not giving up nor will you
OxyAmy
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